Minecraft: Silly Mode
by TealEmperor
Summary: Funny, cute short stories about the daily lives of our favorite characters. Some are shippy, some are not, but all of them are fun. Features Lukessie and Harvor!
1. Opening AN

**Hai, and welcome to Minecraft Silly Mode, my most un-serious fanfiction project! This is a collection of funny and cute shorts featuring our favorite Minecraft Story Mode characters. Some are romantic, some are not, but all of them are fun!**

* * *

 **These shorts follow a continuity**

 **+Excellent Hair**

 **+Petra Goes on a Date (pts 1 and 2)**

 **+Christmas in July**

 **+Small Children!**

 **+Picnic**

 **+Mischief Makers**

 **+Finally!**

 **+Radar's Day Off**

 **+Hallowe'en Bash!**

* * *

 **These shorts are standalone**

 **+The Silly Switch**

 **+Blooper Reel**

 **+Bad Fanfic**

 **+Chained Heat**

 **+TealEmpress is a Dork**

 **+Throwback Thursday**

 **+Loopy Lukas**

 **+Preview**

* * *

 **I would advise not drinking water (or any beverage, really) while reading Silly Mode.**

 **Thank you all for your kind reception! :3**


	2. The Silly Switch (April Fool's 2017)

"You know what?" Jessie asked, hands on her hips.

The others turned to face her. "What?"

"I'm tired of this." She leaned against a wall. "It happens all the time. We just hop from portal to portal and endure the crazy hijinks found therein, and then we get to start it all over again in a big cycle. Plus, the things I say are clever enough that it seems prewritten. I'd like to do something different, but I just can't. I feel like I'm being controlled."

"Controlled?" Ivor looked bewildered. "Who could possibly be controlling you?"

"I don't know, Ivor. It's really weird," Jessie said, "but sometimes I sit back and wonder if, a world away from here, there's a nerd sitting at a desk and writing down everything I do and say. And then I do it."

"Now that is just preposterous," Ivor scoffed.

"But that's what it seems like! I need to figure out what's going on."

Petra, meanwhile, was staring at something up in the sky. "Hey guys! Check this out. Has that always been there?"

She was pointing to a large panel of glass floating above them. It was a huge screen, and it just hung there without anything holding it up. Faint reflections of people's faces shone on the glass.

"What is that?" Jessie marveled at it.

"How have we not noticed that until now?" Ivor wondered. "And how does it float like that, without anything holding it up? Who are those people whose faces I can see reflected in it?"

Lukas gasped suddenly. The others looked at him funny.

"Um...You okay, Lukey?" Jessie asked hesitantly.

"I know what this thing is!" he declared.

"Well then, what is it?" Ivor asked.

"I know what this thing is!" Lukas repeated, then identified it: "It's the fourth wall!"

Lukas's speaking of the term "the fourth wall" seemed to break some kind of literary spell held over the characters and plot, because after that, this particular chapter of _Portal Party_ became incredibly self-aware.

"The fourth wall is the barrier between us story characters and the real world," Lukas said.

"What do you mean, the 'real' world?" Ivor asked, offended. "Are you suggesting that we aren't real?"

The blondie ignored him. "I bet if we could break that glass, we could go through the fourth wall and enter the real world. That would be exciting!"

Ivor got a splendid idea, apparently, because he started hopping up and down like a three-year-old. "Oh my goodness. If we can break into the real world, I can find the author writing about me and give her a piece of my mind! I don't like the way we're being characterized in this story. It feels like us winning at the end of an arc is too contrived, and I'm sick of the original characters dying for drama."

"Right," Jessie said. "And this chapter hasn't made much sense so far, because I'm supposed to be kidnapped and held hostage at Malcolm's right now."

"The author must have started writing this chapter before the one where you get kidnapped." Lukas scratched his chin, thinking.

"She's writing chapters out of order? Irresponsible!" Jessie crossed her arms.

"Some writers do it when they're stuck on what to do for the chapter they're on but know what to write for the next. It's not irresponsible."

"Well, alrighty then," Petra said. "Break through the fourth wall it is."

Jessie looked up at the giant glass pane. "How do we do that?"

"We could throw rocks at it!" Ivor suggested.

"Oh, but then we'd need to find a way to climb up to it and jump through," Jessie said. "Maybe we could ask the author to lower it."

"Hang on, let me try something." Petra ran off-screen and returned after an improbably short time, dragging along a large coil of rope.

Ivor stared at her. "May I ask why you have that? And moreover, how you managed to locate and fetch a giant coil of rope in five seconds?"

"Shh," Petra hissed at him. "The audience isn't supposed to notice that."

"Bad production quality."

"Oh, hush." Petra tied the end of the rope into a lasso. Then she handed it to Lukas.

"What's this for?"

"Your original character design was a cowboy. Channel your inner cowpoke and lasso the fourth wall."

Lukas shrugged, then whisked the lasso into the air and spun it around his head in a perfect circle, just like any cartoon lasso. He was pretty good at it. He had it spinning in a blur.

"Great stuff!" Petra said.

"Yee-haw!" Lukas yelled, and let go of the lasso. It sailed toward the sky and somehow snagged the fourth wall. Lukas tugged on the rope, gradually lowering the glass pane to the ground.

"How did he do that?" Ivor looked back and forth between the fourth wall and Lukas. "He just threw the rope at the glass wall and caught it."

"Cartoon physics," Jessie said smugly.

" _Oh, Susanna! Now don't you cry for me. I've come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee,_ " Lukas crooned; then he looked stunned. "Now where did that come from?"

"Ivor, help! Lukas is turning into a cowboy!" Jessie grabbed Ivor's sleeve and tugged on it desperately. "He knows American folk songs and everything."

"Calm down, I'm sure he'll be back to normal in a minute," Ivor said. "Lukas, stop channeling your inner cowboy. It's scaring your girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?!" Lukas blushed about ten different shades of red.

"There, he snapped out of it." Ivor brushed his hands together, then motioned at the fourth wall. "Shall we?"

The fourth wall now had to face the assaults of the four friends. Jessie, Lukas, Petra, and Ivor ran at it. They scooped rocks off the ground. Now they could go forward with Ivor's plan of throwing rocks.

"Fire at will!" Petra shouted, then flung her rock.

"I thought we were shooting at the fourth wall…" Lukas muttered.

"Don't hurt me!" a random guy shouted as he ran past him. "I didn't do anything to you crazies!"

"Is that Will? Why are we throwing rocks at him?" Lukas hesitantly aimed his throwing arm at 'Will.'

Jessie scowled and grabbed Lukas's rock, then chucked it at the glass panel.

"Oh," he said. "That's what it means. Why didn't you just say so?"

They kept flinging rocks at the fourth wall. With each impact, the glass cracked. Pieces of it chipped off. The assault on the wall continued for about ten more minutes, until a strike from a heavy rock smashed a good portion of the fourth wall, revealing a portal behind it! The goo looked like the goo from the other portals, except that it was rainbow-colored.

"Pretty," Lukas commented.

"The portal to reality!" Jessie exclaimed, thrusting her arms in the air. "Are we ready to go?" She poised to dash forward into the portal.

"Wait, wait, wait," Ivor said. "There's something I have to do first."

"Which would be…?"

"The thing I do every time we go into a new dimension. And this is no exception."

"Oh, brother." Petra facepalmed. "Here it comes."

Ivor took a deep breath, then bellowed in his loudest voice, "ADVENTURRRRRE!"

Jessie thought she felt a small earthquake under her feet. Ivor launched himself at the portal and leapt through.

The other three looked at each other and shrugged.

"Adventure!"

* * *

Upon jumping through the rainbow portal, the four friends landed hard on a bumpy plastic surface.

Jessie, lying spreadeagled, lifted up her head and groaned. "Bad landing."

"Where are we?" Lukas was on his back. He rolled over and stumbled to his feet.

The surface was bumpy because it was covered in plastic tiles. They were square and laid out in staggered rows. Jessie could feel them shifting under her weight. Additionally, each tile bore a symbol on it in white lettering. The first row of tiles said things like "f1," "f2," "f3," and so on. The next row was a line of numbers, 1 through 0. Then there were several rows of alphabet tiles. Each one had a capital letter written on it. Jessie lay across a group of tiles that spelled out "QWERTY."

"What is this thing?" Ivor wondered. He walked down to the end of the board and started jumping on a long, plain tile, feeling it shift underneath him.

"Wow, look at that!" Lukas pointed at a screen behind them. It looked like the fourth wall, but instead of being transparent, it glowed with bright, multicolored lights. In fact, at the moment, it had the image of a piece of paper displayed on it. The paper was covered in gibberish and long lines of spaces.

"That's really odd," Jessie commented. She took a step forward, accidentally pressing on the R tile. To her surprise, a fresh R appeared on the screen. Feeling she was on to something, she took another step and pressed down the E tile. An E appeared on the screen, right after the R.

"Hey, guys, check this out! When I step on a letter tile, it appears on the screen!"

"Really?" The other three turned.

"Wait, wait." She held out her hand at them. "Don't move."

Jessie looked back at the R and E on the screen. She bent over and pushed the U tile down with her hand. Then she hopped over to the B tile and stomped on it. Finally, she hit the E again and finished with the N.

R-E-U-B-E-N.

"Incredible!" Ivor gushed. "It's a new way of writing!"

Lukas scoffed, convinced that this ridiculous method would never replace the classic book and quill.

"Ha. Look at all this gibberish we wrote by accident." Petra swiped her hand down the screen. The paragraph of random keystrokes scrolled past their view. But once that had been rolled off the screen, they were in for a surprise.

A few paragraphs of neatly written prose scrolled onto the screen. The four friends started reading it out of curiosity, then gasped in surprise when they realized what they were reading.

 _It described exactly what they just did._ Right up to the part where they jumped through the portal into the real world.

Lukas let out a squeaky gasp. "This is our author's writing machine! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!"

"Ew. She writes about us on this piece of junk?" Ivor looked with disdain at the computer's smudged screen and dirty keys. "Would it kill her to clean it once in a while?"

"This place is freaky," Petra said, turning aside from the computer. "And why is it so...huge?"

The friends were the size of mice, compared to the keyboard, the room in which it was located, and all of the contents of said room. The computer was a laptop, and it sat on a big wooden shelf-desk. A stack of papers and a pencil box sat behind and to the right of the laptop. On its left were a can of air freshener, a stack of blank thank-you-cards, and a few folded tissues. Overhead of the computer, there were three more shelves. Jessie and her friends could see a line of books standing on the first of those shelves. An office chair with no-one sitting in it faced the laptop.

The office chair stood like a mountain over a desert of bumpy beige carpet. On the other side of the "desert," a blue plateau loomed (um...actually...it was a bed. With a blue blanket.) A corkboard and a confirmation cross hung on the wall over the bed.

"I think we're in our author's room," Lukas said, surveying the landscape like a pioneer of old.

"She doesn't seem to be here at the moment, however," Ivor observed, looking around. "And I don't think she's hiding. If she's a giant like I'm beginning to suspect, she's going to have a hard time hiding in this little room."

The friends gasped when they heard a doorknob rattling. They hid behind the laptop screen as the door opened and a new figure entered the scene.

It was at this moment that TealEmpress appeared in this incredibly self-aware chapter. Teal was a socially inept dork, and she looked the part. She had brown hair and a forgettable face. Her hoodie was unzipped to reveal the Periodic Table T-shirt she wore underneath, and her jeans had a paint spot on her knee. She wasn't wearing any shoes. Unaware of the presence of the fourth-wall-breakers, she casually carried a bowl of pretzels to her desk as she prepared to continue working on the next chapter of her fanfiction.

Of course, unlike her guests, Teal was proportional to her room and its furniture. She set the pretzel bowl on the desk next to her laptop and scrolled down to the bottom of the word processor document on the screen.

"What in the world?" Teal mused as she glanced at the gibberish writing on the screen. She adjusted her glasses. "How did that get there? I didn't write that."

Ivor looked desperately at Jessie and mouthed, _It's the author!_

There was a shadow cast by the laptop screen, so Jessie and her friends stood in its shade. Therefore, they could not see all that well. Lukas accidentally bumped into a pen lying behind the screen as he stumbled around. The pen rattled and rolled into Teal's view.

Teal paused her highlighting and deleting of the gibberish paragraphs. She leaned over slightly and looked at the pen that had somehow moved of its own volition. Then she sighed. You see, Teal had read enough of the right kind of books and could recognize this situation right away.

"Who are you, and why are you hiding behind my laptop screen?"

"Lukas!" Petra whispered angrily to him, and smacked him on the shoulder. "You blew our cover!"

Teal pushed her laptop aside, depriving the friends of their hiding place. She looked only mildly surprised by the four mouse-sized people standing on her desk. Then she grinned.

"Oh! Tiny people! I love little things!"

"We're not tiny!" Petra protested. "You're huge!"

Teal looked offended. "That wasn't very nice. I'm one of the smallest people in my class." Curious, she reached over and picked up Lukas by the back of his shirt. He dangled from her fingers.

"Lemme go!" he protested, punching the air.

"Wait a minute." Teal squinted at him. "You seem kinda familiar. Blue eyes, silver armor, excellent blond hair...Aha! You're Lukas from MCSM!"

"I'm Lukas," he said lamely. "Can you set me down now?"

"Oh. Sorry." Teal set him down among his friends again. "And that must be Ivor, Petra, and Jessie. Aww, you guys are so CUTE when you're tiny!"

They waved. "Who are you? Are you our author?"

"I'm your fanfiction author," Teal explained. "Does that count?"

"Um...I think it does, but I'm not sure." Jessie shrugged. "Do you have a name, or is it just 'Fanfiction Author?'"

"I'm TealEmpress. I have a real name, but I can't tell you what it is. You can call me Teal."

"Cool-a-rama!" Lukas exclaimed. "How many characters get to meet their author?"

"Fanfiction author," Teal corrected again. "I didn't originally come up with you guys. Consider me like a...like a...foster mom or something."

Petra crossed her arms. "Then you don't take very good care of us if you're supposed to be a foster mom. We keep getting hurt in the story!"

"That's the idea," Teal said. "It creates conflict. No conflict equals no plot, and no plot equals no story. And then where would we be?"

"Hmph," Petra grumped.

"Now why did you guys jump through the fourth wall and enter my room? Furthermore, how did you do that?"

"Oh, Lukas lassoed the fourth wall and dragged it down, and then we broke it by throwing rocks at it," Jessie explained, smiling cheesily.

"We wanted to know what it was like in the real world," Ivor said.

"It's kinda boring," Teal replied. "That's why I write fanfiction. Keeps the boredom away. Now that you know what it's like, you should probably go home. It's more interesting there."

"But we just got here!" Jessie protested.

"I know, and I know you're excited, but you can't stay here. You're fictional characters, and this is the real world. Besides, my parents are coming home from work soon, and you need to be out of the picture by then."

"No. We need to discuss some things first." Ivor put his foot down, literally.

Teal looked confused. "Like what?"

Ivor counted his grievances off on his fingers. "We don't like the way you characterize us. I want a bigger part in the series. You keep splitting the group apart. You keep introducing original characters that we like and then you kill them off. It makes me upset. Us winning at the end feels too contrived…" So on and so forth he went.

While Ivor lectured, Teal just leaned her elbow on the desk and rested her chin in her hand. She listened with mild interest.

"Are you listening to me?" he asked, pausing his orate.

"Somewhat," she responded. "Most of those things I do to keep conflict going in the story. Like I said before, if there's no conflict then there's no plot, and if there's no plot then there's no story."

"What about the characterization issue?" Jessie piped up.

"I'm trying to keep you guys as accurate to the original as I can. But sometimes, characters sorta deviate a little and develop their own facets to their personality. As for Jessie, well, she tends to be more of a blank slate because she's the playable character in MCSM."

"That was an oddly scholarly way of wording it," Ivor commented.

"Sorry. That's just the way I talk. It's because I read and write a lot. What I mean to say is that characters essentially develop minds of their own. You wouldn't disagree with that, would you? After all, you had the presence of mind to break through the fourth wall and enter my room."

"Yeah. I guess so." Ivor shrugged.

"I don't know a lot about writing, but what she says makes sense," Petra said. "What about the ending being contrived? ...Whatever the word 'contrived' means."

"The reason the ending seems pre-planned is because it has to be," Teal said with a chuckle. "I have to plan it out in advance so I can make the rest of the plot work with it. It's not a good idea to just meander along with the plot, not knowing what to do from page to page. When I do that, I usually get stuck with writer's block."

"Ugh. Writer's block. I can empathize." Lukas shuddered and hugged his journal to his chest.

The characters seemed to calm down after that, having talked through what they weren't happy about. Hooray for compromise.

"Here, why don't you guys have a snack and then you can go home?" Teal asked.

The replies ranged from "Um...okay," to "Oh boy! Yeah!"

"Are pretzels all right?"

"Yeah, I like pretzels."

"Okay, have a seat." She motioned for them to sit on the desk. Which they all did. Then Teal grabbed a handful of pretzels out of the bowl and handed one to each character. They only got one apiece. Even though the pretzels were those "mini-pretzels," they were still huge compared to the tiny characters. Jessie and her friends munched on the snacks while Teal finished cleaning up the mess they made of her word processor document.

"Can I have another pretzel?" Lukas asked. "Just for the road?"

"If you can get it to fit in your pocket." Teal handed him another pretzel.

Just then, there was the rumbling sound outside. It was the sound of a car pulling into the driveway of Teal's house.

"Crud! It's my folks," Teal said, glancing at the window. "You guys have to go. I can't let my parents see you."

"Why not? We're adorable!" Ivor exclaimed, waving his arms in the air.

"True, but they'll think you're...weird. Besides, you should be heading home anyway." She put her laptop back on the spot it was before and ushed the four characters toward it.

"But we don't want to go yet!" Jessie whined as Teal gently pushed her along.

"Well, _I_ want you to go. Scoot!"

"Please?"

"No. But don't worry. I'll keep writing about you guys for as long as I can. I'll make sure you guys all get happy endings. After all, you're my favorite characters."

"Aww." Lukas blushed.

"We like our author!" Jessie cheered. "'Cause she likes us!"

"If my laptop screen is the fourth wall, you should be able to get back to Fanfictionland by jumping through it," Teal instructed. "Go ahead and try."

""I'll bite," Petra volunteered. She stepped up to the screen.

"Don't break it!" Teal hissed.

"I won't, I won't." Petra jumped at the screen, then phased through it and disappeared. There was a slight pause, and then she stuck her hand out it, giving the others a thumbs-up.

"All good!" she reported.

"Well, okay then." Ivor and Jessie were next to leave.

Lukas, however, hung back. He had one little last thing to ask his author. A heart-to-heart between two writers, if you will.

"Psst...Teal," he whispered. "Can I ask a little favor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you make Jessie and I a thing in the story? I...like her."

"Oh, I've been making it a thing this whole time." Teal winked. "Is there anything else you want?"

Lukas shook his head. "Nah. That'll be all. Thanks."

"Okay, bye-bye."

"Bye!" he called as he jumped back through the fourth wall.

* * *

The four friends landed back in Fanfictionland. When they landed, the fourth wall fixed itself. Once it was repaired, it cast the suspension-of-disbelief spell back over the story. Thus, everyone forgot that they had ever been on that wacko part of their adventure.

AND CONTINUITY WAS PRESERVED.

 **A/N: In case you haven't figured it out by now…**

 **APRIL FOOLZ! The real next chapter will be coming soon.**

 **~Lotsa love from Tealy**


	3. Imaginary Blooper Reel

**And now for a list of imaginary MCSM bloopers. Watch our favorite characters botch stunts, screw up their lines, and goof around between scene shoots. Imagine Jesse as whichever Jesse you prefer.**

 **Inspired by a MCSM Wikia blog post.**

 **Imagine each "BEEP" as a transition from one blooper scene to the next.**

* * *

 **EPISODE 1**

(Prologue opens to show a starry sky)

Narrator: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away—oops, wrong story.

Director: CUT!

BEEP

(Prologue opens to show a starry sky)

Narrator: Space. The final frontier—

Director: NO. Wrong story again.

Narrator: Oh, darn it.

BEEP

(Prologue opens to show a starry sky)

Narrator: To boldly go where no man has gone before—

Director: *sigh*

Narrator: I'll get it right eventually.

Director: CUT.

BEEP

Narrator: In the end, the Order of the Stone emerged victorious, and the dragon was defeated. Except that they actually didn't because they cheated, but Jesse isn't going to find that out until episode 4.

Director: CUT!

BEEP

Olivia: Would you rather fight a hundred chicken-sized zombies or ten chicken-sized zombies?

Jesse: ?

Olivia: I messed up my line, didn't I?

BEEP

Jesse: Give me a dragon roar, Reuben!

Reuben: (burps)

Jesse: ...Uh, close enough.

BEEP

Olivia: Let's just get to our booth.

Axel: (attempts to fit through the fence gate) Oof! Augh! (Gets stuck)

Olivia: What's the holdup?

Axel: I'm stuck.

Olivia: Stuck?

Axel: Stuck.

Jesse: (Facepalms)

BEEP

Gabriel: Yes, you. What question do you have for the mighty Gabriel?

Jesse: Uh...Um…

Gabriel: …?

Jesse: I forgot my line!

Director: Cut.

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 2**

Magnus: Holy snack burglars! Is that your Witherstorm?

Jesse: (breaks character) (Starts laughing)

Director: Cut! Jesse, stop giggling at that line.

Jesse: I can't! I just can't take that line seriously! "Holy snack burglars…" (giggles) Who writes this script, anyway?

Magnus: (groans) Oh, for the love of...We've had to do twenty takes already! IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!

Guy with the clapper: (Sigh) Take twenty-two…

Guy with the clapper: Take twenty-four…

(Camera starts rolling)

Magnus: Holy snack burglars! Is that your Witherstorm?

Jesse: (Doesn't laugh)

Director: (looks hopeful; maybe this scene will go okay this time)

Witherstorm: RAWR! RAAA— (Animatronic malfunctions) (Tentacles and heads spazz out)

Special effects supervisor: Stop the camera! We have a technical difficulty!

Director: (Facepalm) You've got to be joking.

Special effects supervisor: I knew we should have used CGI.

BEEP

Ellegaard: I can practically taste the command block. And it tastes like apple strawberry!

Olivia: Huh?

Ellegaard: I mean, um, victory! That was the line. Victory.

Director: Cut!

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 3**

Jesse: Someone say something.

Lukas: Hamburger?

Olivia: Donkey?

Petra: Panama.

Axel: Floor.

Director: Cut! Petra!

Petra: What?

Director: Your line is "Pants," not "Panama."

Petra: Oh. Oops.

BEEP

Lukas: (secretly checks his phone while a scene is being filmed)

Director: I can see you!

Lukas: Aw, man! (stuffs phone in pocket)

BEEP

(As the team is entering the Wool World)

Jesse: Uhp! (Trips and falls down the hill)

Axel: Huh? (Checks script) I thought _I_ was supposed to trip.

Jesse: Do another take! I tripped!

BEEP

Ellegaard: ("dying") You have to help them. All of them.

Jesse: (wrong line)

Olivia: (facepalm)

Axel: Like, wow. Way to spoil the moment.

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 4**

Axel: (Giggling)

Olivia: What's so funny?

Axel: I undid the strap for the saddle on Lukas's horse.

(Later)

Lukas: You take Petra, I'll take Gabriel! (Tries to mount horse) (Saddle slips) (Falls off) Waugh!

Axel: (Rides past, guffawing)

Lukas: AXEL!

BEEP

Lukas: (Leaves the cave to go look for his friends. Gets on his horse.)

Jesse: Bye.

(His horse rears. The saddle slips. Lukas falls out of the saddle.)

Lukas: Whoa! Oof!

(Offscreen, Axel laughs)

Lukas: AXEL!

BEEP

Olivia: I'm glad he [Lukas] came along. He's smart.

Jesse: And...he has excellent hair.

Olivia: He does have good hair, doesn't he?

Lukas: I can hear every word you're saying.

Jesse and Olivia: (Blush)

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 5**

Aiden: (Talking on his phone between scenes) I think you should get her the sweet pea for her birthday. ...No, we got her the French vanilla last year and she didn't like it, remember? ...Uh-huh...Right...Yeah, we can do that. That's a good idea. Oh, and while you're there, can you pick up a couple boxes of tissues for me? I'm all out. ...Okay, thanks. Yep, love you too. Goodbye. (Hangs up)

Cameraman: (laughs)

Aiden: (Notices camera) Hey! Where you filming that?

Cameraman: Uhh, nope.

Aiden: You were filming that!

Cameraman: Maaaaaybe…

Aiden: Grr…Turn that camera off! (Stomps toward camera)

BEEP

Milo: Wait. Don't be fooled by the Founder's pies.

Jesse: (breaks character) (laughs hysterically)

Petra: (Smirks) Which ones, the cinnamon or the butterscotch?

Milo: Oh, as if you fools don't mess up your lines, too!

BEEP

Lukas: AAAH! (Falls off the edge)

Jesse: LUKAS!

Aiden: (Sparta-kicks Jesse and the Founder off the edge)

Jesse and the Founder: Aaaaah!

Aiden: I'll take it from he—(Steps too far and falls off the edge) Aaaah!

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 6**

Torquedawg: (shoves open the door) What the? (Door swings back and smacks him in the face) Ouch!

Jesse: (giggles)

Torquedawg: Oh, and I suppose you'll say I deserved that.

(Inexplicably, the door swings back and hits him again)

Jesse: (giggles even more)

White Pumpkin: Greetings, Adventurers. I am the White Pumpkin. One of you has the...has the...has...I forgot my line. This is...actually very embarrassing.

Director: Cut!

BEEP

Stampy: PANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC

Dan: Stampy! Pull yourself together!

Stampy: PANICPANICPANICPANIC

Cassie: I'm too cute to die!

Stacy: Who was that guy?

Dan: And there's no such thing as white pumpkins. (The cue for Stampy's line)

Stampy: PANICPANICPANICPANIC

Dan: Stampy! You were supposed to stop saying that, like, four lines ago!

Stampy: ...Oh.

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 7**

(Between scenes)

Lukas: (offscreen) Guys guys guys! You'll never guess what I found in the Portal Hallway!

Jesse: What did you find?

Lukas: (comes onscreen with "Beta Lukas," the original design from the first trailer) I found alternate dimension me!

Beta Lukas: Howdy. (Tips hat)

Ivor: That's, um, very nice, Lukas.

Petra: Lukas, are you crazy? Put him back in his proper dimension!

Lukas: (whips out his phone) There's something I want to do first.

Beta Lukas: ?

Lukas: (holds his phone out and takes a selfie with Beta Lukas) Cheese!

Ivor: (Facepalms)

Lukas: This is so going on my Snapchat story.

BEEP

Petra: Well, maybe I'm just tired of Jese-EEEE! (voice crack) calling the shots every time!

Jesse: (laughing)

Petra: What? Don't make fun of me!

Jesse: It was a serious line, but the voice crack...Ha ha ha ha!

BEEP

Chipped Lukas: Why keep trying, Jesse? You will only fail. Just as you failed to save Reuben…

Jesse: O_O

Director: Cut! That was brilliant! Great reaction shot, Jesse!

Jesse: (still stunned) O_O

Director: ...Jesse? You in there?

Jesse: ...You didn't tell me he was going to say that! That was NOT OKAY!

Director: Well, I...I just felt that...I'd get a more real reaction if I didn't tell you about that line.

Jesse: NOT OKAY! AAAAAH! (Runs forward and tackles the director)

Director: Augh! Help! Jesse's attacking me! Stop the camera, stop the camera!

BEEP

Chipped Petra: You will fail to defeat me. And Axel, Olivia, and everyone on your homeworld will soon be made useful. Drawing it out like this won't—(Voice cracks. Starts coughing)

Jesse: Are you okay?

Petra: (normal voice) Why do I have to keep talking like this? The robot voice is killing my larynx.

Jesse: It's so people know you've been made useful.

Petra: What, the red eyes aren't a big enough clue? (Stares at Jesse)

Jesse: Well, it's scarier if your voice is distorted…

BEEP

Chipped Lukas: ...And Axel, Olivia, and everyone on your homeworld will soon be made useful. Drawing it out like this won't hurt PAMA, but it might hurt your friend. You'll never make me useful, PAMA. I can guarantee it.

Jesse: …?

Director: Cut! That was Jesse's line!

Lukas: (breaks character) Whoops! Sorry.

BEEP

* * *

 **EPISODE 8**

(Between scenes)

Jesse and Petra: _Today we've got to/Cast the shadows out from sight/A final stand, a shouting cry/All the wrongs now turn to right/So fight the past, TAKE BACK THE NIIIIIGHT!_

Nell: Like, really, dudes? That song is so 4 years ago.

Jesse and Petra: But it's a good song!

BEEP

Jesse: Just give it to me straight, Hadrian. Is Tim even real?

Hadrian: I knew you were a smart one when I saw you. Of course—

Tim: —I'm real. (Walks into view)

Jesse and Hadrian: O_O

Tim: What?

Jesse: (checks script) Well, that's going to change the plot dynamic for this episode.

BEEP

Hadrian: I even have your best friend, Reuben. I've heard all about him.

(Jesse approaches the cage that has supposedly contains Reuben)

Reuben the Usher: 'Sup?

Jesse: % #$*%#!

Hadrian and Usher Reuben: O_O

Usher: Whoa, Jesse, calm down. Take a chill pill. This is, like, a kid's game.

Director: CUT!

BEEP

Jesse: Wasn't that where the Portal Atlas was a minute ago?

Olivia: Yeah, that was definitely there.

Lukas: Guys? Flint and steel are missing, too.

Petra: And...where's Ivor?

Ivor: (laughs) Adventure! Going to go see my beautiful Harper! Ha!

Lukas: (facepalms) Oh, good heavens…

Director: (muffled behind the door) CUT! Ivor, you can't say that. None of the MCSM ships are canon.

Ivor: Not canon...YET!

BEEP


	4. Excellent Hair

**Here's an early Easter present. Happy Easter!**

 **The New Order of the Stone is getting their group photo taken today, and Lukas must protect his precious hair until then! But it seems like everything in Minecraft is suddenly conspiring to mess up his excellent hair…**

 **Inspired by a SpongeBob Squarepants episode wherein our little yellow hero must keep himself spic and span for his boating school yearbook picture. So of course everyone and everything in the ocean seems to be on a mission to get him all dirty.**

 **Post-Episode 8. Uses the same Jessie from Portal Party. May contain traces of Lukesse, mwhahaha...**

 **And no, I don't know why the photographer guy has a German accent. I think it's because the photographer in the original Spongebob episode had one.**

 **Here we go!**

* * *

"This week, Tuesday, at 10:30. Can you make it?" Jessie asked. "I can't get them to negotiate a different time."

"I think so," Lukas said. "Will I have to dress up? I don't own any suits or stuff like that."

"No, just wear your armor. They want us to wear our armor because that's our 'iconic' look."

"Okay. Where are we meeting up?"

"On the lawn of our trophy hall."

"Makes sense. Do I need to bring anything else?"

"Just a nice smile." She giggled a little.

"Why do photographers always have people say 'cheese' when they take a picture? Like, they never give the people any cheese, so why do they ask for it?"

"It's to get people to smile with their teeth showing. Don't you show your teeth when you smile?"

"Well, not always. When I was nine, I had a major gap between my front teeth. Super embarrassing."

Jessie smiled. "Oh, I had a tooth gap, too!"

"Oh, but you would look cute with a tooth gap. I just looked stupid."

"Aw, Lukas, don't say stuff like that. You're making me blush, and you should be more self-confident."

He grinned.

"See, smile just like that for the picture. That's winning grin right there."

"Tuesday at 10:30, you said?"

"That's right. Be there!"

"You bet."

* * *

On Tuesday morning, Lukas's alarm went off at 7:00 sharp just like he set it. However, it pulled him out of a lovely dream about two of his favorite things in the world (Jessie and hamburgers), so he woke up startled and a little disappointed. He rolled over in bed, slapped the SNOOZE button on the alarm, and stretched his arms and legs. Then he kicked off the blankets and crawled out of bed, still wishing for hamburgers. Maybe he'd pick one up after the...What was the big important thing for today, again?

He flicked on the lights for his bedroom, rubbing his chin in deep thought. He knew there was _something_ going on, but at the moment, it evaded him to remember what it was.

"There's something important I have to do today. What was it?" Lukas asked the Jessie photo sitting on his nightstand.

Photo.

Oh, right!

"Gosh! I almost forgot about our photo shoot today!" Lukas frantically threw his change of clothes on the yet-unmade bed: a pair of jeans, his favorite T-shirt, and of course his leather jacket. His armor was on its stand in the corner; he yanked the pieces off the stand and tossed them on the bed, too.

Sure, he had three and a half hours to get ready, but he wanted to be prepared. The group photo was a big deal! It'd be printed in the history books for years to come. He was terrified of looking like a dork for it. He had to look like the suave heartthrob all his fangirls saw him as.

First thing, of course, was a shower. He took extra care with his beloved golden locks, really scrubbing in the shampoo. He wanted his hair to be as clean as possible for his picture. He shampooed twice for good measure.

"Uber-Silk. Makes my hair nice and soft for gelling," he muttered to himself before striking up a song.

" _And no, I'll never leave if it's alright with you/Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and/All of my life I pretend you're there by the door/I don't need to pretend anymore."_

"I should sing that when I'm on a date with Jessie," he said as he shut off the water and grabbed his towel.

Once he was dried off, step two was his clothes and armor. He changed into his jeans and T-shirt, smoothed out the wrinkles in the fabric, and shrugged on his leather jacket. He turned to face away from the mirror, looking at the ocelot face printed on the back. It had been a long time since he was an Ocelot. He might as well cover up the cat face or paint something different over it. ...Meh. No time for that today, and he'd hide his clothes under his armor anyway, so he didn't bother. After polishing the silver bits of his armor until they were mirror-shiny, he strapped it all on, starting with the goggles and working his way down to the boots.

Now he turned his attention back to his hair. Setting a brush and a bottle of gel on the w.c. counter, he stood in front of the mirror and set to sculpting his mop of blonde locks into the trademark wave. He'd done it so many times that he did it perfectly on the first try.

"Oh yeah," he said to his reflection. "You are all ready for action."

He checked the clock on the wall before leaving. It read 7:50. He had more than enough time before the photo shoot. As he left his house and started walking on the shoulder of the road towards downtown, he wondered what he could do with the spare time. He could go down to the animal shelter and look at the ocelots (he really wanted a pet ocelot.) He could catch up with Jessie and they could go get breakfast together. He could sit in the park and work on his journal; he was in the process of converting the journal entries into a for-real book. Plenty of options.

Lukas lived in a mostly rural neighborhood outside of the thick of town, so the roads were trails of sand and dirt instead of paving stone. It had rained the night before. Big mud puddles congealed in dips in the road. Lukas paid them little mind as he walked along, planning ways to fill up the extra time this morning.

You know where we're going with this, right? Of course you do.

A person riding a horse blasted past Lukas on the road. The horse kicked up the gravel and quite a lot of mud in its wake. It flew to the side of the road in a wave. Lukas only had one second to realize what a bad situation he was in until the mud washed over him.

"Gravel bits and stinkin' little pests!" Lukas ranted. Mud stained his armor. Sludge dripped from his clothes. The mud washed the gel right out of his hair, and now it flopped in sullied blond clumps in front of his eyes.

"You've got to be joking. Of all the rotten luck…" Lukas vainly attempted to wipe the dirt off of his armor. "I can't go to the photo shoot looking like this. Heck, I can't go in public at all looking like this!"

He bit his lip, then sighed sadly. He'd have to go home and get cleaned up again.

So he did. Lukas hurried back home. He had still had time, but he didn't want to dilly-dally. He changed out of his dirty clothes, throwing on sweats and a hoodie while his regular outfit was in the laundry. While his clothes were in the wash, he took another shower, being sure to take extra care to clean all the muck out of his hair. He halfheartedly sung another verse of his song while he rinsed and toweled off. Once he was dried off, he got out the gel again and styled his hair into the wave. He hit it with a round of hairspray for good measure.

After changing into his newly-laundered clothes and as he left the house, he checked the clock again. 8:40. He'd used up almost an entire hour repairing the damage from the mud assault.

"Gosh darn it. Well, at least I still have time."

Lukas snuck around like a ninja on his way to town, dodging behind trees and striking kung fu poses whenever he thought he heard someone on the road. (Well, okay, edgy poses he _thought_ were from kung fu.) He kept a sharp eye out for people on horseback.

Eventually Lukas snuck his way into town. He relaxed a little, because there was no mud on the roads in town, but he didn't want to let his guard down too much. After all, you never know when something messy is lurking right around the corner. It was really hard for him to make his way through town, because it was crawling with fans. Everywhere he went, a gaggle of fans sprung on him, babbling their fangirl chatter.

"Oh mah gosh! It's Lukas! Hi, Lukas!"

"I cosplayed as you for Endercon!"

"Lukas, I love you! You're hot!"

"Shut up, Emmaline! He's dating Jessie."

"Can I have your autograph?"

"You have the best armor in the New Order."

"Will you be doing book signings?"

"You should have a pet ocelot!"

Lukas really didn't want to interact with the paparazzi today, but he was too polite to run away without acknowledging them. He dutifully signed a few autographs, gave a fanboy some cosplay tips, and hugged several people who asked for hugs. Then he fled before they could demand anything more of him.

"Ha!" he said when he made it deeper into town, near the city park. "I made it. The Order Hall is just around the bend. I have time to spare!"

Then, down the sidewalk, a group of school-aged children spotted him. They were just as avid New Order fans as the teenagers from before, and they squealed in delight when they saw their hero. They dropped their toy swords (they'd been playing "monster slayers") and rushed over to Lukas.

At first Lukas was amused by the kids, but then his eyes went wide when he saw what the little guys were carrying.

GLITTER.

The boys and girls carried cans of glitzy rainbow glitter, the kind that sticks to your clothes and takes three washes to fully remove.

The bane of every babysitter and VBS volunteer! And the kids were honing in for the attack with an ample supply of the stuff.

"Oh, no. No. No glitter!" He started to back away. "Don't throw any glitter on ol' Lukas, okay, kiddos?"

"But you'll look so _pretty_ with sparkles!" a little girl said, and prepared her attack.

"Noooooooo!"

It seemed to happen in horrible slow motion! Lukas ducked, but he couldn't save himself from the onslaught. Before the children's delighted eyes, the girl dumped the entire can of glitter on Lukas. He gasped and choked as the shiny stuff covered him like a blanket of snow. The kids hopped up and down and hooted happily as he coughed glitter out of his mouth and picked it out of his ears. There wasn't a spot of Lukas not adorned with sparkles.

The girl clapped and cheered. "Pretty colors!"

"Why?" Lukas cried to the sky. He pushed past the crowd of pesky kids and ran back home. He had to get cleaned up _again!_

Once he got home, he threw his clothes in the wash and chose an extra-strong setting. Then he took a third shower, but it was mostly to get the glitter out of his hair. He watched the glitter blend into the water and slide down the drain.

"Oh, those dumb kids. I wonder if we can get Community Planning to approve a ban on glitter in town," Lukas wondered as he toweled off after his shower. "Or at least restrictions."

He gelled up his hair and hit it with enough hairspray to make the ozone layer weep for grief. Once his hair was resculpted and he changed back into his newly de-sparkled clothes, he checked the clock before leaving.

9:20.

"Eesh, I'm cutting it a little close," he said as he started off toward town again. "I hope nothing else tries to mess up my hair."

Once again he tried the "sneak like a ninja" method to get to town without any incidents on the road. One time a person on a horse rode down the road, but Lukas dove for cover before he could get splashed. He made it safely into town again, this time keeping a sharp eye out for kids with glitter. He was a bit pressed for time by this point, so he ignored the fans.

One fangirl was persistent, though. Lukas gasped in horror as he recognized her. It was the girl with the brown curls, unicorn T-shirt, and unyielding crush on him. She haunted his nightmares.

"Margie!" he stammered.

"Lukas my bae!" she drawled as she started running at him, arms outstretched to capture him in an unwanted hug.

"No, Margie, no! Stay away from me!"

"Kiss me, bae!" She pursed her plump purple lips at him.

"I don't love you. I love Jessie!" Lukas sprinted away from Margie as if she were the White Pumpkin.

"Don't be silly, bae!" She chased him down the street. "We can be together forever. Let's be together forever."

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NOOOO!"

Lukas, in his haste to escape the terrible clutches of Margie, wasn't watching where he was going as he ran. He rounded a corner too fast and crashed into a stack of storage crates. They were a shipment of supplies that had just arrived at a trading post. The crates broke apart from the impact, and Lukas tripped and fell.

"Oh, crap!" he exclaimed, lying on his back in a mess of slime and feathers. The glop stuck to his skin and seeped into his clothes. He was covered with almost enough feathers to pass off as a chicken.

Margie came to a screeching halt when she saw the state of Lukas. Her nose wrinkled up. Her blonde crush had suddenly become very unattractive.

"Like, ew," she said. "Nvm. You're gross." She strutted away importantly, curls bouncing. She later got distracted by a new heartthrob: some attractive guy who called her "cute stuff" as he walked past. She was then convinced that he was her soul mate.

"Fah. Good riddance," Lukas muttered when Margie left. "Oh, but my hair got all messed up again...GOSH DANG IT!"

He sprinted home, ignoring the stares from the other people. They were more than a little confused by the blond kid covered in slime and feathers. They wondered if he was part of some weird street performer stunt.

Pouting and raging, Lukas returned home and threw his clothes in the wash a third time. Then he marched off to the w.c. to take yet another shower and clean his hair.

"At least Margie might leave me alone now," he mumbled as he worked shampoo into his blonde mane and rinsed it out along with the slime. "I feel sorry for that poor bloke who called her 'cute stuff,' though. She's going to stalk that dude for who knows how long now."

With his hair cleaned, Lukas gelled it up into a wave. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and nodded. He really liked that hairstyle.

"Oh, please let me make it to the photo shoot without my hair getting messed up," he prayed to the Creator as he pulled on his clothes. "I don't want to take another shower. Have mercy. Please let me stay clean."

Lukas strapped on his armor piece by piece, buckling the straps as quickly as he could. Then sighed, relieved. All ready to go. He really hoped he'd make it this time. He checked his clock before slipping out the door. It read 10:15.

"Crud! I only have fifteen minutes to get to the Order Hall!" Lukas shot out the door and ran down the road. He'd have to kick it into high gear if he wanted to make it to the photo shoot on time. With not a small amount of dismay, he realized that he had no time for any of his other plans this morning! Dang! He really wanted to check out the ocelots or take Jessie out to breakfast this morning, but now he couldn't do any of that.

Lukas knew he had to be on guard against anything that wanted to mess up his precious hair. He kept a three-meter berth between himself and the muddy road, as a precaution against people on horseback. He didn't stop to greet anyone on the way to town. Once he reached town, he ignored the fans and paparazzi. He eschewed anything that glittered and avoided the gaggles of little kids on the streets. He kept a sharp eye out for Margie. He carefully rounded street corners. Hey, so far, so good! He started to giggle to himself, elated that he was finally going to make it to the Order Hall without getting dirty.

As he ran around a corner, the shiny Order Hall came into view. He pranced toward it, arms outstretched as if he was going to hug the building. On the lawn of the Order Hall, the other members of the Order of the Stone were milling about. Jessie was talking to the photography crew. A banquet had been made for the event; Olivia shooed Axel away from the food on the picnic tables. Petra tried out different poses, trying to decide which one she wanted to strike for the picture.

"YEAH! WAHOO!" Lukas cheered as he skipped onto the lawn, miraculously spick-and-span. He'd successfully evaded everything trying to get him dirty on the way to the photo shoot.

"Vhy is zee blond boy so excited für zee photo shoot?" asked the photographer. "I haf never seen anyvone so happy to get zayr picture taken."

"Wait," Lukas said, stopping his happy dance. "Did I somehow get dirty on the way here?"

" _Nein_ ," said the photographer, looking him up and down. "You are all clean."

"Okay, good." Lukas breathed a sigh of relief, then walked over to talk to Jessie. One of the photographer's assistants was explaining how a camera works to her. When she saw Lukas, she thanked the guy for his time and then turned to address her friend.

"Hey, Lukas," she said. "I'm glad you could make it. I was starting to get a little worried there. You were cutting it really close."

He shrugged. "I had some mishaps on the way here."

Just then, Jessie looked worried; she pointed. "Lukas, look out behind you."

"Huh?" He turned, but it was too late.

Jessie saw the whole unfortunate scene play out right in front of her. A person carrying jugs of milk for the banquet wasn't looking where she was going. She plowed right into Lukas. The jugs tipped over and spilled all the milk on him. That also knocked him off-balance.

"Whoaaa!" he yelped, stumbling backwards. To make matters worse, he tripped on a rock. Down he went. He clipped the edge of the picnic table as he fell. The force made a jar of celebratory glitter sitting on the table fall off. It dumped its contents on Lukas, who landed on his back in a mud puddle. The whole incident couldn't have taken more than half a minute.

Jessie gawked.

Lukas lay on his back in the mud puddle, stunned.

Jessie leaned over and looked him in the eye. "Lukey? Are you okay?"

He staggered to his feet. He was covered in milk cream, mud, and glitter. His hair was a mess. All of his efforts washing his clothes and polishing his armor were for naught.

The other NOOTS members and the camera crew walked up to Lukas. They gave him some sympathetic "aww"s, but as if that was going to help him.

Jessie bit her lip. "Lukey, are you okay? You look like you're going to cry."

And cry he did. "I'm sorry, Jessie! I'm sorry! I tried to stay clean for the picture. I really tried! But...but...there was mud, and...kids with glitter, and...took lots of showers...mud...guy with a jug of milk...more glitter...I'm sorry!"

"Aww," Jessie said, digging a hanky out of her pocket. She approached her weeping friend and gave him the hanky.

"I'm so sorry!" he sobbed. He wasn't so upset that he got dirty, but rather that he thought he had disappointed his friends.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay. You're okay," Jessie soothed. "Just wipe the tears. That's it. You're going to be all right. Don't cry."

"You're not upset?" he asked, smearing the hanky across his dirty face.

"No, not at all. Why would I be upset?"

"You told me to stay clean for the picture, but I kept getting dirty!"

"Is that what you're so sad about?" she asked. "Oh, don't worry about that. We can fix it."

The photographer approached. "Oh my. Vat is zee Lukas crying about? Und vhy is he so dirty? He vas clean just eine minute ago."

"There was a little mishap," Jessie said.

"The photo's ruined!" Lukas wailed.

"Oh, _nein, nein_ ," said the photographer, putting up a hand. "Not _ein bichen._ Vee can get you cleaned up."

Lukas sniffled. "You can."

"Yes, yes, vee can. Now stop zee crying, please." The photographer turned to his assistants. " _Jungen!_ I need zee garden hose! _Schnell!_ "

They hurriedly removed a garden hose from their supplies and brought it to the photographer. He switched the water on and hosed Lukas down, cleaning away all the cream, mud, and glitter. It also magically restored his hair to its gelled wave. Lukas practically sparkled and gleamed when they were done.

"Wowie zowie!" Lukas exclaimed, admiring his new squeaky-clean status. "Thanks!"

" _Ja,_ it's nothing," said the photographer. "But vee cannot fool around any longer. I am pressed für time today. Vee must take zee picture quickly. No more distractions."

"Right, right," the New Order members said as they tried to get themselves arranged for the picture.

"Tall people should go in zee back. Short people must go in zee front."

Petra and Axel ended up in the back row, with Olivia, Jessie, and Lukas up front. Petra tried to give bunny-ears to Olivia.

"No doing zat, _Fraulein_. Zis is a serious photo," the photographer scolded.

She retracted her hand. "Sorry."

"Now smile nice, New Order of zee Stone. Say cheese." He stood on a small stool and held up his camera.

Lukas smiled proudly, glad that things were finally okay.

"Cheese!"

 **THE END**


	5. Petra Goes on a Date (Pt 1)

**Petra is trying to find Mr. Right, but these guys are most definitely Mr. Wrong! Watch as she goes on hilariously bad dates with a bunch of losers.**

 **Inspired by a comedy one-act play I did two years ago. I played a girl who goes on blind dates with lots of weirdos before** _ **finally**_ **meeting a guy who's actually decent; he's had to suffer through a night of terrible dates, too. Will Petra be that lucky? Probably not. But it will be fun to watch anyway.**

 _Dimension: Treehouse Dimension (Home dimension of Jesse/Jessie)_

 _Jesse Used: (Twin Jesse AU) Fem and M Jesse, variant 2_

 _Timeline: After "A Journey's End"_

 **Part I**

Petra had been dragged, almost literally kicking and screaming, into this. She wondered how exactly things had worked out to her disfavor for this to happen. Well, she suspected Olivia had a large role in it, in any case. Her nerdy friend was a little too excited for her involvement to be merely casual. Because of that over-enthusiasm, Petra currently stood in the middle of the basement, surrounded by every dress and skirt Olivia owned. Which was way more than Petra had expected. They were hung over the closet doors, draped on chairs, spread out on the floor, and thrown into piles.

"I can't believe you don't own a single dress, Petra!" Olivia chirped. "You had to come over to my house to pick one out? Gosh! I hope I have one that fits you. What size were you again?"

The redhead shrugged. "Small, medium, both work for me."

Olivia ruffled the tulle skirt on some hideous orange thing. "No, no, that's not how dress sizes work, Petra. You're thinking shirt sizes. You see, the small-medium-large system only works for clothes made out of fabric that stretches. So, like, T-shirts and sweats and such. If the cloth doesn't stretch, then there's a number system."

"How would I know that?"

"...By shopping for clothes? How else do you know what to get?"

"I just grab what I like and try it on to see if it fits."

Olivia shuddered. "Too disorganized."

"Pish-posh. We're about the same size. Whatever fits you should fit me."

"I just want to be sure. Oh, wait! I know. I can dig out my sewing kit and measure you with the tape. Then I'll know exactly what dimensions you need-"

"Are you finding a dress for me or tailoring one?" Petra gave her friend a sarcastic look.

"You want me to tailor one for you?"

"No! Heaven knows you pulled enough things out of your closet. You're bound to have _something_ that will fit me."

"Well, I'm size ten, so I'm guessing that's what you are, too?" Olivia rummaged through a pile, casting the too-small dresses to the side. "How's this?"

"This" was a full-length evening gown on a hoop skirt. It had a collar, sleeves down to the wrists, and a corset. The fabric was mauve-colored and printed with a floral pattern. Petra just stared.

"I'm going to a date, not a re-enactment of colonial times, Olivia. Where did you even get that?"

Olivia bit her lip. "I just...I think period pieces look very elegant at formal settings."

"They looked elegant at formal events...in the 1850s! Not today! Put that back in the closet!"

"Okay, okay, okay. Sheesh." Olivia put it back in the closet and took out something else. "How's this instead?"

It was a blue brocade. It had a swishy full skirt, translucent sleeves, and a corset bodice. She showed it to Petra.

"What about this one?"

"It's just missing the glass slippers," Petra sneered. "I'd look like Cinderella in that."

"What's wrong with that? I like the Cinderella story."

"Well, I don't. So corny."

"It's not corny. It's a beautiful story."

"If the slipper fit her perfectly, why did it fall off when she was running away?" Petra planted her hands on her hips.

"Maybe her foot was sweaty from all the dancing," Olivia defended.

"Why are we even talking about this?"

"You started it."

"Whatever. Just pick something else out."

Olivia snatched a green dress off of the floor. It had a midcalf-length, pleated skirt, a sequined bodice, and no sleeves. The nerdy girl dusted it off and handed it to Petra, smiling hopefully.

Petra took it and studied it, then shrugged. "It's not terrible. But green isn't my color."

Olivia folded over, hands on her knees, and groaned. "Whyyyy?"

This continued for at least forty-five minutes. After a while, Olivia stopped counting how many frocks she offered to Petra. Petra would always find some reason to reject a dress. Skirt is too long. Wrong color. Dorky print. Too dowdy. Not enough pizzazz. Too much glitter. And the ever-famous "it looks like something XYZ would wear…"

"...Hippies."

"...Amish girls."

"...Snow White."

"...The girl trying too hard to be prom queen."

"...Medieval princesses."

"...My grandma."

"...The king of Siam's wives." (Hold the phone...did Petra see a certain musical recently?)

"...Mermaids."

"...Wannabe otakus."

"...1800s schoolteachers."

" _Oh, my gosh, Petra!_ Just pick something!" Olivia threw a bundle of skirts in the air in frustration. "Otherwise, you'll never make it to your date on time."

"Why don't I just wear a nice pair of pants and a sweater?"

"That's not feminine enough. You have to show off your panache."

"I'm a tomboy."

"But don't you want to make a good impression?"

"Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine!" Petra fumed. She went over to a yet-untouched pile of gowns languishing in the corner of the room. She reached down and grabbed a random gown from the pile. She lifted her find off of the heap. It was an elegant royal-blue number, with a billowy knee-length skirt and only one shoulder strap. It had gold accents and it corset-tied up the back with gold ribbon.

"Oooh," Petra mused. "This...this isn't actually half-bad. It reminds me of my armor!"

"You like it?" Olivia clutched her hands under her chin, hopeful.

Petra fluffed the skirt. "Yeah, I do. I think I like it."

"Hallelujah! Go put it on." Olivia pointed upstairs. "The w.c. is the second door on the left."

Petra went upstairs to put on the dress. Meanwhile, Olivia scrambled to put all the clothes back on their hangers and return them to the closet. She brushed dust off of their skirts and adjusted their shoulder straps, as if to apologize for Petra calling them "dowdy." Olivia also panicked when she saw one of those hideous little centipedes crawl across the floor. She ripped her shoe off and smashed it on the bug about fifteen times, just to make sure the little demon spawn was dead.

Right about then, Petra came back down the stairs, changed into the blue dress. She needed Olivia's help to tie the corset. Her feet were bare, because she hadn't picked out shoes to go with the dress yet. She looked quizzically at her friend, who stood in the middle of the basement, holding one shoe and pointing at a brown smudge on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Scary...centipede," Olivia explained breathlessly, jamming her shoe back on her foot.

"Really, Olivia? You and I and the rest of our friends go out fighting mobs almost every day, and a puny centipede is what scares you?"

"All those hideous little legs! Ugh!"

"Yeah, whatever. Just help me tie the laces on this thing."

So Olivia did. And she helped Petra find a matching pair of shoes. And she suggested Petra wear a jacket or a cloak over her dress while en route to the date, because it was supposed to be a cold night. And she helped Petra put on makeup. The feisty tomboy almost drew the line at the makeup, and even after she conceded, it was still a struggle. She squirmed the entire time Olivia dusted on blush and applied eyeliner.

"Enough! Enough!" Petra protested. "At this rate, I won't even look like Petra when you're done."

"Someday you'll appreciate the subtle art of embracing your femininity."

Petra gave her an unamused look.

"All right, I'm almost done. Just an eensy bit of concealer and you're ready." Olivia smeared a bit of pale concealer on Petra's face. It was to hide the tiny scars the girl had acquired while fighting as a New Order member.

"Aw, but I like my scars. They make me feel tough."

"Guys don't like amazons. Your scars make you look scary."

"That's bogus! Micah told me in his letters that my toughness is exactly why he likes me."

"Who's Micah? Oh, is he your date?" Olivia's eyes sparkled.

"Yeah. One of my fans with a crush on me. He sends me nice letters, and tells me about himself and his interests. Turns out, we have some things in common. We both like to practice fighting. We'll only go see a play if there's a fight scene in it. We have nerdy friends. Sounds like a nice guy, yeah? So we agreed to go on a date."

Olivia flashed her friend a sly smile. "Better not let Jesse hear about it, though. He'll be upset. I think he has the hots for you."

Petra blushed, making her dusted cheeks even pinker. "He does not. That's just a dumb rumor."

"They ship it! The fans ship it!"

"Shut up, Olivia!"

Olivia rolled her eyes innocently. "I'm just saying, if things with you and Micah don't work out, I just want you to know you're not out of options…"

"You don't need to say it. This is gonna work out."

"How do you know?" Olivia tapped her fingers on the tabletop.

There was an awkward pause.

"Aw, geez, I know basically nada about dating," Petra complained, suddenly unsure of herself. "Do you think I should ask Jessica for advice? She and Lukas have a pretty good, stable thing going."

"You can if you want, and maybe that would help, but no two relationships are really the same."

"That's...actually pretty good advice." Petra tapped her chin with her forefinger. Olivia had been acting kind of annoying before, but now that the fuss over getting ready was past, she had returned to her normal logical self.

"Thanks." Olivia picked up a shock of Petra's hair. "Do you want me to updo your hair at all?"

"Mmm...Nah." Petra shrugged. "I'll just run a comb through it and that'll be good."

"You sure? At least tuck it behind your ears so it doesn't look so wild."

"Ugh. Fine." Petra brushed her hair back and tucked it behind her ears. "How's that?"

"Better. Want me to hairspray it?" She held up a can of hairspray.

"No, thanks."

"All right. I think you should be good, then. Where are you having your date?"

"Emmaus Breakfast Club. You know, that diner down the street from the Order Hall."

Olivia paused for a second, trying to visualize it. "Oh! I think I know what you're talking about. Is it that place with the roof that looks like a big pancake?"

"Yep, that's the one."

"But why are you going there at 19:00? They don't serve breakfast after 11:00."

"They serve dinner, too."

"Oh. So I guess 'Breakfast Club' is a bit of a misnomer?"

"Whatever the word 'misnomer' means." Petra checked her clock. "Look, I gotta go, or otherwise I'll be late. Thanks for the dress. Do you want it back tomorrow already, or…"

"Just get it back to me when you can. And get it dry-cleaned first!" Olivia called after Petra as Petra went up the stairs to leave Olivia's house. All done up for her date, Petra grabbed her cloak off a hook on the wall and swept it onto her shoulders. Cloaks are so much more fabulous than jackets, after all. She stepped out of the house and onto the side of the road. From here, it was just a short walk into town.

The day began to wane into night. A band of orange grew across the west horizon, and the stars shone faintly. The chill wind fluttered her cloak. Petra flipped up the hood as she walked. This was both to shield from the cold and to hide her identity; she didn't want to be harassed by fans en route to her date. She didn't have time to sign autographs or answer questions.

She passed the glittering Order Hall. Only a few lights were on inside. Through the window, Petra could see the janitor, Eric, dragging a mop across the floor to wash away muddy footprints. She went about a city block's length down the road after that. Eventually she came up to a small building with red walls, a big glass window in front, and a roof modeled after a pancake. A sign hanging from the pancake roof called the place "Emmaus Breakfast Club."

Petra pushed open the glass door and walked inside. After verifying her reservation, she was directed to her table. She shed her cloak and slung it over the booth bench. The waiter kept asking what she wanted, and each time, she told him she wasn't going to order until her date arrived. The waiter set a glass of water on the table and wished her good luck on her date. And then there was the waiting. The minutes trickled by. Patrons came and left. Petra started to get a little anxious, hoping that Micah wasn't a date-breaker. Then she gave herself a mental thrashing for angsting over something like that. Bah! Petra the Warrior didn't angst if a date went south, right?

Sure, we'll go with that. Besides, just as soon as Petra was sure this was a setup, her date arrived.

The glass door swept open and in walked a heartthrob. He was tall and solid-bodied; the heft of his muscles was apparent even under the folds of his nice suit. He had shiny, platinum-blond hair with a brown highlight. There was a scar running over one of his hazel eyes, but it hadn't injured the eye. Nope, the scar only make him look like action hero hot stuff!

Micah walked into the midst of the room with long, confident strides. Several girls turned their heads as he walked past. But he ignored them; he was headed right for Petra's table. Petra could feel her heart start to pick up tempo in its beat. She fumbled with her napkin, wondering if she was supposed to put it in her lap or keep it on the table.

 _Oh gosh!_ she thought. _There he is. Ugh, he's even hotter in a suit. I hope I don't blow this. Cool! I have to be cool. Petra is always cool._

She took a deep breath and exhaled as Micah approached. She just couldn't rush things, that was it. She smiled at Micah as he pulled up a chair and took a seat across from her.

"Hi, Micah," she said.

"Hello, Petra. Sorry I'm late. I couldn't decide what tie I wanted."

"It's a nice tie!" Petra stuttered. She gripped the edges of her seat. Table talk wasn't her strong suit. She was a fighter, not a talker. But fighters were brave, and Petra supposed she would need to transfer some of her bravery to this situation.

She smiled at him again. "So tell me a little about yourself…"

Little did she know that she was _really_ going to regret saying that.

 **Oh, look! Micah is going to be a great guy, right?**

 **WRONG! Just you wait...**

 **To be continued...**


	6. Petra Goes on a Date (Pt 2)

**Part II**

Petra said the fatal words: "So, tell me a little about yourself."

Micah's eyes lit up. He smiled, set the diner menu on the table, and leaned back lazily in his seat. And then the lecture began. Occasionally he made gestures to emphasize his point. He had a bit of an accent, but Petra couldn't place it. Given how much he talked, though, she had plenty of time to make guesses.

"A little about myself, eh? Okay, I'll start at the beginning. I was born a couple miles west of here. I was a very cute child; just let me show you some pictures sometime. I moved here on my own and I've been doing splendidly since. I usually don't travel much, except for family reunions every couple of years."

Petra nodded. "That's very interesting. I was raised by my father in a cabin up north, where it's cold all year round. He taught me how to ice fish and—"

"Family can be such a bore sometimes," Micah drawled. "Oh, they talk about the most vapid things imaginable. Grandchildren and graduation parties and all that rot."

"Um, I was talking," Petra said. "Why'd you interrupt?"

"Interrupt? You just interrupted me. Now won't you let me speak?"

"I was the one who—"

"I wish I could have more athletic friends. Most of my friends are nerds who hardly know how to swing a sword. And they get upset when I kill things. Like, just the other day I slayed a cow so we could have some steaks and you would not believe how much they cried. They're such dorks, you know?"

"You shouldn't talk about your friends like that. Don't you like them?"

It was as if Micah didn't even hear her. "But I suppose I can be an example of strength to them. They can learn to be bold from me. Only bold people make it anywhere in the world! Being as good-looking as me doesn't hurt their case, either. I am quite attractive."

"Yes, but—"

"I help them train to fight. They're slow learners, but if I stay determined, maybe I can make it work. I know you like to fight because you tell me so in your letters."

Petra sighed in relief; she'd get to speak! "That's right. When the New Order goes on a mission, fighting the mobs is almost as rewarding as the treasure we find. One of my favorite moves is to attack from above, like jumping out of a tree. I've even come with with a battle cry to startle the mobs before I attack—"

"Yeah, okay, that's nice," Micah said dismissively, unimpressed. "But I can slay five zombies at once with one swing of a sword. I think that's pretty great."

"I invented my own fighting move. I call it the Warrior Whip—"

"Yeah, okay. I bet I can do that one really well. Maybe even better than you, actually."

Petra frowned. "Excuse me?"

Micah ignored her offense. "Anyway, I've killed fifty zombies in one afternoon. Or maybe it was seventy. I don't know. I killed so many I lost count."

"You feel awful good about yourself, don't you?" Petra crossed her arms.

"Who wouldn't? I'm amazing. I just wish people could pay more attention to me. The Order of the Stone isn't so special. I bet I could beat any one of them, multiple Order members even, if you set me up to it. I'd make Olivia or Lukas beg for mercy in seconds!" He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and smiled in the most egomaniacal manner imaginable.

That was the last straw. No-one talked smack about Petra's friends like that and got away with it.

She sprang right out of her chair. Her face flushed red with anger. She slammed one fist on the table hard enough to make the silverware rattle. Then she jabbed a furious finger at Micah.

"You! You are the most arrogant, self-absorbed BLOWHARD it has ever been my agony to know! I don't know why I ever agreed to go on a date with you. You're so selfish it actually hurts!"

"I am _not_ selfish!" Micah jumped out of his seat, too. "You're the selfish one. You won't let me talk. Don't you care about anything I have to say?"

"You've been saying things for the past hour. Enough! I want to talk! Isn't this my date, too?"

"What more is there to talk about with you? You already told me everything in your letters."

"No, I didn't. That's not all of me. I have more to talk about than fighting and stuff. I have my friends, the adventures we go on, other hobbies of mine...Let me tell you about them! And you...no-one talks about my friends like that. No-one!"

Micah didn't like the conversation, because it wasn't focused on him anymore. He tried to silence Petra by going in for a kiss on her cheek. She repelled him with a slap.

"Ouch!"

"Oh, no, you don't. You are not shutting me up with a kiss. Get out of here!"

"Maybe I will!" Micah slammed his hand on the table, then smoldered for a moment before whirling away from the table and heading to the door. "Next time I'll ask out a girl who actually listens to what I have to say."

"Next time I'll date a boy who thinks about people other than himself!" Petra threw a napkin at Micah as he stormed away. "Good riddance!"

The glass door shut with a loud bang. Petra watched Micah leave, then flopped back in her seat and grumbled to herself. Unfortunately, their theatrics had been way too noticeable, and now everyone in the diner was staring at her. A busboy went up to her booth, put a packet of tissues on the table, and scurried away before Petra could lash out at him. Petra glared at the pretentious little packet in its silly plastic wrap. Just what were they insinuating? That she was upset enough over a bad date to cry? How dare they!

She pushed the tissue packet away, then rested her chin in her hands. Why did finding the right person have to be so _hard_? For a long time, she just sat there with her head in her hands. A waiter approached with a menu, but then avoided her table when he saw how distraught Petra was. Like she would really want to order right now. Well, either that, or she would order an entire tub of ice cream to drown her sorrows, and that's not healthy.

* * *

"Hey. Hi," someone said. They were standing over Petra.

"Mmphh...wha?" she moaned. "Wha'yo'wan?"

"Are you okay?" It was a man, maybe a handful of years older than her, who was speaking.

"Bad date," Petra explained, not looking up. "He was an arrogant pig."

"Gee. Sorry to hear that."

"Thanks."

"Petra?"

"What?" She was a little annoyed. What did this guy _want_?

"I've...well, um...I'm a fan. I like you."

She lifted her head off her hands and squinted at him. "Really? What do you mean by _that_?"

He chewed his knuckles, unsure of himself. "Uhh…"

"It's the _like_ kind of like, eh?"

"I have a crush! I admit it!"

Petra shifted her shoulders a little, then smiled. "Well, I'd hate for all the effort Olivia put into this dress and makeup to go to waste, and you seem like a real nice guy, and my other date went south, so…maybe we could chatter for a bit? I don't know."

He took a seat across from her. "My name's Maximus. Call me Max, okay?"

"I can do that, Max."

"Squee!" He grinned and clutched his hands under his chin. Max wasn't nearly as good-looking as Micah, but he did seem like a sweetheart. He had a round, cheeky face and ruffled hair. He dug a piece of folded paper out of his shirt pocket. Then he unfolded it and placed it next to his plate.

Petra leaned over. "What's that?"

"Just some notes. I have trouble remembering everything I want to say."

A little weird, but Petra sorta understood why someone would want that. "Alrighty then. What were you thinking of ordering?"

Max thumbed through the menu. "I could go for a plate of pancakes. I like pancakes."

"They don't serve breakfast at this time of night."

"They don't? Darn it. Okay, gimme a second to pick something else."

A waiter visited their table, asking if they were ready to order. Max shooed him away because he wasn't ready yet.

While they waited, Petra tried to make some conversation. "Ever dated before?"

"Meh, a few times. My last girlfriend dumped me on Christmas Eve."

"Aww," Petra said, feeling bad for him. "I'm sorry. That's got to sting."

"It took me a while to recover after that. You're the first girl I've dated since then. You see, I can't just casually date. I'm really looking for that soul mate. And it's hard to find! I need _commitment._ Dreams for the future, y'know?"

"Why? Do you have plans?"

"Oh, yes. Definitely."

"What are your plans?"

Again with the fate-tempting words. Max sat up straight in his seat and a light blinked on in his eyes. He consulted his notes, and then the pontificate began.

Max babbled so much that Petra struggled to follow: "What I was thinking is that we could have a date every two weeks from now until four months later. We're going to have to have at least five dates before the wedding or else the relationship will seem too rushed. We have to have the wedding in four months at most, because after that is my family reunion and my mother is going to harp on me if I haven't tied the knot by then. She keeps complaining that she wants grandchildren. Now I already have most of the stuff for the wedding planned out. Formal ceremony with full Catholic rites, followed by a reception at some dinner hall (we can pick that one out together.) The bridesmaids should all have bright yellow dresses, because yellow is traditionally feminine, and believe you me, Petra, I am _very_ traditional. After the wedding we could honeymoon in Redstonia for a month. I have my eye on a house in town for us to live in as a family. It's a pretty pink house, and it has lots of room for our three kids. Oh! Speaking of kids, I have good names planned out for them. I was thinking Gertrude, Lawrence, and Rehoboam. Of course, those are my first choices. If you don't like those, don't worry, 'cause I have an entire list of more names I like. Oh, this is going to be so great! I see a flowery lifelong love budding right now, all ready to bloom and be beautiful!"

Petra just sat there, stunned. Her mouth gaped open. It took a full three minutes for her to regain her composure enough to respond.

"You...you have our entire relationship planned out beforehand? We've been dating for, like, two minutes!"

"I like to be prepared."

Petra pulled at her hair, still trying to process it. "But...but what if I don't want to do those things?"

"What do you mean?" Max sounded hurt.

"Okay, first of all, do you have any idea how long and tedious a Catholic wedding is? Second, why Redstonia of all places? That has to be the most boring honeymoon destination in the world. And third, _three_ kids? What the hey? What if I don't want to have _any_ kids?"

"But children are a blessing!" Max protested.

"And those are stupid names, too. Gertrude and Lawrence are so old-fashioned, and I don't know where you got the name Rehoboam, but it's stupid."

"It is _not_ stupid! He was king of ancient Israel! Or was that Jeroboam? Dratted similar names."

"I think you're missing the point. What if I don't want to have _any_ kids?"

"I want kids."

"That's easy for you to say. You're a man. You're not the one who has to carry a baby inside you for nine months. And you want me to have to go through that _three times?_ "

"You're just being difficult. I have great ideas."

Petra flopped back in her seat and scowled. "I suppose you know what we're going to have for dinner on our 15th anniversary."

"That I do! Beef tips and creamed corn," Max said cheerily, completely missing her point.

"Look. Max, you're a very sweet and thoughtful young man, but for heaven's sake, give me some breathing room. And _slow down_. We can decide what we want the wedding to be like and where to live...later. When we get to that point. Like, we might not have the right chemistry and end up breaking up. In order to figure out if we do or don't, we have to date first. For now, let's settle down and eat dinner for our date, huh?"

"No, Petra!" Max whined. "I spent a lot of time coming up with my plans. I'm not going to let that go to waste. Come on! Please?"

"No! I'm not going to let you control our entire relationship. You're being as selfish as Micah."

"Who?"

"My bad date! This is turning out to be another bad date!" Petra jumped out of her seat, feeling a little hysterical.

"Don't dump meeee!" Max wailed. "I can't stand it!"

"I don't want to be your girlfriend. You're controlling! You're nice, but you're a control freak!"

"If you don't like my plans, maybe I should just go away. And look for someone else."

"Go right ahead, buster." Petra made shooing motions at him. "I'm sorry, Max, but this is not going to work out."

"Okay. Okay. Bye." He got out of his seat and walked away. "I can take a hint."

Petra slumped and sighed. She felt bad about being mean to Max, but he was _way_ too controlling. Like, for heaven's sake! He had the entire relationship planned, down to the names of the three kids he wanted to have. Petra shook her head, hoping that he would learn to relax his expectations by the time he was ready to date another girl.

The waiter returned to the table, but then he paused awkwardly when he noticed that Petra was sitting alone.

"Uh-oh," he said, holding the water pitcher.

"This sucks," Petra complained, putting her head down. "Now the tally's _two_ losers. What's next?"

"Uh...Uhm…" The waiter hurried away, forgetting to pour Petra a new glass of water. No way was he getting involved in dating drama.

* * *

Petra wrapped her cloak around her shoulders. She was getting cold in her dress. Some patrons were staring at her, having seen both dates turn sour, but Petra ignored them. She wanted to cry, but she told herself that she wasn't allowed to do that. She was too tough to cry and angst over a bad date or two.

But she was still disappointed.

Was the problem them or her?

She rested her chin in her hands. Her eyes half-closed. The diner noise faded into a general mumble of background sound. She almost dozed off into a nap.

"Good evening!" a bright, Korean-accented voice called out suddenly. Petra sat up straight. That sounded like...Jesse. She glanced over her shoulder.

Jesse stood at the front of the line, trying to get a table. He had come alone—not even accompanied by his twin sister Jessica. He wore his normal clothes sans armor, but he did have a bushy green scarf around his neck. He took it off once he got inside and wound it around his arm.

"I'm sorry, Jesse, but we don't have any unoccupied tables," the waiter explained. "You'll just have to come back another time…"

Petra felt an impulse. Maybe it was because she had already been disappointed twice tonight, and now she didn't want her friend to be disappointed. Besides, she needed someone to talk to.

"Jesse! Jesse, over here!" she called, jumping up and waving to him. "I've got an open spot at my table. Come on over!"

Jesse asked the waiter if it was okay. Once given the clear, the small-statured, tan-skinned boy trotted over to Petra. He swung his scarf around his arm.

"Oh, hi, Petra. Gosh, you look nice." He smiled bashfully. "How come you're all dressed up?"

"Thanks. I was on a date," she replied.

"Date? Uh oh! Isn't your date going to be mad that I'm here? I should go away." He chewed his fingernail.

"No, no, no. My date is gone now. The first guy was a self-centered blowhard, and the other was a control freak. I sent them away. You're okay."

"Okay." Jesse sat across from her. "Sorry about that. They sound nasty."

"The first one was handsome, but a total brat. He stormed off because I didn't want to listen to him talk about himself all the time. And the second was nice, but he already had our entire relationship planned out, and I can't take that much organization. Yeah, they were losers."

"I've never dated before. What's it like? Do you just talk and eat dinner and stuff?"

"That's about it."

"What's the big fuss, then?"

"That's a good question." She smiled at him. Normally she was the one to bring Jesse down to earth when he was freaking out, but now the roles were reversed. He helped her snap out of the angst.

"Maybe...I dont' know...sometimes it's better when a boy and a girl do things and go places, but just as friends."

"You know what, Jesse?"

"What?"

"I think you're right...friend."

 **THE END**


	7. Bad Fanfic

**While we wait for the next installment of Portal Party or Minecraft: Silly Mode, please enjoy this atrocity masquerading as fanfic. I dared myself to write something with these parameters:**

 **+I must write something in 20 minutes and no more.**

 **+It must be 1000 words long; 650 at the very least.**

 **+I have to write it at 22:00 when any fanfic idea seems like a good idea.**

 **+I will not plan any plot ahead of time.**

 **+I can correct malaprops and change my mind about the phrasing of a sentence, but I am not allowed to correct typos or grammar mistakes as I write.**

 **Imagine it at the terrible writing of a New Order of the Stone fangirl in Jessie's hometown, who has a crush on Lukas and hates Jessie for "getting in the way" of her affection for him. So to relieve her frustrations, said fangirl lives out a wish fulfillment fantasy as "Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsune" and makes Jessie the villain of every fanfic.**

 **If you can survive the bad writing, I have a special bit of news at the ending A/N!**

* * *

A/n: Okay so this is my first fanfic so go easy on my guys. i m just writing thins fo rfun.

Jayfe Ebony raven Kitsun was brand new to Stonebork. In Jesse's homeowld. She was from Redstonia, but boved to Jesse's town Stonebrook because she was too talented for everyone else in Redstonia. Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsune was the msartest girl in Redstonia and wowed everyone with her inventions. So they told her that she had to lvea and go to Jessie's hometown so she could stop making them feel adumb about their redstona inventioned.

Jayde was said to leave, but also excited to start a new life in Stonebrook. She had hard all about Jessie and her friends. Petra, Olivia, Axel, Lukas, Ivor, the Old Order, and Harper and all those guys. But what really interested her was Lukas. He was so hot, with his blond hair and blue eyes and leather jacket. Jyde new she was in love with Lukas, and somehow, he could sense that he loved her too. (lol I know dey haven't met yet but cmon. Think of it as one of those soulmakte AUs.)

There was just one problem. Jessie. Jessie got int he way of everything because she liked Lukas, too. Only she wasn't as good. Because she wasn't as smart or pretty or good and perfect as Jayde Ebony Raven Kitseun. Jayde was so smart that dhe should tell htat Lukas didn't really love Jessie, he loved Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsune. But he was too afraod of Jessie to admist that he didn't want to be her boyfriend.

Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsun e knew that she had to save Lukas from Jessie. But how? Jayde was smart, so she could probalb y come up with a really smart plan to get Jessie out of the way so Lukas could be with Jayde instead.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you what Jayde looks like. She has really long black hair that reaches town to her waist and it has pnk an green stripes in it. It's curly. She wars a glittery T0shirt dress with a purple cardiagn over the top and wears leggings underean the dress. She also wears purple shoes. Jaybe Ebony Raven kitsune has one purple eye and the other chnages cloro. Like when she's sad it s blue but when she's happy it turns yelllow. Anyway, I wanted to give JAyde cool dragon wings 2 but I thought day might be to much like a Mary Sue, lol. (Jayde is a levled out character! Don't tell me she's a mary sue! haterzz!)

So one day Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsune came up with a great plan to save Lukas from Jessie and let him find his soul mate, witch was of course Jayde Ebony Raven Kitsune. Her idea was to overhwehlem Jessie with her smartness and make JEssie realize that Lukas has to be with the best girl, which we know is Jayde.

But when HJayde Ebony Raven Kitsun overweholjmed Jessie wiwteh her smartsness, Jessie turned out ot bo a terrible villain! She summoned up a bunch of fire and smoke and throu fireballs at innovent people walking on the street. And that's not okay. JAyde knew that she not only had to save Lukas from Jessie, but she also had to save eall of Stonebrok and maybe da whole wordl from Jessie, too. Quickl y Jayde thought quickly. She decided to use the magi c diamond sword her daddy gave her for her 18th birthday. But Jessie had ad dimonad sword, too! Oh noz! They battled with the swords for a long time and Jessie was really strong. But Jayde Ebony Raven Kitseun was stronger.

"Thi si for you, Lukas! I love youuuuu!" Jayde scream as yshe fought with Jessie.

And at last, JAyde beat Jessie in the sword fight! Ha! Yes! Go, Jayde Kitsune!

"You haven't seen the last of me, Jayde Ebony Raven Kitseun!" Jessie shouted as shewas run out of town by the angry town people. "I will have my revenge!"

But JAyde didn't have to think about that right now. All she cared aobut right now was meeting up wtih her soulmate, Lukas.

"Jayde...you really love me?" asked Lukas, walking over to her.

"Yes, Lukas, I really do love you. You're my soulmate."

"I knew it. I don't ssknow what I was thinking when I dated Jessie. You're my true love. We should kiss."

So they kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And theny they got married and lived ahppily every after, and nobody ever heard from Jessie again.

The end.

Jayde Ebony Raven Kitseun x Lukas 4evs people!1! yeah!

* * *

 **Hey, I did it! 777 words. 1 minute and 56 seconds to spare, too.**

 **Wow, was that bad or what?**

 **Now for the news! People have been upset that Portal Party is ending soon (there are only three, maybe four, chapters remaining) and asking if I'm going to be writing anything else for MCSM. The answer is yes. Besides Silly Mode shorts, I want to write a sort of sequel series to MCSM. I want to write something in the style of Portal Party, but taking place after Episode 8. I have lots of plans for it, too! I'm excited. :3**

 **~Tealy**


	8. Chained Heat

**After a fight with her Gabrigaard and Soregaard friends, a crazed Magnugaard shipper named Mackenzie resolves to make her OTP endgame. She decides that the only way to do so is to literally handcuff Magnus and Ellegaard to each other. She won't free them until they agree to get married and invite her to the wedding. Can Maggie and Ellie figure out how to cope with this new plot dynamic, or will they be forced to give in to the demands of their insane fangirl?**

 _AU used: No-one Dies AU_

 _Jesse used: N/A_

 _Timeline: post-Episode 8_

"And don't ever come to my house again!" Mackenzie screamed as she slammed the door to her house. Her friends, ex-friends now, wandered down the sidewalk holding their Gabrigaard and Soregaard fan art. Those heathens! They tried to talk her out of shipping Magnugaard. How could they have such gall? It disgusted her. Mackenzie huffed angrily and stormed into her room.

She plunked herself down at her desk and whipped out a book and quill. She started scrawling down a Mangugaard oneshot as a palate cleanser. She sighed blissfully when she got to the kissing scene. Oh, heck. The entire oneshot was a kissing scene. She'd never seen Magnus and Ellegaard kiss yet, so she had to keep imagining what it would be like.

"Grrargh!" she growled suddenly. "Why can't you two just GET TOGETHER already? You are obviously in love!"

Never mind that they argued all the time and were polar opposites in personality. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , will stop a fangirl from shipping. Do not underestimate the power and drive of a fangirl.

I give you this warning because it was in that moment that Mackenze started to concoct a plan. It was a dastardly scheme to make sure her pairing would be canon, no matter what. Mackenzie grabbed a pink notebook and a purple feather pen to write notes.

She chuckled to herself as she re-read them. "Oh, yes. That's perfect."

She kissed the notebook.

"You, my little friend, are a beautiful little plan."

Then she snuck into the basement. Mackenzie's father was a former Sky City royal guard; her family had immigrated to the Treehouse Dimension a few months ago. He still had his old regulation equipment in the basement, however. His uniform, his hat, a baton, and the object Mackenzie sought: a pair of handcuffs.

Mackenzie pulled them out of the box and turned them over in her hands, letting them glimmer and sparkle in the low light.

"Perfect."

* * *

Magnus woke up to something pulling on his arm. He groaned, kicked off the blankets, and turned over to see what it was. To his surprise, a metal ring was locked around his wrist. The chain attached to it ran over the edge of the bed onto the floor. It seemed to be attached to something heavy, because it pulled taut on the chain.

"What in the name of…?" Magnus leaned over the edge of the bed as best as he could. And then he got the surprise of the ages.

None other than Ellegaard herself was lying on the floor next to his bed. She had a ring around her wrist, too, and the chains…the chains were connected?

"Oh my fruity grape juice, Ellegaard!" Magnus shouted, startling her awake.

"What? What? Who-now-when-where-why?" Ellegaard stammered, jolting awake.

"Ellegaaaaaaaard!" Magnus bellowed. "We're freaking handcuffed to each other! Explain this!"

Ellegaard's mouth was gaping open in the most unladylike manner imaginable. "Magnus?! Why am I in your house? Did you kidnap me? You'd better not have!"

"Ellegaard? Why are you in my house? Did you sneak into my house? You'd better not have!"

"Why did you handcuff me to yourself?"

"Why did _you_ handcuff _me_ to _your_ self?"

"I didn't do that!"

"Well, neither did I!"

"What the heck is going on here?"

"I blame you, Magnus."

"You always blame me!"

By this point, they were both standing up, facing each other, and shouting at the top of their lungs. It was enough that you would have wanted earplugs if you were in the room at the time.

Magnus and Ellegaard stopped bickering when they heard a teenaged girl's voice say, "Wow! You two are so cute when you argue."

Someone else was in the room at the time, as a matter of fact. She was short and stout, with her hair dyed an assortment of outlandish colors. She was happily eating from a tub of popcorn as she watched them. She had _crazy fangirl_ written all over her. Literally. Her T-shirt proudly declared herself a Magnugaard fangirl.

"Who are you?" both Ellegaard and Magnus demanded.

"My name's Mackenzie," the girl said between mouthfuls of popcorn. "It's good to see you guys awake. I waited all night."

" _Why_ are you in my house?" Magnus glared at her.

"Child, you do know who the miscreant was that handcuffed me to Magnus?" Ellegaard held up her cuffed wrist.

"Oh, that was me," Mackenzie said, without skipping a beat or batting an eye. She licked her finger and rubbed it around in the bottom of the popcorn tub to get the last few kernels.

The two were stunned for a second, and then the unintelligible angry shouting commenced. Magnus's face was as red as TNT sticks, and Ellegaard's was as red as...well, redstone, I guess. Mackenzie could make out phrases like "stupidest thing I ever heard," "totally irresponsible," "bratty child," "how stupid could you be," and the tirade lasted for a good three minutes straight before Ellegaard and Magnus stopped to catch their breaths.

"What kind of stupid idea was it to handcuff me to the Queen of the Nerds?" Magnus growled.

"It is a GREAT idea, you philistine!" Mackenzie countered, throwing her empty popcorn tub on the floor. "Just wait 'til I tell you my plan."

"Oh, no." Ellegaard shielded her eyes with her free hand.

"Is this a kidnapping? Am I being kidnapped right now?" Magnus glanced around suspiciously.

Mackenzie grabbed a box of shoes out of the closet and slid it over to where she was going to stand. She stepped on top of it so she could be taller than Magnus and Ellegaard. She cleared her throat and then monologued on her evil plan:

"I want you two to know that I ship Magnugaard very hard. Just yesterday, my two stupid friends told me that they ship Gabrigaard and Soregaard. I'm sorry, but Gabrigaard and Soregaard? Nevah! They're stupid ships. Anyone can see that you two, Magnus and Ellie, are obviously an item. Magnugaard is endgame. I'll do anything to protect my OTP. And the best way to protect my OTP is to make sure that you two _can never leave each other_. That's why I handcuffed you to each other."

"This is an outrage!" Ellegaard snapped. "Release us this instant, you twerp!"

"Heh-heh, you called her a twerp," Magnus chuckled.

"I have the keys." Mackenzie waved the keys around in front of them. "I won't unlock your handcuffs unless…"

Ellegaard squinted. "Unless what?"

"Unless Magnus agrees to marry Ellegaard," Mackenzie said, an irrational fangirl's gleam in her eyes, "and invites me to the wedding."

Both their jaws dropped open.

"Le gasp! That's blackmail!" Magnus exclaimed.

"I know."

Ellegaard was furious. "You can't do that!"

"That's what you get for having no organized government in this dimension. No police force! The cops can't nab me for giving you this ultimatum. Community planning can't save you!"

"You're a monster," Magnus said.

"We aren't going to get married," Ellegaard insisted. "You can't intimidate us into getting married."

Mackenzie frowned. "Then I'm not going to uncuff you. I won't free you until you agree to tie the knot."

"You are a horrible, horrible human being!" Magnus shouted at Mackenzie.

"Anyway, I'll be waiting for when you're ready to give up. Let me know when you are. In the meantime, you'd better get used to being handcuffed to each other. Should I start picking out rings for you guys?"

Magnus ran forward only to get stopped by the handcuff chain, growling and flailing his arms. "Oooh! Let me at her! Let me at her!"

"We'll figure out a way to put a stop to your shenanigans," Ellegaard said to Mackenzie. "And then you will be in big trouble, young lady."

Unfazed, Mackenzie walked out of the house and went back to her own neighborhood. No-one else knew about her sneaky plan. She kept the key to the handcuffs safely in her pocket at all times. She got out her colored pencils and started drawing Magnugaard fan art, gloating over what a good plan this was.

Meanwhile, Magnus and Ellegaard were still trying to figure out what to do. It was just like Mackenzie had said: there was no way for them to get away from each other. When Ellegaard walked one way, Magnus was forced to follow, and vice versa. They had to work as a unit in order to move anywhere. Both of them were furious, but moreso at Mackenzie than at each other. They clumsily stormed out of Magnus's house.

"Maybe we should enter a truce," Ellegaard suggested.

"What's a truce?" Magnus wrinkled his nose at her.

Ellegaard rolled her eyes, then explained in an especially condescending manner, "A truce is an agreement for two enemies to stop fighting or arguing for a little while."

"So like what we're doing?"

Ellie sighed. "Yes. That's what we're doing. It's why I suggested it."

"And you think we should take care of that fangirl chick before we go back to fighting?"

"Yes."

"But Ellie, that's what she wants us to do! It's reverse psychology."

Ellie looked stunned, surprised that Magnus knew what reverse psychology was. Maybe it was a common griefer tactic?

"We'd be playing right into her hand," he continued. "If we stopped fighting, she'd start lying in wait to see us act friendly to each other. Then she'll wait for the friendship to become romance after all. It's a big win-any-way gambit for her."

"Who says that we were going to be friendly to each other?"

"We will, if we don't keep fighting and bickering."

"To remind us of how much you annoy me?"

"More like how much you annoy me."

"Oh? Oh? I'm the annoying one? Let me tell you a thing or two about what I think of your leadership in Boom Town…"

"Ah! That's the ticket, Ellie! Keep arguing with me. Soak in the hatred."

"Soak in the hatred? That's one of the dumbest lines I've ever heard."

"Can you come up with a better one?"

"Yes. Watch this. 'The revolution of one era becomes the establishment of the next.'"

"I asked for good lines, not weird proverbs!"

"A proverb can be a good line."

"No, it can't."

"Yes, it can."

"No, it can't."

"Yes, it can."

"Is the arguing plan working?"

"You tell me."

The thunder of explosions in Boom Town had fallen quiet for a spell, because the griefers had stopped for a mid-morning snack. They sat on windowsills and fences for a break, eating sandwiches out of adorable little lunch boxes. Most of them stopped and stared at Magnus and Ellegaard as they passed by. Who wouldn't stare at the former king of Boomtown and the Queen of the Nerds, handcuffed together for whatever reason?

"I just don't get grown-ups," one young griefer said, watching them from his perch on a window sill.

Ellegaard looked scornfully at the skeletal, burning buildings around them and the fires blazing in the streets. "This place is a disgrace. I've never seen more chaos in my life and—Is that an anarchy symbol drawn on a building? How uncouth!"

Ignoring that he didn't know what the word 'uncouth' meant, Magnus sniffed. "This place is awesome, thank you very much. We like the disorder. Besides, this isn't even close to the regular amount of griefing we enjoy. Everyone's just breaking for snacks right now."

"So I noticed."

"Hey, every now and then, we gotta lay down our TNT and truce so we can eat. Never grief on an empty stomach."

"We'd better get out of here before they're done with their snacks." Ellegaard glanced around nervously.

Magnus glared. "Why?"

"I don't want to be around when they go at it with the TNT again. _I_ was the one that crazed fangirl kidnapped and took to Boom Town! I want to go home!"

Magnus groaned loudly. "Ew, you want to go back to Nerdtown?"

"Nerdtown? You take that back right now. It's Redstonia and you know it."

"Duh. That's why I called it Nerdtown. 'Cause I know it makes you mad."

"Grr…"

"We're staying in Boom Town and that's final. I don't want to walk to Redstonia."

"And I don't want to stay in this dump!"

"Then figure out how to get these dang handcuffs off, because there's no way for us to be in two places at the same time."

"Hmph. Well, okay. I have an idea."

"What?"

"How about we switch from place to place every day? Today we can stay in Redstonia. Tomorrow we'll go back to (she sighed) Boom Town. And then on the day after, we'll go to Redstonia again, so on and so forth."

"But we'll still go to Boom Town every now and then, right?"

"Yes. I said so."

"Yeah, but you lie sometimes." He winked.

Ellegaard groaned. "I told you, we're putting Soren and the Ender Dragon in the past. The past is in the past, okay? Besides, you agreed to keep quiet about it, too. Don't pin it all on me."

"Just sayin'. I wasn't pinning anything on you."

"Yes, you were."

"I wasn't!"

"You implied it."

"What does 'implied' mean?"

Ellegaard resisted the urge to throw a dictionary at his bald head. "So do you want to go through with that plan or not?"

"Okay, fine. As long as we go to Boom Town. I don't want to be in Nerdville all the time."

Ellegaard's face blushed to the same hue as her precious redstone. "It. Is. Not. Nerdville!"

The walk to Redstonia was extremely unpleasant. The worst moment was this one:

"I just realized something terrible!" Magnus said all of a sudden.

Ellegaard asked, "What?"

He looked at her, eyes wide with horror. "What about when one of us has to go to the bathroom?"

Of course Magnus would be the one to think of that.

Ellegaard refused to dignify his question with an answer, even though she secretly wondered about it as he did.

At last, they reached the gates of Redstonia. Towers and wires rose up into the blue sky. They had nicely rebuilt the city following the Witherstorm attack. However, as another consequence, security was tighter now. The walls and gates were taller, and customs officers stood by to check incoming visitors. Yes, customs officers. They strutted about in brown uniforms and stupid-looking police hats, monitoring for signs of trouble. Ellegaard (and Magnus, by proxy) got to go right up to the gates, earning her scornful looks from the folks stuck in line. There were students studying abroad in Redstonia, immigrants from other towns and other dimensions, and plain old visitors, all caught in a torrent of red tape and meddlesome policing.

"Oh for the love of...This is the third time you've frisked me! I don't have any weapons, I swear!" a student complained as he was patted down again. Judging by his accent, he was a foreign exchange student from Sky City.

"I'm sorry, but this is regulatory policy," the gatekeeper droned.

Ellegaard approached and cleared her throat. "Excuse me. We'd like to enter."

The officer stopped frisking the student. "Ah. Miss Ellegaard. Wait, why were you gone and...huh? Why is Magnus handcuffed to you? Did he break a law?"

Ellegaard explained the ugly situation.

"Oh, dear. Um, all right. You'd better head inside." The officer opened up the gate and shooed Magnus and Ellegaard inside.

"That was easy," Magnus commented as they stepped onto the sidewalk. He ignored the redstone contraptions all around him. Too boring.

"Well, I have VIP status in Redstonia," Ellegaard said, making no effort to hide her pride. "You got to come with me as my guest. That's why they allowed you to bypass customs."

Ellegaard talked about how the Witherstorm damaged Redstonia, which brought her onto a tangent about Redstonia's golden history or whatever. While she prattled about the invention of the NOT gate and the unexpected utility of slime blocks, Magnus tuned her out. Instead, he reached into his pocket and felt for the sticks of dynamite hid therein.

He chuckled to himself. _Ha, smuggled it past customs. They never even frisked me!_

"Uh, yeah, that's nice, Ellie!" he said absently as he looked around, searching for a place that looked boring. His gaze settled on an automatic sugarcane farm. Super boring. Nothing on it moved. It was just a bunch of slow-growing sugarcane, waiting to be automatically harvested and collected. Yawn.

"Magnus, why are you going toward that auto farm?" Ellegaard asked, more than a little concerned. "Wait...You'd better not have TNT in your pockets!"

"I don't have TNT."

"Oh, that's a relief."

"I have dynamite!"

"No, no, no, no, don't—"

...

It was not a good day in Redstonia.

 **To be continued...**


	9. Christmas in July

**A bizarre weather abnormality has resulted in a few days of winter weather in the middle of July, and now Jessie's town is delightfully snowbound. The MCSM characters shrug and decide to pass the time by having Christmas in July. Because why not. What kind of holiday hijinks will our favorite characters get into?**

 **Yah I know it's not even July yet, but I had this ready to go and I figured I should release another Silly Mode short soon. The second part of Chained Heat is coming soon.**

 **Get your Christmas playlist ready!**

 _Timeline: After "A Journey's End," before "Hero in Residence"_

 _Jesse Used: Fem!Jesse, variant 3_

Jessie and her friends approached the gate of their hometown, Stonebrook, chattering enthusiastically about their latest treasure hunt. They were fresh from exploring temples and catacombs in the desert. Axel lugged the sack of loot he'd grabbed from the dungeon chests. Petra cleaned her gold sword with a cloth. Olivia reviewed the notes she'd taken on the primitive redstone mechanisms she'd found in the temples, wondering if she could learn any pointers from them. Jessie led the pack, keeping an eye out for prowling monsters.

It had been a long walk back from the desert temple raid, so it was evening by the time they reached town. The sun was setting, so the western sky was deep pink. A smattering of stars twinkled in the great blue firmament.

"Oh, brr," she said suddenly. "Does it seem cold to you guys?"

"It does, a little," Olivia answered. "Maybe it's just a matter of perspective, though. We did just come from the desert."

"Yeah, I suppose that's so."

But as they walked into town, the temperature continued to drop. Pretty soon, they were seeing white clouds around their faces whenever they breathed out. As they walked past a fountain, the water froze in midair. Jessie crossed her arms and shivered.

"That's not normal," she said in a massive understatement.

"I don't understand," Olivia said, glancing around at their chilly environment. "The temperature should not be dropping so low at this time of year. Why, it's the middle of July! This is an aberration."

"What's an aberration?" Axel asked. "Does that mean 'really freaking cold?'"

Olivia glared at him.

"It's snowing," Petra interrupted. She was looking up into the sky. Snowflakes had started to fall from the clouds, spinning in the air and landing delicately on the ground.

"Snow?" the other three exclaimed.

"That's impossible!" Olivia stammered. "The climate doesn't allow for that."

"No-one make any jokes about 'real howlers in July!' Or wanting to build snowmen, or the cold never bothering you anyway. That's almost four years old already." Jessie stomped her foot on the frosty ground.

"Um, I'm gonna head home if you guys don't mind," Axel said, throwing the bag of loot over his shoulder. "I don't like snow."

"Axel's right," Jessie chimed in. "We should go home and put on some warmer clothes. For whatever reason, we're getting winter weather in the middle of July, and we should be prepared."

"I bet Ivor screwed up with a potion," Petra muttered. "I bet you ten blocks of iron that he's involved with this somehow."

"Deal!" Axel stuck out his hand for her to shake.

"Oh. I just meant that as an exp...never mind, let's bet on it." Petra shook his hand.

Axel promptly left for his house after that, guffawing about his newfound treasure. Jessie hoped he planned on _sharing_ some of that. After all, they had helped find it, too. But she had bigger problems to deal with at the moment, so she let it slide for now.

"Do you like winter, Olivia?" Jessie inquired.

"In its due season," the girl responded. "Not in the middle of summer. Eesh. I'm gonna go home and put on a sweater. And maybe make a fire in the fireplace."

Olivia left, disappearing into a curtain of swirling snow. Pillows of snow congealed on the streets. It was pretty, but it was also pretty weird! Jessie half-expected to see reindeer and silver bells.

"What about you, Petra? What are you planning to do?" Jessie turned to her red-haired friend.

Petra shrugged. "At this rate, I should put up my Christmas tree. I don't think this snow is going anywhere for a while."

"Christmas in July?" Jessie brushed her snowflake-dusted hair out of her face.

"Hey, why not?" Petra chuckled. "As long as the snow's here, you might as well enjoy it, right?"

"I suppose that's reasonable."

"See you tomorrow, Jessie. If we aren't snowed in, that is." Petra waved a quick goodbye and left, casually strolling through the snowfall. Jessie supposed Petra was used to unpleasant weather. But she didn't know Petra liked winter and Christmas so much. Maybe it was because she grew up in a snow biome, like she said? Oh well. For now, Jessie had to deal with what Jessie was going to do about the snow.

"You know what?" she asked no-one in particular. "I'd better check on Lukas. He might have gone to bed already and doesn't know about the snow. I should warn him."

She tried to take off running towards his house, but didn't get far before slipping on a patch of ice and landing flat on her bottom.

"Ouch!" she cried out. "Okay, no running, I guess."

It might not have been a problem if she had been wearing boots or at least rubbed-soled shoes, but she was wearing her armor. Star Shield had boots, but they were metal and pretty lax for traction. Jessie stumbled to her feet and _walked_ to Lukas's house instead. He lived out of town. It felt lonely to walk alone down the outgoing road, in silence during a snowfall. It felt like something either sad or wonderful could happen.

"Christmas in July," she said to herself. "Who would've thought?"

She found Lukas's house and knocked on the door. When he didn't answer the first time, she pounded harder until he finally staggered up the door and answered.

"Hello?" a very sleepy Lukas mumbled. "Who's there?"

"It's me. Jessie. Right in front of you."

"Oh." He rubbed his eyes. "What's the matter?"

"There's a problem with the, uh, weather," Jessie said. "It's snowing in the middle of July."

She didn't really need to explain. Lukas looked past her and saw the swirling snowflakes.

"Oh my gosh," he said. "How?"

Jessie shrugged.

"Okay, that's weird."

"I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were OK. Put an extra blanket on your bed."

"Right, I'll have to do that. Wow…"

"Petra said she's going to put up her Christmas tree."

"I guess if she wants to enjoy the snow while it's here." He stepped outside and stood next to Jessie on the porch. "It _is_ kinda pretty. Even if it is weird."

"Yeah," Jessie agreed. "Fresh snow is beautiful. Especially when it's falling at night. Kinda looks like stars are falling out of the sky…"

When she mentioned stars, Lukas suddenly elbowed her.

"Ow!" She rubbed her side. "What gives?"

"Speaking of stars," said he, "you'd better have a look."

He pointed, and Jessie glanced in that direction. In the west sky, one star shone brighter than the others. It was large and four-pointed, shining bright white in the midst of the darkness.

"I've only seen that on Christmas cards!" Jessie exclaimed.

"Do you think it's trying to tell us something?"

She gave him a strange look. "Bethlehem is very far from here, if that's what you mean."

"Maybe it's warning us that Christmas is coming early this year. Other events would point to such."

"Yeah, I'd agree with that one. It's like Petra said. If it's gonna be cold and snowy, we might as well enjoy it. Want to have a Christmas party?"

"I don't know if I can," Lukas said. "My family is going to force me to come to _their_ Christmas party. I can't have one on my own. But maybe...maybe you can come with me?"

"Really?" Jessie's expression lit up.

"I think it could work. My mother keeps telling me she wants to meet my girlfriend some day."

Inwardly, Jessie was spazzing out in joy because he called her his girlfriend, but outwardly, she kept her cool. "Awesome! I bet it will be fun. Do you want me to bring anything?"

"Oh, heavens no. My mother makes so much food at holidays that we eat leftovers for weeks. It never changes."

Jessie chuckled. "Okay, then. Thanks for inviting me."

"I'll be looking forward to it."

Jessie started to leave, heading off to her own house. "See ya!"

"Yep, see ya." Lukas waved bye-bye after her. When Jessie was out of sight, he leaned against the doorframe and sighed happily.

"Stay beautiful."

* * *

 _The Next Day…_

A light snowfall fluttered to earth from the clouds. The weather was chilly enough to warrant winter jackets and fluffy mittens, but not cold enough to be terrible. Since it could be days before the snow cleared, the people of Jessie's town decided to get into the spirit of things and celebrate Christmas in July. They started slinging pine garlands between lamp-posts, outfitting their horses in jingle-bell harnesses, and slipping records of Christmas music into their jukeboxes.

Olivia and Axel were on their way to the local bakery to pick up some "supplies." Olivia was keeping the exact identity of those supplies a secret, wanting it to be a surprise. Whenever Axel asked what she planned on buying, she claimed she couldn't hear him through the scarf wrapped around her face because it covered her ears. They entered the bakery, which smelled deliciously of cinnamon and apple cider. Olivia bought basic baking stuff, the usual flour and eggs and sugar and whatnot, as well as some ginger, nutmeg, frosting mix, and of course several cans of sprinkles. She tasked Axel with carrying the stuff back to her house, and he struggled to balance it all in his arms.

"Didn't you have any of this stuff at home?" he complained as they walked back down the sidewalk. "What are we baking, anyway?"

"What do you mean, 'we'? I thought you didn't like to bake."

"I don't. You'd better not make me help."

"Can you at least help with frosting them? I can't do everything at once."

"Hmph. Fine."

Once they got to Olivia's house, they unpacked the supplies, and Olivia went to work, baking like a pro. Axel watched in wonder as she effortlessly threw perfect measures of flour and sugar into one bowl and the eggs and milk and butter in another, then whisked them together into a dough of flawless consistency.

As she scooped geometrically perfect spheres of dough from the bowl and squashed them onto a cookie sheet, Axel asked, "Oh. Can I lick the bowl?"

"No. You'll get salmonella," Olivia replied, and then slid the sheet into the preheated furnace.

"People exaggerate the risk," Axel grumped. "I mean, mayonnaise is freaking raw egg. I've had homemade mayonnaise and I was fine!" *****

"Wait." Olivia paused her marvelous baking. "Mayonnaise is made from raw eggs? And you can eat it and be fine?"

"Yeah."

She gaped. "My life is a lie! I've been missing out for years!"

 ***public service announcement: regardless, tealempress does not really advise eating raw eggs**

"You haven't lived until you've eaten my mom's homemade mayo," Axel gushed. "I like to spread it on bread and I eat slice after slice after slice...ahhh, good stuff and...hey, do you smell something burning?"

"My cookies!" Olivia squealed, and then dove to rescue her cookies from the flames. After donning a pair of large pink oven mitts, she pulled a platter of slightly overcooked sugar cookies from the furnace. Axel reached for one, but Olivia swatted his hand away.

"They're not cooled yet. Why don't you make yourself useful and put on my Christmas music record while they cool?"

Axel gasped.

"What? Did I offend somehow?"

"You used the U-word! Jessie told me all about PAMA. You heard it too! You can't use the U-word!

"What in the world is the u-word...oh, I get it. Ahem. Why don't you make yourself _helpful_ and put on my Christmas music record?"

"Okay." Axel ambled into Olivia's living room and rummaged through her records. Olivia heard a clicking noise, and soon songs about silver bells and little drummer boys wove through her house.

"I've got all the classics on record," she said.

"Classics." Axel rejoined her in the kitchen. "Are the cookies cooled now?"

"Try one and see."

He picked one up and almost ate it until she stopped him.

"Waitwaitwait. I meant _touch_ one to see if it was still hot."

"Why won't you let me eat one?"

"You have to frost Christmas cookies first. Haven't you ever made them before?"

"Fine." Axel picked up a spread knife and begrudgingly started frosting the cookies with the icing Olivia had prepared. "Can I eat them when we're done?"

"Yes, Axel. When we're done, you can have your cookies."

Olivia started whipping together a new batch of cookies. She used nutmeg, ginger, and cinnamon this time. Instead of a pale ivory-colored dough, this one was more of the color of polished wood.

"What kind of cookie is that?"

"Gingerbread," Olivia replied. "One of my favorites."

"The cookies shaped like little people?"

"Yes, I was planning on making gingerbread men. Do me a favor and get my cookie cutters out of that drawer." She pointed at it with her foot, while pulling out clumps of dough from the bowl and rolling them onto the cookie sheet in a big, flat mass. Axel handed her the person-shaped cookie cutter, and she went to town cutting out gingerbread man shapes.

"I think it's kinda morbid that we make them in the shape of people and then eat them," Axel observed as Olivia cut out the cookies.

Olivia sighed and peeled away the extra dough. "They're _cookies,_ Axel."

"I'm just sayin'."

Olivia just shook her head and stuck the cookie sheet in the oven.

"I suppose you're gonna make me do another chore while they're baking."

Just then, the record in the living room started skipping.

" _We wish you a merry-Wish you a-Wish, Wish, Wish, Wish…"_

"Yep. Be a big help and fix the record, will you?"

Axel groaned and excused himself to the living room to go fix it. Olivia checked how much flour and sugar she had left. She also checked out the window. The snow had stopped and the sun was shining, so the freshly-fallen snowbanks glittered in the light.

"Oh, that's pretty. I'll have to put up my Christmas tree later today," she commented after she donned her oven mitts again and retrieved the cookie sheet from the furnace. She whistled for her friend to rejoin her.

Axel returned once more to the kitchen and dutifully set about frosting the cookies. Olivia didn't pay him much mind as she wiped the kitchen counters clean and hummed along to her Christmas music.

Just then, she heard a bizarre conversation in his corner of the kitchen.

" _Oh, Jerome, it hurts to know that you've been cheating on me with Andrea, but what hurts even more is that you've been hiding it from me for so long."_ It was Axel all right, but it was Axel talking in a ridiculous falsetto.

 _"I'm sorry, Idina. I was wrong to do that. I promise to never keep secrets from you again."_ This time, he said it in a goofy deep voice.

And again with the falsetto. _"But Jerome! You didn't promise that you won't cheat on me anymore."_

 _"That's because I'm considering a divorce."_

 _"Gasp! How can you do that to me? And when I'm in the hospital with pneumonia, also!"_

"Ahem." Olivia approached Axel and saw that he was holding two gingerbread cookies, decorated to look like a man and a woman, and was waving them around as if they were talking to each other. "What are you doing?"

"Uhh. Nothing." He tried to hide the cookies behind his back.

"You've been listening to those afternoon radio dramas again, haven't you?"

Gee, with all that excitement, could eating those cookies possibly be as fun as making them?

* * *

Ivor didn't want to admit that he was responsible for the winter weather. He'd mixed up a freezing potion by mistake when he used compressed ice instead of regular ice in what was intended to be a totally different potion. Harper thought that the cloudy white potion sitting on the counter was just dirty water and dumped it out on the grass outside. When Ivor realized what had happened, it was too late. The potion evaporated and seeded the clouds, spurring an onrush of snow and cold. He'd called himself a lot of mean names when he saw the snow falling outside last night.

Today he walked down the sidewalk with Harper, both of them weaving scarves and shivering. Neither one of them cared much for cold weather. Harper tried to put a happy spin on the situation.

"Don't feel so bad, Ivor," Harper soothed. "It will only last a few days, and look! People seem to be enjoying it anyway."

She beckoned to a park close by, where a group of kids built snowmen and were mystified by the frozen fountain. A horse clad in jingle bells passed them on the road, followed by a stubborn donkey being led by a girl in a blue costume robe.

"Come _on_ , Dominic!" the girl said to the donkey, pulling on its lead rope. "We're gonna be late for the Nativity play!"

Harper chuckled at the sight.

"I suppose, but I should have been more careful with my potions," Ivor said. "Next time, I'll dispose of the potions right away and not leave them out."

"That's partly my fault," Harper admitted. "I should've asked before dumping it out."

"I don't know why everyone wants to celebrate Christmas all of a sudden, though. Why, it's not for another six months!"

"People saw the snow and figured they might as well get into the holiday spirit."

"I dislike holiday parties," Ivor said. "They're always so noisy, and the small children run around the house and leave their toys on the floor. I prefer celebrating at home."

"Sounds like you've only been to family parties. You've never had a Christmas party with your friends?"

"No."

"This year could be a good time to start. Do you want to invite Jessie, Lukas, Petra, and the others?"

"I don't think I should," he replied. "I think that my kids-I mean, friends, will want to do their own thing. I don't even know _how_ to throw a Christmas party."

"You called them your kids."

"No, I didn't."

"You did. I heard it with my own ears."

"They're friends to me. Nothing more. No familial affection. You must have misheard me."

Harper grinned mischievously at him. "Sure, Ivor."

"Since my ki- _friends_ will be doing their own thing, let's just celebrate as a couple. We could go out to dinner. I'd like to go out on a nice dinner."

"Ivor...are you asking me out on a date?"

He blushed. "Uh…This is making me very uncomfortable."

"It doesn't have to be. Let's go. I'm a wee bit hungry already. We can go out to a diner so we don't have to cook anything. Did I ever tell you that I loathe cooking?"

"No, I don't think you did." Personally, Ivor actually enjoyed cooking. It was vestigial from his potion-brewing habits. It started with soups and tasty drinks, and then escalated to more elaborate cooking. But he was a little embarrassed about his hobby, so he kept it a secret.

"Where do you want to go?" Harper asked.

He shrugged. "Whatever is your favorite place, I guess."

Harper didn't reveal the identity of her preferred place, but rather just motioned for him to follow her. Which he did. Off they went through the snowbound streets. Life was looking pretty good until a group of rogue Christmas carolers saw them.

"Psst! Adorable old couple at 3-o-clock!" the leader hissed to his compatriots. "Let's get 'im, boys. Classics, in barbershop quartet style. Do it for the figgy pudding."

"Roger that, boss!" The group of Christmas carolers chased after Ivor and Harper, stealthily sneaking around buildings and somersaulting through alleys. They waited until the couple paused to cross a street, then attacked.

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"What in the world…?" Ivor didn't know what to make of the sweater-clad youngsters who had suddenly sprung out and surrounded them. He reached for a harming potion strung on his belt.

"Ivor, I'm scared." Harper held his hand. "Are these bandits?"

The guys started singing. " _We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year_."

"No, worse. They're Christmas carolers. Back, you hooligans!"

Harper cried out in distress. "Augh! They're gonna assault us with horrible singing!"

"Back! Back, you hideous things!" Ivor scooped some snow off the ground, made a snowball, and threw it in the tenor singer's face.

"Oof!" he yelped.

"Omgosh! Ted, are you okay?" The other guy stopped singing and gathered around the tenor to help him. Ivor and Harper took advantage of the distraction to flee.

"Can't you run any faster?" she asked as they ran down the sidewalk.

"Bad knees!" Ivor huffed and puffed. "And old age. I never liked running very much."

The carolers were inconvenienced but not deterred by losing their tenor to a snowball to the face. They sat "Ted" down on a bench, gave him a cup of hot chocolate, and told him to sit tight while they tracked down Ivor and Harper again. They called in reinforcements to get another tenor and took up the chase again. They followed the old couple's footprints in the snow.

"They went this way!" the bass bellowed. "If we split up, we can cut them off at the city park."

"Roger!"

"My name is Phil, not Rodger."

Ivor and Harper had to stop to catch their breath. They halted outside the City Park. A ramshackle stable had been built on the greens and some kids in costume robes attempted to herd a couple sheep and a donkey into position.

"Aww, the kids are doing a Nativity play," Harper cooed. "That's so cute."

"Did we lose the carolers?" Ivor asked, looking around.

Nope. The much more agile youngsters had caught up to the old couple. They came in from all sides and rushed in for the attack. Ivor and Harper were surrounded again. Harper glommed on to Ivor's hand once more.

"They're baaack!"

"Okay, boys!" the leader barked. "We've got competition from those kids with their play. We gotta out-sing them. Ahem. And a one, two, three, four-"

The guys broke out into song again. _"Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go-"_

"We've got a place to go!" Ivor shouted. "And that's away from here. Away from you crazies!"

"Leave us alone!" Harper yelled at them as Ivor took her hand and helped her run away from the carolers again.

"All I wanted was to just have some peace and quiet on Christmas," Ivor lamented as they fled from their bizarre tormentors.

"Same. Ditto."

They rounded a bend. Harper got excited when she saw a red-brick building with a roof that looked like a pancake.

"Oh! That's the place I was trying to bring you to," she explained. "Quick, let's go in and get our food before those stupid kids find us again."

"That is an ideal plan," Ivor replied.

They went up the hill and scurried into the diner. Ducking behind the glass windows, they watched the carolers careen out to the foot of the hill, look around in confusion, and then seem to argue amongst themselves. Ivor backed away from the wall and sighed in relief.

"I think we lost them."

"Good. Let's get something to eat."

About ten minutes later, they were nicely seated at a booth and had the daily special set out in front of them. The details of that aren't really significant, but they were having a good time. After the chaos suffered at the hands of renegade carolers, it was nice to wind down and have some nice hot food. They chatted a little about ideas and inventions. The day was looking all right after all when suddenly, the diner door burst open.

The teenagers barged into the diner, flashing sheet music at the patrons as if it was a weapon. "Okay. Can anyone tell us where an adorable old couple ran? A guy in a robe and a woman in a brown hood?"

Everyone in the diner pointed at Ivor and Harper's booth.

"Traitors!" Ivor snapped at them.

The carolers stomped up to the booth.

"What do you people want with us?" Harper was incredulous. "What did we do to you?"

"We're going to spread Christmas joy by singing to you, and you're gonna like it!" the leader declared.

"Help us," Ivor said, facepalming.

"I think we've found just the right song," he continued. "Ready, boys?"

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"Oh…"

"Please don't," Harper pleaded.

They ignored her. " _Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't care about those presents underneath the Christmas tree…"_

Ivor groaned and facedesked.

Harper prodded his shoulder gingerly. "Ivor? Are you okay, sweetie?"

He sighed. "Next year, let's just have Christmas with the kids."

* * *

Even though Lukas had said not to bring anything, Jessie wanted to be polite to his family, so she brought a tin of pretzels shaped like reindeer and bells. She was a little nervous, because she'd never met Lukas's family before and wanted to make a good impression. She had stressed for about an hour earlier, wondering what to wear and how to act around his relatives. Should she act as tactful and refined as possible, or was that faking who she was? What was too casual, and what was too formal? In the end, she decided to wear a nice sweater (not one of those novelty sweaters), a long skirt and tights, and some sensible boots. She did, however, bring a change of more comfortable clothes with her, just in case.

The party was being held at his mother's house, in a town up north called Spruce Mountain. Lukas was forced to head up early to help set up and cook things for the dinner, so she had to travel there herself. Luckily the snow had stopped falling, so her mule ride to Spruce Mountain was relatively calm. He gave her a slip of paper with the house address written on it before he left, and she kept checking it all the way to the house. It was on the rural outskirts of the city, as it was (believe it or not) a llama ranch on a hill. Picturesque, definitely, but a little weird. She parked her mule in a paddock at the foot of the hill and went up the path to the house, avoiding flying gobs of llama spit as she did so.

"Ugh. Who'd want to raise llamas for a living?" she muttered. "They're so sassy."

She stamped the snow off her boots and rapped on the door (no doorbell.) She accidentally knocked the wreath off the door when she did so. She hastily put it back on before the door was opened by a ginger-haired kid no older than ten.

"Who are you, lady?" he asked, giving her a funny look.

"I'm Lukas's friend," she explained. "Are you his little brother? I didn't know he had a brother."

"Uh-uh. Cousin."

"Okay."

Suddenly the kid looked over his shoulder and shouted, "LUKAS, GET OVER HERE! Some lady is here to see you!"

"Some lady? Teddy, what are you talking about…" Lukas stumbled up to the door. "Oh. Hi, Jessie! Glad you could make it. Uh, the llamas didn't spit on you, did they?"

"Nope. I'm okay." She looked him up and down. "What happened?"

Instead of his usual leather jacket, he was wearing a bagged-out shirt that said "donuts are awesome" on it. It had gravy spots on it, and he had mayonnaise smeared on his hands.

"We were just finishing up with making the dinner," he explained. "Mom told me to wear a shirt I hate in case it got messy. And man, did it get messy. Anyway, come inside. Don't stand in the cold."

Jessie stepped inside and brushed snow off her clothes, then set her baggage on the floor. She slipped out of her boots.

"I know you said not to bring anything, but I didn't want to be rude, so I brought this goofy tin of pretzels."

"Oh, that's fine. Yeah, that should be okay."

"Lukey, honey!" a loud woman called from the kitchen. "Come back in the kitchen and finish the potato salad!"

"Sorry, Mom!" he yelled back. "Jessie just got here. I told you she was coming, right?"

"Yes, yes! You also told me you were gonna help me make the potato salad!"

"All five bucketfuls of it," he muttered under his breath. "Excuse me for a moment, Jess. Why don't you visit with my other relatives while I'm busy with that?"

He darted back to the kitchen. Everyone present was either blonde or ginger-haired, so Jessie felt like a bit of a standout. Teddy, his cousin, had wandered off to do his own thing. The women were playing a very aggressive game of group solitaire on a card table. Most of the men were talking about either hunting or which team was going to do better in Spleef this season. Jessie was at a loss as to whom she should talk to, since they already seemed occupied.

An elderly woman in a pink flowery dress suddenly walked up to her and patted her on the back. "So! You're this Jessie that Lukas is always talking about."

"Uh, yes," Jessie replied. "Are you…?"

"You can call me Gramma Ethel," she chirped. "Matriarch of this splendid family. Three generations gathered under one roof! Ah. It's lovely. Christmas is the best time of the year, no?"

"My favorite holiday!" Jessie said, nodding. "Next up is Hallowe'en, but Christmas is definitely my favorite."

"It's good I finally have a face to put the name 'Jessie' on. Lukas talks about you a lot. He seems fond of you."

"He does?"

"Oh, yes! Says nothing but good stuff about you. Now, you're the leader of this club you call the..what is it...New Order of the Rock?"

"Order of the Stone," Jessie corrected. "Yep, I'm the leader. We fight evil and hunt for treasure. We've defeated the Wither Storm, traveled to other worlds…"

"That sounds delightful. You young people are always doing such amazing things. Nowadays, the only thing I have to be proud about is my summer vegetable garden. Speaking of, goodness! I hope this sudden snowy weather won't hurt it."

"I have no idea why the snow happened," Jessie said. "It's weird, very weird."

"We may as well enjoy it while it's here," she said. "And we're glad you could join us. You seem like a very good and nice young woman. Would you like to play Solitaire with the other ladies?"

Jessie glanced over at the card game.

"EIGHT OF SPADES!" An aunt whipped a card down the table.

"Darn it! I was gonna put mine down!" another complained to her.

"Too slow, honey fingers!" the first shot back.

Jessie bit her lip. "Seems kinda...heated."

"Oh, they're always like that," Ethel replied, waving a hand at them. "You should see them if someone gets caught cheating. My, oh my. They act like you've committed murder."

"I'm gonna pass, if that's okay."

Ethel shrugged. "Fair enough, I suppose. If you change your mind, let me know."

"Dinner in half an hour!" Lukas's mother shouted from the kitchen. "Be ready!"

"Okaaay!" everyone yelled back.

"Say, has Lukas introduced you to his mother yet?" Ethel inquired of Jessie.

Jessie shook her head.

"Oh, you should go talk to her right now, then. She is _very_ excited to know that her son finally has a girlfriend."

Jessie groaned. "Oh, goody."

"Go on, don't be shy." Ethel motioned for her to go forward. "And just so you know, I have your back. You're fine in my book. Don't forget-I'm _her_ mother."

"Thanks." Jessie chuckled a little.

Turns out, Jessie didn't have to go into the kitchen, because Lukas's mother came bursting out of it anyway. She was a tall, stout-bodied woman dressed in the most stereotypical "apron matron" outfit imaginable, complete with her blond hair done up in a bun. She looked like she had marched out of an old German storybook. She pulled Lukas along by the arm.

"You must show her to me," she was telling him as she dragged him out of the kitchen.

"And, uh, that's Jessie," Lukas said, pointing at his friend. "She's very nice and brave. A really good friend."

"Ah, so this is this Jessie you've been talking about." His mom let go of his arm and beamed at the sight of Jessie. "What a fine specimen of woman!"

"Uh, sure, Mom," he stammered, then to himself he muttered, "Don't call my girlfriend a specimen."

"Hello…"Jessie said shyly.

"And hello to you! I'm Edna." She wouldn't stop smiling. "Of course, Lukas knows not to call me Edna."

"I know," he sighed. "Ma, please don't embarrass me."

"I'd never embarrass you, Son," she said. "How can I embarrass you when you've made me so proud?"

He looked at her quizzically. "How did I make you proud?"

"Ach! I'm so proud of you, Son! After years of being pathetically shy around girls, you've gone and finally fetched yourself a wife! Expanding our glorious family!"

Lukas's face went cherry red. "Mom, Jessie is my _girlfriend_. We haven't even started thinking about that yet."

Jessie shifted from foot to foot. The awkwardness of the conversation was palpable.

"Well, why not?" Edna snapped.

"Jessie and I have only been dating for a year. It's a little soon to be getting married."

"A year?" she scoffed. "That's long enough! I want grandchildren!"

Jessie didn't think it was possible for Lukas's face to get any more red, but it did. "MOM!"

Jessie was blushing, too. "Lukas?"

"Someday, Mom," Lukas promised. "When I'm sure that it's the right time and everything. You want me to be happy, right?"

"I want you to be happy _and_ I want grandchildren," Edna insisted. "You can propose to her tonight with my extra ruby ring and then you can get her a real wedding band later. Don't forget to invite your cousins to the wedding."

"MOM!" Lukas looked like he was about to keel over from embarrassment.

Then she pinched her son's ear. "When the first baby is on the way, you have to let me know before anyone else."

That did it. Lukas fainted right on the kitchen floor. Luckily, Jessie dove in and caught him before he hit his head on the tiles, but he was still out for the count. She knelt on the ground and fanned her fallen beau with a piece of paper.

"Now why did he faint? All I said was that I wanted grandchildren," Edna muttered.

"I guess mentioning the 'first baby' was taking it too far." Jessie picked up Lukas's ankles, then rethought it. "Mrs. Edna? Would you mind giving me a hand? We should lay Lukas down somewhere until he comes to again."

"All right." Edna shooed Jessie away from her son, then picked him right up in her arms. Jessie supposed it made sense; after all, Lukas was pretty skinny and his mom had the arms of a weight lifter, so it wasn't any trouble to lift him. She carried him out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Jessie followed at her heels.

"We'll take him to his old room," she said, then turned into a boy's bedroom on the left of the hallway. It smelled a bit musty, as if it hadn't been lived in for a long time. Which it hadn't. Even though Lukas had moved out into his own house, Edna had faithfully kept his old belongings in his room. There were still theatre posters on the blue walls, glow stars stuck on the ceiling, and books strewn across the floor.

"Clear off his bed," Edna instructed.

Jessie removed a knitted blanket and an ocelot plushy from on top of the bed, then fluffed the pillow. Edna laid Lukas down on the bed and stroked his hair. Jessie draped the blanket over him and tucked the ocelot under his arm.

Edna shook her head. "He's nineteen years old and he still likes his baby blanket and ocelot plushy. They never do grow up, do they?"

"How long is he going to be out?" Jessie wondered.

"No idea. I still have to set the table for dinner. Can you keep an eye on him until he wakes up? Splash him with water if you have to." She exited.

Jessie sighed. Of course it would be too much to expect the Christmas party to go along normally. Why did weird stuff like this always happen to her? She went into the hall and got a cup of water from the w.c, then carried it into Lukas's room. Then she dumped the water on his head.

Lukas came to immediately and sat up, choking and spitting. "Gah! What happened?"

"You fainted," Jessie said. She sat next to him.

"I did? When?"

"A couple minutes ago."

"Why'd I faint?"

"Oh, your mom was embarrassing you. Like, really badly. She wants you to propose to me so she can have grandchildren."

Lukas buried his face in his pillow. "Augh! Why does she have to do that to me? This is as bad as when she played the accordion and yodeled last Christmas!"

Jessie didn't dare ask about that. "So she's always like that?"

"Yes. Yes, she is. I have way too many stories I could tell you, Jessie."

"I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas." Jessie looked down at the floor.

"What? No." Lukas threw his pillow back on the bed. "This isn't your fault at all. Don't say stuff like that."

"Well, she wouldn't have said it if I didn't come."

"Nope." Lukas put his finger on Jessie's lips, quieting her. "I'm glad you came. Besides, the party just started. It's gonna get better from here on out."

"Hey, you're right. And it's gonna start with this." She turned to face him.

"With what?"

She grinned mischievously. "Give me a kiss, and I won't tell Petra about your baby blanket and ocelot plushy."

"You don't need to blackmail me for that, Jess." He obliged. They shared a quick kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Lukas. Even if it is in July."

"Merry Christmas, Jessie."


	10. TealEmpress is a Dork

**A/N: If I have to give an announcement, I might as well have fun with it.**

The readers of _Minecraft: Silly Mode_ are directed into a small auditorium and take their seats in the front row. The curtains cover the stage. Once everyone is settled, the lights dim. The curtains are pulled back, revealing nothing but a single standing microphone onstage. A spotlight is directed onto the microphone. An assortment of MCSM characters and Portal Party OCs meander onstage from right and left. They mutter and mumble amongst themselves, bickering about who should be the one to talk to the audience.

Jessie tells Lukas to talk to them because he's the fan favorite, but he claims that he has stage fright. Jessie tells him that's a bunch of bogus because his original character design was to be a theater nerd. After a few minutes of bickering, Lukas gives in and walks up to the microphone.

He taps on it. "Is this thing on?"

The audience says, "Yeah, it is."

"Okay." He then takes a half sheet of paper out of his pocket. "Hi, guys. It's me, Lukas, of course."

A couple fangirls in the audience scream in delight and shout "We love you, Lukas!"

He blushes. "Uh, thanks. Anyway-"

"Why aren't you wearing your gypsy costume from A Touch of Magic? We wanna see you shirtless again! That was HAWT!" one girl yells.

His face gets even redder. "You _guys_! Focus! Anyway...us characters are going to give you an announcement. It's from TealEmpress."

He pauses.

"What are you waiting for?" Jessie asks him.

He turns back to her. "Why are we reading this? How come Teal doesn't come onstage and read it herself?"

"Now's not the time to ask that. Just read the dang announcement."

"Okay, okay, fine. Ahem." Lukas read from the piece of paper: "Anyway, Teal wants to give the following announcement. She went on a week-long seminar last week and kinda sorta completely forgot to warn everyone that she was doing so. Typical Teal. Scatterbrained as heck. And while she was at that seminar, she didn't have any chance to write fanfiction. For that reason, the next update for her fanfics might be later than we'd like."

"Boo!" some people heckle from the audience.

"Well, don't come after me. You need to hash that one out with Teal. M'kay?"

"Okay, all right."

"Good. Was there anything else anyone wanted to say?"

"Lukas, you need to marry Jessie," one fan suggests.

Lukas starts to look a little lightheaded.

"Don't you dare faint again, Lukas!" Jessie warns him.

"Hey, what about that guest that said stuff about more Jetra and Luktra?" another person asks.

"Wait." Lukas squints at some small type on the margin of the paper. "Hang on, I can't read this. Can someone get me my reading glasses?"

Clockwürk, who is standing nearest to stage left, runs offstage and is gone for a minute or two. He returns holding a pair of pink glasses and gives them to Lukas. A few people in the audience chuckle at the unmanly pink glasses.

"Thanks." Lukas dons the reading glasses. "Hey, don't laugh at me. They only had one style with the lenses that have the magnification I need, and these are it. So anyway, the fine print here says…'And to the guest reviewer who complained about my shipping choices last chapter: Instead of that, how about I write what I want to write about? Because this is my hobby, not my job, and I don't have to obey the whims of faceless guest reviewers.' Wow. Salty. She must have been having a bad day."

"So I take it no Luktra then?" the same person asks.

"I wouldn't count on it."

"Darn."

"What about the Jetra?"

"She invokes the Twin Jesse AU for that one, and we don't have that Jesse with us right now. He's working on something else today. So does anyone else have questions?"

"What's Teal going to do about Season 2 coming out?" a rando asks.

Lukas takes off his glasses and slides them into his pocket. "Write fanfic about it, of course. First it needs to be released, though. July 11! How many of you are doing the countdown challenge?"

There's a show of hands.

"Nice! Be sure to stay on track. It starts on July 3rd."

The crowd cheers.

"Anyway, we're running out of time. We were only able to rent the theater for a little while. Thanks for listening, guys."

Suddenly Ivor runs from one end of the stage to another, waving his arms and just generally being Ivor.

"ADVENTUUUUUUUUURE!"


	11. Small Children!

**Since there was some confusion on the announcement from the last Silly Mode short: The countdown challenge is an event run by the fandom for submitting fanart and fanfiction to celebrate the upcoming Season 2. More information can be found on the June 22 post on Eric Stirpe's Tumblr blog.**

 **Jesse and Petra are on a trip to find a good place for Beacon Town (it was, uh, renamed from Stonebrook) to establish free building areas for its citizens. However, they find more than that. They also find a child left behind in the wilds, who needs their help. Unwittingly thrust into the roles of parents, Jesse and Petra must care for the kid until they can find a safe place for him to stay. How well can Petra and Jesse play the roles of Mom and Dad?**

 **...**

 **This ended up having more feels than funnies. It's still cute, though. At least I think it's cute. You reviewers be the judge of that.**

 _Jesse Used: Twin Jesse AU. Variant 2._

 _Timeline: After "A Journey's End," before "Hero in Residence"_

Jesse was still a little upset that Petra had declined his challenge to a horse race. Petra's justifications were 1) they were working, not playing, and didn't have time for a horse race and 2) they were riding mules, not horses.

"It's sorta the same thing," Jesse said as the mules trotted through the hills outside Beacon Town. "Just with mules. If I call it a mule race, then would you do it with me?"

"Ordinarily I like racing horses...or mules, I guess...but today's different, okay? This is an important assignment. Beacon Town ran out of space and now we need more open land for the people to build on. Once we find it, we'll connect the two areas with a road or a minecart track. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know that. No need to give me exposition. What did you have in mind? You know the outlands better than I do."

"I was thinking that a plains area by a forest would be really helpful. That's usually the most ideal place for a person to settle. That way, there will be plenty of wood supplies close by."

"We can't go too far."

"I know that. Okay, let's head right from here. I think the forest ends close to here, and then beyond that is a meadow."

"Hey, that was easy."

"I said I think so. Not that I know so."

"Same difference."

Petra rolled her eyes and took her bandanna off her head. The sun was hot today, and the heat made wearing it uncomfortable. She dabbed some sweat off her forehead with the bandanna and then stowed it in her pocket. At least they weren't wearing armor today. That would have made the heat unbearable. Since they were on a simple land surveying mission, armor wasn't necessary. She still didn't understand how Jesse could stand to wear a black shirt and long pants in this heat.

"Don't you get warm in that?" she asked him.

"In what?"

"Your clothes. I mean, long sleeves and long pants in this weather? How are you not fainting from heat exhaustion?"

The tan-skinned boy shrugged. "I have a high heat tolerance, I guess."

Abruptly, one of Jesse's suspenders snagged on a low-lying branch. It almost pulled him off his mule. He yelped and struggled to pull it free. Petra just watched him and laughed.

"Uh, a little help here?" he asked.

"No way! You don't need my help with that. You can fight a Witherstorm but you can't get free when your suspender snags on a tree branch? Don't be wimpy, Jesse."

Jesse freed his suspender from the branch, adjusted it, and gave Petra a Look. "Hmph."

"Being wimpy is Lukas's job!" Petra chuckled some more.

"That wasn't very nice. Lukas isn't wimpy."

"Mm, he's kind of wimpy. Remember when we blasted out of the fire world portal and his bum was on fire?"

"Okay, I'll admit, that wasn't one of his better moments. But I don't think it's fair to talk about him when he isn't around to speak for himself."

Petra sighed. "Sorry. Anyway, I think we're getting close."

They pushed through a line of trees, and sure enough, there is was. A healthy valley of green grass and pretty flowers stretched out before them. It was a level space reaching out to some distant hills.

"Oh, yeah," Jesse said. "That's perfect."

"You brought some place markers with us, right?"

Jesse looked at her blankly.

"Oh, no. Don't tell me. You forgot them? How else are we gonna keep track of where the road goes if we don't have markers?"

"I thought you were going to bring them."

"I don't remember that."

"Well, I don't remember you telling me to bring any markers."

Petra flicked the reins on her mule angrily. "Jesse!"

"I remember you saying that you were going to bring fences so we could mark where we were going. I remember that."

"I don't. I'm pretty sure you're making that up."

"Well, arguing isn't going to make them materialize here. Let's grab some material and build our own."

Petra conceded that it was a good idea. They dismounted their mules and tied the animals to a tree while they looked for something to use as place markers. Jesse found some tall, sturdy branches that had been ripped off the trees during a storm, figuring they would make excellent uprights. Petra had a ball of twine in her pocket, and she also found clumps of white wool from sheep wandering the area.

"I think this stuff will do," she said as they laid out the supplies on the ground. "Good thinking, Jesse."

"Thanks. So we're on the same page for the plan, right?"

"We sink the sticks into the ground, tie some wool at the top so they're more visible, and then string them together with the twine so they form a line. That will hold us until we can get an actual road built."

"Awesome sauce. Here, put 'er there." He raised his hand for a high-five.

Petra gave it a smack. "Sorry for arguing with you earlier."

"Eh, it was half my fault, kinda."

After they had assembled a good amount of marker poles, they spread out to start mapping out the route. Jesse also kicked up some dirt with his foot to make a better path on the ground. He hummed a fun tune to himself as he worked, feeling carefree. Life was looking good from here on out.

Tempting fate. He stood bolt upright when he heard bushes rustle. Jesse thought that it was too bright out, even in the woodland shade, for monsters to be out and about. Or was it? Maybe it was just an animal? He wasn't super sure, so he kept a close hand on his sword.

Petra was stringing twine between marker poles when she heard a startling scream. It was Jesse's high-pitched shout. She gasped, dropped her tools, and ran to go help him.

"Jesse! Are you OK? What's happened?" She had her gold sword out and looked around in a panic.

"He jumped out of the bush and scared me," Jesse panted, pointing. He was pointing at a little boy with mud on his face, who crouched on the ground a few feet away and looked innocent.

"You were scared by a little kid?" Petra perked an eyebrow at Jesse.

The boy was no older than eight. He wore a muddy T-shirt and shorts. Even though his skin was a bronze-brown, the little guy had bright green eyes. His hair was a mess, and he was a little stinky.

"Kid, what are you doing out here?" Petra was a little dumbfounded. "There isn't anyone around for quite a ways. Are you lost?"

"Kinda."

"What do you mean, 'kinda?'"

The kid shrugged. "They told me to stay by the campfire, but when they didn't come back after a whole day, I got hungry and antsy and started walking away."

"Who's 'they?' Your parents?"

"Yeah, mom and dad."

Petra growled and turned to Jesse. "What poor excuse for a parent does that to a kid?"

"We gotta help him," Jesse said. "Hey kid, what's your name?"

"I'm David," he said. "But I like being called Dave."

"Okay, Dave," Jesse said. "You know who we are, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Dave hopped up in excitement. "You're Jesse and Petra. I'm a big fan!"

"Cool! Petra and I are gonna help you, okay? You can't be out here alone. It's not safe."

"I'm going to give this poor kid's parents a real piece of my mind when we find them," Petra whispered to Jesse. "Ooh, that makes me so mad when people don't know how to parent."

"You say that like you're an expert yourself. When did you have a kid, that you would know?"

Petra blushed slightly. "That...wasn't what I meant. Uh, let's take Dave back to town and look for someplace that can help him. Do you know if there are any daycare centers in town?"

"Uh…" Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know."

"Well, you take him back to town. I'm going to find those so-called 'parents' of his and make sure they care for their kid from now on." Petra started leaving to fetch her mule.

Dave got upset when she tried to leave. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm going to, um, get my mule. I'm gonna look for your mom and dad, okay?"

"No!" Dave stomped his little foot on the ground. "Jesse! I want her to come with us."

Jesse looked at Petra for help.

Petra bit her lip. "Oh. Um...Kiddo, I need to find them. It's pretty important and…"

"But I like you, Petra." Dave scurried up to her and hugged her around the waist.

"Jesse! Help me!" she hissed.

"Can we keep him?" Jesse sounded like a kid himself.

Petra gave him. "Oh, all right. I'll come along. But then, after that, I'm going to look for your parents. Okay?"

"Okay," Dave said, even though he probably wasn't listening. "Yay!"

"Jesse, he's riding on your mule, m'kay?" Petra gently peeled Dave off herself and pushed him towards Jesse. "Okay, Davey. You ride with Jesse, okay? Don't worry, it's safe. He'll hold you steady."

"Riding with Jesse," Dave echoed.

"Good. Exactly."

"I wanna ask you

"Can I call you Mom, Petra?"

Petra blushed three shades of red. She looked up and saw Jesse smirking at her. She rolled her eyes at him and then decided to join in on the game.

"Um...Only if you call Jesse, Dad."

"Wait, what?" Jesse looked stunned.

Now it was Petra's turn to smirk. "He needs a father figure."

Dave walked between Petra and Jesse as they went back to retrieve the mules. He got excited when he saw the mules, because he must've liked animals.

"Can I pet them?" he asked.

Petra caught him before he ran at the mules and spooked them. "Whoa, be careful, Dave. Mules a little excitable. You could get hurt if you got them riled up. You can pet them later, or maybe on the ride back to town, okay?"

"Okay, mom."

Petra blinked, not used to being called "mom." That would take some getting used to. She sighed as she swung up into the saddle of her mule. Dave must have had a bad home life if he was willing to go with Petra and call her "mom" within such a short time of meeting her. Something told Petra he didn't have much of a good mother figure in his life. Jesse helped Dave climb into the saddle and made sure the kid was seated securely in his lap.

"I can't have him sit behind me, in case he falls off," he explained to Petra. "Hey, do you know if they make saddles with seat belts? He could really use a seatbelt."

"I don't think so, Jesse. Just hold on to him well when you turn. Say, do you have any food with you? The little guy's probably real hungry."

"Right. Right." Jesse rummaged around in his Pocket and came up with an apple and a cookie. "I brought some food with me."

"Give him the apple," Petra said.

"I want the cookie!" Dave insisted.

"Apple," Petra said.

"Why can't I have the cookie?"

"You should eat something nice and healthy."

Jesse tried to hold back his chuckles at the outbreak of a maternal instinct in Petra. Dave begrudgingly took the apple and nibbled it as they rode back to town. Dave chattered about kid's stuff the entire trip back, and when he wasn't talking about his favorite heroes or how much he wanted a puppy, he asked The Question that Every Parent Dreads.

"Are we there yet?"

Jesse sighed. "No."

"How about now?"

"Still no."

"Oh. Okay...Now?"

"Let's play a game, Dave," Petra suggested.

"A game?" Dave's expression brightened. "What kind of game?"

"It's called the Quiet Game."

"We're gonna see who can be quiet the longest," Jesse explained. "It will be fun!"

"Will there be a prize for who wins?"

"Um...Oh, I know. The winner gets the cookie," Petra said. Jesse looked betrayed, because he had been saving the cookie for himself.

"Oh, boy! The cookie!" Dave bounced in his seat a little.

"Ah-ah-ah. You have to be quiet, remember?"

Dave nodded, smiled, and made the zip-lips sign at Petra.

The ride was nice and quiet after that. They made their way back to town without a problem. Dave fell asleep in Jesse's lap. He rested his head adorably against Jesse's chest.

"Hey, the kid's asleep," Jesse said, patting Dave on the back. "Phew."

"Uh-oh, you lost the Quiet Game!" Petra teased.

"Well, so did you." Jesse winked.

"Okay. You find somewhere where the kid can stay. A church, a daycare, even an orphanage if you can find it. I'm going to head back to the woods and see if I can find his good-for-nothing parents."

"He's gonna be upset when he wakes up and mom isn't there," Jesse pointed out.

Petra froze. "D'oh! His real mom did that to him once already. I guess I can't let it happen again."

"That's right. You can't."

"Well, what am I supposed to do? The kid has to be with his real parents, even if they need to be taught a lesson on how to care for a kid first."

"Uh, Petra, there's something I wanted to tell you, but couldn't because Dave was listening." Jesse suddenly looked very serious.

Petra frowned. "What? Is something wrong?"

Jesse gulped. "Yesterday, I got reports that there had been an incident in the woods. That two campers went out too late at night, and the monsters got them. They'd been killed by creepers."

"Oh, no! You don't think…"

"Just the part of the woods where we found Dave. And he said his family had been camping."

"Oh, that poor kid...This is even worse."

"It's up to us to care for him now."

Petra sighed. "But we're not parents, Jesse. I don't know how to take care of a kid, and neither do you."

"We're going to have to learn it fast, then, because he needs someone to look after him for the time being." Jesse looked down at the sleeping kid in his lap. "Someone has to be Mom and Dad for him."

Just then, Dave woke up. He yawned adorably and stretched his arms.

"Are we there yet?" he mumbled.

"Actually, we are. Have a look." Jesse showed Dave the city. Dave gawked at the buildings and parks.

"Oh! Is this your hometown? It's super cool."

"It is pretty cool, isn't it? At first our name was Stonebrook, but then we changed it to Beacon Town. I didn't like Beacon Town as much but it wasn't really my decision and-"

"Uh, Mr. Historian?" Petra asked.

"Yeah, what is it?" Jesse glanced over at her.

"Dave's gone missing." She looked frightened.

Jesse looked down and gasped at his empty lap. "Oh my gosh! Where did he go? Did he fall out of the saddle? Did he run away?"

Jesse abruptly jumped out of the saddle and ran down the street, overturning garbage cans and checking in mailboxes in his frantic search.

"Jesse?" Petra ran after him.

"Not now, Petra," Jesse dismissed as he looked inside a chest full of random blocks.

"Jesse."

"I said not now! I have to find Dave!" Jesse tipped over a garbage can, spilling banana peels, old newspapers, and fish bones on the street.

" _JESSE!_ "

"What?" Jesse finally halted and glanced over his shoulder at Petra. He had garbage stains on his clothes and a hole-ridden sock on his head.

"You're not going to find our kid-I mean, the kid-by looking in garbage cans. Are you crazy? He wouldn't hide there."

"Well, where would he go, then?"

"Maybe we should follow that trail of dirty footprints he left." Petra glared pointedly at a line of child-sized footprints on the ground. They led towards a park.

"Are we really that boring that he wants to run away from us? I thought he liked us." Jesse sounded hurt. Petra ignored him and started following the trail. Jesse tagged close behind.

"You called him 'our' kid," Jesse commented as she hurried toward the park.

"No, I didn't." Petra pulled open the gates to the park and slipped inside.

"Yes, you did. I heard you."

"Does it really matter?" She scanned the greens and playground for any signs of a wayward kid.

"It matters a ton!" Jesse defended. "If I'm not crazy-"

"You're crazy."

"If I'm not _extra_ crazy, I'd think that you thought we made a swell pair of parents."

"How good a mom and a dad can we be if we lose our kid within a half hour of obtaining him? On the other hand, that was kind of your fault."

"My fault? How's it my fault?"

"You were so busy gabbing about boring junk that you didn't notice him walking away. A pretty impressive feat, considering that he was right in your lap."

"Yelling at me isn't going to help us find Dave."

"Maybe not, but it makes me feel better. You're a bad dad!"

"You take that back!"

"I'm going to make sure to warn all your fangirls who want to marry you. You'd be a terrible father!"

"I would not!"

"See, look! You're making us argue like an old married couple and we're not even dating."

"Who said we weren't dating?"

Petra smacked him.

"Ouch!"

"Stay focused! We have a kid to find."

They went over to the playground part of the park, figuring that was the best place to look for a kid who had gone off to do his own thing. Dave wasn't on the swings, monkey bars, or sandbox.

"Petra, I think we lost him," Jesse whimpered.

"Whee!" a little boy squealed suddenly. Dave popped out of the little compartment on top of the slide and careened down the chute. He whooped and cheered, then sighed in disappointment when his ride was over. Petra and Jesse stormed up to him and intercepted him at the bottom of the slide, crossing their arms.

"Uh-oh," Dave said.

"You're in trouble, young man," Petra said. "Why did you run away from us?"

"You gave us a real scare!" Jesse added. "I thought you fell out of the saddle and got hurt."

Dave looked down and twiddled his thumbs. "Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad."

"Don't scare us like that, okay?" Petra held his hand. "We just want to make sure you're safe."

They went back and retrieved the mules. Jesse hoisted Dave into the saddle. Then they set out on the streets again, this time with Jesse keeping a closer eye on his "son." The gentle bouncing of the mules made Dave feel tired. Jesse waited for the kid to nod off, then crept up to Petra.

"We can't keep him," Jesse whispered. "He likes us, but this isn't going to work out."

"I know." Petra chewed on her bottom lip. "I mean, we can't take him on adventures and stuff like that. We need to take him to the orphanage."

"He'll be really unhappy there."

"I _know_. But that's the best place for him now. We can cross our fingers and hope that someone adopts him soon."

"It's a shame we can't have him. He's a bit of trouble, but he's still a pretty good kid." Jesse ran his hand through the sleeping Dave's hair. "He's had a bit of a tough break lately."

It started to rain as they made their way to the orphanage. Darn empathetic environment. Being rained on didn't wake Dave up. He continued to snooze, resting his head on Jesse's chest.

The orphanage came into sight. It was true to cliche: gray, austere, and forlorn. It seemed to suck the life right out of its surroundings. Jesse shuddered as they approached.

"Do we really want to dump him off here? He's going to feel so betrayed."

"This is for his own good. We aren't the right people to raise him."

"He trusts us. Oh, I feel really conflicted, Petra."

"So do I. But we have to do this."

Unfortunately, Dave woke up as soon as they dismounted from the mules. Jesse carried him in his arms. Dave looked up at Jesse, over at the orphanage, up at Jesse again, and then his expression shifted from confused to betrayed.

He tried to squirm out of Jesse's hold. "Mom! Dad! Why are we...Don't take me to the orphanage! Oh, no! Did I do something wrong?"

"No. No, you're fine," Petra promised. "We're the ones who did something wrong. We took a responsibility we couldn't handle. I'm so sorry, Dave, but we can't care for you. Someone else will have to be your Mom and Dad."

Dave looked crushed. He was like a trampled flower. He must have been feeling numb, because he didn't resist after that.

"But...but I want Petra and Jesse to be Mom and Dad," he whimpered.

They went inside. The first room there was empty except for a small desk and a grumpy receptionist. She stared at them through ugly librarian-type glasses on a string.

"You look awful young to be having a child that old," she observed. "He might be eight years old. Neither of you seems any older than eighteen."

"This isn't our kid," Jesse said, narrowing his eyes at her. "His parents abandoned him. We found him. He's an orphan."

Dave snuggled closer to Jesse.

"We have space for him," the receptionist said. "Does he have a name?"

"David."

"And you're…?"

"I'm Jesse. She's Petra."

"Very well."

Dave sniffled, then started crying. "I don't want to go!"

"We're really love to keep him, but we can't." Petra shook her head. "We don't have the experience."

"You don't get experience until you have the kid," the receptionist said sourly. "Are you sure you want to leave him here? He looks awful unhappy. He seems to have taken a liking to you."

"You said you would be my Mom and Dad! You promised!" Dave sobbed.

"Ouch." Jesse put a hand on his heart.

"We really can't care for him. I hope that you can until he finds someone who will adopt him." Petra pulled off her bandanna and wrung it between her hands in her anxiety.

"All right. As you wish." The receptionist started filling out a form. Dave just about lost it then. He was a blubbering mess when Jesse set him down, such a blubbering mess that he just sat down on the floor and cried. The receptionist left her desk and scooped him up to take him to his dormitory. He resisted and clung to Jesse's leg.

"Come on, kid," she said, wrenching him away. Dave reached out desperately. Petra almost never cried, but she ended up having to use her bandanna as a hanky just then. She and Jesse hurried out of the orphanage before their hearts could break into even smaller pieces.

"It was the right thing to do," Petra insisted. "It was hard but we had to do it."

"Maybe."

They walked away with their hands in their pockets, muttering to themselves.

"Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around."

…

…

...

They turned around.

"Darn it, Jesse!" Petra said as they ran back to the orphanage. "We're going back and we're adopting that kid right now. I don't care how much it costs."

"Agreed." Jesse huffed and puffed, trying to keep up with her.

They did just that. Dave almost fainted from happiness when he found out they really were adopting him. They also did a lot of explaining to the other New Order members and checking out parenting books at the library. Needless to say, it was a massive dynamic shift in the group. Dave ended up being that one kid that everyone in the New Order needed to look after; Ivor found himself saddled with babysitter duty more often than he'd prefer. ("What? Now I have a grandkid to look after? Jesse, I don't know what you think sometimes." "Ivor, did you just call Dave your grandkid? That would mean that…" "That wasn't what I meant! I meant to say, um, a small child to look after. Yes, that was it." "Sure, Ivor.")

Apparently it takes a New Order to raise a child.

 **A/N: *sigh* And this is why I don't try to write stuff in one day. It's kinda confusing me, and I'm the author of it. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself…?**

 **David, son of Jesse? Does that sound familiar to anyone? ;)**


	12. Throwback Thursday

**I didn't start writing this on a Thursday and the chances are only 1/7 that you're reading it on a Thursday but whatever. The title fits the sentiment of the piece.**

 **Anyway, we're switching gears here and doing an Aiden-centric! Except it's Aiden as a kid, when he was less of a big stinking jerk. Yep. Let's turn back time a few years…**

 **Itty bitty 7-year-old Aiden is brought to daycare while his parents are at work. Today he decides that he will build a castle out of cardboard boxes and make himself the king of the daycare center. His line of logic is that if he's king, he gets to boss around the other kids. After all, Aiden loves being bossy. Yeah. Let's see how this turns out.**

 **This was inspired by a Kids Next Door episode (do you remember that? Awesome cartoon.) wherein there's a goofy kid on the beach who builds a huge sandcastle and declares himself king of the beach. Then he tries to get Numbuh Three to be his queen. Much funny drama ensues as the other KND members try to rescue her from King Sandy's clutches.**

Once upon a time in 2006…

Little Sprouts Daycare Centre promised "care day in and day out for each little sprout." Sprouts, of course, being small children. It was an obnoxiously cute place, a small pink building with flower beds in the front yard and kid's drawings in the windows. One little sprout, however, was upset about his visit to the daycare center. His mom had to practically drag him along to the daycare. He was babbling about how he didn't want to go and begged mom to let him come with her.

"Mo-om! I don't wanna go! I hate that place," he complained.

"Don't drag your feet on the ground like that, Aiden," his mom scolded. "Don't wear out your sneakers. Besides, you like Little Sprouts! You had fun the last time you were here."

"Why can't I come with you?" He stopped dragging his feet on the ground, but he was still resisting.

"I have to work, sweetheart, and there's no-one at home to watch you."

"What's that gotta do with it?"

"You're too young to be at home by yourself." She bent down and ruffled his hair.

Aiden pouted. "I'm big enough."

"No, you're not. Besides, you'll have more fun here than at home. Think of all the friends you get to make!"

"What if the kids are mean to me?"

"The grown-ups will look out for you," she reassured.

"But you'll be gone _forever!_ "

"You're just here for one day a week. And it's only for the afternoon. I'll be back at four to pick you up." Her work schedule forced Aiden's mom to bring him to daycare on Tuesday afternoons. Otherwise it just didn't work out. She held open the door for her son and shooed him inside. He begrudgingly went where he was directed. Aiden's mom checked him in at the counter and then walked him into the playroom where the other kids were.

At the sight of a gaggle of other children, Aiden yelped and hid behind his mom's legs. She sighed and pushed him into view again.

"Look, Aiden. Those kids are having a good time. You can, too." She knelt down and pointed across the room at a girl. "And, oh wow! Your friend Maya is here, too! Isn't that cool?"

Aiden gasped a little when he saw the little blue-eyed, brown-haired girl playing with stuffed animals by the building block box. Her hair was up in pigtails and she had some paint smeared on her cheeks.

"What 'bout Gill? Is he here, too?"

"I don't know. Maybe." Aiden's mom checked her watch. "Oop! I have to go. Have fun, sweetie!"

She gave him a hug and kissed him on the forehead before standing up and turning to leave. Aiden looked upset, but the daycare director intercepted and caught him before he could make a getaway.

"I don't want Mom to leave!" he complained as the director shooed him into the playroom.

"She'll be back, Aiden. Go play with the other kids. Make some new friends."

Aiden shuffled into the thick of the playroom. He was assaulted with the sight of brightly colored kid furniture, the smell of tempera paint, and the sound of talking, laughing kiddos. There was plenty of activity today...

A nerdy girl with big glasses huddled in a quiet corner by the bookshelf, reading a storybook about fairies. She cuddled her stuffed unicorn close to her as she read.

Two boys smeared finger paint on a giant sheet of white paper. Then they tried smearing finger paint on each other, until the director stepped in and scolded them.

One kid with brown hair, a striped sweater, and squinting eyes sat on top of a beanbag, telling an involved story about climbing up a mountain and falling into a world full of monsters.

A group of girls strutted around in silly-looking dresses and skirts from the giant box of dress-up clothes. They were playing House, and they argued about who was going to be the mom and who would be the sister or the aunt or whatever. The girl playing the little sister stole an unfortunate boy's Gabriel action figure and taunted him with it.

"Gimme that back! That's mine!" the boy complained. Aiden recognized his voice: it was Gill!

"Oh, yeah? I'm gonna keep your doll until you do what I want." She turned to her friend. "I saw it in a play once. They kidnapped this one guy's girlfriend and made him do stuff for them so he could have her back."

"It's not a doll!" Gill protested. "It's an action figure!"

"Well, if you want your _action figure_ back, you have to be dad when we play House. We need a dad."

Gill looked flabbergasted. "I don't want to be your dad!"

"Uh oh!" Aiden said. "I'm gonna help Gill."

He vaulted over a toy box and confronted the mean girls. "Give him his action figure back!"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Aiden flexed his nonexistent biceps. "Give it back and stop being mean to Gill or...or...or else!"

"Or else what?" She waved the toy in his face.

"Or…" Aiden looked around for inspiration. He saw a toy sheriff's badge sitting on the dress-up clothes pile. "Or...you're under arrest! Sheriff Aiden is gonna arrest you!"

"No! He's a cop!" Aiden was in character now, so the girls bought the act. "Okay, okay! Here's your dumb doll! Just don't arrest us, policeman."

They tossed the action figure at him and he caught it. He gave it back to Gill. He grabbed Gill by the arm and pulled him away from the girls.

"Good one, Aiden." Gill hugged his Gabriel action figure to his chest. "You're good with the pretending stuff."

"Thanks. Wanna play something with me and Maya?"

"Like what?"

Aiden shrugged. "I dunno. I kind of want to build something. I like building stuff."

"Ya. I like building stuff too."

Aiden glanced around the room and spotted a stack of cardboard boxes left out for the kids (after all, kids love cardboard boxes.) "Hey, look at those boxes! We could build something out of those."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Gill cheered. "Like, uh, a fort. Or a house."

"Or a _castle_!" Aiden's mouth was wide open in a big, goofy smile. "Castles are sooo cool! Oh man. Mom took me to see a play at my school's theater last month, and it was about a king and a princess and stuff, and oh man! You shoulda seen the awesome-sauce castle the king had. I wanted it! I want a castle."

"Yeah, let's build a castle."

So they did. The two boys rolled out the boxes and started building a splendid castle. They had a talent for building. Aiden ran over to the bins of craft stuff, got a scissors and some markers, and then walked back (no running with scissors.) He split apart one box and made the top part of the castle, cutting it into a balcony shape with windows and battlements. Then, he and Gill decorated the rest with the markers. They drew dragons, stars, comets, broadswords, and fire on the castle, as well as lots of random splotches of color. They stepped back to admire their handiwork when they were done, feeling really good about themselves.

"Wowie, Aiden! It looks so cool," Gill gushed.

"Yeah, and check this out! I can go inside." Aiden pushed through the "gate" of the castle (it was actually a pillow case draped over the "door.") He stood on a stool behind the castle so he could look out from the "balcony." He had a wonderful view of the playroom and surveyed it proudly.

Aiden thrust out his arms grandly. "I can be king!"

"How come you get to be king? I wanna be king."

"No, it was my idea."

"But I helped you build it."

"You can be my servant."

"No, that's dumb. I wanna be king, too."

"You can't have two kings, Gill. It doesn't work that way."

"Yeah huh. I want to be king, too."

"What about prince? Or duke? Those are pretty cool, too."

"But you have the most power."

"That's not true. I read in a book once that even the king had to listen to the bosses at church. The church was the boss of everyone in the Middle Ages."

"Can I be a priest, then?" Gill pleaded.

"Yeah, sure."

"Yay! I'm gonna put on a robe and preach at people!"

"Uh-huh, yeah, you do that." Aiden watched Gill leave to fulfill his priestly duties, then sighed in relief. "Cool. I get to be king, and I don't got to share it with nobody."

Then he was stumped, because he didn't know what to do. What does a king do all day? He needed to figure out what he wanted to tell people to do. Oh, but first he had to let them know he was king, right?

He pounded on the side of his castle and yelled at the other kids. "Hey everyone! Listen to me!"

Most of the kids turned and looked at him quizzically.

"My name is Aiden and I'm the king of the daycare now! See my awesome castle? That means I'm king! And the rest of you guys aren't king. That means you have to do what I say."

"Boo!" most of the other kids yelled. Someone threw a bean bag at Aiden.

He dodged it. "Uh...If you be my loyal subjects, I'll share my cookies with you at snack time!"

"Yay!" the kids cheered. "Okay!"

He figured that his snacktime cookies were a worthy sacrifice in order to have the other kids accept him as king of the daycare center. He put on a crown he snatched out of the dress-up box to seal the deal and mark his authority.

"For my first degree as king...uh...um…" He tried to think of what he wanted; he hadn't expected to get this far. "Um...Everyone who is mean to me or my friends has to go to the dungeon!"

"Where's the dungeon?" a girl asked, cuddling her fairy doll. "Is it a scary place?"

"The dungeon is where all the bad people have to go," Aiden said, and then he pointed at the daycare's time-out chair. "There. That's the dungeon. And I decree that the girls who stole Gill's action figure have to go to the dungeon for being mean to my friend."

"Oh, no!" the offending girls squealed. "Not the time-out!"

"I'm king!" Aiden beat his fist against the castle wall. "What I say goes! Guards! Take them to the dungeon."

Nobody actually knew who the guards were supposed to be, but some sporty boys decided to take up the role. They grabbed the offending girls by the arms and dragged them over to the time-out place, then sat them down on the little time-out bench.

"And stay there," they said. "Uh, please."

Meanwhile, Aiden watched it with delight, pleased that people were listening to him. And so far, the director hadn't come by and told him to knock it off, so that was another plus. He rubbed his hands together, trying to think of what else he wanted.

"And...And...Um...If I say I want someone's toy, they have to give it! I like stuffed ocelots. Someone bring me a stuffed ocelot!"

A boy and a girl, who had been playing with the stuffed animals, looked at each other and shrugged. Not wanting to make King Aiden angry, they wandered off to where the stuffed animals were, retrieved an ocelot, and brought it back to Aiden. He took it from them and happily hugged it to his chest.

"Aha! Perfect! I'm so happy. I have everything I want for now. Thanks."

"You're welcome," they said, doing awkward bows.

"Now shoo. I want to play with my ocelot." Aiden sent them away. He hunkered down inside his castle and played with the toys he'd hoarded inside. He built a house for his ocelot out of blocks and read it stories from his favorite storybook. After a little while, he realized that he was feeling very lonely. It was lonely at the top of the daycare hierarchy! Wondering how to solve this issue, he climbed to the "balcony" of his cardboard castle again and surveyed his kingdom. Most of the kids were playing exactly as they had been before he decreed himself king.

"How dare they ignore their king!" He shook his little fist. "I need to find a way to get their attention so I don't feel lonely again."

He twiddled his thumbs, thinking. He glanced over his domain again. He noticed a group of girls painting dragons on big sheets of paper. It gave him a splendid idea.

"I've got it," he said to himself. "I'm lonely because I need someone in the castle with me. Maybe I should have a queen to help me rule. Yeah. That could be cool. We could talk to each other and pretend my ocelot is the prince and stuff. And I'll have everyone's attention when I officially make her queen. I can make everyone attend! Ha!"

Just then, Gill came prancing back. He'd raided the dress-up clothes, so now he wore a too-big princess dress as his priestly robe. He held a large book under his arm. He'd even made one of those big cross necklaces that priests wear...out of paper and yarn. The other kids were giving him weird looks. Gill was all smiles as he looked up at Aiden.

"Gill?" Aiden scratched the back of his head. "What are you…You're taking it too far, Gill."

"You said to play the part. I'm playing the part! Look at my costume!"

"It's very...nice, Gill."

"So the priest can tell the king what to do, right?" Gill asked. "You promised that I could."

"Uh...Yeah, sure," Aiden stammered. "Anyway, shoo. I'm doing something important."

"What?"

"A king can't rule on his own. I want a queen to rule by my side. I'm trying to decide which girl to take as my queen."

Gill smirked.

"Don't look at me like that!"

"I know who you're gonna pick. You want Maya as your queen. You _like_ Maya."

Aiden's face turned cherry red. "Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"Noooo!"

"Yeaaaaaah!" Gill started prancing and shouting. "Aiden loves Maya! Aiden loves Maya! Aiden and Maya, sittin' in a tree-Owwie!"

Aiden threw a beanbag at Gill and whacked him right in the back of the head. Gill scampered away, whimpering. Aiden went back to surveying his kingdom to figure out which girl he wanted for his queen. He didn't want to admit it, but he really did like Maya.

"I gotta impress her," he said, pacing inside his castle. "How do I do that? Think, Aiden, think. Uh...Oh, I've got it. I gotta look my best. Put on some good clothes, uh, bring her a flower...yeah! That'll do! Perfect."

He raided the dress-up clothes again, putting on a goofy fake-fur cape, and then adjusted his crown. He practiced winsome smiles in the mirror and flexed his tiny biceps. He made cat growl noises at his reflection.

"Oh, yeah. Looking good."

Now for the flower. He glanced around the room, hoping to find potted plants he could pick flowers from, but there weren't any. Apparently potted plants were too much of a liability in a daycare center. There weren't even any fake flowers he could use! So he grabbed some paper and markers and _drew_ a flower for Maya instead. Once he had his "best look" and his flowers, he sauntered over to where Maya was.

Maya played checkers with a friend. Her pigtails bounced as she reached across the big checkerboard to move her piece.

"King me!" she declared, thumping the piece on the floor.

"Aw man!" her friend whined. "That's the third time you've won! I wanna win!"

"Ahem," Aiden said. He didn't clear his throat. He actually said the word "ahem" out loud. Maya looked up at him, annoyed that he was interrupting their game.

"You said 'king me!'" the friend gasped. "I bet you made King Aiden mad for saying that! He's the king!"

"No, I'm not mad at all," Aiden drawled. He suddenly bowed low in front of Maya. "Especially not to such a beautiful girl as you, Maya."

"I'm beautiful?" Maya's pudgy cheeks reddened.

" _The_ most beautiful!" Aiden took her by the hand. "And the most charming and intelligent girl. That is why...well, would you honor me by being my queen?"

"Oh! You want me to be queen?"

"Yes! Do you accept, my fair lady?"

"Maya, Aiden's being weird," her friend complained. "Don't listen to him."

"She has to listen to me!" Aiden snapped. "I'm the king, remember? I do what I want!"

Maya giggled. "Do I get to wear a crown?"

"Yes! The biggest, most beautiful crown you want!" He kept holding onto her hand. If he remembered right from the boring romantic scenes in the plays he watched, the lead couple always held hands. "Be my queen, _my darling!_ Uh!"

"I'm gonna be _queen_!" Maya gushed to her friend. "I'm gonna be queen!"

She and Aiden pranced away to the castle, hand in hand. They stood across from each other in front of it, still holding hands.

"Hey, everyone!" Aiden yelled at the other kids. "Come over here! I have something important to tell everyone!"

The kids begrudgingly left their toys and gathered in front of the castle.

"Okay, everybody, I'm king, and a king's gotta have a queen to help him rule, 'kay? So I'm gonna have Maya be queen. Maya's your queen, guys."

"Queen Maya," they said unenthusiastically. A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes?" He called on her.

"Does dis mean you're gonna mawwy her?" the little girl asked. "'Cuz don't da king and queen get mawwied?"

"Did someone say 'marry?'" Gill was on the scene in a second, standing before Aiden and Maya like the priest he was pretending to be. "I can wed this couple."

"Yay!" Aiden cheeered. "Okay, everyone has to watch this!"

A bunch of kids groaned in disappointment.

"It better not be a long wedding," one boy complained.

"Are you sure the priest guy has da legal qualifications to mawwy them?" the same little girl asked.

"Hold on a second," said an older girl. "Why is Gill wearing a dress."

"It's a robe!" Gill protested.

"It's a dress," the girl insisted. "You should take it off. Boys aren't supposed to wear dresses."

"That ain't true!" another boy said. "The preacher guys at church wear dresses like those right in front of everyone in church, and nobody don't yell at them for it."

Aiden was angry about the incidental discussions. " _As king, I order everyone to be quiet! This is my wedding!"_

"Sorry," said the other kids.

"Now, ahem." Gill opened up the book in his hand. It was actually a picture book about dogs, but he pretended it was a church book. "We are, um, here today to, uh, see the wedding of King Aiden and Queen Maya. Clap, please."

There was some obligatory applause.

"Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I think that now, um, they're supposed to say their vows and stuff. Hey, Aiden?"

"Yeah, Gill?"

"So do you want Maya to be your queen?"

"Uh-huh."

"And Maya?" Gill turned his attention to Maya.

"What is it, Gill?" she asked.

"Do you wanna marry Aiden?"

"Does it mean I get to be queen?"

"Uh-huh. At least I think it does."

"Okay, I'll marry him then."

"There you hear it, guys!" Gill waved his book. "So now that they've said their vows and stuff, oh wait. I think there's another part I have to say first. Um, what was it? ...Oh, yeah, that was it! So if anyone doesn't think these guys should get married, um, he or she gots to say it right now, or else they have to be quiet forever."

Right on cue, someone screamed, "I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD GET MARRIED!"

Every head in the crowd turned toward the source of the voice. It was another kid marching down the aisle. She wore a blue superhero cape and a fedora from the dress-up box. When she was within arm's reach of Aiden and Maya, she took off her hat to reveal her identity.

Aiden was livid. "Petra?! What are you doing? You're ruining my wedding!"

"Aiden, you're too young to be getting married." Petra looked down at him from her superior stature of nine years to his seven. "You need to call off this 'wedding' and leave Maya alone."

Maya giggled. "Oh, it's okay, Petra. We're just pretending."

Aiden looked livid again. "Pretending? We aren't pretending."

"I thought we were just playing a game of make-believe," Maya said, confused.

"This isn't make believe." Aiden stomped on the ground. "I'm king of the daycare, and you're gonna be my queen. Okay?"

"Whoa, not okay." Maya pulled her hands out of his hold. "That's just weird, Aiden. We can't really get married. At least not yet."

"Why not?" Aiden stomped his foot some more.

"You're too young, dummy," Petra said. "I just told you so. You can't _actually_ marry Maya, and you're not really king of the daycare. Everyone is just playing along."

"It's not a game!" Aiden insisted. "I'm kiiiiiiiing!"

"Fine!" Petra crossed her arms. "In that case, I'm declaring war on your kingdom."

"Whaaaat?" Aiden was flabbergasted that someone would dare oppose him. "You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. While you were busy ordering people around, I gathered an army of kids from the other room in the daycare center. We're going to defeat you in battle and take your kingdom away."

"No!" Aiden wailed. "Why are you being mean to me?"

"Because you're acting like a little power-hungry maniac," Petra responded. "Like, knock it off. It's really annoying."

Aiden looked at Petra, back at the kids, and then at Petra. "They look up to me as king. Hmph."

"So then you'll have to go to war with us." Petra flexed her biceps.

Aiden was so angry that he ripped off his cloak and crown. "Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

Just then and very anticlimatically, Aiden's mom arrived to pick him up. She calmly wandered into their midst, grabbed her son by the hand, and walked him towards the door. She had no idea of the melodrama that she had waded into (and unintentionally diffused.) Aiden walked in stunned silence for a minute or two. Then, as he and his mom walked down the sidewalk towards home, it sank in what just happened.

"Oh, wow," he said.

"Did you have a good day at daycare, honey?" his mom asked.

"Yep."

"What did you play?"

"Well, we played make believe and built some stuff with cardboard boxes." He left out the weirder bits of the day's events.

"Sounds fun! You were nice to the other kids, right?"

"Uhh...Right."

 **Hey, you!**

 **Yeah, you! Person reading my fanfic!**

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	13. Loopy Lukas

**When Lukas has an accident while on a mission with the New Order, he winds up in the hospital with a broken arm. The doctors set his broken bones while he's put under with anesthesia. He's all well and good, except now he's totally loopy from the meds and bound to say something embarrassing right in front of Jessie. Hilarity ensues.**

 _Timeline: After "A Block and a Hard Place," a short while before "Order Up!"_

 _Jesse: Fem!Jesse, variant 3 (Jessie)_

Figures that the one time Jessie didn't come along for a New Order mission would be the one time Lukas got hurt. She got a frantic visit from Olivia, who babbled about how Lukas had fallen off a wall and broke his arm. According to Olivia, Petra had to sling Lukas over her shoulder and run him to the hospital.

"You should have heard him scream when he got hurt," Olivia said. "Total volume warning. I don't think he's ever broken a bone before."

"How long ago did this happen?" Jessie asked, shaken up by the news.

"Pretty early this morning."

It was four in the afternoon at the time.

"Ga-ah! Why didn't you tell me sooner?! Is he okay?"

"Well, we didn't want you to be worried."

"That just makes me more worried, Olivia! Is he okay?"

"We got him to the hospital. The doctors have to set the bones in his arm. Might take some time."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Olivia! Is he okay?!"

"I think he's fine."

"You 'think' he's fine?"

"Well, if it bothers you that much, go visit him. He would probably want a visit from his girlfriend."

"Did you just call me his girlfriend?"

"That's what you are, right?"

Jessie could feel blush blooming on her cheeks. "Uh...Um...Well, I better go. No sense dilly-dallying. I need to go visit him, like, right this exact second. See you later! Bye!"

Jessie jumped off the porch and sped off towards town, leaving a confused Olivia on her doorstep.

"You're staaaaaaaaaalling!" Olivia shouted after Jessie. "You totally dodged that question!"

"Can't hear you! Sorry!" Jessie called back. She checked over her shoulder to make sure that Olivia hadn't followed her, then relaxed into a walk. Fortunately, it was a quiet day in town, so she didn't run into any mobs of fans on her way to her destination. She only encountered a handful of people asking for autographs and hugs. Jessie was too nice to turn anyone down, so she dutifully signed autographs for everyone who asked and didn't skimp on the hugs.

"Ah, finally," she said as she stopped outside the big white building. It had a small lawn in front of it. On the lawn, a sign in the shape of a green cross called the building the "BEACONTOWN HOSPITAL."

Jessie ducked inside and got hit with a wave of air-conditioning. It was at least twenty degrees cooler inside the hospital than outside. It was a no-nonsense, sterile building with white walls and white floor tiles and white glass windows. Jessie thought that the white help desk and white chairs in the waiting room were overdoing it. She approached the help desk gingerly. The man sitting behind the desk adjusted his glasses and ruffled through a pile of medical records.

"Excuse me," she said to him.

"Yes, what do you need." He looked up and recognized her. "Oh! It's Jessie. Hello! I'm a big fan, myself. What can I do for you?"

"I heard Lukas is at this hospital with a broken arm?" She leaned on the desk.

"Aye, that's true," said the guy. "Just brought in this morning, the poor lad. I hear he had an accident while on a mission. Don't you worry, young lady. They got him patched up just fine. Are you here to visit?"

"Yep. Is that all right?"

"That's fine. You can have a short visit." The man started writing down a record for Jessie's visit. "Poor lad had a rough time. I don't think he's ever broken a bone before. He cried a lot."

"Uh-huh."

"Anyway, he's in room 2129. Don't talk too loudly or stomp on the floor when you head upstairs. That disturbs the other patients. And one more thing-the doctors gave him sedative while they were setting his bones."

"What's the problem with that?"

"He might act a little, ah, unusual when you talk to him," the guy warned. "The sedative dulls the pain, but it also makes people act oddly when they come to. It's only temporary, but just be warned that he won't act normal when you visit him."

"Oh. All right."

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"No, no. Um, thanks for the warning. I better go." Jessie ran up the stai-

"No stomping!"

Err...Jessie walked up the stairs to the second floor of the hospital. She went down the hall, glancing left and right in search for the right room. It was a ten-minute-long search until she got in the range of numbers for 2129.

Finally, Jessie spotted the placard mounted on the wall next to the door. "Ah. Here it is. 2129, just like that guy said."

She didn't bother knocking on the door, because Lukas obviously couldn't answer it. Number one, he was still sleepy from his sedative, and number two, he was probably bedridden from needing to rest, anyway. Jessie pushed the door open and stepped inside.

The hospital room was fairly small, only big enough for one patient. One lamp was on, bathing the room in soft yellow light. Most of the medical equipment had been set aside. As Jessie expected, Lukas was propped up in his med-bed, half-asleep. His regular clothes were folded up and set on the nightstand. Instead, he wore the stupid blue T-shirt and shorts the hospital administered to every patient, as well a thick cast on his arm. He was sleeping with an ocelot plushie.

He looks cute when he sleeps, Jessie thought. Even when his arm's broken, ha-ha. Poor guy. But where did that ocelot come from?

Her answer came in the form of an opened cardboard box sitting on the nightstand. A sticker that said "Feel better, honey. Love, Mom" was stuck to the side. Ah. It was a present from his mom. Kinda childish, but Lukas seemed to like it. He snuggled it to his chest in his sleep and stroked its head.

"Hmm. Good kitty," he mumbled.

Jessie set the bow and box of cookies on the nightstand. "Hi, Lukas. How are you?"

Lukas rubbed his eyes and looked over at Jessie quizzically. "Oh, hey. Who are you? You look like Jessie."

"Uh...I am Jessie."

"You are?"

"Yes…"

"Oh. Hi, Jessie."

"Hi. Are you all right? How are you doing? Does anything hurt?"

Lukas casually glanced down at his arm and then started squealing in fright. Jessie almost jumped three feet in the air.

"What? What's the matter?" she demanded, panicking. "Are you hurting? I thought they set the bones-"

"JESSIE! JESSIE! A BIG WHITE CATERPILLAR IS TRYING TO EAT MY ARM! HELP! HELLLLLLP!"

"What the heck...a big white caterpillar? No. That's not a caterpillar. It's your cast."

"Then the cast is trying to eat my arm! Help! Pull it off!"

"Don't be silly. It's not trying to eat your arm. It's there to keep your bones in place so they heal. Remember? You broke your arm while on a mission with the New Order."

That helped calm him down. "Oh, the New Order. Axel and Olivia and Petra and Ivor and Jessie. They're cool. I like them."

"I like them, too. They're our friends."

"I have friends?!"

"Yes…"

He smiled a goofy grin. "Awesome! Oh, do I have a best friend?"

"I think you do, but you haven't said so."

"What about a girlfriend? Do I have a girlfriend?"

Jessie felt herself blushing all of a sudden. She dodged the question.

"That's a very cute stuffed ocelot you've got there. Is it cuddly?"

"Uh-huh. It is fluffy."

"I see your ma got it for you." She showed him the box. Lukas stared in wonder at the tag that said 'Feel better, honey.' Then he looked up at Jessie, gawking.

She squinted at him. "What?"

"I have a mom?"

"Erm...yes."

"Oh my gosh! I have a mom! I've always wanted a mom."

"Haven't you...Never mind." Jessie slicked back her hair. "Um, how do you feel?"

"With your hand, Jessie." He rubbed his hand on the blankets to demonstrate. "See, you touch something with your hand or foot or face and then you can feel how soft it is. Except some things are hard. And some things are rough and not nice to feel. Stuff that feels slimy is yucky, too."

"That wasn't what I meant. How do you feel? As in, are you hurting? Are you comfortable?"

"We should help Temmie pay for college," Lukas said randomly. "College is very important."

"Who's Temmie?"

"The little dog-bear thing in the underground," he yammered. "She won't give us armor unless we help her pay for college."

"What? Uh...Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not making much sense right now."

"I don't know how to make sense. But check out what I know how to make!" Lukas grabbed a piece of paper and crumpled it up. "See. It's a paper rock. Do you like my paper rock?"

"Fascinating," Jessie said.

Now Lukas had pulled the tag off the box and was looking at it again. "Mom gave me this note?"

"Yep. Just for you."

"It says 'feel better, honey.' So my name is Honey?" Lukas looked like he was going to cry. "What kind of mommy names her son Honey? That's so mean! Jessie, tell my mom that she can't name me Honey."

"What?" Jessie looked at him, dumbfounded. "Why do you think...No. Your name isn't Honey. It's Lukas."

"You're Lukas? I thought you said your name was Jessie. Or do you have two names?"

"I'm Jessie." She poked him in the chest. "You're Lukas."

"Not Honey?"

"Not Honey."

"Oh. Okay." He sat back in his bed happily and twiddled his thumbs. He made little 'meep' noises to himself for a minute or so, and then was quiet. Jessie didn't want to leave him alone, though, so she sat down on a nearby chair and got out a book. It was a childhood favorite of hers: The Wither of Oz.

"Whatcha reading?" Lukas asked after a short while.

Jessie glanced up from her book. "Oh. Um, the Wither of Oz."

"Aiden says that book's for babies."

"But you don't even hang out with Aiden anymore."

"Babies can't read. Why did he say that it's a baby book if babies can't read?"

"I don't know, Lukas."

"Are you secretly a baby?"

"No."

"You're not a person puppet being controlled by a baby?"

She sighed. "No."

"That's good to know. But sometimes I just gotta stop and think about something. Have you ever thought of it?"

"I don't' know." Jessie shrugged. "What is it?"

Making strange gestures with his hands, Lukas yammered, "Have you ever thought about how there's a skeleton inside you? Like, I know you know you have a skeleton. But you don't really think about it, do you? There's a skeleton made of bones inside you, moving and walking and doing the same things you do, all day long. I think that's really wild."

Jessie just sort of stared at Lukas for a long, uncomfortable moment. She slowly closed her book and put it away.

"Do you think about it?" Lukas demanded. He sounded hurt that Jessie hadn't said anything.

"Um, I...sometimes I do?" Jessie faltered.

Lukas started laughing hysterically for no reason. He guffawed for a little while before flopping down on the bed again, whisking the pillow out, and tossing it to himself in bed. He made a 'meep' noise to himself every time he caught it and muttered every time he dropped it. Jessie just sighed, then thought the display was funny and started giggling herself.

"Geez, what was in that sedative they gave him?" she wondered aloud.

When his laughing calmed down into a low giggle, Lukas motioned at Jessie. "Hey. Hey. Come here for a second."

Jessie cautiously approached him. "What is it?"

"I wanna tell you a secret." He yawned. "'Fore I fall asleep again. I'm tired."

"A secret?" Jessie gave him a puzzled look.

"Yeah, secret. Don't you want to hear it?"

Jessie was a little nervous about what she was about to hear, but took the bait anyway. "Okay. Fine. Let's hear it."

"Here, here." He leaned in close to her ear and whispered, "Jessie, I think you're beautiful."

Jessie felt her body temperature rise suddenly. "W-What?"

"And kind and smart n' all kinds of good stuff."

"Lukas…"

He smiled. "I love you."

"Oh my gosh. Shh. Shh! Stop saying those words!" She was frantic. Drat! What do you do when your crush is confessing his love for you while loopy from sedative? Is what he was saying even real?

"I hope you love me too." He half-closed his eyes, yawned again, and looked like he was about to fall asleep.

Jessie wasn't sure how to react. Here her crush was saying the things she always hoped he would say. But on the other hand...this seemed like one of those too-good-to-be-true moments.

"Wait a second." Jessie stepped back and folded her arms. "This isn't real. You're just saying that stuff because you're high on laughing gas."

At that moment, Lukas sat up in bed, smoothed his hair so it was less frazzled, and gave Jessie a knowing smile. "Gotcha!"

"What do you mean, gotcha?" Jessie glanced around nervously.

Lukas chuckled, back to his old self. "I felt my mind coming back to normal after the bit with talking about the book. I just did that other stuff to make you laugh."

"Well, dang! You're a good actor, then. I thought you were completely out of it."

"I was a theater kid when I was younger," he said. "That's where it comes from. Thanks. I wanted to give you a good laugh, because I knew you were worried."

"Okay, that was pretty funny. I admit it and-hey!" Jessie realized something. "If you were in your right mind that whole time, then that means...when you said that you, um, liked me…"

He winked.

Jessie felt a little lightheaded. "Lukas! Oh my gosh!"

"And just in case there's a misunderstanding-" He took a deep breath. "-I did NOT fall off a wall on purpose to break my arm just so I could have your attention. I swear, that was totally an accident."

"Okay. Fine. Seems like it would be a convoluted plan, anyway."

He burrowed down into his blankets. "You won't tell the others, will you?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Good. Thanks." He yawned again. "You should go before the hospital staff shooes you out. They don't like people visiting for too long. They think you'll interfere with my rest and respite period or something."

"Okay. Feel better, blondie. Nice talking to you." She started towards the door.

"Mmm-hmm. Same." He turned on his side and tossed his blanket over himself. "See you later, Jessie."

"Bye, Lukas." She shut the door softly, then braced herself against the wall. She looked one way down the hall, then down the other way, then glanced up at the ceiling and took a deep, excited breath.

"Squeeeeeeeeeee!"


	14. Preview

**Just for fun, have a preview of an upcoming Silly Mode short. This one might not come out for a while, because I have to make the "According To..." shorts for episodes 1 though 4 first. But you can laugh at this for now. Plain text is Aiden and italics are Gill.**

 **Episode 5, according to Aiden.**

Before you ask, everything that happened is Jesse's fault, okay? He's the bad guy in this story. I just wanted to be famous and heroic like him, but _nooo_ , he's got to hoard all the power for himself. Jesse is so selfish. If you ask him, it's all about him, day in and day out. He gets to do everything, and I just have to wallow in his shadow. I'm underappreciated and misjudged. I don't get to be the hero that I am.

I had my chance once. After we kicked Lukas out of the group for being such a dweeb, Maya, Gill, and I formed our own club. We got rid of the "Ocelots," the stupid name Lukas chose for us, and picked a way cooler name. Since we looked so hot in our leather jackets (especially me, I am very beautiful) we decided to call ourselves the—

 _BLAZE RODS!_

SHUT UP, GILL! THIS IS MY EPISODE, NOT YOURS!

So anyway, after renaming ourselves the Blaze Rods, we wanted to loot temples and stuff like that so we could find treasure. But _nooo_ , we couldn't, because _JESSE_ and his stupid friends had already been there and taken all the stuff. I hate it! He's so selfish! Have I mentioned how selfish Jesse is? I mean, the temples were totally cleaned out. There wasn't a speck of treasure to be found. It made me so mad.

 _Yeah, Aiden was really mad. He pouted for an entire day when that happe_ —

GILL! How am I gonna tell people about the episode when you keep interrupting me?

 _I dunno._

Shut up, Gill.

 _Okay, boss._

So anyway, before Gill interrupted me again, I was saying something about how I was mad. What was I mad about again? Oh, yeah, it was that stupid Jesse. So yeah, I was angry enough about Jesse being selfish that I decided to do something to finally get the upper hand again. I plotted and I planned and I finally came up with a genius idea! I'd get rid of Jesse for good! Ah-ha-ha!

 _That sounds like something a bad guy would do._

I'm not the bad guy. Jesse is.

 _Mmm...you so sure about that?_

Yes, I'm sure about it. Shut up, Gill! I get that I might look bad from a certain angle, but that's not my fault! It's not my fault the writers told the story from that angle for episode 5. They really should have consulted me. I think the story would be way better if they did.

 _Of course they told the story from Jesse's point of view, Aiden. Jesse is the main character._

Well, that's a bunch of bogus! I think I should have been the main character instead. I'm more interesting, and I'm cuter, too.

 _Well, yeah, I know you have a lot of fangirls, but you're only in, like, two episodes. You didn't even help defeat the Witherstorm._

That's not true! It's the player's choice whether to let me help defeat the Witherstorm. So there! I did help defeat it.

...Wait, I have fangirls?!

 _Mm-hmm. They think you're hot. And a bunch of them ship their OCs with you._

Hey now! Oh, man! I have fangirls. I'm popular again! I wonder if any of them are reading this. Okay, so if you are one of my fangirls and you're reading this, let me just say that you chose right, ladies! I am rather hot, aren't I? Rawr!

 _Ahem._

What?

 _Episode 5. Tell us what happened. We're losing airtime._

Oh, that. Right. So anyway, after I concocted my genius plan to defeat Jesse, I took action with it.

 _Your "genius" plan was just to follow Jesse around everywhere and pick on him. Like you had already been doing?_

Gill! What have I told you? You're supposed to be the dummkopf in the group. Act like it.

 _Oh. Sorry. Um, BLAZE RODS!_

GILL!

Let's see if I can finish this without Gill interrupting me again. I seriously doubt it, but eh, it's worth a shot. So the Blaze Rods and I tracked down Jesse on one of his expeditions with his stupid friends. Why? He stomps when he walks and leaves big footprints in the jungle moss. They went to a special temple in the jungle. They already beat us to the treasure, but instead of going home to mope like we usually do, I put my genius plan into motion instead.

When Jesse and his stupid friends came a-waddling out of the temple, I noticed with my excellent powers of noticing that he had a magic flint and steel. Like, I'd never seen anything like it before in my life! It was pretty and blue. When Jesse set a tree stump on fire with it, FWOOSH! Huge column of blue flames all the way up into the sky! I thought it was actually pretty cool, but I had to look tough in front of Jesse, so I pretended that it was just a silly toy.

I just wanted to see the thing for myself, but naturally Mr. Selfish McEgocentrist just had to keep it to himself. He wouldn't let me have it or even touch it. I was upset because we, the Blaze Rods, had been planning to go to a temple in the jungle and find something cool like that, so it should really have been ours. But of course the Order of the Jerks just had to find it first and steal our chance. Like how they steal EVERYTHING ELSE. Because they're selfish jerks, you know. Did I mention that they are selfish jerks?

 _Hey, Aiden._

What?! What do you want now, Gill?

 _This is running kind of long for a preview._

Oh. You really think so?

 _Yeah. Teal should really be working on that other Silly Mode short she wanted to do, not sitting here and writing down this stuff as you rant to her._

But I'm not in that short! I should get to be in Silly Mode shorts more often.

 _You starred in the "Throwback Thursday" one not that long ago._

That was different. That was seven-year-old me, so it doesn't show my true majesty. Besides, that one's no fun because I didn't get what I wanted in the end.

 _Dude, you tried to MARRY Maya. Both of you were way too young for that._

Oh, big words from you. You were presiding over the marriage and everything.

 _I knew it was just make-believe. You thought it was real._

I was young and foolish!

 _Yes, and now you're old and foolish._

GILL!

 **Uh...I should probably end the preview before those two nutcases kill each other. Stay tuned for more shorts!**


	15. Picnic

**The NOOTS go out for a team picnic to celebrate the last few days of summer. Will it go by without incident? Of course it won't. This is Silly Mode. But it will be fun to watch anyway.**

 **Just an FYI that I go back to school next week. Updates to all of my stories will be erratic.**

 _Timeline: Four years after "Journey's End," in an AU timeline where Season 2 doesn't happen. After "Christmas in July" and "Small Children!"_

 _Jesse Used: Fem!Jesse variant 3 (Jessie) and M!Jesse variant 2 (Jesse). They're siblings._

"I just realized that we have less than a month of summer left," Jesse announced to the rest of the New Order as they were gathered in the Order Hall. "I realized it when I was filling out Dave's application for school."

"I don't want to go back to school!" Dave cried as he sat in Petra's lap. She ruffled her adoptive son's hair, sympathizing with him. Petra hadn't been a fan of school either.

"Ugh, the end of the holidays," Olivia said. "That means assignments to grade and curriculums to plan for my students. Being a teacher is more stressful than I thought it would be."

Jesse shook his head. "Try being a parent sometimes. I had no idea that school applications would be so tedious to fill out. At least I hope that third grade will be fun for Dave."

"It was fun for me!" Axel chimed in. "I had a great teacher. She _never_ made us do book reports!"

"You know, if there aren't many days of summer left," Jessie said, "we should make the most of them. The weather won't be this nice for long. We should do something outside instead of sitting in the Order Hall."

"You know, that's true," Petra agreed. "We should do something as a family."

"We're a family?" Axel looked dumbfounded. "I thought we were friends."

"It sure feels like a family sometimes," Jessie said. "Between Jesse and Petra adopting Dave, Lukas and I dating, and Ivor calling us his kids, we're basically a family."

"I do not think of you children as my kids!" Ivor protested. "So I don't think of Dave as my grandson, either. Just so we're clear."

Everyone just gave him the Look. "No-one believes that, Ivor. Not even you."

"And especially not me." Harper put her arm around his shoulder.

"Yeah, Grandpa Ivor!" Dave cheered, clapping his little hands.

"Hmph!" Ivor crossed his arms.

"Anyway, what if we went out on a team picnic?" Jessie suggested. "We could pack some sandwiches and carrots and stuff like that and head out to the park. It's a perfect day for a picnic, and there will be plenty of shady trees for us to sit under."

The rest of the group started an impromptu vote by giving their opinions on a picnic. Lukas, Harper, Olivia, Jesse, and Dave thought it would be fun, while the rest disagreed. Petra never cared much for picnics, and Ivor worried about sunburn, of all things.

"Some of us are very pale, Jessie. Did you know I don't tan? I only burn. And it hurts," he complained.

"We'll be sitting in the shade," was Jessie's response. "Besides, that's why they invented sunscreen."

"Mmph. Fine," Ivor grumped. "Let's do lunch, then. I'll bring the carrots."

* * *

Jessie hummed to herself as she carried a picnic basket across the field. Since it was a nice day, Beacontown Park was humming with activity. She passed a playground full of kids on her way to the hills by the woods. There was a church picnic going on in the bottom of the valley, but Jessie figured that neither party would bother the other if they kept their distance. She trudged up the hills with her picnic basket, regretting that she had brought so many water bottles with her. The sandwiches, bananas, and cookies weren't hard to carry, but the water bottles were heavier than she'd expected.

At the top of the hill stood the tree line to the woods. Right on its edge, she saw a red-and-white checked blanket spread out in the shade. To her surprise, most of the clan was already there-Jesse, Petra, Dave, Ivor, and Harper. Ivor and Harper were talking and giggling with each other like the sweet old couple they were. Petra fussed and slathered sunscreen on Dave, muttering about how the sunscreen didn't have as high an SPF as she wanted.

"It's only 60 SPF!" she fretted to Jesse. "I wanted 75!"

"That's high enough," Jesse said, uncorking a water bottle and taking a sip. "We're sitting in the shade, remember? Make sure he drinks enough water today."

 _Look at her fuss and fret,_ Jessie thought. _I never thought I'd live to see the day when Petra would act like that._

But she had trained herself to swallow her giggles. Petra was right to have maternal instincts. It was good that she was protective of her child. Dave, on the other hand, would have yet to appreciate it.

"Mom!" he whined. "I'm good, really!"

Jessie set down her basket and opened it up. Inside were the cheese sandwiches, the bananas, the cookies, and those darn water bottles, as well as napkins and an ice pack. Jessie had cheated and bought the cookies at the bakery. Her baking skills were kind of lousy.

"Brought the food!" she announced to the others.

"Oh, boy! Cheese sandwiches!" Jesse reached for one, but Petra gave him a stinky look.

"Hold it right there, chief," she scolded him. "You can't eat one until everyone else is here."

"Fine." Jesse sat back down.

"Honestly, you're supposed to be setting an _example_ for your son." Petra put her hand on Dave's shoulder. "He's supposed to learn table manners from us."

"I'm sorry. I'm still not used to being a dad." Jesse brushed back his hair, only for it to fall in his face again.

Shortly after that, the rest of the crew arrived. They must not have gotten the memo that Jessie was going to bring the food. Axel held a bag of cookies, Olivia brought several loaves of bread, and Lukas carried a small crate of carrots. They set their food down next to Jessie's picnic basket.

"Whoops," Olivia said. "You already brought the food, heh-heh. Guess we weren't listening."

"Huh?" Axel grunted, illustrating her point.

Jessie facepalmed. "Okay. Well, at least we don't need to worry about running out of food. Everyone have a seat. Good, good. Um, I guess we can eat now."

Jesse grabbed a cheese sandwich and started eating it before Jessie even finished her sentence. He must have been hungry. Before a free-for-all for food could flare up, Jessie passed out the rest of the sandwiches.

"I made enough for us to have _one_ sandwich apiece," Jessie explained as she meted them out to her friends. "So no-one take a second helping, alright?"

After several minutes, the feasting finally died down. Axel told some corny jokes that he had made up over the week. Olivia and Harper chatted about redstone trivia, which basically sounded like a foreign language to everyone else. But all in all, everyone had at least something to contribute to the conversation. Jessie smiled as she listened to her friends talked; it always felt good to know that they were having a good time. And they weren't getting harassed by fans out here, either; that was always nice.

But there was one thing that Jessie really wanted to tell the others, and she was having a hard time finding an opening in the conversation to mention it.

Maybe an hour or so later, the table chatter had devolved into occasional quips and comments as the friends nibbled on the leftover cookies.

Jesse leaned against a tree. "So, uh, anyone have really interesting news? What's been going on with you guys?"

Axel shrugged. "We had a TNT rally in Boom Town yesterday. That was pretty fun. What about you, Olivia?"

Olivia looked over at him. "We did a class project and built a redstone calculator. It makes doing math equations much easier."

So the conversation was stuff like that as various New Order members chimed in on the happenings of their lives. But after a while, it became conspicuous that Jessie and Lukas were oddly quiet. Surely Lukas would want to talk about his books or Jessie have to say something about adventure ideas, right?

Jesse was the one to bring it to attention. "Hey, sis? You and Lukas have been quiet for a while. What's up?"

"Oh, is something wrong?" Harper looked concerned. "Are you not feeling well?"

"I'm fine," both of them said at the same time.

"It's just that, um…" Jessie trailed off.

"We wanted to say something…" Lukas faltered. "Um...Do you want to tell them, Jessie?"

Jessie obliged. She straightened her back, took a deep breath, and dropped a bombshell on the group.

"Lukas and I are engaged."

A moment of stunned silence from everyone involved.

And then a collective "What?"

Jessie and Lukas had been hiding their engagement rings in their pockets all day. They both took them out, showed them to the others, and then slipped them on. It was difficult, because their fingers were trembling.

"Y-You guys aren't mad, right?" Jessie chewed on her fingernail in anxiety.

"Well, no," Jesse stammered. "But I'm surprised. This is kind of out of the blue."

"It's not out of the blue," Jessie defended. "Lukas and I have been dating for four years now. We thought about it and talked about it before making our decision. We think that this is the right choice and we're ready for it."

Her brother looked over at Ivor. "Um, Ivor? How do you feel about this? It's not like I don't like this idea or anything, but I want your input on it."

The team dad was quiet for a while. Everyone was tense while he considered it, afraid of how he might react. Lukas was especially nervous, thinking about how Jessie was like a daughter to Ivor.

Finally he said, "I know that Lukas is an upstanding young man and a good friend. I have no problems with it. He has permission to marry my daught-erm, one of my best friends."

Lukas pretended to wipe his face with a napkin so he could whisper "yay!" to himself. Then he reached over and hugged Jessie.

Harper clapped softly and nodded, approving it as well. Apparently, if it was okay with Ivor, it was okay with her.

Still a little spacey-eyed, Axel said, "I wasn't expecting that, but...congratulations, anyway."

Olivia squealed like a fangirl. "I'm so happy for you two! You're perfect for each other! Come here, you!"

Olivia leapt right over the picnic food to tackle Jessie in a hug. It took a lot to get Olivia that excited over anything, so obviously this was a big deal to her. Olivia blathered something about how she "always shipped it!" and wouldn't stop hugging Jessie.

"Well gee," Axel commented, watching her. "I haven't seen her that excited over anything since she learned how to use a comparator."

Jesse pried Olivia off his sister. Jessie sat upright, looking frazzled. Lukas helped her re-adjust her hair clip and tied her sneaker for her (somehow the laces had come loose during the hug attack.) Olivia calmed down after that, fanning herself with a napkin.

Once that ordeal was over, Jesse asked his sister, "So when did he propose to you, anyway?"

"Well, it was three days ago, when Lukas and I were on our latest date…" Jessie leaned back and looked dreamily into the sky...

================================"Hold on there, tiger!" Jesse said before the scene could transition. "We don't really need a flashback. I just wanted to know when. So thanks. Congrats, sis."

"This is so exciting!" Olivia gushed. "We get to make wedding plans and stuff! Squee! Can I be best maid?"

"We'll get to that eventually," Jessie said, holding out a hand to calm her friend down. "For now, let's just relax and enjoy the day as it is now. Does anyone want to play beanbags?"

"Ooh! Beanbags!" Axel sprang up from his seat. "I wanna play beanbags! Who's gonna be on my team?"

"Team? You don't need teams to play beanbags," Olivia said.

"Yes, you do," Axel insisted.

"No. It can be one-on-one."

"I don't like one-on-one. Boring! I want to play with someone on my team."

"Then you have to figure out who's going to throw how many beanbags and annoying logistics like that."

"That sounds like math. Don't you like math?"

"Well, yes, but I don't like it all the time."

"Bogus! I've heard that nerds always like math. Math is their favorite thing in the world. There's nothing they'd rather do than to sit down and do math equations all day."

"Axel! Stop propagating stereotypes! Not every nerd likes math...And I'm not a nerd, anyway!"

"You're a nerd," everyone else present retorted. She narrowed her eyes at them.

"Feelin' the love," she said sarcastically. "Anyway, you didn't even ask if anyone else wanted to play beanbags, Axel. How are you going to get someone to be on your team if you didn't ask them?"

"I did ask."

"Oh my gosh!" Jesse interrupted, looking at his friends in bewilderment. " _Why_ are you arguing about beanbags? Beanbags! That's such a dumb thing to argue about!"

"I'll be on Axel's team," Ivor volunteered. Harper looked at him strangely, as this was rather out-of-character behavior for him. Jessie had a suspicion that he just wanted Axel and Olivia to stop bickering.

"I'll be on Jessie's team," Petra offered. "Maybe if I help her win, she'll let me be best maid."

Jessie bit her lip, hoping that Olivia wouldn't start squabbling with Petra over who should be best maid. She decided to start the beanbag game before any more stupid arguments broke out.

"Okay, team! Let's pack up the picnic and head down to the park greens. That's where they have their beanbag court."

So they did. They neatly swept up all the food and containers and extra bits and bobs that had to be packed away, and into the basket it went. Dave insisted on carrying the basket, because he was a "big boy" and wanted to prove he could do it. They left the hillside and went down into the valley greens. The beanbag court consisted of two slightly propped wooden stands a couple meters apart. The goal was to stand next to one and attempt to throw a beanbag into a hole in the middle of the other.

"Oh boy! This is gonna be fun," Axel said. "Team Axel is going to rock this round."

"I wanted to call it Team Ivor," Ivor muttered, putting his hands in his pockets.

Jessie dug out an armful of beanbags from a nearby box. She gave the green beanbags to Team Axel/Ivor while keeping the blue ones for Team Jessie/Petra. Once they were set up, the game commenced.

Beanbags is a relaxed, family-event sort of game and not really worthy of an in-depth description. Besides, what happened within mere minutes of the game's start.

The NOOTS weren't alone on the greens. The church picnic paid them no mind, but a group of kids playing kickball spotted them. The kiddos were all loyal NOOTS fans and freaked out when they saw their heroes. Kickball was quickly forgotten as they ran over to beg for hugs and autographs.

"Here I go-oh, no," Jessie said as she threw an askew shot. She saw the gaggle of kids running over to her and panicked. She didn't want to sign any autographs today! She just wanted to relax with her friends. Sure, it was a bit selfish, but surely she deserved a break every once in a while?

"Hi, Jessie!" they screamed, and yelled things like "Hi, Lukas! Hi, Petra! Can we have your autographs? Can I hug Ivor? I want to try on Lukas's goggles!"

"I, uh, don't have anything to write with!" Lukas fibbed. He always kept a book and quill in his pocket.

"Give us autographs or we'll throw glitter on you," one of the kids threatened him.

Lukas's beautiful blue eyes widened. He had a flashback of his run-in with glitter-toting kids a while ago, when he was trying to make it to the New Order's photo shoot. This kid obviously remember it as well.

"Not the glitter, not the glitter," Lukas whimpered.

"Shoo! We don't want to sign autographs today," Petra told the kids. "We just want to have some time to ourselves."

"Aww," the kids moaned. Some made exaggerated sobbing noises.

"Are you sure?" asked one kid.

"Positive. Now shoo."

"We'll be back some other time!" a kid yelled as the gaggle of children reluctantly left.

"With more glitter!" a little girl added. "Lots of rainbow glitter."

Jessie grunted. "You had better not. Naughty children."

Just then, the gaggle of chattering children fell silent. Jessie glanced around in confusion and concern. The kids were glaring at her with their eyes narrowed and their little fists clenched. Those that weren't making fists were pulling various toys and craft supplies out of their hacky sacks and backpacks.

"Hey, now," she said nervously. "Let's all just calm down, agree to disagree, and my friends and I will sign your autographs some other day. How does that sound?"

They didn't make a response. They just kept staring at the New Order with weird accusatory looks. Petra made Dave stand behind her to protect him. Axel twiddled his thumbs nervously...children frightened him.

"Shoo, children," Olivia told them. "We just want to have some time to ourselves today. Nothing against you or anything."

Again the kids kept staring at them. Just when Jessie was sure she wouldn't be able to take the tension anymore, a nine-year-old jumped up and shouted the command.

"MUTINY!"

In a wave of stamping little feet, the kids charged the New Order. Naturally, Jessie and her friends couldn't do anything that might hurt the children, so they were essentially helpless against the assault. It was an adorable armageddon, really. The kids used their toys to defeat the New Order. They used a jump rope to tie up Ivor and Harper. One girl threw glitter into the air as a sort of smoke screen around Lukas. While he was temporarily blinded by the glitter, she tackled him to the ground, sat on him, and used her friendship bracelets to bind his wrists together. A boy beat up Axel with a racquetball paddle, stunning Axel long enough for several kids to knock him over and pin him down by sitting on him. Jesse took a wooden toy sword to the back of the head and went down.

Petra saw that disaster happen. "Jesse!"

As the kids ganged up on him, he cried out to Petra, "Go, Petra! Save yourself and Dave! _They've taken me! Don't let yourself be lost!_ "

Petra obliged and ran away with Dave to escape the kiddos (and maybe get help), but that didn't stop her from thinking that Jesse was a total dork. After all, that was one hamtastic line he had spouted. "Don't let yourself be lost?" Really?

Meanwhile, the kids had succeeded in overpowering the New Order. Everyone was either tied up in jump ropes and friendship bracelets, or pinned to the ground by a group of children sitting on them. Jessie fumed about how she and her friends couldn't even get one day to relax. Bad turned to worse when the children discovered the NOOTS picnic basket. There were still cookies and bananas left in it.

"Hey! Don't eat our cookies," Lukas protested as the kids cracked open the picnic basket and did exactly that. "That's not very nice."

The kids ignored him and kept eating the cookies. They didn't untie the NOOTS until all the cookies were gone. Stupid little kids.

As Jessie put it so bluntly when the whole spiel was over, it was probably their "worst picnic ever!"


	16. Mischief Makers

**One of the New Order's B-list villains, after having been defeated by our heroes, wants a rematch. His name is the Weird Warlock, and he plans on taking revenge by casting confusing and embarrassing spells on the New Order. Can they figure out a way to undo the magic before their involuntary quirks drive them insane?**

 **There's an absolutely** _ **incredible**_ **reference made in this short… ;)**

 _ **Lo siento si mi español no es perfecto; soy americana y español es mi idioma segunda. Tengo los problemas con la gramática a veces. (Esta va a hacer más sentido luego…)**_

 _Timeline: "No Season 2" AU. After "Picnic."_

 _Jesse: Fem!Jesse variant 3. same old, same old..._

Ivan breathed in the chill autumn air as he stepped out of the prison yard. He'd just become a free man after a year in the stony lonesome, and it was feeling good. He carried a paper bag full of his belongings in one hand, and a signed affidavit that he wouldn't cause any more mischief in the other. Among other things, it was a solemn promise that he wouldn't use his magic anymore. According to Beacontown law, he lost his magic privileges after casting sleep spells on people and stealing their items. He could be thrown back into the clinker if he got caught with magic paraphernalia again.

Not that he planned on keeping his promise, though.

Of course he wasn't going to stop causing chaos with his tricks. It was too much fun being a troll! Not a literal troll, of course. Ivan knew how to make a potion that would turn him into a troll, but as if he would drink something like that. Blech. No, he preferred to use his magic and his natural cunning as a sneaky way to get what he wanted. And what he really wanted was revenge on the New Order.

"It's their fault I have a criminal record," Ivan muttered as he wandered down the road towards his house. "Here I just wanted to have a little fun, but no, they just had to swoop in and get me arrested. And to add insult to injury, they called me a B-list villain. B-list! I'm not even good enough to be considered much of a villain at all! Apparently I'm just some civil offender!"

"Who are you talking to?" some girl walking her dog asked him as she passed him on the road. "You sound like you're narrating to no-one."

"Silence, woman!" Ivan snapped at her. "Can't you see I'm trying to rant here?"

She rolled her eyes and hurried away from the weird monologuing guy. Ivan sniffed and turned the corner, walking up the front steps of his house. It was an ordinary small house in an ordinary small neighborhood. Ivan dug his key out of his bag of belongings and unlocked the door. Inside, the house smelled musty and needed cleaning. Ivan put the paper bag and the affidavit he had no intention of obeying on the table, then rubbed his hands together with a sneaky smile.

"It's revenge time!" He chuckled. "I'm gonna get back at the New Order for what they've done. They think they can embarrass me by calling me a B-list villain? I'll humiliate _them_ and make them B-list heroes! Ha!"

He whipped a cloak off a hook by the door and swept it onto his shoulders. He also picked up his belt, the one with pouches for holding potion bottles and magic dust, and buckled it around his waist. The final touch was a sturdy tree branch (a staff, because all self-respecting warlocks have staffs) and a cool fedora (pointy cone hats are so last century.) He smiled and made a thumbs-up at his reflection in the mirror.

"I will have my revenge!" he vowed. "But first I need a better nickname. Ivan just doesn't sound intimidating enough. I'm a warlock, so I guess that should be part of my name. And alliteration would make it more memorable, because, after all, I want those ragamuffins to remember my name. Oh! I know! I'll call myself the Weird Warlock! They'll fear me. Better watch out, Jessie! I'm going to humiliate you and your friends!"

Bold words. Ivan...err...the Weird Warlock threw open the door to his house and stepped outside again, walking with a swagger in his step. He muttered a lot of nonsense about revenge and retribution. Everyone who saw him making his way to Beacontown thought he was just an idiot with no sense of fashion. And he was indeed an idiot with no sense of fashion, but he wasn't "just" that.

They had no idea how much mischief that guy was about to cause.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Beacontown_...

With most of the New Order gone on personal missions, Ivor and Harper had the day to themselves. Harper was home from Crown Mesa after assisting in post-PAMA cleanup. And just in time, too, because Ivor was bored of being alone in the Pad all day, reading books on alchemy and dealing with annoyed citizens who criticized him for the lava pouring out of his house. Seeking a change of pace, he had actually pulled himself together and asked Harper out on a dinner date.

That had been two months ago. This was no easygoing meet-up at the Emmaus Breakfast Club on the other side of town. This time, the adorable old couple were going to have a night out at the snootiest restaurant in Beacontown, some chic place called the Fallén Star (with a gratuitous acute on the e and everything.) It was the kind of place that would shoo out a patron for setting foot inside with his tie askew or her dress corset tied incorrectly.

So naturally, Harper wanted everything to be just right for the event. When Ivor wasn't busy with alchemy and Harper wasn't preoccupied with redstone, they made sure their calendars were cleared and their clothes ready for the night. And it had all come down to this day! Tonight was the night of the dinner date!

"Make sure you comb your beard, dear!" Harper reminded Ivor, yelling from the w.c. "And wear your good suit. No robes!"

"All right, all right. I just put it on!" he called from the bedroom. "Have you seen my tie?"

"You left it on the vanity, remember?"

"Oh, that's right." Ivor found his black necktie lying atop the vanity. He looped it about his collar and adjusted it while watching in the mirror, making sure he tied it on just right. He hoped the dinner date would go well; he didn't want to embarrass Harper (or himself) by getting them kicked out of the Fallén Star. But so far, things seemed to be going well. Harper looked beautiful in her dress (a long, flowing crimson number) and Ivor thought he cleaned up pretty well in a suit. Life was looking good.

And then, of course, trouble had to surface. Nothing can ever go nicely for these people. This is Silly Mode, after all.

Just as Ivor was dabbing on a bit of cologne, he heard a small explosion and yells outside the Pad. Confused, he rushed over to the window and pulled the shades aside to see what the hubbub was. A small group of people ran down the street, chased by a floating wizard-looking miscreant in a black cloak and fedora. Ivor sighed, knowing that with the rest of the New Order occupied, it was up to him to take care of the threat.

He pulled out a wooden trunk from under the bed and cracked it open. He usually didn't wear his old armor, the suit from his days in the Old Order of the Stone, but sometimes the more manual hero work required it. He expected to see his old gold-colored armor, but instead...oh, no, the armor was missing! Inside was only an empty chest!

What in the world? He could have sworn he'd taken it out last week to clean it...and he hadn't done anything with it since. Suspecting that Harper might know, he ran out into the hallway.

"Honey?" he yelled to Harper.

"What?" she called from the w.c.

"Where's my armor?" he demanded.

She didn't hear him clearly. "What?"

"Where. Is. My. Armor?"

"I, uh, put it away!" she said, suddenly remembering.

" _Where?"_

"Why do you need to know?"

Another explosion threw smoke and and a puff of flame down the street outside. "I _need_ it!"

Harper realized what he was up to. "Uh-uh! Don't even think about running off now, doing no derring-do! We've been planning this dinner for two months!"

"The public's in danger!"

"My _evening's_ in danger!"

Ivor's face was as red as TNT sticks by now. "You tell me where my armor is, woman! We're talking about the greater good!"

"The greater good?" Harper snapped. "I am your wife. I'm the greatest _good_ you are ever gonna get!"

Ivor leaned against the wall and sighed. This was going to harder than he thought.

No heroism for Ivor today.

* * *

Radar had currently used up 5 legal pads, 2 boxes of pencils, several small memo books, and more erasers than Olivia could count. He sweated, stammered, and spazzed out in fear that he wasn't doing everything properly. Crumpled-up paper and broken pencils littered the floor of the Order Hall basement. Olivia kicked the trash out of the way as she carried a couple bottles of water to the table.

"Breathe, honey," she advised him, passing him a bottle of water. "I know you're doing a good job. Try not to overthink things."

"But I have to make sure everything's perfect!" the little guy protested. "This is the biggest day of their lives. They'll be so upset if something goes wrong. What if Jessie and Lukas get angry at me for ruining their wedding?"

"Oh, come on, Radar," Olivia soothed. "This is Jessie and Lukas we're talking about. They'll understand if not everything goes as planned. Speaking of plans, do you have one for the reception? They didn't say where they wanted to hold the reception."

"No!" Radar cried. "I haven't even gotten through the wedding service yet. I don't know what church to hold it at. I forgot whether they were Protestant or Catholic! Huge detail! I can't mess up on that one…"

"Then ask them." Olivia shrugged. "It's not that hard. We aren't holding a surprise party, Radar. Ask for their input if you need it."

"They're out of town, though."

"Write it down now and ask them later."

"Okay, that's a good idea, but I have more problems. What if we don't get enough programs printed? And what if I have spelling errors in them? I don't write well under pressure!"

"Let me see your first draft." Olivia held out her hand, and Radar passed the handwritten paper to her.

"I tried to track down the photographer guy who took the New Order's picture a couple years ago. I think his name was Herr Vogelhaus…?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Olivia said as she reviewed Radar's rough draft of the program. "This isn't bad. I'm not seeing any spelling or grammar errors right now. I think you're being too hard on yourself, honey. You remind me when this whole adventure with Jessie and the others started. Have a little self-confidence. You're doing fine. Can I be best maid?"

Radar gave her a lopsided smile, encouraged but still a little frazzled. Encouraged or no, he still had a big job ahead of him!

"I hope Jessie is arranging for the bridesmaid's dresses, because I don't know anything about women's clothes. And do I have to do something for Lukas's best man? Who is Lukas's best man, anyway? I feel like that's something I'm supposed to know!"

Olivia held up a reassuring hand. "It's fine. Jessie's handling the stuff with the bridesmaids. Lukas picked Aiden to be his best man."

Radar did a double take. "Aiden? But I thought Lukas and Aiden hated each other-"

"Aiden's gotten better over the years," Olivia explained. "He's made up for what he's done. Gotten more mature, too. Much more mature."

"Okay. Okay." Radar seemed to calm down after that, but that only lasted for a little while before: "OH NO! The dinner at the reception hall! They'll be serving fish. What if it's not flaky enough?"

"I'll tell you who's flaky," Olivia muttered under her breath. She started scooping up the crumpled papers and broken pencils on the floor so she could throw them away. Once she had the trash cleaned up, she sat at the table to help Radar, but moreso to get him to calm the heck down.

Just then, the basement door blasted off its hinges and clattered to the floor. Olivia and Radar spun around in the chairs. A lanky guy in a giant black cape and a fedora intruded the room, blathering something about revenge.

"Who are you?" Olivia demanded. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'd ask the same question to you, woman!" the stranger said, making a grand gesture with his hands. "What are _you_ doing?"

"Planning my boss's wedding!" Radar said cheerfully, oblivious to the danger.

"Wait a second." Olivia squinted. "You seem familiar. Where have I seen you before…?"

"Ah!" he snapped. "Say nothing more. The weakling here says he's planning a wedding? For Lukas and Jessie, I presume?"

"What? How did you know?"

"My skills of deductive reasoning are impeccable. And now, since the weakling-"

"I'm not a weakling!"

"-The weakling clearly values those notes...I will take the first phase of revenge!"

Olivia still didn't have a clue what this stranger was yammering about, and his odd familiarity was bugging her. However, her thoughts were interrupted when the stranger shot a small bolt of magic out of his finger, aimed at Radar's notes.

"What is he...Is he gonna vaporize Radar's notes?"

"No!" said the warlock. "I did something even worse to them. Have a look!"

Cautiously Olivia picked up the legal pad and thumbed through the pages. Her eyes widened and some of the color drained from her face.

She cried, "Oh, no! He turned Radar's notes into...into...I can't say it, it's too terrible!"

"What is it?" Radar whimpered.

Olivia whisked the pad around for him to see. "He turned them into Luktra fan art!"

Even though it was the middle of a sunny day and they were in a basement, thunder crackled and lightning flashed.

Radar fell on his knees. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" the warlock cackled. "Now your precious notes have been ruined by drawings of the wrong ship!"

Radar started crying and sucking his thumb like a baby. Olivia huddled him into her arms and patted him on the head to calm him down.

"You fiend!" she yelled at the warlock. "Who are you, anyway?"

"You will call me the Weird Warlock!" He gestured grandly again, then seemed disappointed when he didn't get a thunder and lightning SFX like Olivia had. "I'm here to take revenge on the entire New Order of the Stone! They called me a B-list villain. Well, I'm going to make them into B-list heroes! Fah!"

Olivia just kind of stared at the Weird Warlock while she let Radar cry on her shoulder. She didn't recall fighting anyone called the Weird Warlock, nor did she remember Jessie ever telling her about a fight with one. Still, why did this guy seem so familiar? She recognized his face and something about the grandiose way he behaved. Where had she seen it before?

"What do you mean, you're gonna take revenge on us?" she asked, still cuddling Radar. "What did we do? I don't remember fighting anyone like you."

"Yes, you did fight me!" The Weird Warlock stomped his foot like a two-year-old. "And you called me a B-list villain. That was mean! You can't call yourselves heroes when you call people bad names. So I'm gonna have my revenge by humiliating you and making you a laughingstock of everyone. And as for my name, I changed it when I re-emerged to take my revenge. You fought me under a different name! Now you must know me as the Weird Warlock."

"Stop monologuing," Olivia grumbled. "I hate monologuing."

"I'm not monologuing." He stomped his foot again. "It's called exposition. You're too dumb to put one and two together-"

"The expression is called 'two and two together,'" Olivia corrected.

He glared. "Anyway, because you're too dumb to put one and two together, I had to explain everything. Now, the name thing is important because of the magic I'm using. If you want to break the curse, you have to find out my real name."

"What curse?"

"Ka-zam!" The Weird Warlock zapped Olivia with some kind of magic. It felt like getting a static shock, and it made her hair puff out a little. She blinked, confused.

She said, "Now don't make this a mystery/What is it you've done to me?" Then she blinked again, weirded out because she had just unintentionally rhymed her question.

"Tee hee hee!" the Weird Warlock giggled, rubbing his hands together. "Go ahead, say something else!"

She stammered, "What's going on, you sneaky cat?/Tell me what you're playing at."

Olivia's eyes widened; she was confused by her own words. She hadn't tried to rhyme her sentences.

"You've been hit with a rhyming spell! Ha! Now you can only speak in rhyme. You'll sound like a kid's poetry book! How embarrassing." He danced around and giggled some more.

"Sir, you will never get your wish./I promise you you'll pay for this!"

"Hee-hee-ha-hoo-ah-ha-ha! That's too funny! Just wait until everyone hears you talk."

"You're so mean," Radar whimpered to him. "Why did you do that to Olivia?"

"Weren't you listening, you dummy?" The Warlock glared at him. "I'm taking my revenge. Oh, and to keep you pathetic whelp from helping her…"

He zapped Radar with the magic. Like with Olivia, it felt like getting a static shock. Radar's hair stuck up even more than usual. But he didn't look or feel any different afterwards, so he brushed off his clothes and tried to ask what happened.

But instead, what came out was, " _Que hiciste?"_

Olivia looked at him strangely. "Radar, my friend of workload reduction,/where did you get your Spanish instruction?"

" _Un hombre culpable! Que hizo a mi?"_

"I hope you're bilingual, Olivia!"

" _Olivia, necesito me ayudas. Cuando trato de decir alguna cosa, las palabras salgan mi boca en español. No hablo esta idioma!"_ Radar threw up his hands in the air and waved them around wildly.

"Remember," said the Weird Warlock, "unless you want Radar to speak Spanish for the rest of his pathetic life and you yourself to be forever speaking in rhyme, I would suggest trying to figure out my real name. That's the only way to break the curse."

"We will break your stupid curse/and come from it none the worse," Olivia vowed, glaring at him. "The New Order cannot be beat/but you are easy to defeat."

The Weird Warlock grunted and turned aside with a flourish of his cape. "We'll see about that."

Olivia blew a raspberry at the Weird Warlock as he flew out of the basement. Radar angrily folded his ruined notes into origami swans. He went over to a cabinet and whisked out a fresh legal pad.

" _No quiero empezar del cuadrado uno,"_ he explained to Olivia as he started scrawling his notes down again. " _De suerte, puedo todavía escribir en ingles._ "

Olivia peeked over his shoulder. The curse had only affected Radar's speech; he could still write in English. Once Radar had written down all the wedding notes he could remember, Olivia wanted to get on the move to put a stop to the Weird Warlock's antics. She was _not_ enjoying being forced to speak in rhyme or to having to mentally translate everything Radar was saying. She spoke Spanish, but not well enough to do it forever. They left the Order Hall basement and went into the library. Radar was still sniffling and wiping his eyes with a hanky. Olivia held his hand to lead him along.

"Come with me Radar, we must go/on a quest his name to know," she said to him.

" _Si. Pero, por que estamos en la biblioteca?"_

"I have a plan that's worth a look./We might find it in a book." Olivia gestured to the bookshelf full of records and history for the New Order of the Stone. It was still a rather small collection, but maybe that was a good thing. That way, they would find the answer more quickly.

"Don't worry, this might be fun./Here, have a look in this one." Olivia handed Radar one of several record books. The New Order kept records of the bad guys they had tangled with over the years and similar big events. They even had tabs on jaywalkers, people who double-parked their horses, and litterbugs. Jessie took peacekeeping seriously.

" _No puedo encontrar algo,_ " Radar said, shutting the book.

"When at first you don't succeed,/a second try is what you need." Olivia gave him another record book, then sat down in a bean bag with one of her own. She pulled her reading glasses out of her pocket and set them on her nose, and she pulled a bookmark out of another pocket. She had her reading gear on the go.

" _Jessie es tan linda en este foto,_ " Radar remarked as he turned to a page bearing a group photograph of the New Order. " _Pero, hay nada en este libro de que necesitamos. Por que es tan dificil?"_

"I'm looking deep into my recall.../Who we a B-list villain did call?" Olivia thumbed through the pages of her book. "We caught a guy who used magic/To make others' lives oh so tragic."

They skimmed through all the books, which took them more than an hour, until they had the possibilities narrowed down to all the heels who had used magic to commit their misdeeds. Knowing that they were up against a male villain took out about a half of the possibilities from there. And they knew that the crook was a younger person, so Olivia could strike the names of the old dodgers who had opposed them off the list as well.

" _Estamos acercando del solución,"_ Radar chirped, crossing out names..

""This won't take such a long spell of time/if I don't go mad from having to rhyme." Olivia recalculated the list. She tried to remember what the Weird Warlock had looked like...where she had seen him before.

She hoped this wasn't a case of guilt by association on her part. If she had been at the fight against whoever this Warlock guy really was, she perhaps could jog the memory. If not, their investigation had hit a roadblock, and she'd be stuck speaking in rhyme until a NOOTS who had been at the fight could help. Olivia doubted that she'd make it until then, and she suspected that Radar had two days before his involuntary language change drove him crazy.

She scanned her list of suspects and thought back to all the battles with them that she could remember. Some had gone down more easily than others...some of the perps had been extra hissy when they lost, while others willingly accepted defeat. One of them stood out from the others, she remembered, because he was the first one that Jessie had called a "B-list villain." The guy thought himself too important to be a B-lister, but he really wasn't. All he had been doing was casting sleep spells on people and stealing their items…

Olivia gasped aloud and dropped her book. She'd figured it out.

"Radar! Onwards! Let us away/For I can break the curse today!" She yanked Radar out of his seat and pulled him along by the arm.

" _Quien es el villano?"_ Radar asked as Olivia dragged him out of the Order Hall and into the streets of Beacontown. Olivia panted and puffed (not a runner) and waved dismissively at him as she hurried him down the street. As they ran down the sidewalk, Olivia caught sight of one of the Weird Warlock's pranks.

"Ugh! Look at that, how uncouth!/What a troublesome little youth."

She was referring to what he'd done to the town sign. Instead of its proper name, the sign claimed that the town was called "Bacontown." Olivia made a mental note to fix it, and to do so before Jessie saw it and got offended.

Halfway down the road to the district with the perp's house, Olivia found some craters in the street and picked up the pace. Radar struggled to keep up with her. Both of them were tired of their involuntary verbal tics, so they said nothing. Olivia kept on trucking until they reached an outer neighborhood of Beacontown. With luck, the little miscreant hadn't vacated the house since he got out of jail.

" _Es la casa correcta?"_ Radar inquired as they stopped outside a small yellow cottage. Olivia nodded and made sure she had a bow at the ready.

"We hope you're ready to recant/so open the door this instant!" she shouted to the Weird Warlock, who was holed up inside the house. She waited about 30 seconds and got no response.

" _Debemos derribar la puerta?"_ asked Radar.

Olivia nodded. Neither she nor Radar could have kicked the door down with their own power, but when they worked together, down it went! The Weird Warlock yelped in surprise as his door went slamming into the floor, but he re-composed himself and stood tall.

"Have you come to admit your defeat?" he asked, secretly kicking himself for lazing in his house instead of leaving Beacontown for good. That would have made it harder for them. He didn't seem to be very good at planning.

Radar and Olivia shook their heads. Olivia raised her bow. Radar raised tiny fists and flexed nearly nonexistent biceps. Oh, Radar.

"Then why are you here? You haven't figured out how to break the curse."

Olivia pointed at him in a silent "au contraire" expression.

"Oh, yeah?"

Olivia cleared her throat and said, "You have been bested, little con man./We now know your name is Ivan."

Poof! A puff of pink smoke surrounded them and immediately dissipated, leaving no visual change. Still, it was obvious that the curse was broken, and Ivan was flabbergasted.

"Gasp! How did you figure it out?"

"Through the power of deductive research!" Olivia mae a big, sweeping gesture with her hands. "And now we don't have to rhyme or speak Spanish anymore. Or at least not non-consensually."

"Yeah!" Radar added. "That wasn't nice of you. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"It's not fair!" Ivan stomped his foot on the ground. "That was a genius plan. Why did it fail? You shouldn't have been able to figure that out so quickly."

"It wasn't genius!" Olivia shook her head incredulously. "Number one, don't underestimate the determination of a person stuck speaking with an involuntary verbal tic. Number two, you aren't worth spending more time than that on. And number three, you're terrible at coming up with good plans! That was so weak of a scheme, Axel could have figured it out."

Radar squeaked. "I'm gonna tell Axel you said that…"

"Radar, stay out of this," Olivia snapped. "And by the way, Mr. Ivan...you're under arrest. Again."

She snapped her fingers, and somehow, the Beactown Police Department was at the house in an instant. The cops took Ivan into custody and handcuffed him. As he was taken away, he gave Olivia and Radar a dirty look.

"I will have my revenge...Again!" he vowed.

"No, you won't." Olivia rolled her eyes. "You are so not worth it."

Radar tugged on Olivia's sleeve. "Can we get back to wedding planning now?"

Olivia started walking back to the Order Hall. "Of course we can! You still haven't written down our plans for the reception. I think we should get them a cake made out of cookies…"


	17. Finally!

**A/N: Okay, my fellow Lukesse fans. Try not to fangirl scream too loudly, okay? We wouldn't want to scare the neighbors. :3**

…

…

 **You ready for this?**

…

…

 **I've waited a long time for this one.**

 **Here it is…**

 **So Lukas finally worked up the nerve to propose to Jessie, and of course she said yes. For once, we're forgoing silliness to make this as adorable as possible. And it's gonna be great.**

 _Jesse Used: Fem!Jesse variant 3, aka Portal Party Jessie_

 _Timeline: Five years after the Witherstorm incident. Jessie and the gang are 23 years old now._

It was time. The preparations had been made, the cathedral reserved, the reception booked. Now all that was left was to put it into action.

It was a calm, misty day, and a peaceful rain drummed the windows. The sound made a soothing percussion line for the classical music flowing from the record player. The dressing room was charged with excitement as the finishing touches were made on this long-awaited event. It was a bright, clean room with cream-colored walls and strong lighting. Remnants of silk, ribbon, and lace littered the floor. The bridesmaids hurried around the room, adjusting their dresses and fixing their makeup. Their gowns were modeled on the appearance of the Star Shield armor—a blue bodice, a black and white skirt, and teal accents. An Olivia-approved design.

Speaking of Olivia, she was all aflutter, half from excitement and half from anxiety. As the best maid, she had taken responsibility for the really important bit: making sure the bride was ready. A small bench served as a riser, positioned near the full-size mirror hanging on the wall. Jessie stood atop it, decked out in her wedding dress. The white gown was simple but pretty, with a train in the back and a blue sash tied around her waist. Thanks to Olivia's makeup skills, there wasn't a scratch or blemish on her mahogany skin. Her dark hair fell in waves down her back.

"Oh, he is such a lucky guy," Olivia said as she fluffed Jessie's hair and made sure there weren't any tangles. "You look fantastic!"

Jessie smiled bashfully. "Thanks. I'm a little scared, though. This is majorly nerve-wracking."

"Don't be!" Petra encouraged from the sidelines, fending off Nell's attempts to braid her fiery hair. "This is your day, sis. Own it!"

"You totally got this, dude," Nell added. "You look adorbs, and this is going to be awesome."

"Guys, you're making me blush."

"You're so bashful. Can't you take a compliment?" Olivia chuckled, stepping away from the riser.

"I guess not." Jessie giggled. "I can't believe it's actually come to this! You don't think Lukas and I are rushing into this too quickly, do you?"

"Of course not. You've been dating for more than four years now. If something was wrong, you would have found it out by now. You two are so cute, and you'll be really happy together. I have confidence in you."

Well, alrighty then. If Olivia of all people had confidence in something, it had to be going right. Jessie breathed in deeply, then out again. She smiled into the mirror, mentally steeling herself for what was to come. Not that it wasn't happy (she felt like her heart thumping in excitement) but it was also, as she had said, extremely nerve-wracking. Sure, Olivia and Radar had taken care of most of the wedding planning, but she was the one who was getting married. Was Lukas freaking out inside like this, too?

"Do you want to borrow my fidget spinner?" Petra offered a small gizmo with three blades to Jessie. "If you give it a twirl, it can help calm down your anxiety."

Olivia gave Petra the Look. "Petra, put that stupid thing away. We talked about this."

"You always assume that popular things are bad!"

"I never thought that you would fall for a goofy fad like that. Really? A fidget spinner?"

"I like it."

"Put it away, Petra. You can't take it into the church."

"Says who? Is there a posted rule or something?"

"No, but it's common courtesy. You don't have a pocket on your dress, anyway."

"Don't fight, please," Jessie said to her friends.

Petra grumbled and set the fidget spinner on the vanity counter, next to Nell's assortment of essential oils and natural, not-tested-on-animals makeup. "Dave's the ringbearer. You don't want to know how much trouble it was to make him put on his suit. He pouted so much."

"Aww, but he'll look so _cute!_ What a little darling!" Jessie smiled. "This is going to mean a lot for him."

"You and Jesse had better tie the knot soon, too." Olivia winked at Petra. "He's going to be embarrassed if his sister is married but he's still casually dating."

"I'm trying to nudge him in the right direction. He's a bit clueless." Petra sighed. "This whole co-raising an adopted son situation is getting awkward."

"Someday he'll put two and two together," Olivia offered.

Nell piped up, "Speaking of the dudes, how do you think they're doing?"

"Oh, I'm sure they're okay."

* * *

"We're not okay!" Radar flipped through his notes frantically. "Oh golly gee, it's the big day and I still don't know if I have everything together. What if I mess something up? I can't ruin my boss's wedding!"

"Radar?" Lukas stood on top of a bench serving as a riser, checking his hair in the mirror to make sure it looked all right.

"I've still got that gnawing suspicion that I have typos in the programs."

"Radar."

"And...and...and...what if something spills on your clothes or Jessie's dress? We don't have any extras, and I didn't allot for any changing time in the schedule! What a horrible oversight! I'm doing everything wrong!"

"Radar!" Normally Lukas didn't raise his voice, but Radar wouldn't stop fretting. This was about the five thousandth time that the little guy needed reassurance that everything was going to be all right.

"Gah-huh?" Radar stopped, his notes fluttering around him like big, clumsy leaves. "What?"

"You're doing great. Don't worry, okay? Look at how much you've already gotten done. You and Olivia got the cathedral and service organized, the reception hall booked, helped Aiden and his friends come over here from the Sky City world...this is going to be awesome. Thanks, Radar. You've done good."

"Oh. Gee. Thanks." Radar adjusted his glasses. "But are you really super sure that-"

"It's gonna be awesome, Radar. I trust you on this one."

"Okay. Okay." Radar scooped his notes off the floor. "So is that your suit for the wedding? Aren't they usually black?"

"I've never been a fan of suits." Instead of a groom's tux, Lukas wore a white short tunic and matching pants, tied with a blue sash. Such an ensemble was simple but elegant, and it looked like the perfect male counterpart to Jessie's dress.

"You look good," Radar said, the best thing he could think of. "Wait, are the groomsmen wearing tunics, too?"

"I actually like tuxes!" Aiden tugged on the bow tie on his suit. "The best man gets the best suit, right?"

Aiden, Jesse, Axel, and Gill stood on the other end of the room, lined up as the groomsmen. They were nowhere near as composed as the bridesmaids. Axel was still salty about not getting picked as the best man and would elbow Aiden in the ribs whenever he got the chance. Gill was supposed to buy a black bow tie, but somehow mixed up the directive and got himself a pink one instead. Jesse sweated and wiped his forehead with a hanky, thinking about how his sister was getting married today. First it had been Ivor and Harper, and now it was Lukas and Jessie. Who was going to tie the knot next?

"Okay, gentlemen!" Lukas jumped down from the bench. "You've all gotten your suits on, right? No-one needs help putting his bow tie on?"

"Yep," all four said. "We're good."

"Great. We'd better be ready, because the service is going to start soon…" Lukas took a deep breath. To think that this wasn't just preparation for a wedding; this was preparation for _his_ wedding! As a kid, he had wondered what it would be like, and now here he was. No backing out of it now, but as if he wanted to. This was what he wanted, but it also frightened him. He swallowed his fear and thought about how much he loved Jessie. She was totally worth a few nervous moments.

Radar squealed in excitement. "This is gonna rock!"

* * *

When Radar saw Jessie in her wedding gown for the first time, his jaw dropped. Their paths had crossed while Jessie and the bridesmaids were making their way to their positions in the cathedral; now Radar stood there frozen, gripping his notebook in his little hands. Before this, he had only seen his boss in casual clothes or flashy armor. It wasn't as if he had a crush on her or anything, though; this was more like a little kid meeting Fairy Godmother after the Cinderella play was over.

"Radar. There you are." Jessie smiled at him. "I'm so proud of you."

"You're proud of me?" Radar's cheeks started to turn pink.

"Of course I'm proud; you've been such a great help!" She kissed him on top of his head, like a doting mom. "Thank you."

A crooked, goofy smile grew on Radar's face, and he mumbled his thanks as he ran to get changed into his own suit and tie. Meanwhile, Jessie went off to get ready for the ceremony, and the guests started to file in. Because they couldn't have a horde of fans in the cathedral, it had to be a private event. Only friends and family members had been invited. The front rows were reserved for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, ringbearer, and Radar, except for one very special seat.

A bundle of daisies on it indicated that no-one was supposed to sit there. A small painting of a certain piglet was propped up against the back of the chair. It was Reuben's seat, reserved so he could attend Jessie's wedding in spirit. Daisies had been his favorite flowers.

Most would have thought that Ivor would have been right up front, and indeed he would have. But he actually had an important role to fill in this ceremony, so he had to take a seat in the back. Most of the other guests didn't know what he was doing, sitting by himself in the back of the church, but it would make sense in a short while.

When everyone had arrived, it made for a lovely crowd: Gabriel, Magnus, Harper, Isa, Milo, Otto, Stacy, Stampy, Dan, and even some of the Gladiators from the Old Builders' world. Some of them weren't used to being in church and complained about the hard benches. (That was nothing compared to the fans outside complaining about how they weren't allowed inside for the ceremony, but still.) Several long, fidgety minutes passed while they waited for the service to start.

Then, organ music blared through the sanctuary, making sure that everyone who had started to doze off was _very_ much awake now. The guests squeaked in surprised and sat up straight. They murmured things like "Oh! It's about to start now," and "Look, here come the bridesmaids and groomsmen."

Because the entourage had arrived. The bridesmaids came out first, lining up at the left side of the altar. Their skirts swished elegantly. Olivia led the pack as best maid, taking confident strides. If Olivia was showing such self-confidence, this had to be a good day. Next came the groomsmen, led by Aiden. Axel restrained himself and didn't elbow Aiden as they stood on the right side of the altar. Gill resisted the urge to fiddle with his bow tie. They all stood in a nice line and smiled.

The choir sang a hymn and the officiating priest entered the sanctuary, standing between the groomsmen and bridesmaids. He opened his book to the section with the rites of holy matrimony, then talked about love, loyalty, and self-sacrifice. Some guests listened intently, while others fidgeted in their seats and wondered when the bride and groom would finally be brought out.

Their questions were answered promptly. Lukas was brought out first, coming in from the right side of the sanctuary. His white clothes gleamed in the warm yellow light. He was secretly wearing his favorite T-shirt, the one with the pink and white stripes, under his tunic. He had figured that if brides were supposed to wear "something old," maybe grooms could as well. At first he had planned on wearing his leather jacket, but he had correctly predicted that it would be too warm inside the church for that. Standing to the right of the priest, he glanced at the guests and smiled nervously. This day was exciting and scary at the same time.

A hush fell over the assembly as Jessie entered the church, holding a bundle of daisies. Now they knew why Ivor had been sitting in the back row. He moved to Jessie's side, standing in as the father of the bride. With a surprisingly graceful and gentle hand, he walked her down the aisle. Oddly enough, her nervous feelings subsided as she made the procession. Instead, a quiet sort of wonder settled over her. Her heart fluttered as she approached the altar. As for Lukas, his heart was going into overdrive as she stepped up beside him at the altar. He couldn't take his eyes off her, nor could she glance away from him.

The priest started his pontificate: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Lukas and Jessie in the bonds of holy matrimony…here and today the two shall become one...a joining of hands and hearts…"

It was a long but heartwarming speech. His blue eyes met her dark ones. They shared a smile and a stifled giggle. They could feel the excitement bubbling up inside them.

"Let us present the rings," the priest said after a while, motioning at the aisle. Dave strode up to the altar, carrying a small pillow with the wedding rings on it: two golden bands with heart-shaped diamonds. He was preceded by a flower girl tossing daisy petals everywhere. Petra grinned at the sight of her adopted son looking so grown-up as he carried the rings to the altar, and Jesse tried to hold back a proud smile. Meanwhile, Dave stood before Lukas and Jessie, holding out the pillow to them.

The priest nodded at them. "Say your vows to each other."

Lukas looked Jessie in the eye and said, "Jessie, it has been a joy to see our friendship blossom into something truly beautiful. You mean more than life itself to me. Your bravery and kindness is an inspiration. It would be an honor to be by your side through life. In good times and in bad, I promise to care for you, protect you, be faithful to you, and love you always."

That was too much for Jessie. Her eyes got shiny, and she sniffled. She tearfully recited her vows:

"Look at how far we've come. I couldn't have predicted this moment, but I don't want it any other way. I can't think of a better person to spend my life with; you're so sweet and selfless. Lukas, I love you with all my heart. I never want to leave you. No matter what happens, I will protect, forgive, and persevere. I will care for you and love you forever."

Now it was Lukas's turn to get emotional. His eyes misted with happy tears. His vision was getting blurry and he could barely see the ringbearer handing him the pillow. Dave gave the pillow to Jessie instead. She held Lukas's hand and slipped on the ring. He started crying all the more when she did that, so much so that Dave had to actually place the ring in his hand so he could properly give it to Jessie.

Jessie felt her heartbeat spike as Lukas took hold of her hand, lifted it, and slipped on the ring. The diamond twinkled like a star. She felt as though they had just sealed the wax on the world's most important letter.

The priest said, "A wedding band is a circle, lacking an end, and so, let this union be unbroken for life. And as the ring it is made of pure metal, so let them give each other their pure love."

The guests who weren't crying sat on the edge of their seats or clasped their hands in anticipation.

"If anyone can give a just reason why this couple should not be wed, let them speak now, or let them forever hold their peace."

Of course no-one spoke up. The silence covered the church like a heavy blanket. The priest nodded and proceeded with the final part of the vows.

"Do you, Lukas, take Jessie to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish her, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do."

"And do you, Jessie, take Lukas to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish him, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do."

"Then by virtue of my office, I hereby declare this couple husband and wife. What the Creator binds together, let not man separate."

The church erupted into cheers and applause as Jessie and Lukas kissed. For a moment, it was just the two of them. A moment full of love, trust, and hope for the future.

Jessie whispered, so quietly that only Lukas could hear, "Finally."

His response was the same. "Finally."


	18. Radar's Day Off

**The entire NOOTS is busy today, and Radar doesn't know what to do. Let's see what the mini cinnamon roll does when when he has some time to himself.**

 **Disclaimer - not really a shippy oneshot. I mean, if you ship it you can imagine it as such, but I wrote it with a platonic tone.**

 **Radar's just an anxious ball of fluff in this, isn't he?**

 _One week after "Finally!"_

Beacontown was so picturesque that morning that it begged for a painting or photo. The sun washed the streets in golden light, and the crisp autumn leaves fluttered in a gentle breeze. The scent of cinnamon and apples lingered in the cool, fresh air. Few people were on the streets, leaving the city quiet and calm.

Until Radar came barreling out of his house screaming, that is.

"Oh my gooooooooooooosh!" he squealed, careening down the sidewalk. "I'm gonna be late!"

He ran as fast as his hustlesticks could carry him. His open hoodie sweater flapped in the wind behind him. Pencils, gum wrappers, and scraps of paper fell out of his pockets. He held a piece of toast in his mouth, just like an anime schoolgirl, because he didn't have time to eat breakfast. His little feet pounded the sidewalk as he hurried down to the Order Hall.

"Whup! Where's the fire?" some elderly guy walking his dog asked Radar as the intern blasted past.

"Can't talk now," Radar said through the piece of toast in his mouth. "Gotta get to the Order Hall!"

"Hoodlums!" the guy yelled after him, angry that Radar didn't want to stop and talk. "Back in my day, youngsters appreciated the fine art of conversation."

But Radar didn't have any time to appreciate the fine art of conversation! He was late, late, late, and he had to go! Or so he thought, anyway. He was probably overreacting again. He wolfed down his toast, wiped the crumbs off his face, and pulled his daily schedule out of his pocket. To his dismay, it was the schedule for yesterday.

"Useless," he commented, and stuffed it back into his pocket. He turned a corner, almost knocking over a stack of banana crates piled up outside a grocery. Luckily, not many people were out and about yet, so no-one else interrupted him as he made his morning sojourn. At last, the shiny Order Hall came into view. He ran down the boulevard and smacked into the front doors, because he forgot that they were pull-to-open. Radar tended to forget things when he was worked up into a tizzy.

"Owie," he moaned as he rubbed his sore nose. "Maybe I should put a 'pull' sign on the doors."

Once he went inside, Radar headed down to the treasure room of the building, since it was the de facto meeting place. He expected to find at least some of the New Order gathered about their round table. (Jesse had gotten the idea to install a round table after reading old legends about knights and chivalry.) Instead, he was greeted by an empty room. Except for a bunch of artefacts that needed dusting, Radar was alone.

"Jessie? Olivia? Ivor? Anyone?" He paced around the room, holding his notebook. "Where is everybody?"

He hadn't expected this. Naturally, his mind jumped to the worst conclusion.

"Oh gosh! What if they're all sick somethin' fierce? Or they _died_?! Or...or...they were abducted by zombies? Or abducted by crazed fangirls? Or crazed zombie fangirls…"

"Hey, little guy, what's the problem?" A glasses-wearing guy asked Radar as he walked into the room with a bucket and a mop. Radar was too busy panicking to recognize him as Eric, the Order Hall's janitor. It took him a good three minutes to figure out who the guy with the mop was.

"The whole Order's missing!" Radar fretted when he finally got it. "Where are they? Are they okay?"

"Oh, you must be Jesse's intern," said the janitor. "Don't worry, kid. Everything's okay. Why are you so anxious this morning? Did you have too much coffee?"

"Jessie says I shouldn't drink coffee because it makes my anxiety worse," Radar stammered. "Where is everyone? They should be here. At least someone should be here."

"Maybe not." Eric leaned his mop against the wall. "It must be a schedule snag. They told me that they had stuff to do, and I didn't realize it was all going to overlap. Sorry, Radar."

"You know what they're doing? Where are Ivor and Harper?" Radar figured that was a good place to start. Ivor and Harper were usually the first to show up at a NOOTS meeting, unless Ivor was having a bad morning and wanted to sleep in.

"They went to the Portal Network. They're in Crown Mesa at the moment. I think they were going to work on some town expansion projects."

"Okay. Um...what about Petra?"

"Helping to track down a bandit gang."

"Jesse?"

"Parent's Day at Dave's school."

"What about Axel, then?"

"Hosting a TNT rally at Boom Town."

"Lukas and Jessie?"

"On their honeymoon!"

"And I suppose Olivia is busy, too?"

"She's a teacher, little buddy. They work every weekday, and a lot on the weekends, too."

Radar slumped. "Rats. What am I supposed to do, then? Nobody's here to give me any instructions!"

Eric shrugged. "Have a day off, I guess. Jesse didn't leave you any to-do lists?"

Radar shook his head. "Neither he nor Jessie usually does that. I'm lost. Do you have any ideas?"

"Me?" Eric looked stunned. "No. You get to choose what you want to do with your day off. Why don't you go somewhere fun with a friend?"

FRIENDS?! Radar got a deer-in-the-headlights look. He didn't really have any close friends, at least not really anyone his age. He didn't know if the New Order counted as friends or if he was only supposed to think of them as his bosses. Radar muttered something about being late for a haircut as an excuse, and then ran out of the Order Hall.

* * *

The streets gradually filled up with people as they woke up and started on their morning commutes. Radar trotted down the sidewalk, his hands in his jacket pockets. Most of the people he saw were bustling around doing errands: shopping for groceries, catching breakfast, delivering newspapers. Everyone seemed busy. Radar didn't have anyone to talk to. Dejectedly he went down the street, examining the buildings around him. The Beacon Fountain in front of the Order Hall was his favorite structure, but he also liked the squid-shaped building and the tiki head. Beacontown just had to the best place in the whole wide world! It was so bright and cool!

When he passed by a wooden shack on stilts, the door suddenly whipped open, scaring him. A girl with a tank top and messy blonde hair stepped out, holding a "Sorry bro, we're closed!" sign. It was Nell, one of Jesse's weirder friends. Radar couldn't tell if Nell was a hippie, a hipster, or both.

"Hey there, little dude," she called to Radar. "Just settin' out a sign. The shop's closed for the day, 'cha?"

Radar looked at the sign. "What do you sell at a beach shop, anyway?"

"Swimwear, towels, sunscreen, and aloe vera, for starters," Nell explained. "Of course, I make sure everything's made with natural ingredients and not tested on animals-Hey wait a second! I recognize you, little bro. You're Jesse's intern, aren't you?"

"Uh…" Radar stammered. "Uh, yes."

"Jesse was telling me about you, like, just the other day. Your name's, um, Sonar, isn't it?"

"Radar," he corrected.

"Right. Radar. Sorry, dude. Anyway, you seem like a cool little guy. Whatcha up to?"

Radar stuck his hands in his pockets. "Nothing. The whole Order is busy today, so I don't have anything to do."

"Bummer. Why don't you go do something with a friend?"

Radar wilted.

"What's the matter?"

"I don't really have anyone."

"No-one? Nobody at all?"

Radar just sighed.

"Well, says who? We're mutuals, aren't we? Both pals of Jesse. And we've both got a day off today. I was going to head down to the beach. Want to come?"

"The beach?" He hadn't been on a trip to the lakeshore in a long time. "What would we do at the beach?"

Nell shrugged. "You could go swimming, build a sandcastle, read in the shade, fun stuff like that. So do you want to come?"

"Okay-dokee." Why not? He needed something to do today, and besides, hanging out with Nell sounded like fun. "I just need to go home and get my swimming trunks."

"Awesome sauce! I'm-a gonna go change, too. Meet you back here in, what, fifteen, maybe?"

"Fifteen minutes?" Radar confirmed, flustered. "Okay. All right."

"Don't forget to put on sunscreen, dude!" Nell reminded him as he hurried off for home.

Radar ran down to his dwelling, a little apartment a few blocks from the Order Hall. He spent ten of his fifteen minutes trying to find his swimming trunks, which made him panic a little. Finally he found them, very wrinkled and out of style, in a neglected box of clothes at the bottom of his closet. When he tried them on, he winced at how they looked. They had an embarrassing dog print all over them. Still, they were the only pair of swimming trunks he owned, and he was running out of time. He thoroughly applied his sunscreen (SPF 75, a bit of overkill), put his street clothes over his trunks, grabbed a towel, and made a mad dash back to Nell's shop.

"Hi! I'm back," he gasped as he screeched to a stop outside the beach shop. "I'm not late, am I?"

"Late? Nah, I'm chill with people being, like, a couple minutes late." Nell walked out of the shop carrying a picnic basket and wearing a tank top and shorts, presumably over her bathing suit. "It's a bit of a walk down to the beach, 'cha? Hope you don't mind."

"Nope. Nopity nope," Radar said. "It's fine."

"Awesome. You remembered to put on sunscreen, right?"

"Oh, definitely. Gotta protect myself from those UVBs, you know."

"Totally. I, like, don't tan at all. I only burn. It's major ouch."

"What do you use to fix a sunburn, anyway?"

"I use a salve stuff made from aloe plants. Takes the sting right out."

"Nice. Is that the stuff you sell at your shop?"

"Totes."

"How's business been?" The ice seemed to be breaking nicely. "Lots of people at your shop?"

"Yeah, a decent number every week. Wouldn't want to expand the place too much, though. I don't want to get tangled up with the big corporations. Excessive capitalism is, like, such a drag."

"O-okay."

"Relax, buddy, there's no need for a red scare. I just prefer to stick with small business, is all."

Radar didn't really want to hear anything else about economics, so he changed the subject. "Do you go to the beach very often, or just once in a while?"

"Whenever I can, little bro!" Nell chuckled. "The ocean just calls to me. So I go when I have some free time. What about you? You have a day off?"

"Yeah, nobody's at the Order Hall." Radar listed off the reasons why his bosses were gone. "Jesse's with his kid, Petra's tracking down bandits, Jessie and Lukas are on their honeymoon, Ivor and Harper went back to Crown Mesa for a project, Axel is doing a TNT rally, and Olivia's teaching. I have no-one today."

"Aww," Nell cooed when Radar mentioned the honeymoon. "Those two are so cute. I was so stoked when Jessie asked me to a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid before!"

"Don't they have this one saying called 'always a bridesmaid, never a bride?'"

"Oh, yeah, that one. What? Are you, like, asking if I wanted to get married someday?"

Radar shrugged.

"I don't even have a boyfriend, little dude. I think they think I'm scary."

"Scary? Why would you be scary?"

"Eh, some of 'em say I'm a granola girl. I, like, don't even know what that means. I don't like granola."

"It's too crumbly."

"Exactly!"

"Well, I'm sorry they say that. Do you have a crush on anyone?"

"Jesse's kind of cute," Nell admitted, "but he's already with Petra and I totally get that. Wouldn't be cool of me to try taking him away from her. Isn't this kind of a girly thing to talk about, though?"

"You're a girl," Radar pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but you're a dude. And talking about crushes is usually, like, a feminine thing."

"I was just curious."

By now they had reached the edge of town and were well on the way to the Beacontown beach. The air was cooler here from lake effect. Radar nodded to himself, thinking that things were going pretty well so far. Nell was interesting to talk to.

They went down a boardwalk lined with boat-rental booths and hot dog stands.

"The greasy, salty goodness," Radar commented of the hot dogs.

"You hungry?" Nell asked. "'Cause if you are, I could-"

"Nah. Not now at least." He shrugged. "Thanks anyway."

The beach was a wide crescent of sand hugging the turquoise-colored ocean. The water glittered like diamond in the bright sun. A moderate crowd was here today, enjoying the warm weather while it lasted. Radar helped Nell find a good spot to set down their towels, away from the bulk of the crowd and shaded by an thicket of trees. The sun was warm on Radar's skin, but the glare through his glasses was unpleasant. He wished he had remembered to bring sunglasses.

Nell went to the w.c. to change and touch up on her sunscreen. She wore a green one-piece with a tribal-looking print on it. Radar was still embarrassed about his childish-looking swimming trunks, but Nell didn't make any comments. At first, they just sat on the towels and looked out at the ocean, not sure what to do.

"Okay. We're here," Radar said. "Uh...what do we do now?"

Nell shrugged. "That's your choice, little dude. I'm just gonna chill for a couple minutes."

Radar decided to go swimming. He kicked off his shoes and wandered down to the shoreline. He stood there for a minute, watching the turquoise waves roll up and crash against the sand in sprays of foam. No wonder Nell liked the ocean so much. It seemed so open, so free…

"Oh golly gee! Cold!" Radar sprung out of the water, yelping. He sloshed ungracefully though the surf and scrambled out onto the shore again, in a shivering, frazzled mess of foam and seaweed. A group of boys slightly older than him watched it happen, chuckling.

"What a wimp," they said. "Better call Mommy to pick you up and take you home."

"Hey!" Radar stood up. "That's so mean. Leave me alone!"

"Nice shorts, loser," said the one in the lead. "Dog print? Really?"

"It was the only pair I had!" Radar's cheeks started to turn red. That defense, though, only made them laugh at him some more.

Radar shuffled away though the sand to get away from them, retreating back to the towels. Nell was reclining on her towel, reading some book about alternative energy. Radar didn't find that surprising at all.

"What happened, bro?" she asked, looking up from her book. "You were only down by the water a couple minutes."

"I didn't think it would be so cold."

"That's the ocean, dude. It takes a lot longer to heat up water than land. Wait a minute." She squinted. "Why do you look like you've been crying?"

"I got salt water in my eyes," Radar fibbed.

Nell didn't buy it. "Why were you crying?"

"There was this group of boys swimming near I was. They made fun of my shorts and how I'm so small."

"Aww. It's okay, little bro. For some people, the only way for them to feel good about themselves is to drag others down."

"That's...that's actually a really good point." Radar sat down. "Whatcha reading?"

Nell shrugged. "Just, like, a little book on eco-friendly business. I'm all about protecting nature and stuff."

"Reducing your carbon footprint as much as possible?"

"Totally."

Radar sat there quietly for a few more minutes, then announced, "Eh, I think I'll go down by the shore again. This time I won't _dive_ in. I'll just wade in until I'm used to it."

"Good plan," Nell mumbled, mostly focused on her book. "Let me know if the boys bother you again, and I'll make sure they knock it off, 'cha?"

"Okay." Radar marched down to the shoreline, a bit more determined than before. He wasn't going to let cold water or boorish teens ruin his day. Bracing for the cold, he waded into the surf. The waves sloshed against his legs as he made his way, step by step, into the water. The ocean was frigid at first, but as he kept moving, it didn't seem so bad at all. It just took a little getting used to.

"Here's where all those swimming lessons Mom made me attend are going to pay off," he said to himself, as he dared step into a spot just deep enough to lift his feet off the sand bar. He dog-paddled a bit, nervously avoiding the seaweed that was drifting past him in the surf. I don't know if you know this, but having seaweed wrap itself around your leg feels _just_ like getting grabbed in the tentacle of an unspeakable sea monster.

Of course, thinking about the sea monsters was a definite no-no. Radar knew that the more he thought about it, the more he'd convince himself that the Kraken or Leviathan or Scylla or Nessie was waiting for him in the depths. Just like they had when he was a kid!

"Hold on a second," he told himself. "Nessie lives in a lake. She can't get you in the ocean."

 _Or maybe she can!_

Radar's nervous little imagination had gotten the best of him. Suddenly it seemed way too possible that a long-necked, primordial sea dragon was lying in wait to feast on a nervous intern. He started paddling a little more rapidly and making nervous "eep!" noises. Nessie was going to get him! He had to get out of the water _now_!

A wave cranked back and splashed him, dunking him under the water for a second. Radar freaked out and battled his way to the surface, choking and spitting and crying about how he was drowning. He sloshed through the surf towards the shore, only to get knocked down by another wave.

"Why does the ocean have to be so wavy?!" he wailed to the sky. "Nell! Help me!"

Nell thought she heard someone yelling for her. She glanced up from her book and saw Radar thrashing and crying in the shallow water. Apparently he wasn't having a good time swimming.

"Um…" She put her book down and went down to the shore to rescue her little friend.

"Nell! Help me! I'm dying! Help!" Radar flailed his arms and kicked feebly, throwing water and foam everywhere. "Save me!"

Nell calmly paddled up to him, her feet barely lifted off the sand bar. "Radar? Little dude?"

"Save me, Nell, I'm drowning!"

"The water's, like, barely two meters deep," she said. "Can't you swim?"

"Well, yeah, but then I thought about sea monsters and how there's probably one in this ocean, and I got all nervous."

"Radar…"

"It seemed so realistic at the time. And then the waves kept knocking me down when I tried to go back to shore."

Nell took him by the arm and towed him back to shore. Radar flopped dramatically on the sand and started coughing, even though there wasn't any water in his mouth to cough out.

"I'm sorry I ruined your beach day, Nell."

"Eh, it's okay. I guess swimming isn't your thing?"

"I should have just built a sand castle."


	19. Hallowe'en Bash!

**HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY, MCSM! :D**

 **The sun is setting early, the air is crisp, the leaves are orange, and it's time for my second favorite holiday! The NOOTS try to convince Ivor to let them hold a Hallowe'en party at his house. This should be fun.**

 _Timeline: One month after "Radar's Day Off"_

Lately it was getting harder and harder to round up the whole NOOTS for a meeting, but this time, their schedules had worked out. Jesse folded his hands atop the table and glanced around its rotunda, feeling pretty good about himself. It was his idea to get a big, circular table for the New Order; it was their own team Round Table. Due to its shape, they all sat as equals around it, which he thought was a cool mentality. Things had changed, though, since he first got the table. Chairs had to be added and removed; Ivor and Harper required the addition of two chairs, while Em's departure from the Order forced him to remove a seat. Not to mention that they weren't just a group of friends anymore. Now he was looking at adults, married couples, professionals, and would probably soon have to be making room at the table for children.

He totally ruined the solemnity of the moment, though, as soon as he opened his mouth. Classic Jesse.

"Howdy, everyone! Glad you could make it."

 _Could he have thought of a cheesier thing to say?_

He got a bunch of general responses like "Uh-huh. Hi."

"So for once, we actually got everyone together under the same roof. Doesn't happen often. I've got some notes from the past couple of weeks to review."

"Great," Axel mumbled, slumping half-asleep against the table.

"Well, we just have a couple of things we need to talk about as a full Order. Possibly. I mean, it'll have the best punch if we're all together."

"Sure."

"You don't have any faith in me, do you, Axel?"

"Not that. It's just that I-" He yawned (not a flattering sight.) "Kinda tired. Why do we have to hold the meetings so darn early in the morning?"

"It was hard rounding everyone up," Jesse protested. "This won't take too long...I hope. There's something I really want to tell you guys, and I wanted everyone to be here for me to say it."

"You proposed to Petra?" Olivia sat up, eyes twinkling.

Across the table, Petra blushed and hid behind the _Swords Illustrated_ magazine she was reading.

"No! Not that!" Jesse made a flustered face. "What I meant to say is that...ugh! Just let me read my notes and it'll make more sense."

"Whatever you say, bro," Jessie told him. Next to her, Lukas was scribbling down ideas for a new book and not listening to Jesse at all. He tended to tune out the world when he got hit with inspiration.

Jesse fluffed his papers, the notes being a scant two pages long. "Anyway, I just wanted to remind everyone that last month, Radar had a day where there wasn't anyone in the Order Hall for him, except the janitor. That was a major scheduling snag right there. We still don't have a plan for avoiding those in the future."

There were some shrugs around the table.

"Oh, come on, you guys."

"It probably won't happen again," Petra assured him.

"But what if it does? Radar panics when he doesn't know what he's supposed to do."

"Part of the reason why there wasn't anyone there to help was because those two-" she pointed at Lukas and Jessie "-were on their honeymoon, and you only go on a honeymoon once. So it's like I said...probably not going to happen again."

"But-"

"Next question!"

"Fine." Jesse ruffled through his notes some more. "Next thing. We still have some damage left over from when Ivan was setting off explosives in Beacontown. It's been mostly cleaned up, but there are still a few pot holes...plus, it's been a long time and no-one bothered to change the town sign after that twerp vandalized it! It still says Bacontown! That's really pushing the wrong buttons on me!"

"Heh-heh. Bacontown," Petra said with a giggle.

"It's not funny, Petra!" Jesse protested, looking like he was about to cry. Petra stopped right away. The whole "bacon" thing probably reminded him of Reuben and upset him. Poor guy.

"So anyway, can I get someone to volunteer to fix the potholes? Or should I recruit someone from town instead?"

Surprisingly, Axel raised his hand.

"Axel? I thought you liked breaking things, not fixing stuff."

Axel shrugged. "I guess you need a handyman. I mean, you can't break stuff all the time."

"Okay, thanks, man." Jesse nodded at him. "Whenever you've got the time. Anyway, now that those two things are...more or less taken care of, let me get to the fun part."

"Like how you proposed to Petra?" Olivia got all starry-eyed again.

"No!" Jesse yelled. "I told you, it's not that!"

Olivia slumped in her chair, disappointed. "Then what is it?"

Jesse showed them a calendar drawn on one of his notes pages. "We're well into October now. It's one of my favorite months, and I think it's time we did something as a family-err, I mean, team."

"It's okay, sweetie," Harper said. "You can call us a family. We're more and more becoming one."

Jesse smiled. "Thanks. Anyway, what I was thinking of was doing a team party at the end of the month!"

"Why at the end of the month?" Ivor questioned. "That's oddly specific."

"Haven't you guys been paying attention to the calendar? Last day of the month is a holiday! Did you forget what October 31st is?"

"Reformation Day?" Petra offered.

"That's for Lutherans!" Jessie scoffed. "For crying out loud, Petra, he's talking about Hallowe'en."

"Right," Jesse said. "Hallowe'en is just around the corner, and I thought that it would be super cool if we had a team party. So if you guys could clear your calendars for the 31st…"

"But where would we hold it?" Olivia asked.

"That's easy. We could have it at Ivor's house."

Ivor glanced up from reading a book at the table. "Wait, what did you say?"

"That's not a no," Axel pointed out. Axel had a thing where not saying "no" was basically the same thing as saying "yes." It got him into trouble plenty of times, needless to say.

"Okay-dokee!" Jesse clapped his hands together. "Thanks for the big help, Ivor."

"Huh? What did I do?" Ivor looked at his wife for help. "Harper, what's he talking about?"

"Something about how he wants to hold a Hallowe'en party at the Pad," Harper explained.

"I never agreed to that! I loathe parties."

"Denial! Everyone likes some kind of a party," Jesse insisted.

"Exactly. His favorite kind are pity parties," Petra teased.

"That's enough," Harper chided, putting a stop to teasing the team dad. "Let him have a chance to say yes or no."

"Come on, Ivor!" Jessie pleaded. "It'll be fun. Hallowe'en is my second favorite holiday!"

"Yeah, I like it too!" Petra and Axel chimed in.

"I'm used to Reformation Day but Hallowe'en is okay, I guess!" Petra added.

Ivor sighed. "I'm not going to get out of this, am I?"

"Nope!" Jesse said cheerfully, a big cheesy smile on his cute mug.

Harper shrugged. "I think it may be fun. It only comes once a year. Probably won't be that big of a bother to hold a little party...no, not at all."

" _Et tu_ , Harper? Even my own other half has turned against me?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's not like you have to invite the entire neighborhood."

"Hmph...Do I at least get to scare away trick-or-treaters? I don't want to hand out candy."

"Umm…" Harper was a little afraid to ask him how he planned to scare away the kids.

He picked up on her discomfort. "I was thinking that you could rig up a monster on a string, and we could drop it on the trick-or-treaters as soon as they get to the door. You could put sound effects on it and everything."

" _Or_ we could just leave our lights off," she suggested instead. "That's the universal sign that trick-or-treaters are not welcome."

"Oh. Right."

"I'll handle all the food preparations," Olivia offered, raising her hand as if she was in school.

"What would you make for a Hallowe'en party?" Jessie asked. "I know cookies are a must, but what else would there be? I'm drawing blanks."

Olivia said nothing, but raised a declarative finger with one hand and whisked out her October copy of a women's magazine with the other. The front cover advertised a bevy of cutesy Hallowe'en treats. Ironically, the other cover feature yelled something about how you could lose 18 pounds by the end of the month. Typical women's magazine.

"Pretzel skeletons, witch's brew, black cat cupcakes, graveyard brownies," she listed off.

"Point taken," Jessie interrupted. "Thanks, Olivia."

"So it's agreed!" Jesse clapped his hands like a happy little kid. "Awesome sauce! I can't wait to have a team party. It's gonna be great. Candy city!"

* * *

 _October 31st_

"Okay, Petra, that's quite enough." Ivor grimaced at what had become of his living room. "You're making my house look like a mass grave."

"That's the idea!" Petra strung up yet another spooky plastic skeleton from the ceiling. "Hallowe'en is about getting scared for no reason, and there's nothing to unsettle you like a room full of fake skeletons!"

"Okay, but you have to clean them up afterwards. You hear that, young lady?"

"Yeah, yeah. Fine. Did you see where Jessie went? She was supposed to be helping me. Where'd she go?"

"I think she went to the kitchen to make the food with Olivia," Ivor replied. "I guess she changed her mind on what to do."

"But who's gonna hang up the giant spiderwebs?" Petra whined.

"Oh, no. What a tragedy." Ivor hated spiders. "I guess you'll just have to pass on those this year."

"I'm gonna find her! She agreed to help me!" Petra stormed off to go find Jessie. The next room over was the kitchen, where Olivia was mixing punch and arguing with Axel.

"More lemon," Axel whined. "The stuff is too sweet."

Olivia taste-tested it. "Seems fine to me. I don't like lemon that much."

"Sweet is boring. I want something with kick."

"Yeah? It's called punch, not kick."

"Touche. Can I eat the cookies yet?"

"Not now, Axel."

"Hey." Petra inserted herself into the conversation. "Have you guys seen Jessie?"

"Uh, she was here just a little while ago," Olivia said, distracted by shooing Axel away from the freshly prepared snacks. "She helped me take the cookies out of the oven, and then she disappeared. Don't know where she went."

"She only helped you take the cookies out of the oven?"

Olivia shrugged. "She seemed distracted. Kind of nervous, too. I can't imagine what was bothering her."

"That's weird."

"Sure. Hey, want to see the batch I just baked? They're shaped like little bats. Isn't that precious?"

"Yeah, sure, really nice," Petra said, distracted. "What about Lukas?"

"Don't know, but he's probably with Jessie. Sorry I wasn't paying more attention, Peets. I had a lot of snacks to make."

"Fine. I guess I'll catch up with her later. What did you all make, anyway?"

Olivia gestured to the counter behind her. It was loaded with goodies: bat-shaped cookies, a cauldron of punch, cheese cubes, pretzels, and of course lots of candy. Petra swiped a handful of her favorites, lemon drops, and slipped them into her pocket before Olivia noticed.

Petra continued to wander around the house in search of her friends. Eventually she found them in the fireplace room, stringing up paper ghosts and cutouts of black cats. They were chatting and giggling with each other like the adorable married couple that they were.

"So you really believed that the Great Pumpkin was real?" Jessie was asking Lukas.

"Mmmhmm. Spent Hallowe'en night in the pumpkin patch when I was eight. Mom was mad at me when she found out. I had told her I was trick or treating, but then she found me sitting with the pumpkins at nine p.m. She almost grounded me from going trick-or-treating the next year."

"Story time?" Petra asked as she wandered into the room. "Wait...Lukas believed in the Great Pumpkin?"

"I was very sincere about it!"

* * *

After house decorating, visiting, and snack consumption, the mood was starting to wind down. Jesse was desperate to pick it back up again. He flagged down his friends and tried to herd everyone into the den. This was how he rallied everyone:

"Oh! I know. We could open presents," Jesse suggested. "Come on, I saw them in the den. It will be fun to sit in a circle and take turns unwrapping. It'll be just like Christmas!"

"What presents?" Olivia asked as they walked into the den. "I don't see any."

"Those." He pointed. "I think someone mixed up the holidays, but hey, who's gonna complain about getting a gift?"

A small pile of wrapped presents lay in one corner. No-one really knew how they got there. Perhaps one of them had gotten a little ahead of themselves and mixed up Christmas with Hallowe'en.

Petra elbowed Ivor in the ribs. "One of them is addressed to you. You should open it."

"Do I have to? I don't even know what it is."

"That's the point. Rip it open. We want to see what's inside."

Ivor picked up the box; it was a short, flat box wrapped in silver paper. First he attacked the paper on the corners, tearing it away. Then he slipped the rest of the wrapping off, shucking it like a corn cob. Underneath was a plain white garment box.

"I think it may be some article of clothing," he reported.

"Open it up." Olivia twiddled her thumbs. "We want to know what it is."

As everyone watched with bated breath, Ivor removed the cover from the box and lifted out a white T-shirt. From his vantage point, he couldn't see the front of the shirt. So he had no idea why the kids were suddenly snickering.

"What's so funny?"

"Have a look at the front," Jesse said, audibly holding back his laughter. "Oh, that's too funny."

Ivor dared a look at the front of his T-shirt. "FOXY GRANDPA" blazed across it in bold red letters. Almost as red as Ivor's face got just then.

"Who gave me this?!"

Shrugs and "I don't knows" all around.

"It must have been one of you," he insisted. "Harper would not get me a tacky novelty T-shirt as a Hallowe'en present."

Jesse winked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes!" He threw the novelty shirt at Jesse. "Take this back to the store."

"I didn't buy it."

"Then have Petra return it."

"Hey, don't pin this one on me." Petra unwrapped a lemon drop and set it on her tongue. "I don't visit the clothes store unless it's absolutely necessary."

Ivor's next suspect was…

"I know what you're thinking," Axel said as he ate a piece of cheese, "but I totally didn't buy that. I don't give out gag gifts."

"You don't give out _any_ gifts," Olivia retorted. Axel gave her a dirty look.

"Did Jessie and Lukas do it, then?" Ivor crossed his arms. "It had to be one of you children. I know it."

"We just got back from our honeymoon!" Jessie defended. "Lukey and I didn't have any time to go clothes shopping."

"I guess the world shall never know," Lukas added.

"Come on, Ivor, be a good sport." Harper took the T-shirt from Jesse and gently folded it up. "Someone gave it to you, and it might hurt their feelings if you reject it. Besides, it's a cute little thing."

"I am not a foxy grandpa! I don't even know what that means. I'm not a grandpa. I'm not even a father."

Everyone gave him a skeptical look.

"What? No, I told you. I don't think of you as my children."

"Oh, just admit it already." Jessie chuckled. "Before we get sick of the running gag. Besides, you are a grandpa. Dave, remember?"

"Mmm...I guess so," he admitted. "But still. It's not like I have any other grandchildren. Or will anytime soon."

Jessie folded her hands in her lap and glanced off to the side.

"Well. Anyway," Ivor said, to change the subject, "I think my monster on a string is working. No pesky children have interrupted the festivities all night!"

"That's because I turned the house lights off," Harper said. "No lights on means that a house doesn't want trick or treaters. There wasn't a need to...Wait, you really did install a monster on a string?"

Ivor shrugged. "It was a spur of the moment sort of thing."

"Honey…"

"I like to make overly complicated plans, all right?"

She sighed and put her arm around his shoulders. "That's all right. I do that too."

"We complement each other so well."

"Aww!" Olivia cooed. "So sweet."

Jessie spoke up. "Olivia, I almost forgot to mention it. I think I left the oven door open a little bit so the heat could air out. We'd better shut it sometime."

"Right." Olivia glanced around the room. "Hey, Lukas, would you mind getting it? You're sitting closest to the kitchen."

"Okay." Lukas stood up and trotted over to the kitchen. They heard him open the oven door, but instead of slamming shut, there was a long, thoughtful pause instead.

"What's his deal?" Axel nibbled on a piece of cheese. "It shouldn't be taking him so long to close an oven door, for goodness sakes."

The oven door shut, but with more of a delayed squishing sound than a slam. Lukas came striding out of the kitchen, a piece of bread in his hand and a confused expression on his face.

"Olivia, this bun was already baked." He looked at it in bewilderment. "Why was it in the oven?"

"I didn't put it there." She shrugged. "Jessie was the one who used the oven last. She must have put it there."

Jessie smiled; she knew something her husband didn't. An anticipatory silence hung in the room. Lukas turned to Jessie and walked over to her, still holding the piece of bread.

"Jessie, why did you put a bun in the oven… _oh my gosh!_ " His blue eyes grew huge when he realized it.

"You helped," Jessie said with a wink.

Olivia fangirl screamed. "I can't believe it! It's actually happening! I'm so happy for you two! Aiee!"

"Congrats, sis!" Jesse cheered.

"I don't get it," ever-dense Axel muttered. Petra rolled her eyes and explained to him what a bun in the oven means. His ears got really pink, but Petra gave him a death stare before he could blurt out the obvious.

Jessie and Lukas were too busy hugging and crying happy tears to hear any of the compliments. Lukas dabbed at his eyes with a hanky and babbled joyfully about how he was going to be a dad.

"I love you so much!" he wailed, hugging Jessie tightly.

She patted him on the back. "Love you too, honey."

Well, in light of that, who could focus on any of the other presents? The gang soon had to disband to go home, but that didn't dampen the mood. They said their goodbyes, wished luck to Lukas and Jessie, and then went on their separate ways. Hopefully they'd get to meet up as a whole again, sometime soon. In the meantime, they had the memory of an amusing party in mind.

"See?" Jessie asked as she and Lukas walked home, hand in hand. "This is why Hallowe'en is my second favorite holiday."


	20. Sidewalk Hop

**How many times can Jessie get interrupted in one day?**

 _Timeline: One month after "Hallowe'en Bash!"_

Every time Jessie just wanted to run some errands in Beacontown, she always got interrupted by people requesting heroics. She supposed that was a natural consequence of being Hero in Residence of the town, but still. Every now and then she needed to get some domestic duties taken care of. But there was always one more petty thief to catch, one more vandalization to clean up, one more little old lady that needed help crossing the street.

Jessie pondered this as she put on fresh clothes in preparation for another exciting day as Hero in Residence. It was strange...her days as a nobody felt like a faded memory. She was starting to forget what it was like to be anonymous. She hoped that wasn't a sign of a swollen ego. Jessie _hated_ arrogant jerks, and becoming one was a prime fear for her.

She glanced down at her midsection, which was a bit rounder than it had been two months ago. Two months down, seven to go. Maybe motherhood would be an exercise in humility. After all, how conceited can someone feel while changing a dirty nappy?

A snore issued from the bedroom, making her suddenly realize that she was prepping alone. Even though he worked from home, Lukas usually was up at the same time as her. It was likely because Jessie made too much noise during her morning routine, but to spare her feelings, Lukas said that it was a cute synchronized-hearts thing. (Whatever that meant.) But today, that wasn't the case.

Jessie finished her toast and returned to the bedroom. Lukas lay on his side, quill tangled in his hair and his latest book hugged to his chest. He'd fallen asleep while writing, apparently. He groggily propped himself up, wiped the drool off his mouth, and attempted to liberate the quill from his hair. A sleeping beauty, he wasn't.

She crossed her arms. "Lukas. What are you doing still in bed?"

"I stayed up too late last night," he mumbled. "Writing. Inspiration."

This was a somewhat common occurrence in the Lukessie residence. When Lukas hit a burst of inspiration while writing, he'd get sucked into his work and write until the wee hours of the night. Perhaps you can relate.

"It's all right," she said. "Just make sure you get your sleep tonight, okay?"

"Mmm-hmm. Hey, do the townspeople know about…"

"I haven't leaked the news yet."

"When you do, take it slow." He yawned. "They'll freak out."

"I can imagine. Remember when they first got the news that we were getting married?"

He chuckled. "Yeah. That was great. I had no idea so many people shipped us."

"Speaking of ideas, do you have any for baby names?"

"Uhh...not at the moment. Let me know if you think of any."

"Okay. I'd better get going, then." She kissed him atop the head. "Sleep tight."

"Mmm. Thanks." He turned over and pulled the covers over him. "Love you."

Normally, Jessie didn't wear her armor unless she was on a mission. Today was a chill autumn day, so she pulled on a light jacket over her T-shirt and overalls. It was a short walk from her house to Beacontown, and a scenic one was well. A line of trees flanked the path to town. Their fiery-colored leaves ruffled in the breeze. Somewhere nearby, someone had a wood stove going, and its scent carried on the air. Besides the wind, there wasn't a sound. So peaceful. So thoughtful.

"I wonder what would happen if I disguised myself and pretended to be an ordinary citizen for a day," she mused as Beacontown came into view. "Maybe I could do that one of these days. Leave Jesse in charge for a day, and…"

Jessie trailed off as she entered town. Beacontown was already hoppin'. It would be a challenge to get to the Order Hall without being stopped by fans or citizens. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she actually managed to sneak past the crowds. She had barely gotten onto the main street when she got intercepted by a group of excited fans.

"Hi, Jessie!" they said.

"Hey," she responded, waving.

One of the fans, a lady with a long braid, stepped forward. "We just wanted to offer you our congratulations. A baby! How exciting."

"Aw, thanks."

"What are you going to name it?"

" _Them_ ," Jessie corrected. "Don't call my baby an 'it,' please."

"Sorry…" The lady smiled sheepishly. "But in all seriousness, do you have any name ideas?"

"We haven't picked any out, yet."

"How about the name Jesse?"

"I don't want to name them after myself...or my brother. But thanks, anyway."

Jessie gently pushed past them and continued on her way. This was a repeated show as she went down the sidewalk. Every person who passed her by wanted to give their congratulations for the baby. _Every single one_.

"You're famous already," she told her unborn child, chuckling. "I can't wait for you to meet everyone."

About fifteen minutes into her walk, she ran into her brother. Literally. Jesse was heading down the sidewalk, carrying a small box and not watching where he was going, and he bumped right into her at a corner. Luckily, it was only a light impact. They both staggered back a step, and Jesse dropped his box.

"Whoops!" he said. "Oh, hey, sis. What'cha doing?"

"Running errands." Jessie picked up the box and handed it to him. "What's this?"

"I was just about to come get you about the box, actually." Jesse wouldn't let her give it back to him. "Keep that. It's some package Petra ordered. I was going to drop it off to her."

"Then why are you giving it to me?"

"Ivor thinks that someone has been lurking around the Pad and eyeing up his potions. He wants me to investigate."

"He thinks that someone's going to steal his potions?"

"Yeah. So can you drop that off for me?"

"Where do you want it?"

"Eh, put it by her storage space in the Order Hall. She'll find it after she comes back from her mission with Dave. They were helping fend off a bandit attack."

Jessie looked horrified. "Dave was with her?! Why is she letting a nine-year-old help her fight bandits?"

"She wants him to learn how to fight. What? Don't look at me like that. She'll keep him from doing anything too dangerous...I think."

"Ughh. I guess I can't judge someone else's parenting but...sheesh! Seems a bit dangerous."

"I just said she won't let him do anything really dangerous."

"Fine. Not much we can do about it right now, anyway. I'll drop off the package for you."

"Thanks, sis. Hey, any name ideas yet?"

"No." Jessie was getting a little tired of being asked that question. "I'll let you know if I think of anything. And no, I'm not going to name them 'Jesse.' That's way too confusing."

Jesse frowned. His idea had been defeated before he could even verbalize it.

"Take care, bro. I'll talk to you later." She tucked the package under her arm and went on her way.

She was going to start her list of errands, but now she needed to drop off the package. Whatever was inside the box was fairly light, and it rattled around inside its cardboard confines. Jessie was tempted to peel off the tape and peek inside, but she respected her friend's privacy. She just hoped it wasn't anything weird.

After getting stopped by fans at least a dozen more times, being offered babysitting services by almost every teen she met on the street, and receiving a plethora of name suggestions, Jessie finally reached the Order Hall. She heaved open the heavy doors and slammed them shut behind her.

"Phew," she said. "So many fans. So much attention. I'd rather sign loads of autographs than get all those name suggestions."

"Oh, the fans found out, didn't they?" Olivia walked into the room, carrying a redstone repeater.

"Yep. Who told them? Lukas and I never made any announcements."

"I think it was Jesse. He just couldn't keep a secret."

"That little snitch! I was gonna make a really cute pregnancy announcement to the town! But no...he just had to blab it to everyone."

"Sorry."

"And now he's having me run errands for him. Feh!" Jessie marched over to Petra's storage box and dumped the package inside. "I don't know what it is. I didn't look inside. I'm just dropping it off to Petra for him."

Olivia's eyes got all sparkly. "Maybe it's an engagement ring!"

"Erm...I don't think so. She ordered it."

The sparkles disappeared. "Oh. Okay."

There was a small, muffled explosion from somewhere in the Order Hall. Axel emerged from a side room, ash all over his face and clothes.

"Whoa!" he said. "I guess that dynamite stick was still good, after all."

"Axel! What have I told you?" Olivia fumed. "Don't set off explosives in the Hall!"

He ignored her. "Jessie, uh...Can you tell Radar to do some repairs in my room?"

"What were you doing?" Jessie handed him a hanky to wipe his face.

"I found an old dynamite stick while I was going through my stuff...I didn't know if it was any good yet. It was still good, by the way."

"Clearly."

"Hey, I think you should check out the Treasure Room," he said, eager to change the subject. "There's stuff for you and Lukas."

"There is? What kind of stuff? Documents to sign, evidence bags…"

"No. Presents."

"Presents?"

"Yeah. People kept coming in and dropping stuff off yesterday. Enough talking; I wanna show you."

He sort of pushed everyone into the treasure room. Olivia tripped over the hem of her red lab-coat, but Jessie caught her before she faceplanted. Axel looked way too pleased with himself as he gestured at the piles and piles of boxes in the room.

"Look at all those presents! It's like Christmas came early!"

"Don't touch them!" Olivia snapped. "They're not for you, Axel."

"I wasn't going to. Sheesh. I wasn't even anywhere near them."

"I know you, Axel. You can't hold yourself back around presents."

While her friends quarreled, Jessie walked up to a stack and picked a box off the top. It was covered in pink and blue wrapping paper. Curious, she removed the wrapping and opened up the present. Inside was a stuffed pig toy, a purple bib, and one of those "baby book" scrapbooks.

"Aww!" she cooed. "They've been dropping off presents for the baby. How thoughtful."

"Speaking of which," Olivia began -

Jessie knew what she was going to ask. "No, we don't have any baby names yet. Lukas and I are still thinking about it."

"I've heard that the most popular name this year is Oliver. I'm just saying, a little boy named Oliver would be a cute thing. What do you think?"

Axel was way less subtle. "Can you name the kid after me? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with gunpowder on top?"

Jessie sighed. "Guys, what if they're a girl?"

"I still think Axel would be a great name," Axel insisted. "I think it would sound good for a boy or for a girl. Say, which _would_ you prefer?"

"Lukas wants a girl. I don't really have a preference." Jessie shrugged. "It's not our choice either way."

"I hope it's a-" Axel got cut off when Olivia gave him a dirty look. "-Never mind, I'm shutting up now."

"Well, it's been great talking to you guys," Jessie said, "but I need to go now. I'll, um, deal with all these presents later. I gotta schedule an ultrasound at the hospital...ugh. Also, some perp vandalized the town sign to say 'Bacontown' again. I need to fix it."

"As soon as they figured out they could make the sign say Bacontown…"

"Yeah, we're going to be dealing with that one over and over again, I'm afraid. Take care, don't set off any more explosives in the Hall...See you later, guys." Jessie waved good-bye to her friends and departed. She chuckled as she thought about Axel and Olivia's bickering. Beacontowners constantly spread a rumor that the pair quarreled so much because they secretly liked each other. Jessie wasn't sure if it was true or not - Olivia was usually too busy squealing about her "ships" to worry about her own romantic life - but maybe there was a smidgen of truth to it.

After stopping by the hospital to schedule her ultrasound, Jessie picked up some paint and stencils from a hardware store to fix the town sign. When Ivan vandalized the sign to say "Bacontown," all the delinquent kids picked up on it, and graffiti was now a regular occurrence. It irritated Jessie to no end.

"Those darn kids," she muttered as she wrenched the lid off the paint can and stirred up the contents. "Beacontown is all about expressing creativity. Why can't they be creative in a _constructive_ way? Ugh, vandalism. Stupid kids messing up the stupid sign-"

"JESSIE!"

"What?" Jessie was about to dip the brush in the paint.

Her brother came running up to her. "Ivor needs you down at the Pad! Pronto!"

"I thought you were investigating the case."

"The perp came! She swiped a couple potions and made off with them...I couldn't act fast enough."

"Why didn't you chase her down?"

"She's fast!"

"But...but…" Jessie dropped the paintbrush. "Fine, I'll catch her. You fix the sign."

Jesse looked at it. "Seriously? Someone made it say 'Bacontown' again?"

"Get ready for a repeated show. What does she look like?"

"Uh...teen, kinda short, real skinny, dark clothes, green bandana. Go that way. Maybe you can ambush her."

"Good eye. Thanks." Jessie took off down the street. She was a pretty fast runner herself. She wasn't quite as fast as usual, having put on a few pounds over the past two months, but she could still run at an impressive pace. The way that Jesse had indicated was a sidewalk lined by fences and Dumpsters. In a few moments, a young person came careening the opposite way. She was a small-bodied person in dark camo-colored clothes, just like Jesse had said. The perp ran and leapt from Dumpster to Dumpster as nimbly as a cat.

But not nimbly enough. Jessie jumped up on the Dumpsters and started doing the same. The perp's eyes went big at the sight of Jessie. Beacontown's Hero in Residence was readily identifiable, even in street clothes. She vaulted over the fence, landing in some stale hay on the other side. Jessie, in hot pursuit, jumped the fence as well.

"Stop!" Jessie commanded.

"No way!" the perp retorted. "Not stopping for you."

"I can make you stop." Jessie lunged and tackled the girl to the ground. She twisted to the side and landed hip-first to protect her unborn child from the impact. It was a painful way to land, but it was necessary. The perp lashed out with punches and kicks, which Jessie struggled to avoid.

"Hey. Chill out. You didn't need to run or fight," Jessie said.

"Let me go! Police brutality!"

"Oh, for the love of-If you have the stolen potions, give them up. Kid, you don't want a criminal record."

"Feh! That old dodger can just make some more. I need them more than he does."

"That 'old dodger' is my father...figure," Jessie replied, catching herself. "Father figure. Hand over Ivor's potions, or I'll get the real cops over here to detain you."

"Get off me first. Ouch. You've put on weight, Jessie."

"I'm pregnant. What did you expect?" Jessie slid off the perp, but kept the girl's hands behind the back.

"I got tackled by a pregnant lady?"

"Don't generalize people, uh…"

"Strabo. My name's Strabo." The girl pulled her green bandana off her lower face. "I suppose you want me to give the stupid potions back, huh?"

"That'd be nice."

Strabo grumbled, then pulled out several glass bottles from the folds of her jacket. She set two green potions and a bottle of random ingredients on the ground. Jessie picked up the contraband and put it away in her own pockets, to be returned to Ivor soon. Strabo still stood stiffly, fists curled.

"I'm not going to sic the cops on you," Jessie said. "I don't like getting kids arrested. Just...just don't steal stuff, okay? People work hard for valuables. It hurts to get it taken away from them."

"Hmph," was Strabo's response to Jessie's moral speech. "Whatever. Congrats on your kid, by the way."

"Thanks."

"When are you due?"

"Sometime in May."

"Nice. Happy birthday to the kiddo, if I'm not around then." Strabo slid her bandanna back up over her lower face, then departed the scene. She left in a sort of half-run, half-hop. Jessie sighed and checked the bottles she'd confiscated from the girl.

"I wonder what kind of potion this is-Oh, mama!" Jessie gasped and quickly stuffed the cork back on the bottle of green potion. "That'll open up your sinuses. I'm not even going to ask about that one."

After examining the confiscated potions, Jessie set off to return them to Ivor. In the part of Beacontown where he lived, a team of gardeners were livening up the sidewalks by installing tree planters. The autumn trees gave the air a delicious, crisp smell.

"Thank you, Jessie," Ivor said as he swept the potions out of her hands. "Pesky children, stealing my handiwork. How rude! Children these days don't have any respect for their elders. Did you take care of her?"

"I talked to her and sent her away."

"You didn't arrest her?"

"She's just a teen, Ivor. I don't want her to have a criminal record already."

"You're too soft. You used to be very hard on crime."

"Well, I'm still going to mark the theft in the records book. I just...I wanted to go easy on her. Sure, she was prickly, but...I don't know. I think I've developing a soft spot for children. Kinda like Petra, you know?"

Petra had become a lot softer on juvenile offenders after adopting David. She tended to get uncharacteristically gooey around babies and small children. She denied her gentle side, but it was still there.

"Look, if she comes here again and tries anything, I'll take action." Jessie put her hands in her pockets. "Besides, you got your potions back, didn't you?"

Ivor crossed his arms and looked off to the side. "Right…Now why couldn't Jesse chase down that delinquent?"

"He said she was 'too fast.' I don't know. I caught up to her just fine."

"What were you doing before he got you to chase her down, anyway?"

"Oh, running errands. A little sidewalk hop."

* * *

Strabo stopped in a field of sun-dried grass at the edge of a forest, well away from the nearby cities of Beacontown and Champion City. She leaned over and rested her hands on her knees, tired from her run. She adjusted her bandana, peeked over her shoulder at Beacontown in the distance, and smirked to herself.

"Saps," she said, chuckling. "You don't tell a perp to hand over stolen items. You find the stuff by frisking 'em!"

In a smooth motion, she reached into a hidden pocket of her jacket and pulled out a small bottle of a pink potion. Too bad Old Man Whatshisname (Ivor?) hadn't specified what was stolen from him. He missed one critical item.

Strabo smirked to herself as she uncorked it and took a sniff of the strawberry-smelling liquid inside. It was an expertly brewed blend. That Ivor guy may have been a stodgy _viejito_ , but he was no slump at brewing.

"Thanks for the potion. I'll need this pretty soon…"


	21. Chips Off the Stone

**Who wants to see the Lukessie baby? We do! We do!**

 _Timeline: About 8 months after "Hallowe'en Bash." No Season 2 AU._

 _Jesse Used: Portal Party Jessie._

"I'm glad you came up with this idea, Petra." Olivia poured some fresh popcorn into a bowl. "You're never too old to have a sleepover party, are you?"

"Nope," Petra said, reaching for a handful. "Girls have to have their night out every once in a while. What I wanted to do was invite us all to a baby shower for Jessie, but no, she didn't want that."

Jessie stood at the other end of the kitchen, reading a parenting book. "I can hear you."

"It would have been fun! We could have played little baby shower games and practiced pinning nappies. I still think you should give us all lessons on how to put a nappy on a baby. In case one of us has to babysit or something."

"Sure, it would've been pretty fun. Maybe I can show you how to do it later."

"How's Lukas been doing? Is he nervous?"

"Um, a little bit. We're both nervous. It's our first time as parents, after all. I have confidence in him, though. He's going to be a great dad."

"Oh, definitely." Olivia nodded. "He's such a sweetheart."

"Can I teach the kiddo how to sword fight?" Petra asked. "Uh-When they're a little older, I mean. Sorry. Thinking ahead too much."

"Nah, it's okay. Lukas is excited for when they're old enough that he can teach them how to shoot a bow and arrow. But for now, we'll enjoy the baby days while they last."

"I want a baby," Olivia said, looking down at the floor in disappointment (over what?)

Petra looked at her funny. "What? You're not even dating anyone, much less married; how could you have a baby?"

"Adoption," Olivia said, hands on her hips. "I could visit the orphanage and adopt a cute baby. Preferably a girl."

"Jessie, she totally has baby fever." Petra tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Do you think it will be worse or better when you let her babysit your kid?"

"I know, I know." Jessie was a little tired of being the center of attention, so she tried to change the subject. "Do you guys want to see if there's anything good on the radio?"

"I don't know. It'll be nice to listen to something without having Axel hogging the radio for his afternoon soap operas."

"He calls them his 'stories,'" Petra said. "I think they're a guilty pleasure for him."

"He cried for two days when John broke up with Marsha on his favorite soap. He kept blubbering to me about how his ship sank."

Petra held back a burst of laughter. "And they pick on us girls for having ships!"

"Let's go see. I think they had an audiobook of _The Wither of Oz_ scheduled for tonight."

"Isn't that book for little kids?"

"No!" Olivia protested as she switched on the radio. "It's actually a high-brow and profound work of political and economic satire. Geez, Petra!"

Petra made an incredulous face, but sat down on the couch by the radio. She balanced the bowl of popcorn in her lap.

"How the heck can something be economic satire? What even is economic satire?"

Olivia's explanation on whatever the heck "economic satire" is, was interrupted by a sudden pained yelp from Jessie.

"Guys!" she yelled from the kitchen. "Call Lukas. NOW!"

It took a split second, but Olivia and Petra realized what was happening. Petra sprang from her seat so quickly that she dumped the popcorn bowl on the floor. Olivia frantically tried to switch to the CB radio so she could call Lukas. Jessie was doubled over in pain, hands on her abdomen. She was having contractions.

"Don't panic," Jessie groaned through the pain. "Panicking is just going to make things worse-Augh!"

"This is why I don't want biological children," Petra said.

"Not helping," Jessie seethed. She didn't know whether she was supposed to lie down or stay standing. All she knew was that she was in a _lot_ of pain right now, and it was only going to get worse before it got better.

Olivia ran into the kitchen, frantic. "I can't get the CB to work!"

"What do you mean, you can't?" Petra demanded.

"I can't reach Lukas's CB. I can't call him."

"We have to call him."

"I just said I can't!"

Another contraction twisted up Jessie's insides. She leaned against a wall and moaned. Meanwhile, Olivia and Petra continued to bicker. Not exactly a good time for doing so.

"Stop freaking me out!"

"You're the one yelling."

"I can't help that I can't get the stupid radio to work."

"Oh, forget it!" Petra threw up her hands. "I'll get him myself. I'll run to the Lukessie house if I have to."

The redhead dashed towards the kitchen door, which led directly outside. To be truthful, she wasn't super keen on running through dark woodlands late at night to get to the Lukessie house from Olivia's place, but she had to do it.

Well, she didn't actually get to do it, because when she opened the door, there was Lukas. He stood right in the doorway. Petra's feet slipped, and she almost fell on her back.

Jessie looked at her husband, dumbfounded. "How did you get here so fast? Nobody called you."

"Uh...fatherly instinct, I guess." Lukas was trying to stay calm, but his hands were shaking. "I sensed that something had happened, so I ran here."

"That's dedication." Jessie hobbled to him. "You sensed right. Lukas, the baby wants out. We have to get to the hospital now."

He had her scooped up in his arms before she could finish her sentence. "Right. I'm so sorry I couldn't get here sooner."

"No, no, it's fine. That was quite fast enough." Jessie winced as she got another contraction. "Just hurry, or I'll be having the baby on Olivia's front porch."

"Hold tight!" Lukas carried her off into the night, making a break for Beacontown. Petra and Olivia watched him leave. Olivia sighed at how gallant Lukas was, and Petra felt a tiny bit jealous.

"Why can't Jesse ever be like that?" she complained. "Jessie gets a knight in silver armor. I have a dork in green suspenders!"

Olivia patted her friend on the back. "There, there. It'll be okay. Someday he'll propose to you. Do you want to listen to the audiobook now?"

"Sure, I guess that will be a way to kill time until we get news," Petra said, "Not my favorite book but-Hey, wait a second! Did you say something about Jesse proposing to me?"

"Uh...No…"

* * *

In a whirlwind of activity, Lukas got Jessie to the Beacontown hospital and put in a nice room to deliver the baby. He sat in a chair next to her hospital bed, held her hand, got that hand crushed to smithereens when the hard labor came on, and tried not to feel bad as she yelled all kinds of labor-pain-induced things at him.

"This is all your fault, Lukas!"

"Why did I agree to this?"

"I'm never getting pregnant again! AAUGH!"

"I have all the freaking rights to name this kid whatever I want! I _earned_ it!"

"Lukas, this is your fault! You did this to me!"

Blondie shrunk down in his seat with each insult from his wife. A nurse came by and handed him a packet of new-parenting resources. Meanwhile, the doctors encouraged Jessie to keep pushing.

"Try not to take it personally," the nurse reassured. "She's in a lot of pain."

Lukas put away the new-parenting packet. "I'm going to have to visit my mother soon and apologize for every time I misbehaved as a kid."

* * *

 _15 hours later…_

"We can't all go to the hospital at once," Ivor said. "We'll crowd the place, and that will stress out Jessie. Lukas will probably be upset, too."

"But that's not fair," Petra insisted. "She's our friend, too. How come you get to go?"

"Because I'm her father." Ivor realized what he said and stammered a bit before recovering. "Erm...yes. Father figure. Anyway, she looks up to me, so I want to be there for her. And Lukas, and the new baby."

"You're going to let Harper come," Axel pointed out. "Why does she get to go and not us? Jessie's known us for way longer than she's known Harper."

"That's because Harper is my wife, and we like to travel together," Ivor said testily. "The rest of you can visit later."

"Those are the unspoken rules, kids," Harper added. "Grandparents first, then the aunts and uncles. That's just how it is."

"Aw, man…" they moaned.

Once the initial disappointment was passed, though, the kids got all giddy thinking about how they were going to be aunts and uncles. Axel started scribbling a list of things he'd do to secure his spot as Cool Uncle. And most of them, as you can probably surmise, involved explosives, fire, or fiery explosives. Petra and Olivia joined hands like schoolgirls and bounced up and down in excitement.

"Dibs on being godmother!" Olivia declared.

Petra scowled. "What? No fair! You got to be maid of honor at their wedding. I want to be godmother."

"I'm more excited about the baby than you are."

"That's not how they pick who should be godmother!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you don't get to choose anyway."

"Neither do you."

"Touché."

"The suspense is gonna kill me," Axel complained. "I want to meet my nephew. Or niece. Preferably nephew."

Olivia snorted. " _I_ want a niece."

"Gender doesn't mean that much," Petra declared rather boldly. "I'm happy as long as Dave has a cousin."

Radar burst into the room suddenly. His hair was a mess, and his glasses sat askew on his nose. A trail of stray papers followed in his wake, having fallen off of his clipboard.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh golly gee I'm freaking out here!" he babbled. "Jessie went into labor last night! She's at the hospital with Lukas!"

"We know," Petra said. "We were just about go, but then-"

Radar rushed forward and grabbed the front of Petra's shirt, pulling her close. "Is Jessie okay? She's not having any-gulp!- _complications_ , is she? What if-what if she gets sick, or...oh no! What if the baby's a stillborn?! Or-or-oh gosh, I can hardly say it-what if she dies giving birth?! I can't let it happen!"

"Radar?"

"I'd never forgive myself! It'd be all my fault."

"Radar."

"We're talking _lifelong depression_ here. A black hole of despair-"

"RADAR!" everyone else yelled. Axel peeled Radar off of Petra.

"You're way overthinking it," Petra said. "Calm down. Jessie's fine. The baby's fine. Lukas is fine.. They're at the hospital, they have good doctors helping them, and everything's going to be okay."

Radar wilted. "Sorry."

"It's okay." The redhead patted him on the shoulder. "I can understand why you're anxious. It _is_ something exciting."

Ivor checked his clock. "Harper and I had better get going. Kids, hold down the fort while we're gone, all right?"

Olivia elbowed Petra. "Did you hear that? Ivor says we're his kids. He really does think of us as a family!"

"Whup!" Ivor hastily turned aside from the group and grabbed his cloak off a hook on the wall. "Running late-should really get going-Harper, are you coming?"

"Yes, honey," Harper said, shooing him out the door. "Goodness gracious. That's becoming such a running gag with this family. Say, why aren't you wearing your Foxy Grandpa T-shirt? That would fit the circumstances."

"I'm not a grandpa!"

"Sure, Ivor."

* * *

Lukas held Jessie's hand with his own bandage-wrapped one. Her forehead was slick with sweat, and her hair was a mess. They'd spent 15 hours in the delivery room so far. While Jessie was between bouts of labor, Lukas had called his mother on the hospital CB and apologized for misbehaving as a child. He started to understand what a mother goes through. And oh, he had so much more to learn. Both he and Jessie did.

"Big push!" the doctor encouraged her. "You can do it. One more push. You're almost there!"

"Come on, Jessie, you can do it," Lukas said. "You're Jessie, remember?"

Jessie cried out in pain. It was quieter than before, since her voice was quite hoarse by now. Just when she thought that she would need a C-section…

"Ah-ha! Congratulations!"

Jessie looked up as best as she could.

"They're a boy. A healthy little baby boy."

Jessie sighed in relief.

"You did it, Jessie. You actually did it!" Lukas kissed her hand. "I'm so proud of you."

The doctor handed Jessie their newborn son, cleaned off and wrapped in a fluffy pink blanket. He wasn't exactly _cute_ , because newborn babies rarely are, but Jessie stared at the boy like he was the most precious thing in the world. Which he was to her.

"I'm a mom!" she declared happily.

"I'm a dad!" Lukas couldn't stop smiling.

"We're parents!" they said in unison. "I love you."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you when I was in labor."

"No, I get it. You were in pain. I had the easy part. All I had to do was hold your hand."

They sat there in silence for some time, just appreciating the moment. They didn't feel like anything needed to be said. The newborn baby's cries quieted down as he adjusted to being out of the womb. His skin was tan, a blend of Jessie's dark skin and Lukas's paleness. He had the beginnings of dark brown hair. His eyes remained shut, however, so his eye color couldn't be determined yet. He looked like just the right blend of his parents' genes.

"Do you remember what names we wanted for a boy?" Jessie asked Lukas after a while.

"Hmm…" Lukas thought back to the baby-name discussion from a few months ago. "Trying to remember. I know you mentioned maybe naming them in honor of Reuben."

"Possibly," Jessie replied. "Didn't you say you liked Harvey?"

"I do like Harvey. What about you?"

"It's cute. Um...which other ones did we mention?"

"Henry, Zion, Daniel, Creed, Timothy...We had a lot, actually."

"Hmm." Jessie cuddled her son close. "I want him to have a unique name."

"Right. Something that will make him confident. Make him feel like his own man. That's why I don't want to name him after one of our friends."

"I was thinking…"

"Yes?"

"Do you like the name Ezekiel?"

Lukas nodded slowly. "Yeah...yeah, I do like it. It sounds strong."

"Noble, too."

"It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"So yes on the name, then?"

"Yep. Ezekiel it is! We'll call him Zeke for short."

"Zeke. I like that."

Jessie handed the newly-named Ezekiel to Lukas. Lukas huddled the blankets and the baby in his arms. He couldn't stop staring at his son in wonderment.

"Precious peanut," he murmured. "I love you."

Zeke squirmed in the blankets, then reached out a tiny hand at Lukas. He bopped his father right on the nose. Lukas blinked in surprise, then giggled. It hadn't hurt. It was just cute.

"I think he has your sass, honey," he said to Jessie.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, he isn't even an hour old yet and he's already socked his dad on the nose. That's something, isn't it?"

"Wow. Okay. Here, do you want me to take him back?"

"No, I'm fine. Don't hold the baby too close to your face, I guess."

"You're going to be a great dad, you know that? I can tell already." Jessie settled into the bed. She was exhausted from the ordeal of bringing Zeke into the world, and now she wanted to rest.

"Aww, thanks." He blushed a little. "You're going to be, like, the coolest mom ever. Not every kid gets to have a Witherstorm-slaying, portal-hopping, sword-swinging, evil-defeating hero for a mother."

"Lukas, stop flattering me."

"It's not flattery if it's true!"

"Okay, but aren't you going to say anything about his universally friendly, novel-writing, marksman father?"

"Nah, I'd leave that to you." He winked. "Wouldn't want to get too puffy."

"Just imagine what it's going to be like raising Zeke with the New Order. They'll love him so much! I can't wait to introduce him to everyone."

"I can't wait, either. Ivor, Harper, Axel, Olivia, Petra, Jesse, Dave, and Radar. The craziest, coolest family a kid could ask for."

"They'll look after him, teach him…"

"Just like we will." He held her hand. "I know I said it earlier, but I'm so proud of you. Thanks, Jessie."

"Thank you, too."

"For what?"

"For being there. Loyal as always."

"How could I not be? I made a promise to you that I would stay by your side no matter what. And I don't intend on going back on that promise."

"Neither do I. Just like I said: I will protect, I will forgive, I will persevere."

Jessie wished she could take a picture of this moment, and she had a feeling that Lukas shared the sentiment. They had a new son and renewed promises to each other. Ezekiel had a family who loved him. And everyone involved had a bright future. Just as they should.


	22. Petra's Babysitting Service

**Haven't done a Petra centric for a while sooo...**

 **Teehehehehe...Who's ready for some family fluff?**

 _Four months after "Chips off the Stone"_

Dave climbed out of his tent, smoothed down his wild hair, and headed toward the fire-pit to get some breakfast. The dew-kissed grass quickly dampened his shoes, and an early-morning mist hung in the air. After getting the coals going, he speared some bread on a stick and held it over the fire.

"I wish we had a toaster," he muttered. Struggles of a kid who spent half his time living with his nomadic mom. Other times, he lived with his scatterbrained dad. It was just a weird situation for him all the way through.

Just then, Petra emerged from her own tent. Most mornings, Petra oozed out of bed as if she'd somehow lost her spine during the night. But today, she pranced out to the fire-pit, sashaying and humming a show tune. She greeted her son with a flowery "hello, sweetheart!" and set about cutting up fruit for breakfast.

He stared in horror. "Who are you and what have you done with Mom?"

He didn't know who this Mary Poppins prancing around the campsite was, and it was freaking him the heck out.

"I don't know who you are," he said, "but you're definitely not Petra. Mom comes crawling out of bed at least two hours after this, and she always says "Hi, Dave," to me at breakfast, and what's more, breakfast is always whatever we didn't finish last night for dinner. Who are you, lady?"

"Uh oh. Did I forget to tell you?" Petra stopped dancing around. "I could've sworn I said something two days ago."

Knowing that the question 'did I forget to tell you?' is a precursor to something either horrible or wonderful, Dave treaded carefully. "What was it?"

"We can pack up the tents for a while! We're going back to Beacontown."

"Really?" Dave jumped up. When he did that, he accidentally flung his piece of toast into the nearby woodlands.

"Definitely. Lukas and Jessie want me to babysit Zeke!" Petra fangirl squealed. "I'm so excited. I haven't gotten to hold him since they made me his godmother!"

"Why are you so excited?" Dave didn't get what all the fuss over Zeke was. "He's just a baby. He doesn't do much."

Petra sighed heavily. "You don't appreciate this stuff at your age, Dave. You're only ten. Zeke isn't _just_ a baby. He's my best friends' baby. And he's _so cute_."

" _I'm_ cute!" Dave whined, very hurt. "Don't tell me you like him better than me!"

"I didn't. You're cute, too. You're cute in a different way, that's all. I wouldn't like Zeke better than my own son. Don't be silly."

Dave made a pouty face.

"No, no, let's not make that face. Where's your breakfast?"

Dave looked down and suddenly realized that he didn't have the piece of bread anymore. "Oh no! My toast!"

"You just had it a minute ago. Where did it go?"

Dave one way, then the other, and back again. "I, uh, think I might have tossed it into the woods by mistake."

"Oh. Okay, no big deal. We'll just get you another piece." Petra speared a fresh piece of bread on the stick. She helped Dave hold it over the fire to toast it. Once his toast was done, she set to making her own toast.

"Is Dad gonna help us babysit?" Dave asked.

"Nope. I'll be doing it by myself."

"Can I help?"

"Mmm…" Petra had to think about it. "Maybe. I have to keep an eye on you as well."

"How long are you gonna have to watch Zeke?"

"A couple days."

"Aww...I have to go back to school tomorrow." Dave sighed dramatically. "It's a day off for us."

"Yep."

"But I have to go back tomorrow."

"You have to go. It's the law."

"Well, it's a dumb law. Can you get Jessie to change it?"

Petra laughed and ruffled his hair. "Maybe. We'll see."

After breakfast, Dave helped his mom pack up the tents, then load them on their mules. He had a love/hate relationship with Petra's nomadic lifestyle. On one hand, the sense of adventure from it was awesome. He got to explore the world with her and go on cool missions. But on the other hand, the outdoors could be rough, the sleeping bags were lumpy, sometimes adventures turned dangerous, and the lack of running water and electricity was annoying. Petra said that it was a situation where a person just had to take the bad with the good.

Lukas and Jessie (and now Zeke) lived a small distance from Beacontown, so Petra and Dave skirted the city altogether. Once they looped around its walls and found the path, they guided their mules to the house. One would have thought that Beacontown's Hero in Residence and a renowned architect would have something fancier, but the Lukessie residence was just a small brick house with a flower garden in front. It wasn't impressive, but it was cute.

Petra tied up the mules and went up to the front step with Dave. She was nearly shaking with excitement. Dave smiled, even though his mom's behavior was kind of embarrassing him. To spare her feelings, though, he didn't say anything. Petra knocked on the door and waited eagerly.

Seconds later, Lukas opened the door. "Hi, Petra. Hi, Dave. Are you here for -"

"Yep! To babysit little Zeke!"

"I'm glad you're so excited. Sorry about the short notice. This trip came up unexpectedly and -"

"It's fine. I don't mind at all." Petra tried to look over his shoulder. "Where is he?"

"He's with Jessie and Ivor at the moment."

"Okay, no problem. I can wait and - wait a second. Did you say Ivor was here?"

"Yes. He's visiting. What? He's Zeke's grandpa (even though he'd never admit it.) We weren't going to tell him no."

"Fine. So where are you and Jessie going, anyway?"

"We're going to Redstonia for a couple days to help with an expansion project," Lukas explained. "They want me to sketch out the architecture for the new buildings. Also, Jessie was asked to be a guest speaker at a leadership seminar. We really didn't want to have to leave Zeke at home, but they have a no-babies rule at the college and a construction zone isn't exactly the safest place for a four-month old."

"Gosh. I'm sorry you have to leave," Petra said. "Don't worry. I'll take good care of the peanut."

"I'm sure you will. A lot of people offered to babysit, but we only want to leave him with someone we really trust."

"Does this mean Mom has to stay at the house?" Dave piped up.

"If she wants," Lukas replied. "It would be nice having someone looking after the place while we're gone. It gets kinda dusty if the floors aren't swept every couple of days. What's your plan, Petra?"

"I'll stay at the house. That way, I'll be close to Zeke in case he wakes up in the middle of the night or something."

"Good thinking. Thanks, Petra."

"Yeah, yeah." Petra got all excited again. "Where is he? Where's the peanut? I wanna hold him again!"

Lukas gestured inside. "Living room."

Petra entered the house with bouncy steps, and Lukas shut the door behind her, muttering something about how the baby was making everyone act all weird. Jessie, Ivor, and Zeke were right in the living room. Ivor held his grandson awkwardly while Jessie looked on. Zeke was wrapped up in a green blanket, fast asleep, and totally unaware of his grandfather's discomfort.

"Have you ever held a baby before?" Jessie asked him.

"No, I've never done that. For someone so small, this baby is rather heavy."

"Of course he feels heavy. You're keeping him at arm's length as if he was radioactive or something. Here." Jessie showed him how to hold Zeke correctly. When he did, Zeke let out a contented little gurgle in his sleep.

"I will admit, he is rather cute," Ivor said of Zeke.

Roused by the movement, Zeke sort of woke up. He reached out a tiny hand, poking Ivor in the face. A silence fell over the room as Ivor stood still, not sure how to react. Nobody knew what to say.

Sounding more upset than he'd like to admit, Ivor said, "Jessie! Zeke's pulling on my hair. He hates me!"

"No," Jessie insisted. "He's just getting to know you better. Come on, you know he loves you."

"That's an odd way of showing it!"

"So...we've got to, um, finish packing for the trip." Lukas said, changing the subject. "Right, Jessie? I always forget to pack extra socks."

Jessie was a little confused at first; then she realized what he meant. "That's right, Lukas! Petra, can you do us a little favor and unpack some of the boxes in Zeke's room? We got _way_ too many presents for the baby, and we could use some help sorting through them."

"Oh, sure. No problem!" Petra trotted off to go do that. Mostly, they just needed to get her out of the room. With Ivor still confused, Lukas and Jessie went to their own bedroom to finish packing. Or so they claimed. What they actually did was hide to secretly watch what Ivor would do.

"Shh," Jessie said to Lukas. "See what he does."

Ivor looked down at Zeke, who squirmed in the blankets and let out a little coo of contentment. It was hard to tell what he was thinking. He looked one way and then the other, perhaps checking to see if the others were gone, and then he let a small smile cross his countenance.

"I love you too," he told his grandson.

Lukas had to cram his hand over his mouth to keep from letting out an excited squeal. Jessie grinned from ear to ear. Lukas mouthed to her, _That's so cute!_

Well, at least he meant to mouth it. Lukas wasn't very good at mouthing, and he ended up saying it out loud anyway. He blew their cover!

"Gah!" Ivor yelped, having heard that. "Gah-uh-eh...What did you hear?"

The duo slunk out of their hiding-place. "The whole thing. You love him, too. That's so cute!"

"I didn't say that! I...uh...You must have misheard, is all. I said no such thing."

"Ivor…"

"Oh, all right!" Ivor finally threw in the towel. "I can't keep up the facade anymore. I, Ivor, hereby admit that I do, in fact, love my children and that this baby here is my adorable grandson. There. I said it. Are you happy now?"

Jessie smirked and nodded. "Very much so."

Lukas applauded. "Yeah."

Dave wandered through the living room, eating a cookie from the kitchen. "Grown-ups are so weird."

Petra was close behind him. "David! You know you're not supposed to eat cookies before dinner."

While Petra and Dave argued over the cookie, Ivor handed Zeke back to Jessie. "Here. I'd best be on my way."

Jessie huddled her son into her arms. "We should as well. We're supposed to be in Redstonia by this afternoon. Thanks for dropping by...and admitting that you love you kids. It's about time you confessed!"

"D'oy!" Blushing and stammering, Ivor scurried out of the house. Where he went, who knows. He'd be back later. Meanwhile, Lukas dragged their suitcases into the living room. Lukas had a red bag, while Jessie's was pink and blue. Those were sure to not get mixed up in a baggage pile! Jessie broke up the bickering between Petra and Dave to give some final instructions for Zeke.

"Make sure to burp him after he has his formula. Change his nappy regularly. Play with him so he doesn't get bored. Rock him if he cries in the middle of the night," Jessie said, among other things. Dave started writing them down in case Petra forgot. He was a smart kid.

"He's so cute," Petra gushed. "Little Zekey."

"I never thought I'd see you act this way." Jessie chuckled. "You have a soft spot for babies and children, don't you?"

Petra shifted from foot to foot. "Maaaaybe."

"Thanks for stepping up to babysit," Lukas said. "We knew we could count on you. Bye, Petra."

"Bye, sweetheart." Jessie kissed Zeke on the head.

"See you later, Zeke." Lukas fluffed Zeke's tiny tuft of hair. "We love you."

With that, they scooped up their bags, waved good-bye to Petra, and exited the house to go on their way. Petra cuddled Zeke close and sighed happily. This was going to be a great couple of days.

"And the winners of the Cutest Couple of the Year Award go to my friends," she said to no-one in particular. "Let's hope Petra can score the Babysitter of the Year Award, huh?"

Zeke smiled and reached out his little hand at Petra. She gently tapped it with her own.

"Baby high-five!" she cooed at him.

"Mom, I don't know if that's really a thing." Dave ate another cookie from the kitchen. "I don't think they have a Babysitter of the Year Award."

"It's an expression, Dave, and - Why do you have another cookie?"

"Oops."

"David! Have you been raiding their cookie jar?"

"Sorry."

Petra confiscated Dave's cookie and led him into the kitchen so she could make a proper dinner for him. And by "proper dinner," I mean "anything that Petra can make without burning the house down." Petra wasn't exactly a master chef. After seating Zeke in a high chair and Dave in a regular chair at the table, she poked around in the kitchen, looking to see what she had to work with. Afraid that doing it in order was favoring one kid over the other, she tried preparing Zeke's formula and scavenging for Dave's dinner at the same time.

"Hey, mom!" Dave called to her over the din of clattering plates and pans. "How about mac and cheese? When Dad doesn't know what to cook, he makes mac and cheese."

"Okay." Petra found a box of mac in the lazy susan and set it on the counter. "Didn't plan on making filet mignon, anyway. Do you want it plain or with hot dogs?"

"Plain," he replied.

Petra was relieved that Dave only wanted mac and cheese for dinner. She had a pot of bubbling water ready in no time, and checked on the cooking noodles while she prepped Zeke's formula. She'd never made baby formula before, and it took her a couple tries to get it right.

"Oh, don't fail," she muttered as she mixed up the third attempt. Zeke fidgeted in his high chair and made grunty noises. Petra had given him his toys to keep him occupied, but he lost interest in them as he got hungrier. Petra figured that she had maybe half a minute before the crying started.

"Stay cool, Petra. Stay calm and you won't mess this one up...Three, two, one-" She smacked the cap on the bottle and whisked it over to Zeke. "There! Bottle! I did it."

Petra avoided the disaster in the nick of time. Zeke had just taken a deep breath to sing the song of his people. But now he had his bottle, so all was right in the world again.

But then the water in the pot boiled over!

"Oh, no!" Petra glanced between Zeke and the overflowing pot, not sure what to do. She needed to move it off the burner, but at the same time, Zeke would start crying if she took away his formula.

"Do you need help, Mom?" Dave asked, still staring at an empty bowl. "Oh, should I move the pot off the stove-"

"Don't you dare!" Petra snapped at him. "You know you're too young to be by a stove. Come over here and feed Zeke while I handle it. Hold his bottle."

"Okay. Okay." A bit frazzled, Dave rose from his seat and went over to help. He held the bottle for his cousin while Petra scurried over to deal with the boil-over. She moved the pot off the burner, but couldn't do anything about the water yet. Don't try to wipe spilled water off a hot burner. That will never end well. She could only cross her fingers and hope it would evaporate quickly.

"Here I was worried that babysitting would be a little boring," she said to herself, "but now I've found it's a bit too exciting!"

"Mo-om! I'm hungry!" Dave whined. "How come Zeke gets to eat before I do? I'm your son. He's your nephew. I should get to eat first."

"Shush, Dave. I know you're hungry. Whining won't get the mac and cheese done any faster. See, it's almost ready anyway." She ripped open the packet of powdered cheese stuff and mixed it in with the noodles.

While mixing in the cheese, she glanced out the kitchen window. Outside lay a good view of the backyard, a small patch of grass framed by wood fence, and the countryside beyond. What a nice, idyllic little view. Jessie planted a bed of daisies in the backyard, and Lukas had made a veggie garden to grow potatoes. They had good taste in location.

"Maybe someday I'll settle down and have a house," Petra mused. She scooped the mac and cheese into David's awaiting bowl, then carried the pot back to the kitchen to put away the leftovers. She looked out the window again as she did that.

A small ways away from the house, a group of people were walking down a country road. That wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Travelers were a common sight. It wasn't until she took a second glance that she noticed something strange.

The girl at the end of the group, lagging a few steps behind the others, wore dark clothes and a green bandanna. Suddenly, it clicked. She remembered the warnings Jessie had given Petra about that girl.

Her eyes widened. "Strabo. That's Strabo. What is she doing around here again?"

Petra drew a sharp breath and pulled the curtains over the window. The New Order occasionally found Strabo poking around Beacontown. Something was very off about the surly, delinquent girl. She picked through trash, but also traded (likely stolen) rarities for emeralds in Bad Luck Alley. Whenever she showed up in Beacontown, vendors complained that small items went missing from their shops. Strabo was methodical, though. Jessie suspected that she was plotting something.

Petra pulled the curtains back. Strabo and the travelers were gone. Where they went, she couldn't guess. She sighed a little sigh of relief, hoped that Strabo didn't know this was the Lukessie house, and went back to cleaning dishes.

She paused. "Wait a minute. I hate washing dishes! Phooey!"

Leaving that chore unfinished, something I'd love to do every now and then, she checked on Zeke. Dave bounced Zeke on his lap and giggled. The little hint of envy was gone, now that he realized that his cousin was actually pretty neat. Petra was a little less enthused, though.

"Uhh...Dave?"

"Yeah, mom?"

"Did you start rocking Zeke right after you finished giving him his bottle?"

"Yep." He frowned. "Was I...not supposed to do that?"

"You didn't burp him, did you?" Petra sounded a little worried.

"What does that mean?" Well, there was her answer.

"Uh oh. Dave, you can't play with a baby right after they finish eating..."

"Why not?"

"Because their food didn't settle, so it upsets their little tummy and-"

I think you can infer what happened next.

"Oh, gross!" Dave yelped. "Mom!"

"Um...Ah...Hold on!" Petra ran back to the kitchen. "I'll get a washcloth."

Frantically digging a washcloth out of the cabinet and wetting it, Petra rushed to wipe the mess off her son. Zeke, oblivious to Dave's distress, giggled and cooed. Petra put the baby in the high chair, then toweled off Dave.

"Worst dinner ever!" Dave complained. "Mom, why'd he do that?"

"Because his tummy was upset. I know you're angry, but don't yell at him. He can't help it."

"Stupid baby."

"Hey." She stopped and gave him a hard glare. "Don't say things like that, Dave."

He wilted. "Sorry."

Petra finished cleaning Dave off. And just in time, too, for the most exciting part of the night.

You see, contrary to what some might say, not everyone loved Jessie. There were crooks and spooks and all kinds of miscreants lurking around the world - people who would love to ruin everything for the Hero in Residence and her family. Not every heel needs reason to be one. Do they think they're funny? Do they want to watch the world burn? Who knows, but you came here for a silly story, not philosophical ponderings.

Petra's years of combat experience were about to come in handy. An intruder decided that today was a good day to cause chaos, and he broke through a window to invade the Lukessie house. He was a lanky guy with camo clothes and a cloth over his lower face. He carried a Bag of Kidnapping.

"Ha-ha!" he chuckled. "Imagine how much mommy and daddy will pay to have you back, Ezekiel!"

The heel scooped Zeke out of his high chair and tried to put him in the Bag of Kidnapping. Dave screamed, Petra yelped, and Zeke let out a loud wail.

"Hey!" Dave yelled, jumping out of his chair. "Oh no he didn't!"

Oh, yes he did. And Petra had to act.

In retrospect, the crook was probably lucky that Jessie and Lukas weren't home that day. If they had, his chances of leaving the house alive would have been a bit dubious. Nobody who values his life would try kidnapping Zeke right in front of his parents.

Regardless, Petra was still determined to protect Zeke. She had Miss Butter out in a second. She whipped the sword around in a golden blur to intimidate the intruder.

"Don't. Even. Think. About it," Petra growled.

"Tear 'im to pieces, mom!" Dave cheered.

"I have a sword, too," said the intruder, pulling out a gold sword. It had a faint glow, suggesting a modest enchantment. "Let's go, cupcake."

"What did you just call me?"

"Dude, don't call her by pet names," Dave said. "She hates that."

Petra and the would-be kidnapper circled each other in the living room, swords drawn and flashing in the light. Zeke, meanwhile, continued to cry. He cried during the entire fight. Not that I would blame the peanut. Being pulled out of a chair and almost stuffed into a Bag of Kidnapping would upset anyone.

The crook suddenly went for the first move, lashing out at Petra with his sword. She blocked his attacks easily.

"I've seen better swings on the playground!" Petra taunted.

"Shut up," the crook said, blushing in embarrassment. His hazel eyes narrowed.

"Hiyah!" Now it was Petra's turn. She held back a little, because obviously she had to watch out for Zeke. She made quick stabs with Miss Butter; the kidnapper had to jump from side to side to avoid them.

"Woah! That's playing dirty," the crook remarked. "Are you trying to kill me or something?"

"Depends on what you're trying," she shot back. "What do you want with Zeke?"

He made another swing, which she blocked. "What do you think? I wanna hold this squeaker here for ransom and make a bad time for Jessie and Lukas."

Petra was dumbfounded. "But why? What did they do to you?"

"Me personally? Nothing. But they're _authority figures_ in a world that should be more free, and also, I could use some emeralds in my pocket. I'm a bit broke at the moment."

"I can show you the real meaning of 'broke' when I'm through with you! Let that baby go!" Petra made more rapid slashes. The swords clicked and clashed as they smashed together.

"You don't scare me," the kidnapper boasted, but that was a big ol' lie. Petra was actually terrifying him right now. She was better at sword fighting than he had anticipated. Obviously, she'd had more training than him these past couple years…

"Go, Mom!" Dave cheered. "Smash his bones. Crush him!"

"Your son is rather violent, isn't he?" the kidnapper asked as he blocked a downward slash from Petra.

"He's excited, that's all," she said, parrying his lunge of the blade.

"Hey, mom!" Dave called to Petra as she kept blocking and slashing.

"Yeah, Dave?"

"Can I help fight?"

"No. This is too dangerous. Stay at the table and eat your mac and cheese."

The crook, amused by how Petra could parent and sword fight at the same time, lost his focus a bit. Petra caught him off-guard and kicked the sword right out of his hand. It slid across the floor, out of his immediate reach. He yelped in surprise when he realized that he'd been disarmed. Zeke finally stopped crying; he clapped his teeny hands and giggled instead.

"No fair," the crook whined. "You cheated."

"You kidnapped my best friends' baby!" Petra retorted. "Don't ask me for civility when you're gonna do that."

"Hyaah!" The crook resorted to physical combat instead and pounced at Petra. Hopefully he did it out of adrenaline, because that had to be one of the stupidest ideas Petra had ever witnessed. She leapt forward to meet his attack, was stronger than he expected, and tackled him to the ground. Petra grabbed Zeke and huddled him in her protecting arms, while using her weight to pin down the guy.

"Darn it!" the defeated crook complained.

"Dave, go to town and get the police," Petra called to her son. "Sorry I didn't think to have you do that earlier."

"It's okay, mom." Dave exited, headed on his way to Beacontown. The Lukessie house didn't have a CB radio.

Petra looked down at the guy who tried to kidnap Zeke, specifically at that stupid scarf over his lower face. "Okay, loser. Let's find out who you really are."

He protested, but she ripped off the scarf. It revealed his full face, especially the scar over his eye. Petra put her hand over her mouth when she recognized the platinum blond hair, hazel eyes, and tough-looking scar.

"No freakin' way!" she said.

"I suppose I have an explanation to give."

"Yeah, you do!" She slapped Micah across the face, then thought about it and slapped him a second time. "Tell me why my ex-boyfriend is trying to kidnap my best friends' kid!"

"We only dated for, like, an hour," Micah complained. "I wouldn't really consider you my ex-girlfriend."

She slapped him again.

"Ouch! Stop hitting me!"

"You! You've been hanging out with shady people. You're gonna give me answers." Petra glared him in his pretty eyes. "Do you know a punk named Strabo?"

Micah's face paled a bit. "Strabo?"

"Yeah. A teen running around, getting into trouble, and probably plotting something. Do you know anything about it?"

"Will I get in less trouble if I spill some beans?" Micah asked, hopeful.

"No. I'm still mad at you for what you did."

"That was four - no, _five_ years ago! You hold one heck of a grudge, lady. Besides, you have a boyfriend now, even though he's a total dip and definitely inferior to me. Why be so salty about a long-gone date turned sour?"

"Stop dodging the question. Do you know Strabo?"

"Yeah, I do. What of it?"

"She's plotting something. Are you in on it?"

Micah sweated. "I'm not going to tell you."

"Oh, yes, you are." She got up in his face. "What's she planning, Micah?"

"I said I'm not gonna tell you."

Petra let out a low, doglike growl. Micah made a resolute face. He wouldn't give up any information. No matter how aggressively Petra asked her questions or how many times she slapped him, he refused to tell her anything about Strabo.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter." Petra crossed her arms. "The police will question you. One way or another, we'll find out what's going on."

"Don't be overconfident, Petra. Pride goes before a fall," he replied in a low, suave voice.

Suddenly, they heard a window shattering in another room. Petra gasped, clutched Zeke to her chest, and ran to investigate. Two intruders in one night? What the heck?!

But when she got to the room where she heard the breaking glass, she found not only no intruder, but also no broken window. Wildly confused, she looked around. Who did that? If they hadn't smashed the window, they must have smashed a different piece of glass. So did someone break a pane of glass outside the window to distract her...

"Oh, no."

Diverting her attention and getting her out of the room! That's just what Micah needed.

"I've been set up!" She dashed back to the living room, but it was too late. Micah was gone. He'd ran away. Petra threw her bandanna on the ground in anger. And not only was she angry, but she was also freaked out. Strabo really was plotting something, but she and her friends had no idea what. And Micah, a guy with inside information, was part of it. He had her old letters - letters she'd written about their adventures, her friends' personalities and weaknesses - and now he'd use them against her. Stupid, stupid!

At least Dave promptly showed up with the police. The cops agreed to patrol the area in case of another raid attempt. Petra was still peeved that Micah had gotten away, though. She got the windows fixed, and Zeke was quiet for the rest of the day, at least. She had that going for her.

"At least you're still cute," she told him as she put him in his crib. Zeke poked her nose with his itsy-bitsy finger. He seemed to like poking people in the face. It was Jessie's sass showing through. Most of the time, though, he had Lukas's sweetness.

She collapsed into a chair, tired from all the ridiculousness of the day. "I think it might be a while before I offer them Petra's Babysitting Service, though."


	23. You Go, Girl!

**Catgirlftw99 says: "Pls do one where Ivor accidentally turns himself into a girl." So you know what? Let's do that.**

 **Ivor turns himself into a woman, thanks to a potion accident. Hilarity ensues.**

 _One month after "Petra's Babysitting Service"_

"Are you sure this is safe?" Jessie glanced at the door to the brewery. "I mean, what if Radar knocks something over? We don't want a potion spill."

"Then watch him," Ivor replied. "I'll be too busy cataloguing and organizing to babysit him. You be his chaperone."

"I'm right here," Radar pouted, skinny arms crossed over his chest. "Jessie is not going to be my chaperone. I don't need a chaperone."

"Hush, Radar," said Jessie. "The adults are talking."

Radar sniffed and turned aside, annoyed at her dismissive remark.

"Zeke is with Lukas, correct?" Ivor asked Jessie. "Not that I'm worried or anything. I was just curious."

Jessie smirked, seeing through his fib. "That's right. Little Zekey is keeping Dad company today while he works on his book."

"Can he really do that? Write and look after a baby at the same time?"

"Of course he can. I've seen him scribbling down story ideas while rocking Zeke to sleep. It's the cutest thing."

Ivor pretended to fuss with his key ring to hide that he was smiling at the thought. He found his brewery key and got it out.

"I'll tell you who's babying people. Jessie always treats me like I'm six years old," Radar complained. "I'm seventeen. I don't need someone to watch me while I'm dusting shelves."

"Radar?" asked Jessie, trying to get his attention.

"How could this be any different than when I dust off the artefacts in the Order Hall? It's not different, that's what. I pick up bottles, dust a shelf, and then put them back on again. It's not reinventing the wheel."

"Radar," Ivor said, more firmly than Jessie.

"Jessie just doesn't have any faith in me. She treats me like a baby. It must be because of Zeke. And Ivor, too. He doesn't trust me with anything-"

"RADAR!" they both yelled. The intern jumped almost three feet in the air.

He glanced around awkwardly. "I was rambling again, wasn't I?"

"Yes. Yes, you were." Ivor unlocked the brewery door and opened it up for them. "Now come along, children. We don't want this to take all day."

Jessie and Radar filed into the large, dusty room. It was the old brewery in the Order Hall basement. Ivor had used it before he built his lava house, and then kind of forgot about it. The room, having lay unused for years, was in bad need of a cleanup. Radar needed service hours for school and Jessie needed something productive to do, so they volunteered to help. Upon entering the basement, Radar clutched a feather duster as if it were a sword.

"I've armed myself against the dreadful dust bunnies of this neglected basement." He needed to. It was wall-to-wall shelves in the basement, a clutter of old potions and books from Ivor's collection.

"I asked around the rest of the group about this room," Jessie said as she surveyed the chaos. "Axel wanted to a make a survival bunker, Petra wanted an armory, Lukas didn't care what we built as long as it didn't make the hall collapse in on itself, and Jesse wanted us to dig a swimming pool."

"We could have an armored bunker with a swimming pool!" Radar piped up, feeling good about himself for coming up with such an idea.

"I loathe swimming pools," Ivor grumped as he took out a notebook and pen to take inventory of the potions in the basement. Potions never went bad, so every item there was as good as the day he brewed it. No sense in dumping them out if they were still useable.

Radar was given a broom and the task of sweeping up the floors. While he did that, Jessie grabbed the feather duster and attacked the numerous shelves of potions. Well, not literally. While Ivor identified each brew by uncapping and sniffing it, she dusted the spot on the shelf where it had sat. It was a fairly efficient system. Dust bunnies floated around them as they worked.

You might even call it father-daughter bonding time. Jessie would keep asking him stuff like, "What's this potion? What does it do? How did you make it?" and Ivor dutifully gave answers.

"These here are you standard Regeneration potions...I keep a stock in case someone gets hurt on a mission...Oh, that's a Leaping potion. Sometimes I use those just to reach high shelves, heh...Don't touch that one, it's a bit corrosive...I made that one by mistake; it turns people into cats...oh, I still have those stupid glowing potions? I thought I got rid of those…"

Radar whisked the broom back and forth across the floor, eavesdropping on the conversation. He didn't understand the science of potion brewing much at all - he never managed to nab it as an elective at school - and Ivor's ramblings got his attention. He tried to surreptitiously walk closer to Ivor and Jessie while sweeping.

Jessie picked up a small vial of bright pink potion, one of several atop a table. "Hey, what's this? Why is it in such a little bottle?"

"Let's see that." Ivor took the vial, uncorked it, and sniffed the contents. "Hmm. Strawberry. Well, I'll be. I had a stash of love potions in here."

"Love potions? How does a love potion work?"

"To tell the truth, a more accurate name for them would be _lust_ potions. If someone takes one, it awakens a strong drive for romance in them. They'll try to kiss and flirt with anyone they find the least bit attractive. No real relationship is desired, though - they just want the thrill of romance."

Jessie frowned at it. "That's...very strange."

"Which is exactly why a love potion must be treated with respect. It can ruin all kinds of relationships if misused. It's highly potent; even smelling it for too long can mess with a person's mind." Ivor corked the bottle and set it back on the table. "You know, I made a vial of love potion a while ago - the first one I've made in years. But it went missing. I don't know how that could have happened; I usually take such care to organize so as not to misplace things."

"When did it go missing?"

"About seven months before Zeke was born. Why do you ask?"

Jessie felt like there was something important about that time, and that it related to the missing love potion in some way, but she couldn't pinpoint what it was. So she shrugged and went back to dusting.

"Just curious, eh?" Ivor said. "I can respect that. It might not have been theft, Jessie. Perhaps I simply misplaced it."

As they moved down the shelf, they drew closer to Radar, who was at the same time scooting towards them. The discussion about the love potion really riveted him; he was paying more attention to their conversation than his sweeping. Silly Radar. He really should have been watching where he was going. Since he was watching neither where he was going nor where he was placing his feet, he ended up tripping and falling foward.

"Gah!" he cried as he went down.

Jessie reached out to catch him, but couldn't do it in time. Radar banged into the shelf, making it rock back and forth. The potion bottles swayed precariously. What was the most problematic, however, was the blue and pink potion sitting askew on the very top of the shelf. It started to lean over the edge...right over Ivor…

"Ivor, look out!" Jessie yelled, but it was too late. Down it fell.

Glass shattering!

Potion spilling!

A huge cloud of smoke exploded from the potion bottle, along with a hissing sort of noise. Radar went into a sneezing fit. Jessie drew back, coughing and waving away the fumes.

"Ugh!" she grunted. "It smells like old ladies' perfume!"

"Excuse me? What did you call me?" a cranky female voice asked. "Of all the cheek…"

"Huh?" Jessie's eyes widened. Her hand flew up to cover her mouth.

The smoke faded away, revealing the result of the potion accident. Ivor had gone missing. In his place stood a cranky elderly woman. She had the same black, greasy hair as Ivor, and she wore a green dress with a potion belt. It didn't take a 140 IQ to figure out what had happened.

"Mercy me!" Jessie cried. "Ivor turned into a woman!"

" _Whaaaat?!"_ Radar said. He wiped the ash off his glasses and saw it for himself. He let out a loud squeal and started panicking.

"Radar!" 'Ivor' snapped. "I told you to be careful around my potions. Look what happened."

That rubbed the intern the wrong way, and he started crying.

"It's all my fault!" he blubbered. "I wasn't looking where I was going and I ruined everything. I turned Ivor into a woman and now he's going to be the wrong gender forever and I've probably ruined his marriage and I'm a horrible person and I'm never going to forgive myself for this! AAAAUGH!"

Ivor (shall we call Ivor 'Ivy' for now? Yeah, let's do that.) facepalmed.

"That is one high-strung intern you have, Jessie," she said. "Can you get him to calm down? Panicking isn't going to get this problem solved."

Jessie, who was feeling a little hysterical herself, reached out and grabbed the back of Radar's jacket as he ran past. Radar ran in place for a few seconds, screaming, before he realized that he wasn't going anywhere. He stopped running and flailing, but he was still panicky.

"What are we going to DO?!" he fretted. "I don't know anything about potions! How are we going to fix this?"

"First, we're going to clean up this mess before it does any more damage." Jessie grabbed the broom to sweep up the glass from the Gender-Bender Potion. They were already in a jam, and she really didn't need anyone slicing up their feet on broken glass.

Radar sniffled. "Now what?"

"Next, we're going to ask Ivor...err...Ivy...for help." Jessie pushed Radar towards Ivy. "She can still talk, you know."

"No need for alarm," Ivy said, although she still sounded disgruntled. "We just need to figure out a way to reverse engineer the effects of the potion."

"How would we do that?" Jessie asked. "I don't know a lot about potions, Ivy, so I hope you know what you're doing."

"I'll figure something out," Ivy replied. "And stop calling me Ivy."

* * *

"So let me get this straight." Olivia put her hands on her hips. "There was an accident with potions, and now Ivor is a woman."

"Yeah. That's pretty much how it went," Jessie replied.

"Geez. Tough break."

Jessie nodded. "We're trying to figure out how to make an antidote. Ivor doesn't want to be Ivy for any longer than he has to be."

"Can't say as if I blame him." Olivia thought about it for a second. "Say, how is Harper taking all this?"

"Uh...Not too well. She's hiding in the w.c."

"Oh, dear."

"Yeah, she's pretty embarrassed. And kind of confused. Not that I blame her."

"We should get this fixed quickly." Olivia bit her lip. "Any ideas?"

"That's just what I wanted to talk to you about. Ivor...Ivy is reviewing the potion makeup, hoping that he...she can reverse engineer it."

"What if that doesn't work."

"Uh…" Jessie trailed off. "Then we...figure out a plan B."

"Jessie!" Radar ran up to her from another room. "I'm so sorry about what happened. I need to make it up to Ivor/Ivy. Can I help you look for an antidote?"

Jessie was about to decline, not wanting her high-strung intern to follow her around and get worked up over nothing, but he clung to her overalls and looked up at her with big, sparkling puppy eyes. Would you have been able to say no to Radar if he was giving you the puppy eyes?

"All right," she conceded. "If Ivy's attempt to reverse engineer the potion doesn't work, we're going to have to get creative."

"Okay." Radar stuck his hands in his pockets. "How would we do that?"

"The potion turned Ivor into a woman. Obviously. Now I'm not sure if it was brewed to turn males into females by default, or if it was made to gender-flip. I'm leaning towards the second possibility."

"Will that make a difference?"

"I don't know. It might, or it might not mean anything. But if my theory is correct, we might be able to help Ivy with making a new potion."

"How so?" Radar followed Jessie toward the door. She stopped to pick up a small cloth bag.

"Every potion's ingredients make sense in a way. Leaping potions are made with rabbit feet, because rabbits have great leaping power. Poisons are made with toxic spider eyes. Golden carrots are good for your vision, so we distill them into night vision potions. You know where I'm going with this, right?"

"I think so. Bring the point home so I can be sure."

"In order to make a brew that will restore masculinity, maybe we need to use a bunch of stereotypically masculine things as ingredients."

"Ohhh…" Radar said. "I get it. What kind of stuff would we need?"

"You're a man," Jessie pointed out. "What do you like, Radar?"

Radar counted things off on his fingers. "Cookies, seafood, getting good grades, leasing my own apartment, getting approved for scholarships, my job, my heroes, comic books…"

"Mmmhmm." Jessie thought those were all too nerdy for her to use, but of course she didn't say so. She needed the really macho stuff for this.

"I'll tell you if I think of anything else," Radar concluded.

"Good to know." Jessie suddenly got an idea and snapped her fingers. "I could use Lukas's cologne as a potion base. He uses a pretty manly aftershave."

"Lukas shaves?" Radar thought about Lukas's soft, smooth face. He just couldn't imagine a beard on it. Not even stubble.

"Of course he shaves. It's not like he's physically incapable of growing facial hair. He just keeps it all shaved off. Doesn't want to grow a beard; says that beards and mustaches don't look good on blond men. I agree."

"How about beards and mustaches on black-haired men?" Radar rubbed his baby-smooth chin. "I've been thinking of growing one."

There wasn't a strand of hair on Radar's chin. Jessie chose her next words carefully.

"You can do whatever you want with your facial hair, Radar. You don't have to ask my opinion."

"I won't break any employee dress codes by growing a beard?"

"None that I know of." Jessie glanced away. She hoped that Radar wouldn't grow oodles and oodles of hair now, all because she said that. She squinted at his chin. You know, she couldn't even imagine what Radar would look like with a mustache and beard.

"D'oy!" she said suddenly. "We're getting off topic here. Let's stop by my house and get some of Lukas's aftershave. We aren't helping Ivy by standing around and talking about facial hair."

She stormed out of the Order Hall. Radar followed, still rubbing his hand over his baby-soft face. He followed her like a duckling as she marched out of Beacontown, a woman on a mission. She barely waved to her fans as she passed them on the street. After some time, they arrived at the Lukessie residence: a cute brick cottage with two floors and a wooden roof. A daisy garden adorned the front yard.

Jessie didn't bother to knock. Why do it? She _lived_ there. Radar followed awkwardly; he'd never been to Jessie and Lukas's house before. He wondered if there was a special code of conduct while being in his boss's house.

"I know it's kind of messy in here. Lukas forgets to do his chores," Jessie explained as she walked Radar through the living room and the hallway to get to the w.c.

"Lukas does the chores?"

"Some of them. Authors get to work from home, so he doesn't go out much. He's sort of the house-husband. I have to do the traveling for my job, so I guess I'm the breadwinner."

Radar chuckled. "Subverted gender roles. I like it."

"Wait here." Jessie parked him outside the w.c. "I'll go get the aftershave."

She slipped into the w.c. Radar heard some bottles and containers rattling, a bang as something fell on the shower floor, Jessie saying 'Oh, phooey!', a clinking noise as she put the whatever-it-was back in its place, and then 'Ah, here it is.' She promptly emerged from the room holding a square glass bottle with a spritzy cap.

"Here it is," she said. "His favorite scent. Want a sniff?"

Radar held out his wrist, and Jessie sprayed a bit of cologne on it. He sniffed it and smiled. A bold scent it was. Just then, Lukas came down the other end of the hall, carrying Zeke. He stopped in his tracks and looked very confused.

"Hi, Jessie," he said haltingly. "Is that my cologne?"

"Hello, honey," she replied. "Yeah, is it okay if I borrow it?"

"Why do you need it? And why is Radar here?"

"Hi, Lukas!" Radar waved. "You have prime taste in perfume, my good man."

"Ivy-I mean, Ivor...needs it for a potion," Jessie said. "It's a long story, babe. I'll explain it all later."

"Uh...All right, I guess."

"How's the book coming?" she asked, leaning against the wall.

Lukas shrugged. "I got writer's block on the novel, so I had to switch to a different project. I've been working on making a children's storybook version of our adventures. Only problem is, I can't really draw. Do you know any good illustrators?"

"That sounds like a really cute idea! Kids will love it. I'll keep an eye out for one and ask around."

"Thanks, babe." Lukas kissed her cheek. "Bring the cologne back when you're done using it, okay?"

"Yep, that's fine."

Radar scooted away awkwardly, feeling very out-of-place in this moment of Lukessie family fluff. Even Zeke was part of it, and he didn't know what the heck was going on! He clapped and giggled when his parents embraced.

"All right," Jessie said after a slight pause. "I'd better get going. I need to track down other manly items for this. See you tonight, Lukas!"

"Okay, bye." He waved as she left. Radar followed after her, still smelling his wrist. Apparently, he really liked that aftershave.

After borrowing Lukas's cologne, it was time to swing by the various shops in Beacontown to pick up other manly ingredients for the potion. Radar suggested getting a tub of protein whey from one of those healthy stores. Jessie traded with a hunter for venison from a 30-point buck. Camo paint, smelly socks, and pizza sauce rounded out the collection of stereotypically masculine items.

"This is great!" Radar said, carrying some of the baggage. "Ivy will be so thrilled to know that we figured this out on our own."

"I hope you're not setting us up to fail by saying that," Jessie said as she held the Order Hall door open for Radar. Inside was chaos. Olivia, Axel, and Jesse paced around and panicked, not knowing what to do. Ivy was still a woman, and was even crankier than before. Petra tried to convince Ivy to stay a woman because feminism and all that. Harper, Jessie inferred, was still sulking in the w.c.

"Hey, guys!" Jessie announced. "Radar and I got some stuff that we can use to make an antidote."

"You do?" Ivy walked over to them. "What do you have there?"

"My husband's cologne, camo paint, a smelly sock, pizza sauce, tough venison, and some whey protein. All the stereotypical manliness you could want. We can use this stuff to a masculine potion that will cancel out your Gender-Bender potion."

Ivy stared at the testosterone brigade before her for a long, silent moment. Jessie twiddled her thumbs, worried that she had done the wrong thing. Radar shuffled his feet anxiously and looked at the floor.

Then Ivy said, "Jessie, you don't give yourself enough credit."

"Huh?" She blinked, confused.

"You know more about brewing than you think you do. I analyzed the Gender-Bender potion. The results called for a manliness potion to counteract the effects of the first. I don't want to waste any more time. Let's get these items brewed up, shall we?"

An hour or so of work and lots of hot steam later, Ivy had stirred up a brew of the distilled manliness. It was a funny blue-green color. Radar had watched the whole process of pouring ingredients, mixing bases, Ivy looking at a periodic table and muttering to herself, and wafting away multicolored smoke with wide, observing eyes. He still didn't get the details, but the process mesmerized him nonetheless.

When the potion was finished, Ivy poured it into a bottle with the right dose and held it out, checking to make sure it was pure.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay a woman?" Petra said. "Women are strong."

"I never said they weren't," Ivy replied.

"Ready?" Jessie asked.

"Of course." Ivy raised the bottle in a sort of cheers. "Well, bottoms up."

She swigged the potion, downing it all in one draft. It must not have been a nice taste, because she made a face as she swallowed it. At first, nothing happened. But just before Radar could start freaking out that the plan failed, a large cloud of vapor exploded from the bottle, shrouding the room in a smoke screen.

"Ugh!" Jessie coughed and waved it away. "It smells like Lukas's cologne - Oh, wait. D'oy."

The vapor faded away. And when it did, Ivy was gone and instead there was good ol' Ivor, back to normal. He sighed in relief and smoothed his beard.

"Ahh, that is much better," he said. "Excuse me, children. I'm going to go fetch Harper."

So he left to do that. The others looked at each other for a moment. Then Jessie crossed over to a shelf. She started taking down all the bottles that had pink and blue liquid in them.

"Jessie?" Olivia asked, a little concerned. "What are you doing with those?"

"Getting rid of them for good," she responded. "We are NOT having a repeat of this."

Radar raised his hand. "I've got one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do I still get my service hours for this?"


	24. Order of the Phony (Pt 1)

**Success breeds imitators, and the New Order of the Stone is not an exception. A group of kids in Beacontown get together to form their own knockoff of the Order of the Stone. It's up to the real New Order to get things put straight.**

 _Timeline: One month after "You Go, Girl!"_

The New Order of the Stone had a lot of fan clubs. Beacontown boasted the largest following with Jesse's Pebble Scouts. Redstonia had redstonist groups in Olivia's and Harper's names. Axel garnered fanboys in Boom Town, and Petra inspired many adventurous young girls to emulate her. It was only a natural consequence of their fame. There were way too many fan clubs to keep track of them all, so they only made Jesse's Pebble Scouts the "official" group. Mostly it was because the club was Jesse's idea (hence the name) and he begged and pleaded his friends to let it stick.

Unfortunately, the Pebble Scouts turned out to be the perfect incubator for cheap knock-offs. The club was chock full of adventurous, big-dreaming, imaginative kids. Which, normally, would have been an excellent thing. The problem is that sometimes people don't use their creativity in a constructive way. Within the Pebble Scouts, there was a little clique of ambitious youngsters. As the oldest kids in the Pebble Scouts (each 13 or 14), they were pretty sure they were the best and toughest. In fact, they were starting to feel mighty enough to make their own club!

"We can be heroes, too," said Jake, the de facto leader of the clique. "Why, we could be just like the New Order."

"You mean we get to fight monsters and stuff?" his friend Levi asked, clutching a teddy bear to his chest. "It sounds scary. My mom says that if it weren't for the New Order, we'd have to fight monsters on our own."

"Dude, it would be awesome if we got to fight monsters!" Andy, a heavyset boy with thick black hair, elbowed Levi in the ribs. "I wanna blow up some TNT, too."

"Oww," Levi whined, rubbing his side. "I hate it when you do that, Andy."

"Stop being such a baby."

"But it hurts!"

"What do you think, Ossa?" Jake asked his other friend. Ossa was a short and small-bodied girl with big glasses.

"We're just a bunch of dorks," Ossa responded gloomily. "We could never be as good as the New Order."

"Nuh-uh!" Andy insisted. "We're great. We're so much better than the other scrubs in our club."

"My mom says it's not nice to call people scrubs," Levi said, bottom lip quivering.

"Shut up, Levi!"

"Hey." Jake banged his fist on a chair to call attention to himself. "Listen up. Sorry, Ossa, but Andy is right. We could be totally awesome. I'm a great leader. Ossa, you're smart. Andy is pretty strong, and...uh...I don't know what Levi is good at, but maybe we'll figure that out later. We've got a great friend group going, and heck! We've got almost the same names as the New Order. It was as if we were destined to be them or something."

"I thought we were just going to be as good as them," Ossa pointed out. "Didn't you say that we could be like them?"

Jake got a devious glint in his eyes. "We don't have to be _just_ like the New Order. We can _be_ the New Order."

"My mom says that we should be ourselves," Levi said. "That we shouldn't pretend to be someone we're not."

"Shut up, Levi." Andy threw a pencil at Levi, who ducked to dodge it. It got stuck in Levi's fluffy blond hair instead.

"So what are you saying, Jake?" Ossa crossed her arms. "That we should pretend to be the New Order?"

Jake, still grinning, replied, "Oh yeah."

* * *

 _The Next Day…_

Jake glanced up at the clock on the classroom wall. He tapped his foot on the floor, anxious to hear the last bell for the day. Ossa was seated across the room from him, and he shared a glance with her. She knew what he was thinking about, and he smiled and nodded, trying to convince her to go along with it.

The school bell rang. Jake ran out so fast that he almost heard a sonic boom. He rushed out to the playground to meet up with his friends. He was the first one on the scene, followed by Ossa and then Andy. Levi was the last one to show up. The blond boy shuffled onto the playground, scribbling in his notebook.

"The homework can wait, Levi!" Jake said. "Come on! The New Order of the Stone doesn't do homework."

"It's not homework," Levi protested, pulling his notebook away when Jake tried to grab it. "I'm writing down our adventures. Lukas kept a journal while the New Order was on their missions. If we're gonna be the New Order, too, I've got to keep a journal."

"Mmm. Fair enough. Okay, so here's the plan." Jake put his hands on his hips and faced the group. "We can't try to do hero stuff here in Beacontown. The guys here already know the New Order - they'd never fall for it if _we_ said that we were."

"They also know that the New Order has...has…" Andy counted on his fingers. "Ah, never mind. I don't know how many members, but it's more than four."

"They will keep asking us things like 'Where's Petra?' and 'Where's Jessie?'" Ossa cut in.

"I'm Jesse," Jake said.

"No, the other Jessie. The girl Jessie," Ossa explained. "Plus, then there are all those pesky relationships...remember? Ivor's like their team dad; we don't have anyone like that in our group. Jessie and Lukas are married and have a baby; Levi here doesn't even have a girlfriend."

"Don't remind me!" Levi said tearfully.

"I get it, Ossa," Jake said a bit testily. "What I'm saying is that we have to go someplace where they know about the New Order but haven't seen them. I was thinking Niat-nuom."

"Ooh, Niat-nuom," Andy echoed. "That's an exciting place, I've heard."

"N-Niat-n-nuom?!" Levi sputtered. "My mom told me that it's super dangerous there. A lawless place."

"That sounds like fun. And that no-one would force us to go to school there."

"Aw, yeah!" Jake cheered. "No school!"

That was the selling point for Jake and Andy, but Levi and Ossa needed more convincing. Jake talked Levi into it by promising that he wouldn't get bullied anymore; nobody bullies the New Order of the Stone. Ossa arbitrarily went along with them.

Now they needed a plan in order to escape to Niat-nuom. They sat down on the grass under an elm tree in the playground to discuss it. Many ideas were thrown around, but they kept finding holes in their schemes that would never work. Most of their best idea came from Ossa. Her idea was that they would tell their parents the Pebble Scouts were going on a camping trip starting Saturday. The grown-ups would think that the kids were going somewhere boring like the Beacontown parks of the farmland outside the city, when they were actually making tracks to Niat-nuom.

"Plus, that means our folks will help us pack camping gear," Ossa explained. "After all, we can't go to Niat-nuom with just the clothes on our backs."

"Gosh! I never thought of that," Jake said. "Good thinking, Ossa."

"I'm scared," Levi whimpered. "I hate lying."

Andy threw a twig at him. "Sometimes you have to lie, Levi! Grow up."

"Stop throwing things at me!" Levi looked over at Ossa. "I see one problem with our plan."

"What's that?" Ossa twirled her ponytail between her fingers.

"I don't know about you guys, but my parents always check whenever I tell them about field trips and anything else they think might be suspicious."

"Overprotective," Andy muttered.

"So if I tell them we're going on a camping trip, they'll want to see a permission slip. What do we do if we don't have one?"

"I know!" Ossa snapped her fingers. "We'll go to the print shop and make fake permission slips. I can forge Jesse's signature pretty well, too."

"Stop coming up with good ideas!" Jesse whined. "I'm the leader. I'm supposed to come up with the good ideas."

It was then that the kids realized that if they were going to pose as the New Order, they had to really sell the act. Of course, in their minds, that meant going overboard with the New Order personalities."

"Wait," Andy said. "Axel always talks about griefing. I should talk about TNT more if I'm supposed to be Axel."

"I could spout off random facts," Ossa said. "Olivia is smart. So that means that she knows lots of random facts, and she should always know what to do...I think."

"Whatever. Tomorrow is Saturday," Jake said. "This is our chance to sneak out. So we need to make the 'permission slip' tonight and get them signed. We'll meet up here tomorrow morning. Deal?"

They all pinky-promised on it. "Deal."

After pinky-promising, they left the schoolyard and went downtown, which was where the print shop stood. It was the perfect kind of quirky small business that could be found all over Beacontown. The owners called it Gutenburg Garden, and there they sold anything that text can be stamped onto. The kids ducked inside and pooled their money to use the shop's printing press. Ossa and Levi arranged letter blocks and slathered on ink, scribing a believable permission slip from the Pebble Scouts. They made four copies. Then Ossa grabbed a pen and forged Jesse's scrawling signature at the bottom of each one.

"There," she said, pleased with herself. "Just take it home and get your folks to sign the other line, and they won't suspect a thing."

* * *

"How much farther?" Levi whined. He lagged behind the rest of the group, struggling under the weight of his overloaded backpack. His mother, under the impression that her son was going off to his first overnight stay away from home, spared no supply while packing. He even had a small bugle hanging off his pack. It rattled with the slightest movement from the little blond boy, which annoyed his friends to no end.

"How much farther?" he repeated. "We've been walking for hours!"

"Shut up, Levi!" Andy snapped. "Or I'll set off some TNT."

"TNT is made with potash and nitrogen," Ossa quipped. "Did you know that?"

"We're in Niat-nuom, Levi," Jake called back to his friend. "We just haven't reached a town yet."

Levi glanced up at the cloudless sky. "Did the rest of you guys remember to put on sunscreen before we left?"

The Order of the Phony trudged through the meadows of Niat-nuom. It was a pretty place with golden grass and copious wildflowers. Olive trees and dogwood shrubs broke up the monotony of flat land, as did occasional water gullies. Andy chattered about griefing and TNT. Levi scribbled in his notebook and complained about his sore feet. Ossa tripped on a rock.

"Ouch," she muttered, rubbing her ankle. She noticed that her shoe was untied and sat down to fix it. Jake mistook that for a sitting-down of capitulation.

"No, Ossa! Don't lie down! We have to press on," he goaded. "We can't give up now - we gotta have hope! Friendship unites us! There's nothing more valuable than friendship. We're going to show the world how powerful friendship and bravery can be."

"Jake, I'm just stopping for a second to tie my shoe."

"Oh." He cleared his throat. "Carry on, then."

This sort of thing was a repeated show as the kids made their trek through the meadows of Niat-nuom. Whenever the slightest setback happened, such as Andy stubbing his toe on a rock or Levi dropping one of his pencils into a water gully, Jake felt the need to wax on with a motivational speech. Andy was just about ready to slap him when they finally reached a small town.

"Krebben," said the town sign. "Population: 210." The houses of the tiny village were wooden cottages with thatch roofs. They all looked the same. Jake looked back and smiled at his friends.

"Here's our chance, guys! Remember, we're the Order of the Stone."

"New Order," Ossa corrected.

"Whatever. My name isn't Jake, it's Jesse. You're not Ossa anymore - you're Olivia. Levi is Lukas and Andy is Axel. Can you guys remember that?"

"Yeah, sure," they all said in one manner or another.

"Great." Jake posing as Jesse led the way toward Krebben. His friends followed him like ducklings. They wandered into the midst of the wooden houses, waving and saying hello to the citizens. Jake thought about how Jesse acted while walking in Beacontown and copied him.

"Hi everyone!" he said. "How are you today?"

Some people waiting in line to buy coffee turned to him. "You're awful friendly. Who are you?"

"Who are we!" Jake said with a laugh. "Why, we're the New Order of the Stone! I'm Jesse, and these are my friends Olivia, Lukas, and Axel."

The people gasped. "It's the New Order of the Stone! Oh my gosh. We've heard of you guys."

"I can imagine," Jake replied. "We're here to visit, unless you need hero stuff done."

"That's funny," one woman said. "I was certain there were more than four members."

"Petra and the Jessie, they had to...um…" Jake quickly tried to think of an excuse. "They're catching bandits in Beacontown. Couldn't come with us."

"That's a shame." She squinted again. "And I could have sworn you guys were a little older than you look. You kids don't look any older than fourteen."

"We get that one a lot," Ossa said. "We're small for our ages, plus, there's no minimum age for being a hero. Did you know that the youngest person to fight an Enderman alone and survive was-"

"Os-I mean, Olivia is right," Jake interrupted. "You don't have to be old to be a hero. Everyone can be brave if they just try really hard. And with bravery and friendship, nothing is impossible. Not even beating the Witherstorm."

He winked. The Krebbenite citizens, intrigued, leaned in.

"Tell us about that."

Jake could hardly hide his grin.

* * *

Jessie was warming up a bottle of formula for Zeke when her body shook with a tremor. "Ooh."

Lukas looked up from the rough draft he was working on. "Honey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, really," she said, putting the cap on the bottle. "Just...a weird chilly feeling all of a sudden. Is our furnace on the fritz?"

"I don't think it is. I just put in fresh wood this morning."

"Huh. What a weird feeling. It's like...it's like a disturbance in the universe or something."

"Eh, I'm sure it's nothing."

* * *

"And then, _snap! Crack!_ The tentacles were whipping all over the place!" Jake punctuated his story with wild arm gestures. "There must have been at least a hundred, all of them coming at me at once."

"Whoa!" the enthralled Niat-nuomites said, goggling at him. "What did you do?"

"Well, with my trusty sword-" Jake waved a stick around like a sword. "-cutting through those tentacles was a piece of cake."

"Mm, cake!" Andy interjected.

The Order of the Phony was gathered in a cave near Krebben with their audience. Word spread around the area that the New Order had arrived. Soon, a small crowd of gullible Niat-nuomites had gathered to hear their story. None of them had ever seen the real New Order in person, and Jake's charisma was quite persuasive, so they were under the impression that these kids were the real deal. Jake took advantage of that to tell the story the way _he_ wanted.

"It cut through them like warm butter," he continued. "Blood everywhere! It was nasty, but also pretty cool. But I knew, because I'm smart, that I wouldn't kill the Witherstorm by cutting its arms off. It could just grow more. So I had to go for its heart."

"Ooh."

"Totally. I had to climb - one-handed, by the way - up the stomach wall to get to the heart. Talk about gross, am I right? I wasn't about to let a little slime stop me from saving the world, though. I showed it who's boss. Snicker-snack, vorpal blade goes this way and that!"

"Callooh callay!" Ossa added.

"And off goes its head?" asked one of the Niat-nuomites.

"Well, uh, not quite. I was trying to cut out the heart, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, that's right."

"Right. Slashing _this_ was and _that_ , I cut the heart loose and _tore_ it right out. With my bare hands! Then I fell out of the Witherstorm's mouth and landed in a lake."

"WOAH!" one deeply absorbed listener said. "Were you _killed_?"

"Sadly, yes." Jake looked down somberly, then added with a cocky smile, "-but I lived!"

Ossa resisted the urge to facepalm.

"Long story short, I killed the Witherstorm and saved the world." Jake sat back, feeling pretty darn good about himself, even though he was spouting lies.

Levi cleared his throat and gave him a knowing look.

"-With the help of my friends, of course," Jake concluded, grinning sheepishly. "Friendship is the most important thing."

"Dude! That was so awesome!" The citizen who'd asked the stupid question jumped up. "Oh! You gotta tell us more stories."

"Definitely! Did I tell you the one where I defeated an evil serial killer?"

"Tell us!"

"Okay! While we were out doing big and heroic stuff, um, this one night...it was storming. Storming really hard. Rain and thunder everywhere. We had to look for shelter, because even tough guys like us need to take shelter every now and then."

"And I don't like it when my hair gets wet," Lukas added.

"Right. So we found a mansion."

"It had beautiful Tudor architecture," Ossa cut in, winking.

"Yeah, Tudor architecture." Jake had no idea what that meant. "We knocked on the door and asked to be let in. The kind souls inside let us in to stay out the storm. Little did we know of the dark secrets hidden in that house."

Levi set the mood for the scene by somehow playing sultry jazz on his bugle. Outside the cave, it started to rain a bit.

"We met a couple of good mugs there. Nice people, a bit gullible though. A few blokes and three chicks."

"A few men and three women," Ossa translated for the confused listeners.

"They had...weird names. It might have been a cultural thing. But anyway, we thought it would be an evening of dinner and mingling. But that was stolen from us."

The listeners gasped. "How? Who?"

"A masked killer, working from within the place, took out one guest right at the start. Dropped the poor sap into a pit of sand and drowned 'im. Nasty stuff."

The listeners let out some sympathetic moans.

"I knew right away that we had a doozy of a case on our hands. But I was up to the task. To take on-" He paused for dramatic effect. "-the case of the White Pumpkin Murder Mystery."

Thunder clapped outside, startling some of the people in the cave. Levi jumped several feet and started whimpering.

While it continued to rain, Jake related an overblown and partially made-up version of the New Order's exploits in the Two Moons world and the mansion murder mystery. With him, the details and action were larger than life. He got so absorbed in telling the story that he almost believed it himself.

"After a long time to think and coming to a genius conclusion, I figured out who it was," Jake said of his investigation into the White Pumpkin's identity.

The Niat-nuomites were on the edges of their seats. "Who was it? Who was the murderer?"

"Levi has the notes right in his book," Jake said with a wink to his blond friend. "Don't ya, Levi?"

"Huh?" Levi got his book pulled right out of his hands. "Hey!"

"Don't get all excited. I'm just going to show everyone the genius of our mystery-solving skills." He stepped up onto a rock. "Ahem. We figured out that it was...Mrs. Peacock, in the billiards room, with the candlestick!"

Everyone looked at him like he'd just said that in Tagalog.

"Oh! Oops!" Jake blushed and turned to the right page. "That's a different mystery. What I meant to say is that...Cassie Rose was the murderer!"

Boom! Thunder!

Or so they thought.

"Gosh, that's some loud thunder out there." Jake stepped down from the rock. "Sounded kind of explosive. And really close. Don't you guys think so?"

The Niat-nuomites went wide-eyed and pale-faced.

"What's wrong?"

Andy shook his head. "Jake, that wasn't thunder. That was TNT."

"What? I don't understand."

Another blast of TNT went off outside, this time even closer.

One of the listeners looked him dead in the eye. " _Run_."

The Niat-nuomites fled the cave in chaos. The kids were so confused that they didn't know where to go. Plus, the cave had them closed off on most sides. To their horror, a group of scruffy people invaded the cave. They wore dark clothes and carried swords made from animal bones. The unarmed kids backed up, only to get stopped by the wall. Nowhere to run.

"Hup-ho," said one of the bandits mockingly. "It's the bad guys."

The kids fought back very pathetically against their attackers. They didn't have much going against a group of grown-ups with weapons. Levi didn't even try to fight; he flopped on the ground and blubbered for the bandits to have mercy. Ossa soon joined him. Andy and Jake tried to fight, being little spitfires, but were soon knocked to the ground next to their friends.

"Hey! You big jerks!" Jake started to rear up to his feet again. A bandit shoved him back down. Heavy footsteps clomped into the cave.

"Don't stand up," a rough voice warned. "Don't try to run away, either."

That wasn't the kind of voice to argue with. The kids, more nervous than they'd ever been before, remained sprawled on the ground. They glanced up to see who was talking. The biggest guy they had ever seen loomed over them. He must have stood seven and a half feet tall. He had broad shoulders, sculpted muscles, and cruel amber eyes. An array of swords hung from his belt. A group of his cronies stood a pace or two away, ready to jump at his command.

Jake let out a rather loud, nervous gulp. Levi, fearful and tearful, whimpered like a wounded dog. Even Andy was sobered by the encounter.

"Who are you?" Jake asked in a trembling voice.

"You'll call me Bar-Nim," replied the giant man.

"Bar-Nim?" Jake repeated. He'd never heard such a name before.

"You know, kiddo, most people would whisper that name in a dark cave. I'm a bit, how you say, _notorious_ in these parts. Do you know what I am, children?"

They all shook their heads. Even Ossa was drawing a blank.

"I'm a warlord. I own this land. I own everything - and every _one_ \- on it. Even the little trespassers."

Bar-Nim drew a sword from his belt and stabbed it into the ground half a meter away from Jake. Levi made a muffled squeal of fright. Some of the color drained from Ossa's face.

"Jake, do something. You're the leader," Ossa whispered.

"And I've heard that you're pretty famous, yourselves." Bar-Nim chuckled. "What luck you've stumbled onto my territory. I've always wanted to meet the famed New Order of the Stone. And now here they are."

"But we're not - Ouch!" Levi yelped when Andy elbowed him in the ribs.

"What were you going to say?" The warlord was perceptive. "Speak. I can tell a suppressed dirty truth when I hear one."

Levi's ears turned pink, and he stammered, "We're not...um…we're not here to visit is what I was going to say. We're just passing through. Want to pass through some towns in Niat-nuom, pick up groceries - that's all."

Bar-Nim laughed; it was a harsh sound like a cawing crow. "Ha! You're here to try capturing me, aren't you? Because I'm _criminal_ and whatnot? Nice try. I would have thought that the New Order would be a tad more impressive. You went down awful easily for world-renowned heroes."

Jake bit his lip. "I...Uh...It's not a good day for us. That's all."

"Of course it's not a good day for you. You swaggered your stuck-up little selves into my territory, and now you'll pay for it. I've always wanted to nab a hero or two. As for you four...you're smaller than I expected, but you'll fetch a fine price nonetheless. Captured heroes always do."

"Captured?!" Levi whimpered.

Jake narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, 'fetch a fine price?'"

Bar-Nim shrugged. "Ransom. Obviously. People will pay an awful lot to get their precious heroes back."

Jake looked over at Ossa for help, but she was so scared that she was crying. The reality of posing as heroes had smacked these kids in the face - not everyone loved the New Order of the Stone.

"Stay calm, guys," Jake whispered. "I'll figure out a way for us to get out of this."

Bar-Nim clicked his teeth at his cronies. "Tie up the kids."


	25. Order of the Phony (Pt 2)

**It's up to the real New Order to accomplish some hero work.**

 **I know this is pretty serious for a Silly Mode short, but it does reveal some background information on characters and further the subplot. The next short, hopefully, will have more silly.**

"Another quiet morning in Beacontown," Petra grumbled. "I hate it."

She and Dave walked down the street, bored out of their minds. It had been a while since they were on their last mission. She and Dave went south of Beacontown to stop raiders and bandits. But for now, they were back in the Beacontown area, looking for an opportunity to go on a new adventure. Petra fed off that stuff.

"I wanna be a mighty warrior when I grow up, Mom," Dave said. "I wanna be as tough as you."

She ruffled his hair. "I think you will, honey. The more you train, the better you get. Someday you could have a Defender of Beacontown position."

"Yeah! Just like when we were beatin' up those bandits south of town, right?" Dave smacked his hand into his fist.

"Maybe. But remember, fighting is only half of the battle. Defense is the other. You might get called upon to do a rescue mission."

"Do you think you'd be good at that?"

"I hope I would."

* * *

The bandits sat Jake, Andy, Ossa, and Levi up against the wall. Each kid's wrists were tied together with ropes. The ropes itched like crazy and were sure to leave blisters.

"I want my mom and dad!" Levi sobbed.

"Get it together, Levi. You're 13! This is just a...a...oh forget it!" Jake couldn't come up with a hope speech this time. "We're in big trouble."

"No kidding." A bandit booped Jake's nose. "You'd better hope that Beacontown is willing to pay your ransom."

"This was a big, fat mistake," Ossa said with tears in her eyes. "We should have never gone down to Niat-nuom. Why did you guys talk me into this?"

"It was Jake's idea," Andy blurted.

Bar-Nim, who stood by and watched, chuckled. "Wow. Get captured once and suddenly you all hate each other. So much for friendship. Weird. I thought that was what your stupid little Order of the Stone was about."

Jake rocked from side to side in anxiety. He didn't know whether it would be good or a horrible, _horrible_ idea to tell Bar-Nim that they weren't the real New Order. They were just a couple of kids in _way_ over their heads.

A slight man with lots of scars on his face came forward. "Boss, should we send a note or go in person?"

"Go in person, Ranger," the warlord replied. "Go ahead. Tell Beacontown that I'm making them an offer they can't refuse."

Ranger nodded and ran out of the cave to deliver the ultimatum to Beacontown. Bar-Nim smiled and brushed his dirty blond hair out of his eyes. His henchmen chattered amongst themselves.

"Who's going to guard the New Order, boss?" one bandit asked him.

"They're just a couple of weak kids. I won't need many." Bar-Nim chose a couple people on a whim. "You people. You hang back here and make sure these little hoodlums don't escape. I'm going back to my camp. I have territory borders to protect."

"Okay, boss," they said.

Bar-Nim and most of his entourage then left. A group of five bandits remained. The youngest was a nine-year-old boy; the oldest was a middle-aged woman. They kept up their tough cred until Bar-Nim was out of earshot. Then they relaxed. The middle-aged woman broke out a deck of cards and started a game with the other four bandits. The remaining one, a teenage girl, did not join. She pulled her green bandanna off her lower face and strode over to the Order of the Phony.

"We'll never talk!" Andy snapped at her.

"Andy, we're not being interrogated," Ossa told him disdainfully. "We're being held hostage. There's a difference."

"Your boss is a big fat jerk!" Jake told the teenager. "Why on earth do you listen to him?"

"That's not for you to ask," replied the teen, "and the one who should be doing the listening is you. To me."

"Oh, yeah? Who are you?"

"I'm Strabo." She sat on a rock and crossed her arms. "And look here, squeakers. I know what's up here. Bar-Nim might not get it, but I do."

"What do you mean?"

She leaned in and whispered, "You're not fooling me, kids. You're not the real New Order of the Stone."

They looked at her in shock. "But...Wha…?"

"Oh, come on! I can't believe you think that I would actually fall for you saying that you're the New Order. I've been to Beacontown. Heck, I got arrested by Jessie earlier this year. Do you honestly think I wouldn't know who the real New Order members are?"

"It's true," Levi admitted. "We're just kids in over our heads. My name's Levi. These guys are Andy, Jake, and Ossa."

"I can't say as if it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Help us, Strabo!" Jake pleaded. "We didn't want to hurt anyone."

She sniffed distastefully. "Then why did you pose as heroes? Lied to people? Took their glory for yourself? Seems rather hurtful to me."

"Says you. You're working for the guy who kidnapped us!"

"A girl has to eat."

"Well, you need to find a better job."

"Right. I could impersonate the New Order for a living." Strabo twirled her bandanna between her fingers. "What were you kids thinking? Are you even old enough to be here out on your own?"

"Uh...No…" Jake admitted. "We kinda sorta lied to our parents about where we were going. Don't preach to me! I know we messed up. We just need a way out."

"Like I'm going to help you with that. Even though he's totally clueless about who you guys really are, Bar-Nim's my boss. I can't go against him...only fools do that. When he's happy, everyone else is."

"That's easy for you to say."

* * *

 _The next day_

Petra walked out of the grocery, a paper bag in her hands and Dave at her heels. She hated shopping for groceries because it was way too domestic for her tastes, but it was something that had to be done nevertheless. Dave hummed a tune and played with a blunt wooden sword that Petra had made for him. Petra smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Where to now, Mom?" he asked.

"The Order Hall," she replied. "Some of this stuff is for the others. Axel complained to me last week that the snack stash in the Hall pantry was low."

"Can I have some of the snacks?"

"Of course you can, Dave."

They trotted through downtown Beacontown, on their way to the Order Hall. Fanatic fans were less of a problem now than they used to be. Perhaps it was because that the New Order was such a regular presence in the city. Petra could walk from the entrance to the Order Hall with minimal harassment from fans. They had either calmed down by this point...or she just wasn't as popular as her friends. She really hoped it wasn't the latter!

"Hey, Mom. What's going on?" Dave asked.

A giant crowd swarmed around the front of the Order Hall, and it was a discordant one at that. People were arguing with each other and seemed anxious. Petra frowned with concern and approached.

"Um...hi?" she asked them. "What's going on here?"

"Petra, there's a guy here saying that your friends got kidnapped," a few people told her.

"What? Where? Who is this guy?"

"His name's Ranger." They pointed at a scruffy, skinny guy in dark clothes. "He's over there."

While Petra stood staring at Ranger, not sure what to make of this, she head some more footsteps behind her. Jessie, Lukas, and Jesse walked up to the crowd with the same puzzled expressions.

"Petra, do you know what's going on here?" Lukas asked.

"Not at all." She squinted. "This Ranger guy here says that you were kidnapped, though."

" _What_?"

"If you Beacontowners ever want to see Jesse, Olivia, Axel, and Lukas again, you'd better cough up the ransom right now!" Ranger shouted at the crowd. "Bar-Nim has them tied up in his territory, and there's no way you're going to save them yourselves. He wants you to pay ransom. Otherwise, he'll...he'll...I don't know what he'll do, but it won't be good. So let's see that treasure."

"You're lying!" some people yelled back at him.

"No! I saw them with my own eyes. Those kids are tied up in a cave. They've been captured."

"Who's Bar-Nim?" Jesse whispered to Petra as they wove through the crowd to get to Ranger.

Petra frowned. "Bar-Nim. He's a warlord in Niat-nuom. You know, that grasslands place a little ways from here. But where did he get the idea that he kidnapped you? Axel's in Boom Town and Olivia is teaching in Redstonia. And you guys are right here. How could he have kidnapped you?"

Jesse thought for a second. "You know, this seems totally unrelated, but I just realized that four kids weren't at the Saturday Pebble Scouts meeting."

"Who?"

"Jake, Andy, Levi, and...uh...Ossa," Jesse replied. "They're the oldest kids and most outgoing. They're a lot like us. I mean, even their resemblance to us is uncanny. They could pass as a younger New Ord... _oh, no_."

The color drained from the others' faces as they realized it, too.

"Oh no. Oh, no," Jessie said. "This had better not be what I'm afraid it is."

Ranger was still going on about how Beacontown owed a ransom to get their heroes back. The real New Order held back, not sure what to do. They'd never had to deal with a kidnapping like this before. But given that they were all parents, they felt pretty strongly about this. Jessie could feel her adrenaline coursing.

"Even if those kids were posing as us, we have to save them," she said.

"That goes without saying," Lukas added. "We have to protect them."

"Bar-Nim is powerful," Petra said, "but he's never faced us before. We've dealt with worse threats before. If we stand together, we won't fall."

"Okay. Okay." Jessie nodded. "We're going out. Ivor's looking after Zeke. Petra, what should we do about David?"

"David, go by Ivor's for now," Petra told her son. "He shouldn't mind. All right?"

"Gotcha, Mom. See you later." Dave left.

Jessie, Jesse, Lukas, and Petra all took a deep breath and steeled themselves for their rescue mission. They worked their way to the front, until they were right in front of Bar-Nim's little henchman.

"Hey, wait a minute," people were saying as the real New Order stood confrontationally in front of Ranger. "Didn't you say your boss kidnapped the New Order?"

"Huh?" The bandit looked back and forth between the people glaring at him and the crowd behind them. He thought back to the kidnapped kids in Niat-nuom and realized he'd made a terrible mistake. Or that his boss had.

"I'm sorry, are we mistaken on something?" Petra asked. "Because Jesse and Lukas are right here."

"I...uh…" Ranger sweated. "Uh-oh. We've got the wrong people."

Zip! Ranger ran away like a bowshot, leaving a confused group of people behind.

"After him!" Jessie shouted to her friends. "Don't let him get away. He's gonna lead us to Bar-Nim!"

The four real New Order members chased after Ranger. The crowd cheered and clapped for them as they made hot pursuit. Jessie, one of the fastest runners among them, was closing in on Ranger. The bandit dashed out through the Beacontown gates and into the countryside beyond. The foursome battled their protesting legs to chase him as he scurried through the farmlands. They followed him into the grasslands leading to Niat-nuom.

Luckily, Ranger wasn't that bright, and it didn't occur to him to throw his pursuers off the trail. He ran near Krebben, took a right at the village, and led them straight to Bar-Nim's camp. The warlord and most of his entourage were nowhere to be seen, which made Ranger even more nervous. He ducked and dodged around the tents trying to lose his pursuers, but they wouldn't give up.

Jessie put on a burst of speed, closed in on Ranger, and tackled him to the ground. He struggled, but she pinned down his arms and immobilized him.

"All right, you!" she growled. "Where are the kidnapped kids?"

"Don't hurt me," Ranger whined. "I don't really like doing this."

"Whatever! Just tell me where the kids are. We are _not_ letting your boss hold them for ransom."

"In a cave! Bar-Nim has them tied up in a cave."

"And where's Bar-Nim?"

"He's out protecting his turf's borders. I don't know where. That's all I know. Honest."

"Fine." Jessie got off him, but pointed her sword at him. "Show us where the cave is. That's a command, not a request."

"So strong, so assertive," Lukas said dreamily. "I just love that woman."

Ranger put his hands up and meekly walked to the cave where the kids were being held hostage. Jessie followed behind him, leading him along at sword-point to make sure he didn't try making a break for it. Not that she actually intended to harm him, but she did want the intimidation factor.

When they got to the cave, Jessie kept her sword drawn in case he was leading them into an ambush. Inside the cave, they found four kids looking remarkably like Jesse, Olivia, Axel, and Lukas. The kids, who were bound at the wrists and sitting against the wall, goggled at the sight of the real New Order.

"Oh my gosh!" Jake said. "It's the New Order of the Stone - the real one! Are you here to rescue us?"

"Yep," Jessie said as she knelt down to start untying them. "All right, kids. Have we learned a little lesson?"

"Don't make fraudulent documents?" Ossa asked.

"Huh?" Jessie looked at her strangely. "Well, I suppose that's not a good thing to do, but I was thinking more along the lines of…"

"Don't impersonate people?" Levi offered.

"Bingo, buddy. And don't sneak out on your parents, either. They're probably worried sick about you right now! I'm going to have to go get them once this mess is done."

"We're sorry, Jessie," all four kids admitted when she finished freeing them.

"It won't happen again," Andy promised.

Jessie motioned for them to stand up. "Go home, now. Jesse, will you take the kids home and get their parents?"

"Okay," Jesse said. "Kids! Let's go!"

Jesse shooed the Order of the Phony out of the cave, leading them back to Beacontown. Once they were gone, Ranger crossed his arms and glared at the three remaining members.

"Bar-Nim might still think that those stupid kids are the New Order of the Stone, but the real facts can easily be explained to him," he said.

"Well, we're not planning on meeting him in person if that's what you mean, so tell your boss I said hi."

"Not one of your better one-liners, Jessie," Petra said.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. It's hard to come up with them on the fly."

"I hope you're better at fighting than you are art coming up with one liners." Ranger took out two short swords made from wolf jawbones.

"Let me guess," Jessie said with a sigh. "This is an ambush?"

"So perceptive." Ranger whistled.

The other bandits guarding the kids jumped out of their hiding places. It was six bandits against three heroes. Petra had her golden sword ready in a second, and Lukas nocked an arrow on his bow. But the funny thing is, neither side seemed very willing to attack. The bandits were unarmored and barely armed; their bone-based weapons stood little chance against metal swords and a bow. The New Order was reluctant to fight with the group of scraggly, obviously needy bandits, especially considering that one of them was only nine.

One of the bandits took advantage of the lull to make a getaway. Jessie saw her, a teen girl, dart away from her companions and dash out of the cave. She wouldn't have paid much attention to it if she hadn't noticed the green bandanna on the girl's head.

 _Strabo_.

If Bar-Nim had put the bandits in this cave to guard the kidnapped kids and Strabo was one of the bandits doing the guarding...did that mean…?

"Hey, look," she said to the bandits. "I don't really want to fight you guys."

"Yeah." Lukas lowered his bow. "We get that you're in a tight spot and have to make some tough decisions."

"I'd say," Ranger replied. "Bar-Nim is going to be beating on us if he finds out of that the kids escaped. And I'm pretty sure Strabo just ran off to rat on us."

Jessie was puzzled by that. "Why would she do that? Isn't she one of you?"

"Well, yeah, but if she tattles on us, Bar-Nim won't think it's her fault. Not very ethical of her, but this is Niat-nuom, after all. Sort of every man for himself."

"It doesn't have to be like this," Jessie said. "I like second chances. How many of you actually like working for Bar-Nim?"

None of them raised their hands.

"Why don't you come back to Beacontown with us?" she offered.

"Jessie!" Petra dissuaded. "That might be a bad idea."

Jessie ignored her. "It's not like we'll turn you in to the cops as soon as you get there. We're giving you a chance to turn a new leaf. Start over in Beacontown. How does that sound?"

There was a pause. The bandits glanced around and shifted from foot to foot as they thought about it. The nine-year-old was the first one to respond. He looked at his companions, then crossed the floor to stand next to Jessie.

"I'll go with her," he announced.

"Good man," Jessie said.

The middle-aged woman was next, taking a stand next to Petra. And after her, one by one, the bandits switched sides. Jessie held back a smile. It felt good to see them taking up her offer on a second chance. And she really did want to give one to them!

Ranger was the only one left. He remained on the other side of the cave, arms crossed in defiance.

"Come on," Lukas said. "This will be better for you."

"No way." Ranger backed up. "Not worth it."

"What do you mean, 'not worth it?'"

"Not worth it," Ranger repeated, then ran away. He bolted out of the cave and was gone before anyone could catch him.

"Darn it," Lukas muttered.

"I get the feeling that this might not be the last time we see him, either," Petra said.

"Maybe so." Jessie turned to leave. "Let's go home before Bar-Nim comes back."

They all left after that. The New Order of the Stone and the heel-face-turned bandits departed from Niat-nuom, heading to Beacontown. Jesse and the kids already had a big head start, so they didn't run into them on their way to town. They chatted lightly amongst themselves.

"Let's make sure something like this doesn't happen again," Lukas said. "That was scary."

"Those poor kids could have gotten into a lot of trouble," Jessie added. "I mean, yeah, they did something dumb, but they are just kids."

"I'm sure they'll get quite the lecture from their parents." (They did.)

"It'll be a lesson to them. No more posing as other people. It's better to be yourself."

"Corny but true."


	26. Christmas in December

**It's Christmas in Beacontown! For realsies this time. It's actually winter.**

 _Timeline: Three months after "Petra's Babysitting Service"_

Snow sparkled as it fluttered down from the clouds. It wasn't the first snow to hit Beacontown this year, but it definitely was the prettiest. Lukas drew back the curtains on the den window to get a full view of the flurry. He watched the forest and fields outside their house turn into a snowy dreamscape.

He smiled. "Cue the music!"

Across the room, Jessie chuckled and reached for a record sitting on a tabletop. She swept it up and slid it into the record player, and within a moment, smooth Christmas tunes floated through the air. Instrumental piano - Jessie's favorite. She sat back in her chair and went back to her project.

"I never knew you could knit," Lukas said. "When did you learn?"

"I don't really remember." Jessie finished a row and switched the needles in her hand. "It was some time when I was 12, I think."

"That long ago?"

"Yes. You guys never saw me knit because I've hardly had a chance to for years! I used to do it off and on back when I lived in the tree house, but Axel teased me for it once and I was too shy to do it in front of anyone."

"Axel teased you?"

"Yeah, he called me Grandma and demanded that I make him a scarf. That annoyed me, so I chased him around the tree house, caught him in a headlock, and gave him noogies."

Lukas chuckled as he imagined it. Jessie was tougher than she looked, this he well knew, and she could be almost as feisty as Petra when she was annoyed. He liked that about her. Heart of kindness, but not afraid to stand up for herself.

"A few more rows and then I'll be done," Jessie murmured. "Good."

"What are you making?"

Jessie held up the mostly-finished project. "A Christmas sweater for Zeke. How does it look?"

It was a soft, Zeke-sized sweater made in blue yarn. A cute little snowman graced the front. She'd also stitched a green Z on the back for his initials.

"D'aww!" Lukas said. "He's gonna look so adorable in that!"

Zeke, who was playing with his toys on the den floor, glanced up when his mom mentioned his name. When Jessie showed Lukas what she was knitting, Zeke looked at it in puzzlement, likely wondering what the fuss was. What was so awesome about a bunch of knotted-up yarn? Especially when Dewey came slinking into the den.

"Hey, Dewey." Lukas bent down and patted the ocelot's head. "How are you, boy?"

Dewey gave him what could best be described as a sarcastic glare, and then he turned his back, tail held high in indignation.

Lukas sighed. "You're still mad about how I had you declawed, aren't you?"

"Mrow!" Dewey responded, waving a clawless paw at blondie. "Mrow."

"I'm sorry! I didn't want to do it to you. But I had to make things safer for Zeke."

"Pfft!" Dewey made an odd spitting sound.

"Oh, come on!" Lukas complained. "Work with me, Dewey. Here, want a treat?"

The ocelot ignored Lukas's peace offering, turning aside with an air of feline grace. His display of superiority, however, was interrupted when he ran into Zeke. The baby giggled and clapped his hands. He crawled forward and captured Dewey in a big hug.

"Mrow!" Dewey protested. His tail went bushy in shock.

Zeke babbled happily, likely saying "I love you, Kitty!" in baby talk. Hugging a real ocelot was so much cooler than his soft toys. Dewey, who had been so haughty and independent just a moment earlier, now gave his owners a helpless look. Neither of whom made an attempt to rescue him from his adorable plight. Lukas just laughed, and Jessie went back to working on her knitting. She finished the last row and cast off, producing a freshly-made Christmas sweater.

"Zeke. Zeke, honey, come over here," she said, patting her lap. "Can you crawl to Mama?"

The baby cooed and let go of Dewey. The ocelot scrambled off to another part of the house. Zeke rolled over on his hands and knees, then scooted across the floor to Jessie. She picked him up, put him in her lap, and fit the sweater over his head. Zeke stood stunned for a second, then pulled on the sleeves and examined the snowman on his sweater. He didn't seem thrilled by his new threads, but he didn't try to remove the sweater either, so perhaps it was okay after all.

"Cool! He likes it," Lukas said. "At least I think he does…"

Jessie said, "Well, good. I hope the others like theirs, too."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I either made or bought a cheesy Christmas sweater for everyone in the New Order. You included."

Jessie opened up the box that her basket of yarn was sitting atop, revealing a collection of folded-up sweaters. Lukas had a sinking feeling that the one blaring "I LOVE COOKIES" in big green letters was his. He lifted it out of the box and held it out in front of him.

"It was me and Jesse's idea," she said, grinning. "He picked out the ones for Petra, Axel, Harper, and Ivor."

Lukas held up a white sweater that said "FOXY GRANDPA" on it, just like the T-shirt.

"Yeah, that one's for Ivor." Jessie looked a little embarrassed. "Like I said, Jesse picked that one out. Not me."

"Jesse's pretty excited for Christmas, isn't he?"

"Judging by the way he screams Christmas carols and throws tinsel on people on the street? I'd say yes."

"Uh oh."

"Yeah, be careful if you need to go do something at the Order Hall anytime soon, because he's lying in wait. He'll attack you with glitter-"

Lukas got the thousand-yard-stare all of a sudden.

"-ahem." Jessie remembered that she wasn't supposed to mention glitter around Lukas, not after his traumatic experiences with it. "I mean, he'll attack you with festive anything."

"Isn't he supposed to help you decorate around Beacontown?"

"Well, we already did most of the decorating. When I went to town last Saturday to do some holiday shopping, he asked me to help him with it. We hung up lots of wreaths and streamers, put salt on the sidewalks so they wouldn't get too icy, helped assemble the town Christmas tree, and a bunch of other stuff. Olivia is helping people string up their lights, because she's better with electricity than us. The only thing left to do is to hang up the banner over the Order Hall."

"Do you need me to help you with that?"

"Thanks, but I already told Jesse he had to do it with me. It'll give him something to do. I've had it with him singing carols while I'm trying to write records in the library. Do you know that he knows how to sing _every_ verse of Veni Veni Emmanuel in Latin?"

"And given the Order Hall's acoustics, it likely makes the place sound like a monastery."

"Yes, exactly. It creeps out the guests. Anyway, I was going to stop by later today so we could hang up the banner. We'll be hosting the New Order Christmas party at the Order Hall this year. Is that okay?"

"Mm-hmm, that's fine." Lukas nodded. "I feel bad for saying it, but I _really_ didn't want to have to go to my mom's Christmas party."

"I remember going to it that one year. Was that the one where you-"

"Fainted on the floor, I know."

Jessie laughed. "It was because your mom mentioned babies! And now that we actually have a baby…"

"It's all she talks about when I visit her, Jessie!" Lukas tugged on his hair in frustration. "'How's the baby, Lukas?' 'You need to bring Ezekiel to my house sometime, Lukas. I want to see him.' 'I'd be more than willing to babysit, Lukas.' 'Let me know when you're having your next child, Lukas.' She just won't let up!"

"Well, she did really want grandchildren."

"Yeah." Lukas sat in a chair. "I guess. But anyway, so we'll be having the party at the Order Hall? That'll be fine."

"Cool. I was thinking we'd go to the Christmas Eve service, then stay overnight at the Order Hall with everyone."

"I'll bake the cookies!" Lukas offered.

Jessie grinned. Blondie was the best at baking in the New Order. He couldn't cook to save his life, but he made the best cookies in the world. She could already imagine the crispy cake and the slightly-melted chocolate chips...the gingerbread spice...the delicate sugar cookies…

* * *

 _Christmas Eve_

A light Christmas snow congealed on Beacontown's sidewalks and buildings. A cold winter sun hung over the west horizon, and window icicles twinkled in the low glow. The city itself blinked and shimmered with an array of festive colors. All the businesses were closed for Christmas, church bells rang in tune to favorite carols, and everyone whom Lukas and Jessie (and Zeke) passed on the street seemed to be charged up with holiday energy.

"Best time of the year," Jessie remarked to him. Her scarf and skirt fluttered in the wind.

"Oh, definitely." Lukas adjusted Zeke's hat to make sure his head wasn't getting cold.

Jessie had a feeling that she, Lukas, and Zeke would be the last ones to arrive at the New Order party, but that was okay. Being fashionably late was fine! They'd get to skip that awkward part at the party when no-one knows what to do, so they just stand there awkwardly and talk about dumb stuff. Who wants to do that?

Besides, this gave them an opportunity to greet the other Beacontowners and wish them a good time. They dropped bits of treasure in the charity buckets whenever they passed a bell ringer on the street. Giving feels better than getting. They were at the Order Hall in a few minutes, just in time to see Jesse attempting to hang up a large banner over the front doors. He balanced precariously on a ladder; Olivia stood underneath and directed him.

"Do you need any help?" Jessie asked. "Jesse was supposed to wait until I got here to hang up the banner."

"Jesse? Wait for Christmas? Don't be silly," Olivia said. "He insisted on doing it _now_."

"I waited all month for this!" Jesse shouted from the ladder. "Olivia, where do you want it to go?"

She made a rectangle with her fingers. "A little to the left...smidge right...whoops, went too far. Scoot it a bit to the left...ah! That's just right. Okay, string it up."

Jesse hooked the corners of the banner on pegs fixed to the wall. The red fabric unfolded, revealing "Happy Christmas and Happy Holidays!" embroidered in pretty silver letters. Pleased with the result, he sighed and shimmied down the ladder.

"Love it," Olivia said, giving him a nod of approval.

"Awesome sauce!" Jesse smiled his trademark cheesy grin.

"Ah, it turned out good. Excellent," Jessie replied. "I had the banner made to say Happy Christmas _and_ Happy Holidays. That won't offend anyone, will it?"

"I don't think it will…" Olivia brushed her hair off her shoulders. "But let's get inside. It's too cold to stand out here talking."

"My fingers are gonna freeze off!" Jesse complained.

"Okay, everybody inside!" Olivia yanked the doors open, and her friends shuffled inside. As soon as they were inside, a wave of warmth hit them. Jesse sighed in delight and pulled off his silly fluffy mittens. Then he looked over at his sister, pointed at the backpack she carried, nodding.

"Yes, Jesse," she said. "I brought the sweaters."

"Yay!"

"Zeke's already wearing his," Lukas said, taking off Zeke's hat so he wouldn't get too warm in the Order Hall.

Sudden dread filled Olivia. "Sweaters? What do you mean, you brought the sweaters?"

"You'll see them in a second." Jessie shrugged off the backpack. "Can Lukas and I change out of our church clothes first? I'm not running around in a skirt anymore tonight."

It wasn't until she mentioned it that Olivia and Jesse noticed their clothes. Jessie was wearing a proper dress and cardigan, and Lukas had on dress pants and a matching jacket. Judging by their stiff postures, they didn't like their Sunday best.

"Oh. Right." Olivia pointed to an off-the-hallway room. "The w.c. is over there."

After taking a quick moment to change, Jessie, Lukas, and Zeke were back on the scene, now sporting their silly Christmas sweaters and more casual attire. Jessie's having reindeer and snowmen to match her son's sweater, and Lukas's to proclaim his love of cookies.

"And you brought one for everyone in the New Order?" Olivia unfolded her sweater and examined it. "A cookie wearing nerd glasses. 'Smart Cookie.' Hmm. I appreciate the sense of humor, but do I really have to wear it?"

"It's Christmas, Olivia. Work with us."

"Fine." She slipped it on, then adjusted the sleeves and waistband. "I guess this isn't so bad. Correct size. No itchy tag. Good cotton yarn...It's not so bad at all. Hey, I kind of like it!"

"Good." Jessie unpacked the rest of the sweaters. "Now we just need to make sure everyone has theirs on by the end of the night…"

Olivia checked her clock. "Well, it's early afternoon right now and Christmas Eve ends at midnight…"

"That'll work." Jesse winked. "What do you think of mine, Olivia?"

She looked at it. "Oh, again with the bad puns!"

Jesse's sweater had the front half of a dog plushie sewn to the front. "HAPPY HOWLIDAYS" arched across the top in blue letters. Jingle bells on the shoulders made for the finishing touch. Now he couldn't take a single step without jingle-jangling.

"Ring-a-ling. Hear them ring!" He spun in a circle to make the bells rattle.

"More like ding-a-ling," Olivia muttered to herself, but she couldn't help laughing anyway. "Okay, you guys. Let's get this Christmas party started. Lukas, you said you'd be baking the cookies?"

"On it!" Lukas handed Zeke to Jessie. "Hold on to Peanut, please?"

"Got him." Jessie huddled her son close. Lukas pranced away to the kitchen to start baking. Literally within seconds, the aroma of sugar and cinnamon floated through the air.

"Whoa! How did he do that so fast?" Olivia sniffed. "That smells delicious."

Jessie shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. Where are the others?"

They walked into the main room of the Order Hall, and she got her answer. The rest of her friend-family sat around the Round Table, chattering and laughing. Board games, holiday crafts, coloring pages, and pairs of reindeer antlers were strewn across the table.

"Hi, Jessie!" they shouted. "Happy Christmas!"

"Happy Christmas, you guys. Glad you could make it!" She went around the table, hugging everyone. Even Ivor couldn't resist a hug this time. Axel plopped a holly crown on her when she went over to hug him.

"Aw, thanks, Axel. I didn't know you did arts and crafts."

"Petra showed me how to make one." He chuckled and knotted together another branch. "Now I can't stop. I'm gonna make sure everyone has one by the end of the night."

"Oh, that reminds me." Jessie got out (from hammerspace? Eh, don't question it) the biggest of the sweaters and tossed it at Axel. "Got one for you, too."

"You got me an ugly sweater? Dude, these are so crazy." He put it on. "They're great. And mine has TNT on it, too!"

T'was true. Axel's featured dynamite sticks and "Naughty List" in goofy red letters. It had an itchy "Made in Boom Town" label on the neck, but other than that, Axel thought it was "killer awesome," whatever that meant. He kept bragging to Petra about how cool it was.

"Don't even think about it!" Petra gave Jessie The Look. "You are _not_ putting an ugly sweater on me."

Jessie tried to say something, but-

"Not even if it has a Miss Butter pattern on it. I don't want any goofy sweaters."

"We'll see about that!" Jessie made the I'm-watching-you sign at Petra.

"Okay, who's all in on this scheme to put silly Christmas sweaters on?" Ivor asked, standing up. "Jessie, you're wearing one. Zeke has one. So does Olivia...I saw Lukas go by and he had one on...and now Axel."

"Jesse and I," Jessie replied with a smirk. "I didn't even tell Lukas about it until a while ago."

"Say, where is Jesse?"

Right on cue, Jesse's singing voice blasted through the Order Hall.

"DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

"There he is!" Axel declared.

"How to have your favorite carol ruined for you," Petra muttered. "Have this dweeb singing it 40 times a day!"

"Tell him to sing something different," Olivia suggested.

"Okay. I'll do that." Petra waited until Jesse came charging into the room, throwing tinsel and glitter stars everywhere. She grabbed him by the back of his silly sweater.

"Dude, sing something else. I'm tired of that song."

"Okedokee. Anything for you, Petra." He blew a kiss at her. "See you under the mistletoe."

Humming the jingle bell rock, he waddled away to hang up more decorations in another room. Petra watched him leave, not really sure what to make of that comment or the blown kiss.

"That was...oddly flirtatious of him." She blinked.

"Yay, Jetra! Make that my Christmas present, you two." Olivia got the stars in her eyes. Bethlehem stars, to be exact. While everyone was distracted by Jesse's flirting and Olivia's fangirling, Jessie took advantage of the moment to get her next victim. She snuck up on Harper and slipped on Team Mom's sweater.

"Whup! Jessie!" Harper yelped in surprise. "What's this? Oh, you made a sweater for me, too? How thoughtful. And it's got reindeer and snowflakes on it. How sweet. Ivor, look! Now I can start a sweater collection like yours."

A sudden silence fell over the room. All eyes were on Harper and Ivor.

Petra tweaked her ear. "Did I hear that correctly?"

"No!" Ivor fibbed. "I don't have a sweater collection."

"Oh, my...Are they normal sweaters or…" Olivia made some bizarre faces as she tried not to laugh. Meanwhile, Ivor's complexion started to wheel through a spectrum of reds. Harper covered her mouth, realizing that she'd said too much.

"They're not...I meant that I...It's not really a collection…" Ivor sputtered, trying to come up with an excuse. "Ah, bother it! Say what you want, they're _warm_ and _comfortable!_ "

"Guys, guys, don't laugh," Jessie scolded, although she was holding in some giggles herself. "Be nice."

"I suppose you got one for me?" he asked her, arms crossed.

Very meekly she got out a white sweater (from hammerspace, I guess) and passed it to Ivor.

Ivor started to unfold it, then thought about it. "This had better not be a sweater version of that silly Foxy Grandpa T-shirt you got me for Hallowe'en."

"I didn't get you that T-shirt," she defended. "Lukas and I were on honeymoon just before that party."

"Then who did?"

"I don't know. That will just be a family mystery."

"I hate family mysteries!"

"Be a good sport, Ivor," Harper said. "Everyone else is wearing one...where's your holiday spirit?"

"I have lots of holiday spirit, thank you very much!" he bluffed as he shoved it on. "So there!"

While they went back in forth in one of those petty old-married-couple quarrels, a small sprig of leaves and berries on a string descended from the ceiling towards them. It took the others a second to realize that the mistletoe sprig was attached to a fishing pole. They followed the line and found…

"Olivia, what are you doing?" Petra looked quizzically at her.

"Just kiss already!" Olivia goaded Ivor and Harper.

"What are you talking about - Mistletoe?!" Ivor looked up in alarm at the little plant. "You used the mistletoe trap on us. Now that is just sneaky, young lady! Whatever happened to respect for elders?"

"Come here, you." Harper took him by the hands. She pulled him into a nice kiss. A ripple of applause went up from the kids, and Olivia squealed for joy.

"Christmas! Hooray for mistletoe!" She pumped a triumphant fist in the air. "Score one for Olivia."

Lukas came trotting into the room right about then, carrying a platter of freshly baked cookies. He'd done a splendid job - they were crispy on the edges, but still pliable enough to gently break apart, and of course the delicious half-melted chocolate chips sealed the deal. He couldn't cook worth a hill of beans, but he was a master baker.

"Hey, everyone, I brought the cookies and-" He paused and surveyed the scene. "Aw, I always miss all the fun!"

"Not true! I still have the mistletoe on a stick." Olivia threw the fishing pole over her shoulder as if it were a musket. "There are more ship moments where that came from."

Lukas's plate of cookies didn't survive very long. They didn't stand a chance against a group of hungry New Order members, especially when Axel was involved. Axel chowed down four in a row. Lukas watched his cookies disappear so quickly, it was almost a Christmas miracle.

He got a hope spot when Olivia dropped a whole cookie back on the plate. But then Jesse came running back into the room.

"HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING!" he sang at the top of his lungs. "GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING! PEACE ON EARTH AND - Oh boy! Cookies!"

"No, wait, Jesse-I was going to-" Lukas protested, but it was too late. Jesse swiped the cookie off the plate before Lukas so much as reached for it. He munched on his snack before striking up the rest of the song and running off again. Lukas gazed, forlorn, at the empty plate.

"I didn't even get one…" he muttered.

"Sorry," Axel said, not really sorry at all. "Tough break, bro. You could always make more."

"But I just finished baking those!"

"Don't fight, boys." Harper unfolded a napkin.

"Harper!" Lukas said, sounding remarkably like a tattling child. "Tell Axel to stop eating all my cookies."

She gave him a mom-stare. "Lukas Porter-Taber. You are a married man and a father. Don't tattle on Axel like you're seven years old."

"Sorry." He looked down at the floor. "I guess she's right."

"Just like I'm right." Axel puffed out his chest.

"No, you're not. We need to mediate this dispute."

"We need to what the what-now?"

"We'll settle this like men."

"True." Axel stood up, pulled off one of his gloves, and threw it at Lukas's feet. "In that case - Lukas, I challenge you to a snowball fight!"

Lukas scooped up the glove. "I accept!"

Olivia frowned. "That's not really that manly-"

"Shh," Jessie interrupted. "This is gonna be good."

"Your husband and your friend think that the best way to settle a dispute like men is to have a _snowball fight?_ "

Apparently no-one else agreed with Olivia that the idea was stupid, because everyone soon vacated their seats and headed outside to watch the fight.

"We're burning daylight," Jessie said. "We need to get this snowball duel hashed out before it gets dark."

Olivia sighed and followed them outside, hastily zipping up her winter jacket and putting on a hat. It was still light out, but the snow had stopped falling a little while ago. A thick white blanket covered Beacontown, largely undisturbed. It was so pretty, so pure, that the gang felt a little bad about ripping it up to make snowballs.

"Here's a good spot!" Axel waddled out into an almost knee-deep layer of snow over the Order Hall backyard. "Okay, I'll build a fort and you can make one, too. Then we'll start the fight. Give me plenty of room, 'kay?"

Lukas sort of half-walked, half-hopped through the snow until he was a couple meters away from Axel. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, that's good." Axel started pulling up snow into a mound for his fort. "Okay, first to surrender is the loser and the guy who's wrong about the cookies."

"I think the stakes should be higher than that," Blondie replied. "How about...if I win, I get the whole next batch of cookies to myself?"

"And if you lose?" Axel put his hands on his hips.

"Then...um…you get the whole next batch."

"Deal!"

Axel bent down to finish up his snow fort. He was better at wrecking things than building them, so his fort wasn't much more than a mound of snow formed into a crude wall shape. But it would hold, he figured. How hard could little Lukas throw, anyway? He glanced up to see what Blondie was doing.

"Holy wow!" he yelled when he saw his opponent's snow fort. As opposed to Axel's silly mound of snow, Lukas had practically built a miniature castle. It had towers, battlements, turrets, and everything. And he'd built it in no time flat!

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Lukas cackled, standing well-protected behind his fort. "Knock this one down, buddy!"

Axel swept up a chunk of snow and wadded it into a large snowball. "You're gonna eat those words, haybale hair! UGH!"

Axel heaved the snowball. It missed Lukas's castle by a good two meters.

"Nice shot," was all Lukas managed. He was trying to be a good sportsman, but it came off as just patronizing.

"Dang it!" Axel whipped more snowballs at Lukas.

"Overly competitive," Olivia said to Jessie.

Axel ducked and dodged as Lukas unloaded a barrage of snowballs at him, pausing occasionally to throw some of his own. The others watched the barrage of cold ammo fly back and forth, impacting the ground like little bombs. It was hard to tell who was winning. Lukas had the stronger snow fort, but Axel had a better arm. Blondie was better at shooting a bow and arrow than throwing things. The war raged on for several minutes, until the tides started to turn.

How? Well, Petra was standing a little too close to Lukas's snow castle. Axel mis-threw a snowball. By the time anyone realized the impending doom, it was already set on its course.

WHAM! Petra got the snowball square in her face. A gasp went up from the others! Axel covered his mouth with his hands. The snow slipped off Petra's face, revealing a furious expression. Axel stammered a stream of apologies, but Petra bent down, scooped up a bunch of snow, and whipped one right back at him.

And everything went pell-mell from there. Within seconds, the rest of the group was in on the fight. Jesse cackled like he'd lost his mind as he flung snowballs every which way. Petra jumped and dodged out of the way with ninja precision. Harper joined in on the fun, too, and she had a surprisingly good arm for someone who wasn't used to snow.

Only Ivor and Jessie held back. Ivor because he was an ol' stick in the mud (or would it be stick in the snow?) and Jessie because she was holding on to Zeke. She still cheered Lukas on, though. Zeke, blissfully unaware of the ferocity of the battle, held out his tiny hands as a flurry of snow started to fall from the clouds again. He tried to catch snowflakes. He sulked when they melted before he could get a good look at them.

"Snow is so pretty. Isn't it, Zeke?" Jessie asked, bouncing him in her arms a bit.

"Ga da ba da ga ga," he babbled back.

"That's right." She adjusted his hat.

Meanwhile, the fight started to wear down slightly. Olivia had somehow, while no-one was paying attention, built a snowball cannon. Snowballs poured out of the dispenser, and she spun it around to make sure everyone got a share from it. Lukas ducked for cover behind his snow castle. The others started running for shelter.

"That's not fair!" Axel bellowed. "Olivia's cheating. She can't use a cannon."

"Untrue!" she countered.

"It is. There's nothing in the rules about building a cannon."

"Oh, yeah? Is there anything in the rules about how I can't build a cannon?"

"Well...no…"

"Loose interpretation!" Olivia threw up her arms and did the jazz hands. "Eat snow!"

She threw the lever to spit out a new round of ammo, but instead, the dispenser just clicked.

"Oh, no!" she squealed. "I'm out of ammo. Medic!"

Jesse threw a snowball at her. "You don't call a medic when you're out of ammo. Geez, woman! Don't you know anything about war?"

Olivia didn't like that comment. She told him so by throwing a snowball right at his mouth.

"Pfft! Ugh!" Jesse doubled over, spitting.

"Ha! That's what you get."

The spat continued, even though Olivia lost her high ground. But not for much longer. Ivor took a snowball to the face. The game screeched to a halt, and an ominous silence hung over the group. It was a long, tension-filled moment. And then they realized that it was HARPER who threw it…

"Oh, very funny." Ivor wiped off the snow. "Betrayed by my own wife. How could you do that to me?"

"Don't be so dramatic, dear." Harper chuckled. "It was just a snowball."

"Hmmph." Ivor trudged back towards the hall. "Let's go back inside."

"You know, I second that." Jessie followed him.

"Yeah, me too," said several others.

"My nose is cold." Lukas abandoned his snow castle. "I could go for another batch of cookies."

"It's getting dark out, too." Olivia looked at the red western sky.

Jessie took advantage of the lull to get her last sweater victim for the night. She caught Petra off-guard and shoved the sweater over her head. Petra gasped and flailed her arms out. Zeke clapped and giggled.

"No!" Petra wailed. "I promised myself this wouldn't happen to me and - Oh, hey, this isn't so bad. Aww, it really does have little Miss Butters on it. You think of everything, Jessie."

Petra was more happy than she'd like to admit about her red sweater with a golden sword pattern on it. She smoothed it and adjusted the sleeves as the group filed inside. They sighed as the heat washed over them. After shedding their jackets, the gang went not to the main room, but to the fireplace room. Lukas wandered off to the kitchen to bake some more cookies.

It was a cozy, cute room in just the right size and mood for relaxing after the holiday hijinks. It had a wooden floor, soft couches, green wallpaper, and tall bookcases. A pretty fire crackled behind the fireplace flue. The gang flopped on the couches to take a load off. Jessie entertained them with stories - some Christmas tales, some not, but all fun. Zeke charmed the group by being his cute little self.

A few minutes later, Lukas paraded into the room with a plate full of warm-from-the-over cookies. This time, he got a good taste of his own handiwork. The sugar cookies were too crisp on the edges, he thought, but the chocolate chippers were just perfect. That was his best recipe. Olivia prowled around the room with her mistletoe on a string, but she was in for a little surprise when she tried dangling it over Ivor and Harper.

"Wait a minute...Are they asleep?" She pulled the mistletoe away. "Wowza! They fell asleep, you guys. I guess it's been a long day for them."

It was true. Ivor and Harper had nodded off in the middle of one of Jessie's stories, falling asleep in each other's arms as they sat on the couch. Jesse had to shush Olivia to keep her from waking them up with her fangirling.

More people started reclining on the couches, Jessie and Lukas included. They snuggled up next to each other, holding Zeke in their arms. Jessie rested her head on Lukas's shoulder. He hooked his arm around her back and held her close. He glanced up and looked around the room. The others were dozing off, curling up on the couches and throwing blankets over themselves. So peaceful. So sweet. He could almost hear Silent Night playing in his mind.

"Hey," he whispered to Jessie. "Happy Christmas, sweetheart."

She smiled. "Happy Christmas, Lukas."

* * *

 **HAPPY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!**

 **With love from TealEmpress**


	27. Small and In Charge

**Jessie falls ill with the flu and needs to stay home while it runs its course. No hero work for her. But Jesse is out of town and and she doesn't trust anyone else with the task, so she leaves Radar in charge. And, of course, everything goes wrong that day for the poor intern.**

 **I apologize if you don't like Radar. It's just that I have a blast writing for him.**

 **Hope the length makes up for the wait.**

Late winter was always sick season in Beacontown. Every year, strains of colds and flus would spin through town and leave behind crowds of coughing, tissue-toting citizens. Axel retreated to Boom Town and Olivia scurried back to Redstonia in order to avoid getting sick. Petra decided that it would be a great time to take David and hit the road, her excuse being that she needed to "keep the peace around the borders" or whatever. Lukas shut himself up in the house to protect himself from the germy city. Jessie, unfortunately, could do no such things because of her job. Eventually, her luck at avoiding sickness ran out.

Jessie didn't know how she caught the flu, but it came on with a vengeance. She woke up one morning feeling as though someone had crammed wool into her skull during the night. Her body heat flared with a fever. Even though she'd gotten a full night of sleep, she still felt fatigued. The last thing she wanted to do was climb out of bed, strap on heavy armor, and do hero work.

"Oh, come on," she said to herself. "Okay, Jessie. Tough it out. It's just a little cold."

She battled the overwhelming urge to go back to sleep. After lying there for a minute working up the will to do so, she pushed off the blankets and oozed out of bed. Lukas stirred when he felt the mattress and duvet moving, but remained asleep.

Jessie stood upright and immediately regretted it. The headache doubled in fierceness and now had vertigo accompanying it. She almost swooned on the spot from it. After leaning over the bed to keep from collapsing, Jessie shuffled to the wc to wash up. The fever made it hard for her to tell if she was warm or cold. She couldn't even look too far to the left or right without making her headache worse.

"Forget it," she muttered. This wasn't a little cold; it was full-on flu. She was definitely _not_ going to be able to be Hero in Residence today. Not unless she had powers to bring herself back to health with sheer willpower. Abandoning her efforts to start the morning routine, she stumbled back to the bedroom, kicked off her fuzzy piggy slippers, and climbed back into bed.

Lukas woke up and turned over to face her. "Jessie? What are you doing?"

"Not going to-" Jessie broke into a coughing fit. "-Not going to...can't go do hero stuff today. I think I've caught the flu."

"Oh no! I had a feeling that might happen, what with it being sick season and all." Despite being around Jessie's germs all night, he seemed fine. But even so, Jessie scooted a smidge away from him, worried that she might infect him.

"You'd better steer clear of me," she warned. "I don't want to get you sick."

"Right." He had reached out to brush her hair out of her face, something he tended to do when he was concerned about her, but he quickly retracted his hand. "Um...So you're going to have to call in sick?"

"Do you think Beacontown can survive without a hero on call for one day?"

"I hope they can." Lukas shucked off his blankets and climbed out of bed. "But doesn't it take a few days for flu to clear up?"

"Okay, a few days without a hero on call," Jessie corrected. "Huh...Maybe I'll have to have someone hold down the fort while I'm sick. Lukas?"

He started. "Oh, no. Not me. I'm not really the bold leader type. Heh-heh. I consider myself infrastructure."

"Not that, honey. I was just going to ask if you had any ideas for who to put in charge. It can't be any random person. I don't trust a lot of people to take care of Beacontown...heck, I don't even trust everyone in our famil- _friend group_ to do it."

"Oh." He sounded a little upset.

"Wait, wait! I didn't mean it like that." Jessie sat up a little. "I mean, it's like what you said - they're not all suited for the kind of leadership that I do. Axel is used to a pretty anarchist system. Petra hates politics, so she's a no-go. Olivia can shepherd a class of students, but not an entire town. And I don't think I trust anyone outside our circle to be boss over town for a couple of days. A lot can happen in a few days."

She had to stop, because her talking was making her throat sore. Lukas went to the wc and got a glass of water for her.

"Thanks," she said after taking a sip. "Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could have Ivor hold down the fort?"

Lukas shook his head. "We can't. He's on jury duty today."

"What? Jury duty?"

"Yeah, you know that guy you busted a month or so ago for beating up civilians and robbing them?"

"Yes, I remember that. It's a good thing we got him."

"Well, his trial is today and Ivor got chosen for the jury pool."

"No way! Really?"

"He was angry about it, too. He was going to see a play tonight and now he can't. He wants a refund for his tickets."

"That's awful!"

"I know. And it was _The King of Boomtown and I!_ That's an awesome musical. What a shame he's gonna miss it."

"Not that!" Jessie tossed a pillow at Lukas. "I don't have anyone to leave in charge of Beacontown! Where am I going to find someone who knows Beacontown law, emulates my leadership, and is conscientious enough to uphold…"

She paused, figuring out the answer to her own question.

"It's worth a try," Lukas told her. "Do you want to call him?"

* * *

"Me?!" Radar squeaked. "You want _me_ to be _in charge_ of _Beacontown?!_ "

"That's right," Jessie's voice crackled over the CB radio. "I caught the flu, so I need to stay home and rest for a couple of days."

Radar let out a hoarse gasp. "You're sick with the flu! Oh my gosh! You gotta get to the hospital right now!"

"No, no...Radar, sweetie, I'm fine. I just need to rest and stay hydrated." Jessie coughed. "Lukas is taking care of me and Zeke-"

"Zeke and I," Lukas, ever one for correct grammar, interrupted in the background. Radar could picture Jessie rolling her eyes.

"-Anyway, Lukas is busy taking care of us, and you're the only other person I trust to do a good job of holding down the fort, so do you think you can do that for me? Please?"

"Can I get service hours for it?"

"Um…" Jessie paused. "I don't know. You'd have to ask your teacher. Didn't you get your service hours for this semester already?"

"No, it's the third quarter now, so I've got to get ten more hours in before graduation." Radar sighed. "Although I need an extra five hours for my service club at school, too, but that's not a problem because I also sort cans and stuff at the city food bank."

"Radar?"

"You wouldn't believe how many cans of tuna and boxes of pasta people donate. I'm starting to see tuna cans in my sleep now. I mean, I like seafood, but I don't know if I like it that much. I'd get sick of tuna if I had to eat it week after week."

"Radar."

"Oh! And the packages of ramen. We get loads of those, too. I hear they're not really good for you because they have a lot of salt. But they are cheap and they keep for a long time, so I guess that's why people donate them so much, but maybe-"

"Radar!"

"Gah!" he yelped. "Oops. Was I getting off topic?"

"Sort of. I'm proud of you for your volunteerism, but I really do need your help today." Jessie broke into a coughing fit again. "Just head down to the Order Hall. People will drop by every so often - some of 'em are fans, most are people asking for something, every now and then you get a hater - just give them what they need as best as they can. You can do it. I believe in you."

Click! Jessie hung up. Radar paused for a moment, then let out a squeal.

"Jessie believes in me!" He did a happy dance in the kitchen. "Yay! Yay!"

"Be quiet!" someone in the next apartment yelled. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Sleep is for the weak!" Radar retorted, then went to find his planner. After combing through the kitchen and the hall closet, he went into his room and found the planner under his pillow. He must have fallen asleep while scheduling again. Radar picked the planner up, grabbed a pen on the way out of his apartment, and headed into downtown Beacontown, feeling like a million pieces of gold. In charge of Beacontown! He was in charge of _Beacontown_! The coolest city in the world!

He said "Hi!" to everyone he crossed paths with, because that was what Jessie would do. If he was going to stand in for his boss, Radar figured that he should emulate her. He even tried imitating her stride. He looked sort of dumb doing it, but he never noticed.

No sooner had he stepped into the Order Hall than he got his first task of the day. A young woman with curly hair and purple lipstick accosted him upon his entry into the Hall.

"Uh, hi!" he said nervously, disconcerted by the girl's sour expression. "What do you need?"

"It's Margie...Margaret to you," she said grouchily. "I came here to talk to Jessie, not whatever you are. Where is she?"

"Taking a sick day," Radar replied, voice squeaking a little.

"Oh, really?" Margie leaned in.

"Uh...yep. She's got the flu and staying home with Lukas. I can help you, though."

"Ugh! I'm still not over that, you know."

"Over what?"

"How my bae went and picked _Jessie_! I wanted Lukas to be mine. He was my sweet baboo!"

"Your _what_?" Radar hadn't a clue what the heck a 'sweet baboo' was. "I'm...very sorry to hear that, Margie. But what do you need?"

"I've had to settle for boyfriends of lesser caliber. Bounced from heart to heart...from heartache to heartache!" Margie put a hand on her forehead melodramatically. Uncomfortable, Radar edged away from her.

"Seriously, what do you _need_? Why were you going to talk to Jessie?"

She turned on him, eyes blazing. "You want to know? Do you want to know _why_ I, oft-scorned Margie, wish to speak with Jessie, the woman who married the man _I_ love?"

"Uh…" Radar secretly reached for the pepper spray in his jacket pocket.

"Do you want to know _why_ , after _years_ of heartache, I want to speak to the _woman_ who brought it upon me by taking the man _I_ love?" She was so up in his face by now that her nose nearly touched his.

"Um…"

" _Do you want to know?!_ "

"Yes…" he squeaked.

"Okay. We're out of red sandstone. I was going to ask Jessie to order some more." Margie, bizarrely serene, got out of Radar's face.

A little dazed, Radar got out his notebook and marked down Margie's request. "Sure. Yeah. I can ask Jessie about that when she gets back."

"Cool. Thanks, uh, whatever your name is." Margie walked away, leaving a stunned Radar on the Order Hall steps.

"That was...really weird," he said to himself. "Golly."

After taking a minute to recover, Radar went inside the Hall and looked for Jessie's office. He knew the layout of the Hall by heart now: the spare bedrooms (in case an Order member wanted to stay overnight), the library (Lukas's favorite room), the kitchen (Lukas's other favorite room), the treasure room, the meeting area with the Round Table, and so on.

When not out in the field, Jessie worked from a little office in the front of the Order Hall. It was a cute room with plush pigs lined up on the window sill and kid's fan art taped to the walls. Radar took a seat behind her desk, grinning to himself as he sat in her spinny chair. He felt so professional!

"I could be a cubicle warrior!" he proclaimed, spinning in the chair. "After all, my mom wants me to be a lawyer. Or a doctor. I can't be a doctor though. I get sick at the sight of blood."

The mountain of paperwork on Jessie's desk would be the judge of Radar's skills, though. Dozens, probably hundreds, of pages and envelopes littered the desktop. Fan mail, letters from Jessie's friends, notes, diagrams, schedules, political paperwork...the mere presence of it would terrify any secretary. Radar gulped at the paper mountain before him and struggled to sort it. It took him an hour and a half to just get the heap separated and organized.

Before he could get to actually doing something about the paperwork, there was a knock on the door. The person burst into the room before Radar could even offer for them to come in. In fact, a gaggle of random people started filing into the room, crowding around the desk.

Bug-eyed, Radar stammered, "Hi there. I'm Radar. Jessie can't come to the desk right now, so please leave a message at the sound of the-oh wait. Uh...what do you people need?"

"Thieves! Thieves in Beacontown!" the people babbled, then started individually chattering about what had been stolen from them. The swamp of sound made Radar anxious and he felt like taking cover under the desk.

"Woah!" he squeaked. "Everyone calm down. I'll get this sorted out. Who are the thieves? What do they look like?"

The people looked at each other, then at Radar, then back at each other, then back at Radar, and shrugged collectively. Radar resisted the urge to facepalm.

"We don't, um, remember. Just go out there and get them."

With that utterly useless information, Radar trudged out of Jessie's office to figure out who was stealing stuff. He wondered if Jessie got such unhelpful criminal complaints when she was didn't even make it to the sidewalk outside the Order Hall. A crowd of people thronged around the building, clamoring and waving signs.

"Uh oh…" Radar mumbled to himself. "Is that…"

"Urban sprawl is the death of us all!" the crowd of protesters chanted. They waved green flags and sassy picket signs. The environmentalists of Beacontown had struck again. Inwardly, Radar panicked. Could they have possibly picked a worse day to do this? Not now! Not today! Not when Jessie wasn't around to handle something like this!

"You people, uh, need to shoo!" Radar made shooing motions at the protesters. "Please? If you don't mind."

"We don't want to leave," the protesters insisted. "Not until you stop this nasty urban sprawl. It's killing the forests! It's leaving the animals homeless. You can't support it with a clean conscience."

"Oh, shut up!" another group of people yelled back, walking onto the scene. "Of course we need to expand Beacontown. Who cares about animals without homes when there are plenty of homeless _people_ in Beacontown?"

"We need to be more space-efficient!"

"We need more space, period. That's why we have to expand the city!"

Radar watched the protesters and counter-protesters argue with each other, feeling frozen. Everyone was expecting him to do something. He wished that Jessie was here right now. Jessie would know what to do! She'd know exactly what to say to make the people stop fighting and go away. Jessie never worried that she wasn't doing the right thing.

* * *

"Oh, man. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."

Jessie sat on top of her bed, back propped against the pillow. She _would_ crawl under the covers, but her fever persisted. The last thing she wanted was to be even warmer - how uncomfortable! A box of tissues and a glass of water were on the nightstand next to her. An empty ice cream pail lay on the floor nearby - Lukas wanted her to have it in case she felt like she was going to throw up. So far, Jessie hadn't been plagued by any such urges, but she knew that Lukas liked to take precautions.

She was reading a draft of a children's book that Lukas had wrote. It was a simplified and softer version of the New Order's origin story. Colored pencil illustrations, cartoony and fun, were stuck between the pages. Each one had Nell's signature on the back.

"I never knew Nell was so good at drawing," Jessie mused as she examined the artwork. "Lukas definitely made the right choice for his illustrator."

"Aww, thanks, honey!" Lukas said, poking his head through the door. "I'm going to tell Nell that. She'll be thrilled. Well, 'stoked' or 'psyched' would be what she would say…"

"She would say that." Jessie shut the book. "For someone who never saw the Witherstorm, she did a pretty good job of drawing it. It looks like some kind of magic space squid, but then again, that was sort of what it was."

"Like a mix of Cerebus, a Kraken, a demon, and a black hole?"

"Yeah." Jesse nodded. "Yeah. That's about right."

"Here. I brought you something." Lukas set a small foam container on the nightstand, along with a plastic spoon. "Try not to spill, though."

Jessie pulled off the lid. Inside the container was a warm serving of minestrone soup. A thick, tasty-smelling steam rose from it.

"Soup. This should help clear up the blah a little. Thanks, Lukas." Jessie dipped the spoon in the soup.

"No problem. I would get chicken noodle, but they were out of it at the diner. I know you don't like cream soups or chowders. The minestrone was the only broth soup left."

"It's fine, Lukey. I like minestrone. How is Zeke doing?"

"I think he misses you. He reaches out towards your room whenever I walk past while carrying him."

"Aww," she sighed. "But I can't be around him for now. I'd make him sick."

"I know."

Jessie was quiet for a while.

"It's not your fault," Lukas told her, prompting a smile from her. "You caught the bug. Things will be back to normal in no time."

"Thanks for going to all this trouble," Jessie piped up. "You're doing a good job of taking care of us both. Super-dad skills."

"Oh, you. I'm Super Dad?"

"Pfft! Definitely!"

* * *

"Ladies, gentlemen," Radar said as loudly as he could, trying to get the crowd to listen. "I'm sorry, but we can't do anything about the urban sprawl right this second. Jessie will probably want to call a committee on it...do a vote…"

"Boo! Politics!" the crowd complained. "We want results. What kind of intern are you?"

Radar blushed, personally offended. "Hey! That was uncalled for. Look, can you people please...scram? We can't do anything right now, so there's not really a need to protest. Why don't you come back later and we'll talk?"

Muttering, the group started to disperse. Radar nodded, happy that he got the situation sort of under control. But when the group started to break apart, he spotted something that made his blood go cold.

Among the crowd, attempting to sneak away without being seen, were two familiar faces. As familiar as they could be with bandanas over their faces, though. Radar gulped when he saw a flash of platinum blond hair and a green bandana.

"Strabo and Micah?" he whispered, backing up against the wall. "What are they doing here?"

He adjusted his glasses and looked again, but as suddenly as they appeared, Strabo and Micah faded into the crowd again. Radar lost track of them. He nervously got out his notebook and wrote a reminder to himself. Let Jessie know that they had been lurking in Beacontown again.

For a second, Radar couldn't remember why he had stepped out of the Order Hall in the first place, but then it came back to him. Now that the protesters were gone, he could look for the petty thieves again...wherever the heck they were. He skipped down the steps and walked onto the sidewalk, hands in his jacket pockets.

He got as far as the town sign. At first, he didn't think anything was wrong, but then he did a double take.

"Oh, no! Who vandalized the sign?"

Once again, the "Welcome to Beacontown" sign had been defaced into "Come to Bacontown." Radar facepalmed. Guess who would have to fix that?

Muttering about needing paint and stencils, the intern trudged back to the Hall. That was where Jessie kept the supplies. Seeing as though kids defacing the town sign was a common occurrence, she kept a stash of paint and brushes in her office for fixing the damage. Sighing dramatically, Radar returned to her office to look for the paint.

He ducked under the desk and started rooting around for the supplies. He choked and sneezed from the dust bunnies. Stuff rattled around as he opened boxes and rifled through them, not finding what he was looking for. Radar was making so much noise, in fact, that he couldn't hear footsteps approaching.

"Excuse me? Is anyone here?" a cute female voice asked.

"Gah!" Radar jumped in surprised and banged his head on the underside of the desk. "Owwie!"

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?"

Rubbing his head, Radar stood up. "Yeah, just bumped my head a little and…"

He trailed off. Standing in front of the desk was a girl, no older than him, smiling sweetly and holding a big yellow envelope. She had deep brown skin, hair in loose curls, smart glasses sitting on her button nose, and honey-colored eyes. She wore a sensible cardigan and matching skirt with tights. She was the freaking cutest thing he'd ever seen. Radar felt his heartbeat triple in speed and suddenly lost his ability to speak intelligently.

She introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Sonar. What's your name?"

"Duh...uh...yeah-huh…" Radar stammered. "Uh...hi...whad'ya need?"

"Beg pardon?" Sonar asked, with a voice like a sweet little bell. "I don't think I understood what you said. Could you repeat it, please?"

Radar took a deep breath, face blushing a spectrum of pinks, and stuttered, "I'm...my name...is Radar. Jessie's intern. Hi. Huh-uh...what do you need?"

"I just wanted to drop off this letter for Jessie," Sonar explained, showing Radar the envelope. "It's from the publishing company in Redstonia. They accepted Lukas's latest manuscript, and this is the confirmation letter. It's express mail, so please be careful with it."

Radar took the letter from Sonar as if she was handing him a baby butterfly. He hoped that she wouldn't notice how much his hands were shaking.

"So you work for Jessie?" Sonar asked him after he took the letter.

"Y-yes."

"That's superb! I'm sure she's an excellent boss. You work for a true paragon of leadership, Radar."

 _Oh, snap! She's smart, too!_ "Right! Totally! She's the best. I don't want to quit this job."

"Are you all right, Radar? It seems to me that you are somewhat nervous. Is that true?"

"Uhh…" Radar droned. "I...just...um...have social anxiety. A teeny bit. That's all."

"Ah, I see; I understand. Anxiety disorders can be so dreadful. I think I know how you feel. I have a touch of anxiety myself."

"You do?"

"Yes, and that is why I prefer to work from my office. Still, you needn't feel ashamed of your social anxiety, Radar. Having a disorder is never your fault. I think you're very brave for being open about it."

"D-d-d-d-thank you. That's a really good, um, perspective to have. You have a smart way of looking at things."

"What a sweet thing to say! You're one nice fellow, Radar. Jessie is lucky to have you as an intern."

Radar pressed his lips together, inwardly freaking out. On one hand, Sonar was getting cuter by the minute and he desperately wanted to tell her how he really felt. But on the other hand, that was a _terrifying idea!_ What if she didn't like him that way? What if she was only acting polite for her job?

"Radar?" Sonar asked softly.

"Huh?"

She looked him in the eye. "May I have a pencil and paper, please?"

"Absolutely! Anything!" Radar scrambled to find a blank sheet of paper and a pencil. When he found them, he almost threw them into her hands. "What do you need them for?"

Sonar wrote something down on the paper, then smiled as she passed it to Radar. "Here's my address. I assume that you want to be friends, and I would be very willing to be friends. Visiting...writing letters...both are delightful. It's a pleasure to have met you."

"Gosh! Thanks, Sonar."

"It's not a bother at all. Good-bye for now! I hope to hear from you again soon." Sonar gave him a cute little wave and walked out of the office.

Radar held the note with trembling hands. He stared at the numbers and names on the paper as if they were holy Scripture. Hoping that Sonar wasn't in earshot anymore, he belted out a high-pitched scream of excitement, triumph, and terror.

Then the door flew open again, and for a second, Radar was worried that Sonar had heard him scream. But instead, two guys and a dog entered the room in a flash of blue hair, baldness, and bones.

"Whoa! What a scream. Is everything okay?" a British voice asked. Dan TDM stood in front of the desk with Dr. Trayaurus and Grim. He looked a bit surprised.

Radar stuffed Sonar's note into his pocket, giggling nervously. "Nope! Just, err, letting out steam! I've heard that screaming can be therapeutic."

"Huh." Dan turned to Dr. "Did you know that?"

Dr. snuffled and shook his head slightly. Dan thought that meant "no, I didn't know that," but in reality, Dr. was trying to say "no, it's not therapeutic." Who was the doctor here, after all?

"Ahem." Radar stood up straight. "You haven't been to Beacontown in a while, Dan. What are you here for?"

"I wanted to visit Stacy and Stampy," Dan explained, "since I haven't been here for a while. Like you said. I was just wondering if Jessie would be okay with watching Dr. and Grim here while I'm doing that."

"Wait...you want me to watch them?"

"No, I want Jessie to watch them."

"But Jessie's sick. She left me in charge."

"Oh. Well, I guess I actually do want you to watch them, then." Dan shrugged. "Is that okay?"

Radar's eye twitched.

"Radar?"

* * *

Lukas glanced up. Soapy water dripped from his hands. He left the half-wished dishes in the sink and went to check on Jessie.

"Did you hear that?" he asked.

"I wasn't the only one?"

"Yeah, it sounded like a scream. Muffled, but really loud."

"Huh."

They glanced around, then bit their lips and looked at each other nervously.

"Um…"

"Ah…"

Jessie shrugged. "Don't worry, it's probably not Radar. He hasn't called me in a panic yet. I'm sure he's doing a fine job of running Beacontown by himself."


	28. The Battle of Beacontown

**This is so dumb, but it was fun to write.**

 **It's my first time writing for Jack and Nurm. Let's see how this goes.**

 **A line of stupid collectible stuffed animals hits the stores, and practically everyone in Beacontown wants them. Including Nurm, much to the chagrin of Jack, who must brave the hectic stores to acquire one for his buddy...pray for him.**

 **Inspired by the Cabbage Patch Kids riots of the 1980s. Hoo boy.**

 _One month after "Small and In Charge"_

Let's just get something established here. Jack hated fads. With a passion. He couldn't understand the appeal of pet rocks when he was a kid, so he definitely couldn't appreciate the fascination with fidget spinners when he was a grumpy middle-aged man. He thought that chasing after something that would be arbitrarily deemed "no longer hot" next year was, to put it in succinct language, dumb. Plain dumb, he called it, and a waste of treasure. The value of a gold scarab armlet from the deserts of Shamesh-Shamgar was timeless. Jack knew that because he had one, and the asking price only went up with the years. But the value of a rock in a box or a spinning trinket? Pfft. That'd be lucky to last eighteen months.

So you can understand his scorn when he walked past a shop window one day and caught sight of Beacontown's latest fad. He wasn't looking at it in particular; he'd just glanced idly at it while walking down the sidewalk, but what he saw made him backtrack and get a second look. With mild disgust, he beheld the sight within: a few cutesy stuffed animals with a sign sitting in front of them. The little group around the sign consisted of an ocelot, a pig, an unusually adorable creeper, and a pony. Jack thought they were diabetes incarnate, and braved a look at the sign to try understanding what the dealio was.

"There's more where these came from!" the sign declared. "Squishies - coming soon to stores all over Beacontown! Get 'em while they last."

Jack sputtered, then cracked up. His hearty laugh rolled down the sidewalk and made a few ladies sigh over how rugged he was. He stuck his hands in his pockets and marveled at the stupidity of fads. Silly little stuffed animals. Sure, they might catch on with kids, but what adult would be caught dead with a Squishy?

"Ha! Those will never catch on," Jack said, shaking his head and smiling.

Words of fate.

* * *

Nurm had hay fever something fierce, so it was up to Jack to do the dusting in the emporium. Not that he minded. Jack hummed old sea shanties to himself and reminisced about his adventures while making the treasures presentable. A few dust bunnies never bothered him.

For the past week, those dumb Squishies were gaining popularity in Beacontown. Even adults were finding them cute, charming, and possibly collectible. Jack scoffed at the collectors looking to bag a few stuffed animals, knowing that the silly fad would never equal the value of good old-fashioned treasure. That's what he thought, anyway.

"Classical armor is fascinating," Jack said, polishing a suit of medieval armor. "Look at the rosemaling details on these spaulders! I tell you, Nurmie, they just don't make this stuff like they used to."

"Uh-huh," Nurm grunted, kinda sorta not paying attention at all. Instead, the villager was doing what he did best: staring at a map. Well, Jack thought it was yet another map, but it was actually a big sheet of blank parchment. He scribbled on it with his charcoal pencils, drawing something.

Jack shrugged and went back to polishing the armor. "It sort of hurt to part with that diamond I hewed from Spider Peak Mountain, but getting this bad boy was definitely worth it. I got the better deal out of that trade."

"Neh," Nurm replied.

"It's all in the negotiating. I had to make the other guy think I wasn't really interested. Otherwise, he would have jacked up the price."

He paused. Nurm snickered.

"Ahem. Pun not intended. What are you doing? Are you drawing another map?"

Nurm pointed at a drawing of a calendar with a date circled on it. Jack glanced at it.

"I thought you liked maps, not calendars. I don't like calendars. I can't find one that isn't about either puppies or ocean pictures. I _hate_ seascapes."

Nurm frowned and pointed at the circled date.

"Yeah. The ninth. What about it?"

Nurm pointed at the month on the calendar and grunted angrily. Jack finally put two and two together.

"Oh! That reminds me! Your birthday is coming up."

Nurm glared.

"I did _not_ forget. I never forget your birthday. I just, um, had allocated that memory to a different part of my brain. Whatever terminology you want to use, I did not forget."

Nurm sputtered something short and harsh.

"Now don't you use that kind of language with me. It was an innocent misunderstanding. What do you want for your birthday? Mapmaking tools? Parchment scrolls?"

Nurm smiled and produced a ripped-out page of a catalog from his robe pocket. Jack looked confused, but took it anyway. His expression went crestfallen when he saw the circled object on the catalog page.

"No. Please, no, Nurmie. You know I hate those things."

Nurm stared at him with big, pleading eyes.

"Not a Squishy! Anything but those stupid stuffed animals! Don't tell me you've fallen for a _fad_." Jack's expression was best described as a look of betrayal. "Don't do this to me, Nurm. Please. I'll get you the best set of paints and ink I can find. Or...or a new hat. Or a road trip to Purgan-Gah. Anything but a Squishy!"

Nurm wouldn't budge. He pointed at the exact Squishy he wanted - a bunny called Rascal the Rabbit - and said "I want a Squishy," in Villagerese.

"No!" Jack howled. "Not a Squishy! I can't do it. It's a fad, and you know I hate fads!"

Nurm put on the most pitiful expression he could muster. Jack tried to look away, but Nurm was just too cute. Losing his last shred of resolve, Jack gave in.

"All right! Okay! Fine! I'll get you your stupid Squishy. I just hope I don't get killed trying to grab one at the shops. They're getting more possessive over them. I heard a fight broke out in lower Beacontown over Squishes just two days ago."

"Which is why you have to get one before they run out," Nurm responded in Villagerese. Jack scowled.

"I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

* * *

No, he was not getting out of this. A day later, Jack approached the storefront where he first saw the Squishies, re-evaluating his life decisions. The store hadn't opened yet, and a herd of patrons were lying in wait to pounce on the Squishies. Jack thought this was plain ridiculous. Christmas was two months ago. Who bothers to do toy shopping in the dead of February?

The shoppers were not only rabidly eager, but they were also hostile to each other. They gave each other dirty looks and whispered "grr" for intimidation. They reminded Jack of the creepers he observed in the eastern forests - how one would try to psych the other out before getting into a scrap over territory or a mate. In fact, he could hardly tell the difference.

"Hey, buddy," a guy walking past on the sidewalk said to Jack. "You planning on getting a Squishy?"

"Unfortunately," Jack replied.

"Heh. I'm sorry. I'll pray for you."

"This crowd is like a pack of creepers," Jack told him. "Except one is a roving pack of dangerous animals about to fight over something stupid, and the other...is a group of creepers."

"Ha! That's a funny way of putting it. I'm gonna have to write that one down." The guy walked away, leaving Jack to face his trial by fire alone. He stood in the midst of a sea of middle-aged moms and brutal-looking grandmas. He could practically smell the hostile estrogen radiating from them. This was gonna be bad.

Then, there was some movement at the doors. Jack perked up. The shop owner, armed in riot gear for some reason, changed the shop sign from "closed" to "open."

And Jack heard and saw no more.

The women, like some kind of magnificent and awful torrent, flooded into the store to pounce on the awaiting Squishies. They screamed and sounded out battle cries more terrifying than any warrior Jack had ever heard.

"Now I remember why I never got married," Jack said to himself as he tried not to get trampled by gym shoes and high heels. The things he did for his friends!

Gasping and choking, he fought to escape the tide and get to safer ground. He felt bad about elbowing the old ladies out of the way at first, but then he saw a grandma fly-tackle a soccer mom to the floor for a Cheesy the Cow toy, and his empathy fizzled away after that. After all, he had to survive, too.

Now there was the challenge of actually acquiring the bunny Squishy. Jack was momentarily disoriented by the bright, colorful atmosphere of the shop. It was like getting dropped into enemy territory. He flopped on the floor and army-crawled to safety behind a table of cheese cutting boards. There, he caught his breath and scoped out the scene.

A swatch of no-man's land lay between him and the display of Squishies, which was currently under attack by the customers. Boxes and wrappings were flying everywhere, screams made it impossible for Jack to hear himself think, and the people were getting into legit fights over the stuffed animals. Jack had never seen such ferocity before. He'd watched deathmatches between dishonored patriarchs in Niat-nuom before, and those were tickle fights compared to the battle for the Squishies.

"Do it for Nurm," he told himself, cautiously inching forward. Suddenly, an old lady in high heels ran over him while chasing another old lady. Jack wheezed from the pain of getting six-inch heels dug into his back and staggered to his feet.

A pig Squishy went flying by his head suddenly, and he knew he had to dodge away really fast. A woman dove after it, grabbing it right out of the air. Ninja Lady pulled into an action-hero somersault while holding the pig Squishy close to protect it, kicking another woman in the stomach as she tried to steal it away. Jack gaped.

"Hi-ya! Not on my watch, sister!" the woman with the pig declared, before throwing some gold nuggets at a clerk and running away from the store.

Jack shared a indignant look with the clerk.

"Yeah, I don't know what the deal is, either," she said. "Can I help you with anything, sir?"

"Duh...uh…" Jack stammered.

"Sir?"

"I need a...Squishy."

"For who? Mom, wife, kiddo?"

"For my friend. He wants the bunny." Jack felt so stupid saying it, but maybe the clerk could help him?

The clerk took one look at the mayhem and shook her head. "Dude, the only help I can give you is prayer and positive thought. There's a reason the manager dressed in riot gear this morning…"

"Oh, great."

"Yeah, sorry about that. You're sort of on your own. On the bright side, you look tough enough to take them."

"Fine." Jack steeled himself, then ran into the fray.

Again, it was total pellmell at the Squishies display. At this point, Jack was willing to grab any of the stuffed animals flying around in the war zone, even if they weren't the bunny that Nurm wanted. Just so that he could escape this crazy house and get back home without being empty-handed. Even if it wasn't a bunny, it was still sickeningly cute and soft, right? Nurm wouldn't mind, right?

A nearby woman suddenly got into a scrap with a guy over a Lucky the Wolf Squishy, and Jack had to back away for his own safety. When he did that, he collided with another shopper. He turned around to face his attacker, but stopped short when he recognized the blonde hair and leather jacket.

"Lukas?"

"Jack?"

Jack was dumbfounded. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that. What are you doing in a stuffed animal emporium?"

"Feeling like I'm part of the Purgan-Gah Volunteer Army again, that's what. Except this is twice as harrowing as my time with the troops. You're too pacifistic to be in this place, Lukas. Why are you here?"

"I'm...um...trying to survive!" Lukas exclaimed, dodging as a brazen mom tried to grab the stuffed ocelot out of his arms.

Jack glared. "Not you, too. You had better be buying that Squishy for Zeke."

"Uh...kinda…" Lukas said sheepishly. "It's just that I saw Speckles the Ocelot and...I couldn't refuse! He was too cute! And I've nearly been killed by psycho grandmas in the process, so I need to reap a reward for my efforts. See you later!"

Lukas ran out of the shop, escaping with life, limb, and Speckles the Ocelot. Jack was somewhat envious. He tried in vain to grab random Squishies in order to at least have something to show for his struggle, but they kept getting swept up by the other shoppers. Jack was about to pass out from the stress.

Just then, a beacon of hope!

Laying on a pedestal of mercy, bathed in a beam of heavenly light, sat none other than a pristine Rascal the Rabbit Squishy! Exactly how Nurm wanted it! He went for his opportunity.

"Hallelujah!" Jack pounced at the bunny. He captured the soft, strawberry-scented toy in his muscular arms. Laughing with joy at finally getting his hands on Nurm's birthday present, he hugged the rabbit and even deposited a light kiss on its nose. He looked like a total idiot, but he was so relieved at this point that he didn't care. Now he just needed to get out of here alive.

He really shouldn't have made such a big show out of getting his prize. It attracted the attention of the other shoppers. When the realized that Jack had a Squishy and they didn't, his life was once more in danger.

The concerned clerk saw the impending danger and tried to warn Jack. But it was a lost cause. Jack was so absorbed in basking in the glory of his accomplishment that he didn't notice a troop of jealous shoppers sneaking up on him.

"Hey, you!"

"Sir, look out!"

Jack saw the brawny woman jumping at him when it was precisely too late.

BOOM!

" _Oh no! Man down! I repeat, man down!"_

* * *

 _At the Beacontown Hospital_

Nurm stood at the foot of the bed, looking a bit ashamed of himself. He took off his hat and held it, face downcast.

"Don't take your hat off," Jack complained from the hospital bed. "What are you doing, paying respects for the dead? I'm not dead!"

"Hrmhm," Nurm mumbled, which was something along the lines of "I'm sorry," in Villagerese.

"Look, I know you wanted the bunny Squishy, but it was just too hard for me. It was a war zone there. You should have seen the woman who tackled me in the store. She was like...she was like Brunhilda or something. Look what she did to my leg!"

Jack's leg was wrapped in a cast, properly elevated. Nurm gingerly signed his autograph on it with a piece of charcoal. Jack just sighed.

"Next year, I'm going to get you a new hat for your birthday. A nice new hat. Nobody dies or gets their leg broken by Brunhilda trying to get their friend a hat for their birthday."

"What if that becomes the new fad?" Nurm inquired in Villagerese.

The horrible realization swept over Jack. Anything could become an annoying fad in Beacontown.

"Noooooooo!"


	29. No Pranks to You

**Still not having learned anything from his time in jail, Ivan is back to make more mischief for the New Order. He never learns. This time, he has a bit of assistance. Let's see if it helps him.**

It was a lovely day to be thrown out of a building. Literally. It was the day that Ivan was scheduled to be released from jail, something that the warden and her coworkers celebrated with a donut party in the office. They were just as eager to get rid of the pest as he was to get out of the slammer.

So the warden took it upon herself to be the one to eject him from the jail. She opened up the door, grabbed Ivan by his shirt collar, and literally threw him right out. Plop! He flopped onto the grass like a loony ragdoll.

"I don't ever want to see you in here again!" she ranted at Ivan. "If you end up in my prison again, I'm just going to paddle you and dump you back on the streets. Enough's enough."

"You never let me have any fun!"

"It's prison, cobblestone brain. It's not supposed to be fun!" She flung his bag of possessions at him. "Now get lost."

"I think you were mean to me because you had a crush on m-OUCH!" Ivan took the bag square to the face. "What gives? Oh, wait, my belongings. I almost forgot them."

"Ughh!" The warden facepalmed and went back inside.

"Two years in the stony lonesome," Ivan muttered to himself as he brushed the dust off his clothes and checked his bag of belongings. "I missed so much in town. How will I ever integrate back into society?"

The ex-con stomped down the sidewalk, going to his home neighborhood. It was on the edge of Bad Luck Alley, making a walk there a bit dicey, especially for an ex-con. The pecking order of Bad Luck Alley dictated that former inmates weren't as innocent as bystanders, and thus more acceptable for assaults and robberies. Even crooks have standards. Considering that Ivan was carrying his house key, his wallet, and his ID papers in the bag, he was a pretty juicy target for a mugger.

Ivan pulled on his jacket and hid the bag in its folds to make it less obvious that he was fresh from prison. The gloomy buildings casting blue shadows on the street unnerved him. Still, it wasn't like it was a particularly crime-ridden or run-down place. It was just a bit offbeat.

Ivan shouldn't have stopped in the middle of the street to ponder that. Not that many others would or could have, but he didn't notice someone sneaking up on him. Someone with a small stature, plus a familiar green bandana on her head…

Ivan yelped when someone reached into his jacket pocket to grab the paper bag. He lashed out with a slap on reflex, striking the thief in the face. She lost her balance, grabbed on to Ivan's jacket as she fell, and took him down with her. The bag hit the ground and broke open, spilling its contents on the paving stones. Ivan scrambled to round up the contents before the thief grabbed them.

"Hey!" the teen delinquent said. "You slapped me - what gives?"

"Don't play innocent, you brat. You tried to steal from me."

"What if I did?" she retorted. "That's karma if you ask me. You got put in the clinker for stealing, so if someone does it to you…"

"That's not how justice works, young lady, and...wait a second." Ivan looked at her in confusion. "How did you know that I was in jail for theft? Or was that a lucky guess?"

The thief chuckled. "You're Ivan...or the Weird Warlock as you wanted to be called. Eesh. Not the nickname I would've picked. Anyway, you'd be surprised at the connections we have in the Beacontown underworld."

"That's kind of creepy. But you should know, whoever you are-"

"I'm Strabo."

"Okay. You should know, Strabo, that I was in jail because I played pranks on the New Order and caused mischief in town. Not theft this time. I'm clean of that charge."

"Yeah, I heard about that too. You call yourself the New Order's enemy, right? Or at least one of them?" She tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"In a way, yeah. Why do you want to know?"

"Well," she said with a sly smile, "I'm no fan, either."

Interested, Ivan leaned in. "Keep talking."

"I hope you're not out of touch. The outside world's changed an awful lot since you were gone. Jessie and Lukas got married and they have a kid now. Ezekiel. The little squeaker's almost a year old at this point. Does it _hurt_ to know they're successful and happy while you suffer?"

Ivan's fists tightened. "Yeah. Yeah, it kinda does."

"Have I got a deal for you, then."

"Oh, great." Ivan rolled his eyes.

"No, no. You'll like this. Keep listening."

"As you wish."

"I can help you overthrow snobby Jessie and put her back in her place. Dethroning the New Order has been a long-standing mission of my group. Plus, it'll be good to have someone who knows magic on the team. We don't have anyone like that at the moment."

Ivan perked up. "I...I could be _useful_?"

Strabo laughed. "Watch your language. I hear they don't like the u-word around here. After today, I'll drop by my boss's place and let you know that you're on board."

"Eek!" Ivan squealed with delight. "I get to be part of a rebellion! I've always wanted to be part of a rebel organization. Oh, I can feel the hot blood in my veins already."

"That's great, Ivan, but you have to stay cool for this to work. No freaking out."

"Speaking of cool, I need a nickname. Ivan is just not going to cut it. It's too dorky. No-one will be intimidated by a guy named Ivan. It's not vaguely ominous like Strabo."

"I don't really think you need a nickn-"

"I HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM, OKAY?!"

Strabo barely flinched. "That explains a lot. Fine, what do you want for your stupid nickname?"

"I was thinking 'The Frozen Dark Undertaker of Doom.'"

"Subtle," Strabo said sarcastically.

"You're probably right. I can't be the Weird Warlock again, though. That was just stupid. Maybe I'll go by Deltoid."

"That's a shoulder muscle."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Who names themselves after muscles? Especially since you're not exactly that buff."

Ivan rubbed his skinny arms self-consciously. "Ugh, everyone's a critic. Fine. I'll call myself Xabre."

"Don't you mean Sabre?"

"No. Xabre. With a gratuitous X. X makes everything cooler."

"Whatever," Strabo muttered. "Let's go to your place to plan, if that's okay with you. It's too open out here in Bad Luck Alley. Someone could eavesdrop on us."

"And we might get mugged!"

"All the more reason. Let's go."

Strabo and Iv...err...Xabre left Bad Luck Alley to go to Xabre's neighborhood. He lived in a little house in a row of other little houses that looked exactly the same. Strabo wondered how anyone could tell which house was theirs. Who could live in such a boring neighborhood?

Xabre knew the house would be dusty and cluttered from his long absence, so he wouldn't let Strabo inside. They sat at his picnic table in the backyard instead.

"The more I think about it, the more enraged I grow," Xabre said. "The thought of my enemies being happy and successful makes me sick. They called me a B-list villain. The nerve! They're B-list heroes, that's what they are! How dare my enemies be happy while I'm miserable. Worse still, now they're making more of themselves. My enemies are having children, and I've never so much as had a girlfriend!"

Strabo couldn't help but quip, "Big surprise there," prompting a dirty look from Xabre.

He continued, "Anyway, I have a plan. I want to humiliate my enemies as much as possible and, hopefully, get rid of them somehow."

"Go on."

"I was thinking of going after Lukas first. Start with the easy stuff. He's an easy target for humiliation, because he thinks so lowly of himself to begin with. And...I can accomplish it with a bit of magic on my side."

Xabre ran inside the house suddenly, and just as quickly emerged with a book tucked under his arm. He dropped the hefty book on the table (making the boards rattle) and started to leaf through it. Strabo realized it was a potion how-to book.

"How shall I do it?" he asked himself. "Ah...I know. I'll turn him into an endermite. A harmless little endermite. And then I'll put that endermite into a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, _brilliant_ , I tell you! Genius, I say!"

Strabo just kind of stared at him.

"If...um...if that's how you want to roll, I guess we can do that…" she said.

"Wait." Xabre raised a thoughtful finger. "That will cost me postage. I hate spending on postage. Going down to the post office and talking to that smarmy postmaster general...blecch. I'll pass."

"Why don't you just turn Lukas into a flea, smash him with the hammer right away, and skip that part with the boxes and mailing?"

"Too complicated." Xabre threw the book off the picnic table; it landed in a bed of zinnias. "Never mind the book. I'll just use what I already have. They did not let me brew in jail, so I might have forgotten how to make the more complicated potions, anyway. Wait here. I'm going to change into a more suitable outfit for the task. I need my belt for carrying potions."

Strabo was afraid that Xabre would emerge from the house looking like a 90's comic book supervillain, but his actual costume was much more understated. He had on a leather jacket with silver accents and a pair of edgy shades. A belt with potion bottles strapped to it hung around his waist.

"Cool shades," she said.

"Thanks." Xabre strutted out onto the sidewalk again. "We should get going. I have a New Order to humiliate."

* * *

"Lukey baby! I'm so proud of you!" Jessie lunged forward and captured Lukas in a hug, almost squishing the bouquet of flowers she held. "You did such an awesome job."

"Thanks, sweetheart." He didn't care that she had called him 'Lukey Baby' in front of his theater friends.

They had just wrapped up closing night for the Beacontown Theatre Company's latest musical. Even though he had a secondary role, not the leads, Jessie thought that Lukas had done a smashing job. His role had been the polar opposite of his personality - a bombastic and sarcastic villain - and yet he'd owned the part like it was second nature. Jessie was there to congratulate him for it, with a kiss and a bundle of flowers. Orange tulips, his favorite. Lukas took the flowers and gave them an indulgent sniff.

"You were right when you said not to give up the theatre hobby," he told her.

"See?" She booped his nose. "Every now and then I come up with a good idea."

"Har-har. What was your favorite part?"

"Definitely your villain song. Nice set of pipes, honey. I didn't even think you could sing that high."

"I was _so_ scared my voice would crack…"

The crowd of theatregoers was so thick that Lukas and Jessie were totally unaware that they were being stalked. Then again, Xabre and Strabo were wearing dark clothes and hiding in the shadows, so it wasn't like you could fault them.

Strabo made a face at the mawkish display. "Ugh, family fluff makes me sick. Do you have the potion?"

Xabre held up a glass Florence flask. A translucent, pale blue liquid fizzed inside it. Strabo nodded grimly.

"I'm counting on you to do a good job. You're leading the mission here."

"Right, right, Xabre responded. "Hold on. I have to get an opening before I throw it. I do not want to throw it on the wrong person."

So they waited a few moments more. Then a few annoying fat ladies moved aside, making a clear path between the Lukessies and the ne'er-do-wells. Xabre tensed up, waited for Lukas to turn his back, and then heaved the bottle.

"Lukas, look out!" Jessie cried, but it wasn't forewarning enough.

The bottled crashed into Lukas's back, broke open, and spilled its contents on him. If he had been wearing his leather jacket, nothing would have happened, but he was wearing his costume for the play. The potion leaked into the porous fabric.

"Uh-oh!" Blondie said, not realizing quite what happened. "Did I bump into someone? I'm so sorry. Did someone spill their drink on me?"

"That's not a drink," a woman nearby said. "That's a potion!"

"A what now?"

Poof! In a cloud of blue dust, Lukas's theatre costume underwent a nasty transformation. In full view of the crowd, Lukas's clothes turned into a mess of pink taffeta and white ribbons - a full-length evening gown!

"Aaugh!" Lukas yelled, wilting in embarrassment. "What happened?"

The whole crowd started laughing at the sight of Lukas in a poofy pink ballgown. His face went as pink as his ballgown, and then it blushed into hot cherry red.

"Hey, look!" Strabo jeered from her hiding place. "All hail Princess Lukas! Haw haw haw!"

Which only made the crowd laugh even more. Not realizing how upset Lukas really was, they started asking him if he'd lost a glass slipper or if he wanted a magic apple.

"Stop laughing at me!" Lukas cried, tears welling up in his eyes. "It's not funny."

Nope, that didn't stop them. Weeping in embarrassment, Lukas ran for the wc. He shoved people aside in his haste to get to safety. He tripped over the long skirt and almost faceplanted, prompting more giggles. When he reached the wc, he ducked inside and slammed the door hard enough to make the wall rattle. None of his visible distress made the crowd shut up.

Then the merriment came to a halt when the crowd saw Jessie's expression. It was pure poison. No-one mocked her husband like that and got away with it. The deadly silence covered the group for a full, agonizing minute.

"And you call yourselves sophisticated," Jessie hissed.

They fell silent and looked down at the ground in shame. Many of them started stammering apologies. Jessie, stone-faced, turned aside from them and walked up to the wc door. She knocked on it gently.

"Hi, Lukas. I'm...sorry about what just happened."

"Make them stop laughing at me!" he wailed from inside the loo.

"I did. Listen, it wasn't your fault. Someone played a prank. At least it was just your costume."

"I'm not coming out of here looking like this."

"It's okay, sweetie. I'll get your regular clothes from the locker room and bring them here, okay?"

He sniffled. "Okay."

"And some tissues."

On her way to the locker room, Jessie made a mental note to make sure Beacontown had a good anti-bullying plan of attack. This was _not_ happening again.

* * *

Strabo and Xabre definitely weren't voicing any regrets. They ran away from the theatre campus, snickering. Once they got far enough away, they paused at the gates of the town park.

"That was epic!" Strabo said, a wicked smile on her mug. "That pink ballgown was hilarious. He looked so stupid!"

"Did you see him cry?" Xabre leaned against the park fence. "What a loser! I can't believe people actually think of _him_ as a hero. Crying over a little taffeta and ribbons. He is such a crybaby. The Awkward Potion sure did its job."

"Oh, totally. All we needed was the potion and an jeer to get the ball rolling. The crowd took care of the rest."

"I'm a long-time student of crowd behavior," Xabre purred. "Gather up enough people in a group, and suddenly they all have the IQs of sheep. They just go with whatever everyone else is doing. Even if it's mocking their own Hero in Residence's husband after a mishap."

A redstone lamp seemed to flicker on in Strabo's mind. Her mildly amused expression suddenly twisted into a malevolent grin. Crowd mentality. That strategy just might come in handy later…

"Where to now?" Xabre asked.

"I don't know. You decide. This is your mission, and I have to say, you definitely earn the right to pick the

"I was thinking we could keep upsetting Jessie. This time, we'll go after a friend."

* * *

She still hadn't gotten over the incident at the theatre. Jessie was so angry that she could spit. How could her own citizens treat Lukas so badly? He was part of the New Order, and they loved the New Order! They should have stopped as soon as they saw how upset Lukas really was, but they'd kept up the mocking. They kept it up until Lukas ran for cover and Jessie castigated them for their nastiness.

She thought back to the things the crowd had said while picking on Lukas. The situation had been under control until they got the idea to start jeering at him. Those remarks about princesses and prissiness. If she remembered right, one heckler had started it by calling him Princess Lukas.

She wished she knew who had said it. They were going to get the riot act from her if she ever found out. But then her thoughts were interrupted when a sniveling blonde girl came running up to her on the sidewalk.

"Jessie dude!" It was Nell, with a...teary-sounding voice. "I need your help!"

"What's wrong?" Jessie asked, instantly concerned. This was out-of-character if she ever saw it.

Jessie had never seen Nell look so upset - her nose trembling with incoming tears, her cheeks pink with embarrassment. It had to be bad to make Nell, of all people, so bent out of shape.

"Someone, like, totally trashed my shop. So uncool!" Nell said. "Jessie, can you help me, bro?"

"Of course. Take me there so I can assess the damage."

Nell grabbed Jessie's wrist and towed her along the sidewalk. She almost kicked off her flip-flops in her haste. A few pedestrians stopped and watched them, wondering what the big hurry was for. After a couple minutes, the two women halted outside Nell's beach shop.

At first, Jessie didn't see what the problem was, but then she saw it. On the north wall of the wooden hut, someone had scrawled graffiti in red paint. Getting closer, Jessie could make out a hammer-and-sickle symbol and a bizarre mantra:

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. Beware the Red Scare."

"What the heck?" Jessie wondered out loud. "What does that even mean?"

"This is total bogus!" Nell said, voice cracking. "I'll take the teasing. I'm chill with being called a social justice warrior and a hippy. Dude, I don't even mind if people criticize my peace flags and natural-ingredients-only policy. But this? This is taking it too far. I'm not a Communist! It's so mean."

"Shh, shh. Don't worry about this." Jessie put her arm around Nell's shoulders to comfort her. "We'll get some paint and brushes and cover up the graffiti. Maybe we could even paint over it with a cool mural."

Nell's expression brightened. "Dude! That's an awesome-sauce idea! I could paint a sunset and some palm trees. It'd be rad!"

"That really does sound nice," Jessie said. "It'd be nice to see more murals around town. I've been trying to organize a painting club for local students for a while now. Anyway, if you need help with your mural, just let me know, okay?"

"Totally." Nell gave Jessie a quick side-hug. "Thanks, Jessie dude."

Jessie stuck her hands in her pockets and smiled as she walked away. Good ol' Nell; you could always count on her to bounce back in a snap after a setback. Nell was a pretty good artist, too, so it would be a cool mural.

But who had vandalized the wall in the first place?

* * *

Xabre took in a deep breath of cold air, still feeling the adrenaline rushing through his body. Committing all these nasty pranks with Strabo's help gave him a jolt of energy. He knew that what he was doing was so bad, and yet it felt so good. He wanted to go further. More pranks. More embarrassment. More chaos for his enemies. Oh, that sweet, sweet revenge.

"It feels good, doesn't it?" Strabo purred. She looked over at him, her hair fluttering in the open-field breeze. They stood in the midst of Niat-nuom, fleeing Beacontown. If they stayed too long, they'd get caught.

"I'm finally getting what I wanted. Every bit of embarrassment and chaos for the New Order. I feel almost like I'm feeding off it. I want to do more. Please?"

"More against the New Order?" Strabo asked, smirking. "Don't worry, Xabre. My boss has so much more planned for those dolts than just being embarrassed...heh heh."

Xabre feared to ask what it was.


	30. Agent L

**Who else here was a fan of Phineas and Ferb when it was on TV? Dude, it was my favorite cartoon. I still miss it, but I'm glad they ended the series on a high note instead of letting it jump the shark. Anyway, here's a Silly Mode short spoofing Phineas and Ferb.**

 **Stella thinks that Lluna is a sassy treasure-sniffing llama. And Lluna is, indeed, a sassy treasure-sniffing llama. But she also happens to be a Secret Agent, defending Champion City from the forces of** _ **eeeeeevil**_ **, right under the noses of its citizens. She is…**

 **AGENT L!**

 ***cue theme song***

Stella was having an absolutely delightful morning of walking around her beautiful city and bossing people around. Oh, wait, she actually wasn't. She was bored out of her skull! Sure, having scores of people around to do her work for her was nice, and it was definitely good for keeping a white-collar image, but it got boring after a while. Every now and then, she missed the process of building something by hand. She wanted to make sure that she hadn't forgotten how to build, too.

So she decided to take a walk around Champion City and look for spare land plots to build something on. Flanked by her darling llama Lluna on one side and her favorite bodyguard Rodrigo on the other, she looked like the alpha woman that she was. She trotted down the polished sidewalk, high heels clicking on the tiles. She glanced around at the pristine buildings and tidy topiaries.

"There has to be an open spot around here somewhere," she said. "I want to build something. By hand. But not only do I need an open land plot, but I also need inspiration. What to build?"

Rodrigo shrugged. He didn't talk much.

Lluna started to feel antsy, because she didn't want to be stuck walking around with Stella all day. Listening to Stella brag would annoy anyone, but for Lluna, she had another reason. She needed to sneak away at some point.

Thankfully, Stella stopped wandering after a few minutes, because she found a good empty lot to build in. It was a small patch of grass behind a topiary garden. At the sight of it, Stella smiled and clapped her hands.

"Okay," she said. "This is good right here. Now, what to build, what to build…"

She looked around, tapping her finger against her chin. Should she grow a topiary and sculpt it into her likeness? No, that was too vain. Stella could be a bit presumptuous, but she had standards. Should she build a coffee stand? Pshaw, like they needed another coffee stand in Champion City. There were cafes on practically every corner.

She turned to Lluna to rhetorically ask for advice, and then it hit her.

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "Rodrigo, I know what we're gonna do today. Let's build a statue of Lluna!"

"Are you sure she's not gonna wander off while we're building it?" Rodrigo asked, in his deep syrupy voice.

Stella just laughed and waved her hand at him. "Oh, Rod, you are a card. Wander off? Lluna is not going to wander off. She's a llama. They don't do much."

To demonstrate her point, Stella turned around, gesturing where she thought Lluna was standing. Lluna was not standing there. Stella was gesturing at an empty patch of grass, and the little llama was nowhere to be seen. Rodrigo shrugged again, and Stella glanced around in confusion.

"Hey, where's Lluna?"

While Stella was blabbing to Rodrigo about her plans and about how llamas don't do much, Lluna had sneaked off. Not aimlessly, though. She had to leave for a mission. She trotted into the midst of some topiaries, which would hide her from Stella. There she pulled a snazzy fedora out of hammerspace and put it on.

 _Dooby dooby doo ba! Dooby dooby doo ba!_

One of the topiaries was a creeper head with a big, gaping mouth. Lluna slipped through the mouth, accessing a hidden tunnel. She slid down the slick chute, doing crazy 90-degree turns and loop-de-loops underground. The chute then ejected Lluna into her spy lair. It was filled with gadgets Lluna never used, extra scarves, a secret stash of snacks, and treasure she kept hidden from Stella. Oh, and her boss was there, too.

The guy had a bushy mustache and a crisp military jacket. "AA" was stenciled on his shirt. Lluna took a seat in front of his desk.

"Agreeable acknowledgements, admirable Agent L," he said. "I, Admiral Alliteration, accord an assignment addressed to you today."

Lluna nodded.

"The blameful blackguard, Dr. Disparaging, is beginning to bloviate 'bout his plans to blight the borough with his bad deeds. Purpose pleads you, Agent L, to ascend to the assignment! Go!"

Lluna actually understood what Admiral Alliteration was talking about, unlike you, so she saluted and sprang off to carry out her mission. She sped through the underground tunnels to get to the lair of her assigned bad guy.

 _Dooby dooby doo ba! Dooby dooby doo ba!_

 _She's a adolescent Camelidae of action_

 _She's a sassy, cute ungulate who'll never flinch from a fray-yay-yay_

 _She's got more than just mad skill_

 _She's got soft and weavable wool_

 _And the men all swoon_

 _Whenever they hear her say..._

 _*Baaa!*_

 _She's Lluna!_

 _Lluna the llama!_

 _(You can call her Agent L.)_

 _Lluna!_

 _Lluna the llama!_

 _(I said you can call her Agent L!)_

 _AGENT L!_

While her theme song was playing, Lluna checked her map to make sure she was shooting down the right tunnel. Don't ask how she did that without having opposable thumbs. It's one of those things you're not supposed to notice. Anyway, Lluna wished there was a faster way to get to her bad guy's lair, but she had to accept that she worked from a low-tech jurisdiction.

Anyway, eventually she got to her bad guy's lair, which was a tower shaped like a skull with its jaw gaping open. Real subtle, I know. After climbing lots of stairs, the only thing keeping Lluna out was a wooden double door. Again, low-tech jurisdiction. The door wasn't a problem at all for her. She charged and knocked it right down with a headbutt.

But as soon as she ran inside, she stepped on a tactically placed pressure plate! A cage dropped down from the ceiling and landed on her, trapping her. Lluna snorted, annoyed to have fallen for the trick.

"Oh my stars and garters!" a husky voice said. "Lluna the Llama, fallen right into my trap. Right on schedule, too. That's one thing I can scratch off my to-do list."

Lluna's assigned villain, Dr. Disparaging, came slinking out of the shadows. He had a clipboard in his hands and big, thick goggles sitting in his hair. He checked off something on his clipboard.

"Okay, give me a second to review. Come up with evil plot...check. Buy machine materials...check. Build inator...check. Lluna arrives at my lair...check. Catch Lluna in trap...check. Hold on. Do I tell you my tragic backstory before I show you the inator or after?"

Lluna rolled her eyes.

"Hey! I saw that!" He pointed his pencil at her. "I know you're a veteran at being a secret agent and I'm a rookie at grandiose evildoing, but you have to cut me some slack. Besides, you're not the top agent yourself. That blue platypus from the other jurisdiction is still outdoing you."

Lluna made a snorty sound.

"I tell the backstory first, don't I? Right. Okay, here goes. When I was a little boy, my mother never...Ahem." Dr. Disparaging paused. "Associated production music, please."

A sad piano tune picked up for the background music.

"That's better. Thank you. Now, where was I? Ah, right. When I was young, my mother never supported my dream of being an actor. She told me it was dumb, but how I dreamed to work on the stage. To go on the theatre circuit! Maybe even become famous! It was my heart's desire. But no, she wouldn't support my dreams by letting me major in theatre. She made me major in political science instead. Can you believe that? _Political science!_ That's an even bigger waste of time than theatre ever will be and...Hey! You're not even paying attention."

Dr. Disparaging gave the cage a tap. Lluna woke back up and stretched leisurely.

"As I was saying before _someone_ dozed off in the middle of my backstory, I never got to...You know what, never mind. Let's just skip to the part where I tell you my evil plan. I have to meet with my friend for a lunch date at eleven and I don't want to miss it."

Lluna snuffled.

"Long story short, I want to take over Champion City, because then I can call the shots. I get to decide what to major in for college. So there! And here's how I plan to do that. Mini, the switch!"

A mechanical-sounding snore issued from the corner of the room.

"MINI!" Dr. Disparaging shouted.

A small robot, no taller than a 12-year-old, snapped awake from sleep mode and sat up straight. He jumped to his feet and smoothed his clothes.

"My apologies. Wasting battery power while idling is not useful, so I went into sleep mode," the robot boy apologized.

"Whatever, Mini-PAMA," the Dr. said. "Just throw that switch over there so Lluna can see the Meltinator."

"Okay." Mini-PAMA walked over to a switch on the wall labeled "INATOR" and flipped it.

"When he's not dozing off for battery conservation, Mini-PAMA here is super useful around the lair," Dr. Disparaging said pridefully. "And the best part is, I didn't have to pay an iron nugget for him. I found the poor guy, neglected and half-buried in the sand, in Crown Mesa. I happened to stumble upon him while on a materials-scavenging trip across the portal hallway. So I took him home with me and patched him up. Of course, he's a bit immature for a robot. I think his inventor programmed him to have the intelligence of a 12-year-old. How odd, right?"

Lluna, disinterested in the robot, focused on the Meltinator that was gradually coming into view. The mechanism to make it dramatically slide out of a hidden compartment broke down, so Mini-PAMA had to wheel the massive redstone machine into the open. But he eventually did get it out into the open, so Lluna could get a good look at it.

It was, of course, an overdone redstone machine with what looked like a big cannon stuck on top. A fire crackled merrily in the belly of the machine, and some mirrors glinted inside it. Lluna looked over at Dr. Disparaging, hoping he'd at least explain what the heck the Meltinator was supposed to do.

"You may be wondering what the heck the Meltinator is supposed to do," the Dr. said. "Oh, and thanks for your help, Mini. You can go read your comic books now if you want."

"Cool." Mini left the room.

"Anyway, here's how I plan to rise to power in Champion City. I'll use economic success to gain political power - it's a classic tactic. What you see here isn't just a Meltinator. It's an Ice Cream Meltinator. My plan is to corner the market on ice cream in Champion City, because people love ice cream. The way to do that is easy: I'll just destroy my competition. That's where the Meltinator comes in; I'm going to zap the ice cream with it and melt it. Boo-hoo, no more ice cream in Champion City...until I unveil my line of melt-proof ice cream! Howdy doo! I'll corner the market. I'll have so much power that I could just waltz in and take over!"

Lluna, of course, knew that this was a stupid idea, just like you know it is. Thinking that he could segue into power just by becoming an ice cream tycoon? Gimme a break! But, being the clever little llama that she was, Lluna realized that there was a bigger implication to the stupid plan. Dr. Disparaging had built what was no less than a legitimate _laser cannon of death_ , a fully powered weapon that he could use against _people_ if he wanted.

So, yeah, figuring out how to stop him was kinda-sorta a really big deal. Lluna had to put the kibosh on Dr. Disparaging's plan before he figured out the true potential of his machine. She glanced around the small cage she was in, trying to figure a way out. His traps were usually lackluster enough for her to find an escape route.

Meanwhile, Dr. Disparaging wheeled the Meltinator to the balcony of the tower. He hummed a show tune to himself while he did it - Lluna was just glad that he didn't sing. He spent a good 15 minutes trying to get the laser thingamabob aimed where he wanted it. When he finally got it pointed at the ice cream shop whose business he wanted to ruin, he whispered "yay" to himself and reached to push the button.

"Here we go. Meltinator, do your stuf-AAUGH!" Dr. Disparaging was suddenly on the floor, with Lluna pinning him down. He managed to shove her off his back.

"What in the world? You're supposed to be trapped! How did you get out, anyway?"

He looked over at the cage. In retrospect, escaping it wasn't exactly brain surgery. All Lluna had to do was wedge her hoof under the bars, because the cage had no floor, and flip it over. She had stayed in it really only to humor Dr. Disparaging while he related his backstory and grandiose plan to her.

"Well, it doesn't matter. Get ready for some drama, llama! ...Hey, that rhymes-OUCH!" Dr. Disparaging grunted in pain as Lluna kicked him in the gut. Llamas, even adolescent llamas like Lluna, could truly pack a punch. Or a kick, in this case.

The spat continued for several more minutes. Dr. Disparaging and Lluna rampaged across the lair in a flurry of wool and navy-blue fabric. Lluna barely got a scratch. Dr. Disparaging got kicked, headbutted, bitten, and llama-punched. He was black and blue and beat up by the time he had to cry uncle.

"Okay! Okay, you win the battle. But the war is not over, llama!" Dr. Disparaging crawled over to the still-waiting Meltinator. "That sounded cooler in my head."

He stumbled to his feet and reached for the button to make it fire, but Lluna came galloping over to stop him. She jumped on his back, knocking the wind out of him, and bit his arm.

"Oh, that smarts," he groaned. "Beaten up by a baby ungulate. A domestic specimen of the _Camelidae_ family. Okay, don't rub it in too much, Lluna the Llama...Wait, what are you doing?"

Lluna climbed onto the Meltinator and started sniffing the buttons on the control panel. Of particular interest was the big red button that glowed like a piece of magic candy…

"No, Lluna. Don't press that clearly marked SELF DESTRUCT button!" Dr. Disparaging shouted, staggering back to his feet. "That will ruin all my plans!"

Well, thank you, Captain Obvious. Lluna gave the button a smack with her snout, initiating an irreversible self-destruct sequence.

"Noooo!"

"This unit will self destruct," said the Meltinator's mechanical voice, "in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-"

Lluna took a flying leap off the roof of the lair. The tail ends of her scarf flapped out behind her, and then they turned into a pair of hang-glider wings. Don't ask how. Every now and then she got to use a cool gadget.

KABLOOIE! The Meltinator blew up in a brilliant fireball, forcing Dr. Disparaging and Mini-PAMA to take shelter on a lower floor. The explosion didn't destroy the lair, but it did leave the place pretty toasty. And Dr. Disparaging's house insurance probably wasn't going to cover the damage.

"Curse you, Lluna the Llama!" Dr. Disparaging screeched as Lluna hang-glided away.

* * *

Lluna touched down in a nice field a small distance from Champion City. She folded in her hang-glider, converting it back into her snazzy scarf. She also slipped off her fedora and stored it back in hammerspace. Then she trotted back into the city, as if nothing weird had happened today. While on her way to find Stella, passersby thought she was cute and gave her apples and sugar for snacks. That was Lluna's favorite part of the mission: coming home and getting snacks from passersby.

When she got to the middle of the city, she found Stella still working on the statue. By now she had most of the sculpture down, and it really did look like Lluna. Stella was a pretty good artist, actually. She looked very unglamorous from all the manual labor she'd put in over the course of the day: her hair in a messy ponytail, her makeup smudged, her forehead shiny with sweat. The marks of hard work.

"Baaa!" Lluna bleated, to get Stella's attention.

The woman looked up from her work. "Oh, there you are, Lluna. How's my favorite little llama? I just finished this statue of you. What do you think?"

Lluna looked at it and bleated again. What, did you expect a llama to give an art connoisseur's opinion on a statue? Silly billy. Anyway, Stella took that as a "oh, what a beautiful statue, Stella, it's the prettiest statue I've ever seen, Stella, I'm flattered, Stella, just keep on being fabulous, Stella."

Just another day in the life of Lluna the Llama. Or as some call her, Agent L.

* * *

 _MO-OM! Phineas and Ferb are making a spoof episode...in the wrong fandom!_


	31. Follow Your Dreams (Pt 1)

**Who knew that unicorns were real in this world? And that it would be up to Lukas to wrangle one running loose in Beacontown before it causes trouble?**

 **Another gem from my trove of weird ideas…**

 _Timeline: Two months after "No Pranks to You"_

Jessie set a small cake with colorful frosting and an explosion of sprinkles on the table. A single candle burned in the center of it. Zeke, sitting in Lukas's lap, stared, mesmerized, at the dancing flame.

"Happy birthday, Zeke!" she and Lukas cheered. "One year old!"

Zeke didn't quite understand the concept of birthdays yet, but Mom and Dad seemed excited, so he got excited, too. He laughed and waved his little hands in the air.

"Okay, Zekey. Blow out the candle!"

Zeke ended up spitting on the candle instead, but the flame went out nevertheless. Jessie removed it from the cake and threw it away; birthday candles were sort of a one-use-only item. She got a knife and spatula from a kitchen drawer and approached the cake to divvy it up.

"I want a corner piece," Lukas requested. "Please?"

"I thought you hated corner pieces."

"That's only if the cake has that nasty whipped cream frosting. Blech, perfectly good cake ruined by whip cream. You got this one with the buttercream, right?"

"Yes, Lukas," Jessie said. "You only reminded me eighty times."

"More or less," Lukas replied as he took a plate of cake from Jessie. "Oh, wait. Is this one for Zeke?"

"Yeah. I'll grab a couple extra napkins. Babies don't eat their cake tidily."

"Let 'em eat cake!" Lukas announced, putting Zeke in his high chair and giving him the cake. "See, you don't need a fork to eat cake...Oh, dear."

In a matter of minutes, Zeke looked more like a pile of blue frosting than a year-old baby. He licked his cake-coated hands and giggled, having way too much fun with this. But at least he liked the cake. Jessie grimaced, left the kitchen briefly, and returned with a damp washcloth.

"Like father, like son," she remarked, wiping the frosting off her son. "I can think of someone _else_ who was a messy eater when he was little."

"How would you know that-uh oh." Lukas looked in horror at her. "No! My mom showed you my baby pictures?!"

Jessie couldn't help but snicker. "Oh, yes. We had a great time looking through her scrapbook when we visited her for Easter last year. You look just like Zeke in the photo from your first birthday: covered in frosting and having a grand old time."

Lukas's face went as red as a strawberry. "Nooo! Not the cake pictures! I asked her to get rid of those."

"Aw, come on, Lukey. It was her idea, and they were so cute. I couldn't say no."

" _I_ wanted to say no! I was even at that party, too. When did she show you them?"

"When you were out in the yard, showing your little cousins how to ride a pony," Jessie said matter-of-factly. "I got bored, your mom brought me the album, and before we knew it, we were sitting on the couch paging through the whole thing. They were cute. I'm sorry. I should have asked you if it was okay."

Zeke looked a little jittery from the sugar. Jessie took him out of the high chair and away from the frosting. He was a bit sticky.

"Nah, it's okay, really," Lukas said. "I shouldn't have been so dramatic."

"How did the pony riding lesson go, anyway?"

"Pretty good. I think I showed them what they needed to know. Teaching the little guys how to ride and rope is a family tradition. We have wrangler roots."

"You told me about that. For getting the llamas under control, right?"

"Sort of. I mean, the family raises llamas right now, but we used to have cows. My dad told me about how _his_ dad was a cowpunch for an entire herd of cattle down south. The cows weren't just stubborn like the llamas - some of 'em could be downright mean."

Jessie sensed a cowboy story incoming. If she had one, she would have started playing a banjo to set the mood. But she didn't, so instead, she smiled and nodded and rocked Zeke in her arms. Lukas recounted a long story about how his ancestors would catch wild mustangs in the plains and go on long cattle drives.

"...So, riding and roping and wrangling has always been a part of the family, long story short," Lukas concluded, after he finished telling his tale. "Even if I don't look after a herd of animals, I think it's important to keep the tradition alive. And who knows? Maybe I will have to catch an animal running loose in Beacontown someday."

"Cool story, Lukas. But do you really think you would ever need to catch a wild horse?"

"Most likely? No. But it would be fun to try."

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in Niat-nuom_

Separated from his herd, and in the middle of Niat-nuom, no less. Dianthus trotted over the grassy hills, tail flicking anxiously. The small, cloud-white horse had more to fear than not having the safety of numbers anymore. And the reason for that lay in the long, straight horn that erupted from his forehead.

If beautiful mustangs were a target enough for the bandits and rustlers of Niat-nuom, imagine how much they'd love to catch a unicorn. Just the rumors told about unicorns were tempting enough: that they were magical, that the touch of their horn could heal injuries and purify water.

He found a water gully and bent down to have a drink. It was another hot day in the plains. Some cold, fresh water was heaven-sent to the lost pony. Dianthus shared the water with two deer and a feral hog, who could really care less whether he was a ho-hum horse or a unique unicorn.

A sudden noise made the animals look up. The deer glanced at each other, then bounded away. The hog snuffled heartily and waddled off to find a mud pit. Dianthus thought he recognized the sound, but he wasn't quite sure...and he didn't really want to run away.

"I think he went over there!" human voices shouted. "Let's get 'im!"

Like they would really be talking about the pig! Dianthus took off, running in the opposite direction of the voices. Or at least what he hoped was the opposite direction. But he wasn't a fast runner, and soon, he could hear more hoofbeats behind him. Two mules, both ridden by a human, were chasing him. And they were pretty darn speedy mules, too.

"Don't let him get away!" one human said to the other. "That thing is going to pay for my college tuition! Micah, try to corner him."

"Ha! You wish it would, Ranger!" the other (Micah, apparently) replied. "You'd need to catch like, _fifteen_ unicorns to pay for college in this economy."

"Ugh."

"It's true!"

Dianthus turned sharply, hoping to catch them off-guard. It was really hard to lose them in these open plains. The rustlers were hot on his tail. Micah got out a length of rope and tied it into a lasso, while Ranger tried to run ahead and cut Dianthus off. Dianthus whinnied and turned sharply, throwing his pursuers off course. Micah growled in frustration and threw the lasso. It snagged on Dianthus's horn and slipped down his neck.

"I've got him!" Micah shouted. "Aw, yeah!"

Dianthus snorted and neighed in distress, pulling at the rope. Micah dug his feet into his mule's sides, making it halt. With the mule not moving and the rope connecting them, the unicorn couldn't go anywhere. Dianthus reared up and yanked at the rope, but he couldn't escape. He was too small to garner enough force for that.

"College tuition, here I come!" Ranger rubbed his hands together.

"What? No way. I caught the dumb unicorn," Micah said. "I should get the credit. And by credit, I mean treasure. What do you think they'll offer me for a unicorn?"

"I've heard that the horns can go for fifteen diamonds apiece," Ranger said.

"You'd better not be pulling my leg." Micah glared. "I know you're not one for numbers, Ranger."

"Hey!" It was true, but still.

"Besides, I don't want to sell the horn. I want the reward for the whole unicorn, dummy. And removing horn is going to hurt it like you won't believe. Let's not indulge in pointless animal cruelty, okay?"

"Yeah, you're right. Still, I should get the credit. It was my idea."

"No, it wasn't, you big liar."

Dianthus took advantage of the lull to escape. Micah's grip on the rope weakened when he got distracted by talking with Ranger. The unicorn yanked the tail end of the rope right out of his hand, then took off at a graceful gallop.

"Whoa! Hey! He got away!" Micah shouted, giving his mule a kick in the ribs to make it go. "Come on, Ranger, we have to catch him again!"

With the two rustlers pursuing, the unicorn sped off, running as fast as he could. He tossed his head, throwing off the lasso. His cloven hooves hammered the ground. Distantly, he could see tall dark shapes looming against the morning sky. Dianthus thought that they were the trees of a forest, so he aimed for them in his getaway.

But when he got closer, he realized he made a mistake. The tall dark shapes weren't trees, but rather structures of stone and wood. He had run into a city by mistake. If he could read, he would have seen that the sign said "Beacontown," too.

Frantic, Dianthus looked over his shoulder. The rustlers were still following him, coming down the hill with their lassos ready. Nuts! There was nowhere else for Dianthus to go, so he slipped away deeper into the city. He jumped a fence and ran down a side street in an area of densely packed buildings, hoping it would be enough to lose his pursuers.

"Whoa!" Micah pulled his mule to a stop, then thrust out his hand and motioned for Ranger to halt as well. "Hang on. We can't go into Beacontown."

"Why not?"

"You and I - plus Strabo and Xabre - sort of have warrants here. If we wanna go in, we have to do it on the sly."

"I'm not very stealthy."

"Yeah, I learned that the hard way." Micah rolled his eyes. "Okay, I need your opinion for something."

Ranger's eyes got sparkly. "Omgosh, Micah! You want _my_ opinion on something? You _never_ ask for my opinion on anything."

"Don't make me regret it, Ranger. Do you want to keep chasing the unicorn, or should we give up?"

"Um, chase it. Duh," Ranger replied. "I hate filling out scholarships. Writing all those dumb essays."

"Okay, then we have to ditch the mules." Micah dismounted his mule, then gave it a slap on the flank. It whinnied and scampered off. Ranger slid out of the saddle and did the same thing.

"Uh, they're not just gonna run off into nowhere, right?" he asked.

"They'll be fine." Micah put on his bandit scarf, covering up his nose and mouth. "Unlike _someone_ I know, they can find their way home without any help."

"It's not my fault that guy gave us the wrong directions."

"No, he gave us the right directions. You just didn't follow them right, and thanks to you, we almost froze our bums off in the tundra. Why do you have to be so dense?"

"That's why I'm trying to go to college. To get smarter."

"Never mind! Just get the unicorn!"

* * *

"Stupid allergies," Axel muttered, walking out of the doctor's office. "I thought they would go away when hayfever season was over, but noooo."

He hated the allergy meds his doctor prescribed him. First of all, they tasted like rotten fish. Second, they weren't available in Boom Town, so he had to walk all the way to Beacontown to get them from an apothecary. And third, they made him drowsy and gave him weird dreams.

Having just been administered a dose to offset his sneezes and itches, Axel stepped onto the sidewalk. He looked both ways and then…

Had to stop, because a loud squealing sound made everyone in the vicinity do a double take. Something small and white careened down the street. Upon a closer look, Axel saw it was a small horse with a shiny mane. A single horn erupted from its forehead. Yep, it was a unicorn, running right down a main street of Beacontown.

What the heck? Was he seeing things?

He re-checked the list of side effects on the meds bottle…

* * *

Even nerds need to stay in shape, so Olivia decided to give the gym a try while she was visiting in Beacontown. She carried a duffel bag with a pair of dumbbells and her red workout suit on her way there. She was hoping to try the ellipticals and the lat machine.

"But I can't do too much at one time," she told herself. "Start slow. That's what all the books say."

When she got to the gym, the typical crowd of gym-goers was waiting outside the door. Olivia wondered why all those super-ripped studs needed to be there if they were already so well-toned. To look good while they discussed their onerous regimens and debated about what the best protein shake recipe was? Possibly. Olivia felt a little intimidated and pondered whether to stay or go home.

"Oh, hi, Olivia!" Jesse said, catching her attention. The co-leader of the New Order was, surprisingly, also waiting for the gym to open. He had on a cute little yoga outfit and carried a rolled-up mat under his arm.

"I didn't think I'd see you here," Olivia said, walking up to him.

"Nell recommended it. We were talking the other day, and I told her about how I get kind of stressed with work sometimes, and she said I should take up yoga. At first I was like, 'But guys usually don't do yoga,' but then she said, 'That's just a dumb gender stereotype.' So she helped me pick out a workout suit and I went to her class with her, and turns out, I really like it. Helps me relax."

"Cool story, bro," Olivia said.

"She's taking me to her Judo class next week, too. I'm so excited! Martial arts look like fun."

"You and Nell have been awful chummy lately, haven't you?" Olivia asked, in a slightly accusatory voice.

Jesse's smile faded. "What? What do you mean?"

"Isn't Petra going to be jealous if you spend too much time with Nell?"

"Oh." Jesse frowned. "That. Um...geez, how am I gonna break this to you...Petra and I aren't a thing anymore, Olivia. Sorry."

"What?! You broke up!?"

"She wants to go out and explore, I want to stay in Beacontown and settle. It wouldn't work out. There wasn't a fight or anything, and we're still friends. We just decided that we'd both be happier if we were free to choose our life paths that way."

"But what about Dave?"

"He's staying with Petra. She adopted him in her name anyway, not mine, so legally, she's his mother. I don't have any legal custody of him."

"But everyone ships you two!"

"Olivia. We're not together anymore, and that's that. Okay?" He sounded genuinely annoyed, so Olivia knew it was time to back off.

"Fine. It's just that I thought you two had a future together."

"We don't. I'm sorry, but we don't."

Olivia said something, but got drowned out by a musical neigh. Everyone turned to look at what neighed. A small, white horse hurried by. Even in the one second it was there, the horn growing out of its forehead was apparent.

"My stars!" Olivia exclaimed. "Did you see that?"

Jesse watched the unicorn run down the street. "That ain't something you see every day. Come on, we need to tell my sister."

* * *

 _A little later_

"Are we getting close to the door?" Lukas asked. "I can't see. I have to walk backwards."

"Yeah, we're almost there," Jessie replied. "It pushes open, so just nudge it with your hip or something, and then we'll be inside."

"Thank goodness."

Jessie and Lukas were carrying a large and heavy cardboard box to Jessie's office. Jessie held on to one end and Lukas had the other, and they faced towards each other while carrying it. Lukas couldn't walk forwards nor could he see where he was even going, making him start to regret this decision.

"Lift with your knees!" Jessie scolded him.

"I am lifting with my knees!" Lukas's back bumped against the door. "Phew. My arms are about to pull out of their sockets."

He turned to the side slightly and pushed the door open with his hip. Then he and Jessie carried the box inside the office and hoisted it onto Jessie's desk. The desk and floor rattled with the impact.

"That's the heaviest box I've ever carried," Lukas complained. "What's in it, anyway?"

"My new typewriter!" Jessie explained, grinning and getting out a box cutter. "I ordered it from Cold-en a month ago, and the caravan finally made it to Beacontown today."

Cold-en was a tundra and taiga area some distance south of Beacontown. It was the only place Jessie knew that made typewriters. Since the gadget was too heavy to lift out of the box, she just sliced the box open, pulled out the packing wool, and cut away the cardboard.

"Oh, that's _nice_ ," Lukas mused, running his hand along the typewriter's smooth enamel surface.

"I ordered it because doing paperwork by hand just isn't efficient anymore. If everything goes well, I can type it up in way less time and have more time to-"

The office door blasted open, scaring Lukas. He squealed and jumped a full two feet in the air. Before Jessie could calm him down, a gaggle of people flooded into the room. At the forefront were Olivia, Axel, and Jesse.

"Uh, hi, guys," she said. "What's going on?"

"Weird stuff in Beacontown!" they shouted over each other. "We need your help!"

"Okay. What's the problem? What's the weird thing?"

Jesse stepped up. "There's a unicorn running loose in Beacontown. Someone has to catch it."

"All right...doesn't sound like too much of a problem," Jessie said, not paying close enough attention to what he said. "It shouldn't take much time and-Hold on a second. Did you say that there was a _unicorn_ loose in Beacontown?"

"Yeah," the entire chorus of people in the room replied.

Jessie squinted. "Okay, no offense, but that doesn't really make sense. How could there be a unicorn loose in Beacontown?"

"It's running around and startling people," Axel said. "And it won't let anyone get close enough to catch it. I couldn't even wrangle it, and being a wrangler is part of my job at Boom Town."

Jessie flopped into her spinny chair. "That's not really what I meant. Unicorns aren't real. Just like vampires, werewolves, and good dubstep music."

"Tell that to the unicorn running around Beacontown," Olivia cut in.

Jessie sighed. "You too, Olivia? You're too rational to be falling for this. Or are you in on the joke?"

"It's not a joke, Jessie," Jesse said. "Please believe us. There really is a unicorn running loose in Beacontown."

"Lukas, can you believe this?" Jessie asked, swiveling her chair around to face her husband. "I'm pretty sure they're playing a prank on me. It's like that goofy incident with the parrots-"

"Jessie, they're telling the truth," Lukas said. "Unicorns actually do exist. They're rare, but they exist."

"Oh," Jessie said quietly; she turned back to the others. "You learn something new every day, I guess. I'm sorry for doubting you."

"It's okay!" they responded.

"Looks like I really do have to do some wrangling, after all." Lukas brushed his hands together. "I don't want the unicorn to get hurt or anyone to get hurt by the unicorn. The city is no place for an animal like that to be running loose."

"Well, all right then," Jessie said. "I guess I shouldn't try to talk you out of this. Do you know what you're doing?"

"Mmm-hmm. Like I said earlier, wrangling is in the family bloodline." He grinned. "Yee-haw! Time to embrace my inner cowpunch!"

He kissed Jessie on her forehead, just the way she liked it, and ran out of the room. Jessie wanted to help but didn't really know how, so she went back to working on her paperwork. The crowd of people was still in the office.

"Go home!" she told them. "Lukas is going to handle this."

* * *

Luckily, Lukas had thought to go to Beacontown by horse today. A pretty, dark-haired mare was waiting for him outside the Hall.

"Hi, Kona," he said as he untied her from the hitching post. "Ready for some exercise, girl? I'll give you sugar cubes if you're good."

Mentioning the sugar cubes got Kona on board. She took off at a steady trot, while Lukas glanced around for signs of the unicorn. He stopped at the grocery to pick up a bag of fruit and a length of soft rope. Throwing them into Kona's saddle bag, he jumped up into the saddle again and took off at a brisk trot.

"Okay. It's a little white horse with a big ol' horn sticking out of its head. He...she...ze...shouldn't be that hard to find, I'd think. What about you? Never mind, you can't talk."

Driving the horse around a corner, Lukas kept an eye out for the unicorn. He wished he could have seen it in person, so he'd know what it looked like.

"Hey," he asked a woman on the street, "have you seen a unicorn around here recently? I'm trying to catch it so I can take it back to the wild."

"It went downtown," the woman replied, pointing in that general direction. "It runs away and hides whenever someone gets too close."

"Okay, thanks." Lukas rode off towards downtown. Looking for the unicorn was a bit trickier here, because the buildings were packed together more tightly and the foot traffic was heavier. He said "sorry" and "excuse me" ad nauseum as he tried to weave his way through the crowd of pedestrians and horse riders.

Just then, he caught a glimpse of silvery white out of the corner of his eyes. Surely that was what he was looking for. Eagerly he pursued it, letting it lead him into a space between two large buildings. Lukas held his breath and peeked around the corner…

 _(to be continued...)_


	32. Follow Your Dreams (Pt 2)

Eureka! There the unicorn was, hiding in the alley. Judging by its broad shoulders and sharp muscle outlines, he was a male. He sniffed a pile of garbage spilling from a dustbin, probably looking for food. Lukas didn't doubt that he would be hungry.

"Here, unicorn!" he called in a gentle, high-pitched voice. "It's gonna be okay. See, I have fruit for you! Tasty fruit!"

The unicorn, startled, looked up. He saw the human sitting on a horse and holding out a ripe apple. Not sure what to make of that, he backed away.

"No, no, you'll be okay. I don't wanna hurt you. See, I'm nice!" Lukas tried to look as non-threatening as possible. He dropped the apple at the unicorn's feet.

The pony nudged the apple with his nose and sniffed it. It seemed legit. Cautiously, he took a bite.

"Attaboy," Lukas said.

Now that the jumpy critter was standing still, Lukas noticed a silk string hanging low around the unicorn's neck. A small silver disc was tied to it, which read "DIANTHUS." His name tag? How did someone get a name tag on a wild unicorn in the first place?

"That's a good boy, Dianthus," Lukas said, slowly reaching for the soft rope hanging off Kona's saddle. "Hold steady-"

As soon as he was done with the apple, Dianthus galloped away, running out the other side of the alley. Lukas grunted in frustration and gave Kona a nudge in the sides to make her go. He followed the unicorn out of the alley and back down the street.

Dianthus kept weaving through the system of buildings and alleyways, making it difficult to follow him. He was smaller and more maneuverable than Kona, and he had the advantage of not bearing a rider. Lukas had to keep ducking to avoid smacking his head on awnings, flagpoles, and hanging signs.

"Come on, Dianthus," he pleaded. "I'm not gonna hurt you! I don't even want to keep you. I'm just taking you out of Beacontown - the city is no place for a unicorn."

But Dianthus ignored him and continued to flee. Lukas sighed and kept up the chase.

"Firm voice, gentle hand, sunny attitude," he repeated to himself, remembering his pa's advice for calming down animals. So far he seemed to be doing well. But maybe there was a different protocol for unicorns than there was for horses?

The horse chase took Lukas back out of downtown and into the Beacontown suburbs. Here the traffic was less congested, and there weren't as many places for Dianthus to hide. The unicorn glanced around at the cute little bungalows on either side of the road, looking for an escape route.

"Here, unicorn! Here, Dianthus!" Lukas called. "It'll be okay, boy."

The unicorn glanced back at Lukas, but then jumped a fence and landed in someone's backyard. And it was a tall fence, too. While contemplating how to deal with that plot development, Lukas heard a whinny and then a splash.

"Huh. I don't think that's a good thing. Stay here, Kona." He dismounted, ran at the house, and scrambled over the fence. Yeah, he was trespassing, but the homeowner probably didn't want a spooked unicorn in their yard anyway.

Vaulting over the fence, he landed in the vegetable garden and almost crushed a tomato plant. Across the small yard, Dianthus flailed and thrashed around in the swimming pool. He must have fallen in by mistake.

Lukas hurried over to him. "Shh, shh! You're okay. You're okay."

He got out the soft rope and tied a quick lasso. When Dianthus snorted and shied away, Lukas took a banana out of his pocket and tried to convince the unicorn with that.

"Here, boy. Look. A nice, tasty banana. Do you want it?"

I guess he did want it. Dianthus paddled towards the banana.

"Yeah, that's it. It's gonna be okay. I'm helping you."

Using the banana to distract Dianthus and calm him down, Lukas actually managed to slip the lasso over the unicorn's head. Between lots of coaxing, calm talking, and patience, Lukas helped Dianthus escape the pool. He sighed with relief as he led the pony out of the yard. To reward Dianthus's cooperation, Lukas fed him the banana. Operation Unicorn Whisperer: a success, hopefully.

"See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" He stroked Dianthus's neck. "Good boy. Good Dianthus. Let's get you home now, okay?"

Kona trotted up to them just then. She snorted at Lukas, annoyed to have been ignored.

"I'm sorry, Kona! Dianthus ran away and I had to pull him out of a swimming pool. It took a while."

Kona snuffled, as if saying, "I'm still upset," but she let Lukas swing up into the saddle anyway. Lukas knotted Dianthus's lead rope to the saddle horn so he wouldn't run away if he got spooked again. From there, they started to head toward the city limits, with the meadows beyond in mind.

* * *

Micah and Ranger had run through the city all morning long, trying to be both quick enough to keep up with the unicorn and stealthy enough to not be seen. Unsurprisingly, the tricky task left them with puffing lungs and sore leg muscles. Micah was used to running around, but he wasn't used to chasing a unicorn around a city for hours on end.

To make matters worse, just when they were sure that they'd cornered the unicorn in an alleyway, the worst possible thing happened. None other than _Lukas_ beat them to it, forcing Micah and Ranger to run away before he spotted them.

"That blond loser beat us to it," Micah griped to Ranger as they tried to figure out where the unicorn and the blondie had gone. "He might ruin our whole chance!"

"And he almost spotted us, too," Ranger fretted. "He could turn us in. We're wanted men! ...Hey, that actually sounds cool. _I'm a wanted man_. It's edgy; I like it."

Micah smacked him upside the head. "Stay focused, Ranger! We have to bag the unicorn before Lukas does."

"I'm pretty sure Lukas is just going to do catch-and-release. He's too nice to capture a wild animal and keep it for good."

"Either way, it ruins our plans." Micah tried to explain the situation quickly. "If he does that and then lets it loose in the wild, our scheme is basically all for nothing. It'll get away, probably find its herd again, and then no unicorn and no payback for us. We have to catch it while it's still trapped in the city. And we might have to fight the blond loser for it, so be ready. Got it?"

"Okay," Ranger said. "So which way did it go?"

"I think it went this way."

"Wait!"

Micah scowled. "What on earth for?"

"Do you really think we'll be able to fight Lukas?"

"Oh, gimme a break. I'm way stronger than he is, not mention more handsome. I don't think fighting _him_ will be a problem. He's a peaceful goody-goody."

"Yeah, but he's also Jessie's husband. As in, killed-the-Witherstorm and what-else Jessie. She'll find out if he gets hurt. And that's gonna be big trouble for us."

Micah changed the subject. "You're wasting time. Let's go."

* * *

Dianthus relaxed as soon as he was out of the city. Urban settings were no place for a unicorn; they had to be free to roam the forests and gallop across the plains. Right now, the little procession was making its way through the farmland outside Beacontown, on their way to the meadows and wooded areas beyond.

"Here you go, little buddy," Lukas said, stroking Dianthus's mane. "You're almost home."

Dianthus neighed softly, although he still seemed perturbed by the lasso around his neck. Lukas had to keep promising him that he'd take it off as soon as they were in a safer area. And he held to it. A couple minutes later, they reached a flowery meadow by a stream that ran into the woodlands. Lukas dismounted Kona and lifted the rope off the unicorn's neck.

Dianthus neighed and shook his neck, making his silky mane undulate like pond water. Now that he was up close, Lukas couldn't get over how pretty the unicorn was. Spotless fur, a silver mane, the pearly single horn, delicate cloven hooves, innocent brown eyes - no wonder unicorns were a symbol of purity. And it wasn't running and hiding for once, either. Grinning, Lukas reached out and ran his hand down Dianthus's nose, feeling the velvet-soft fur under his fingers.

"But you're meant to be free," he said. "No-one should catch you and keep you against your will."

"Too bad that's not gonna be the case, Lukas," a vaguely familiar voice said. "We've spent all day lookin' to catch that unicorn, and we're not giving up now."

"Yeah, what do you think this is, a chick lit book for middle school girls?," another voice added. "The real world is tough."

Lukas froze, then dared to look behind him. Two young men on mules stood behind him, glaring. One had platinum blond hair and hazel eyes; the other was lanky and had scars on his face. They both carried lassos, but they obviously didn't have catch and release on their minds.

Not _those_ two again!

Still, Lukas felt an odd stroke of bravery, so he interposed himself Dianthus and Micah and Ranger. "Go away, Micah. You're not touching the unicorn."

"You're defending a unicorn? Really, Lukas? I knew you were effeminate, but this is just a stroke too far." Micah flicked the lasso.

"I said go away. Leave Dianthus alone." Lukas didn't want to have to use the knife tucked into his belt.

"What kind of stupid name is Dianthus?" Micah goaded his mule forward, intruding on Lukas's personal space. "Step aside, you wannabe cowpunch."

"Yeah," Ranger giggled. "That's almost as dumb as calling it, uh, Sprinkle Princess, or Cutie Cupcake, or Pinkie Pie, or Minty…"

"Ranger?" Micah asked.

Ranger glanced back at him. "What?"

"Shut up. I'll handle the vaguely threatening one-liners, all right?"

He wilted. "Sorry."

"Don't you lay a hand on Dianthus," Lukas warned, still not moving aside. "Whatever you're plotting isn't good, and he doesn't deserve it."

"Stop it with your moralizing - you're not gonna talk me out of this. I need a bit of success every now and then." Micah took another step forward...his mule was breathing in Lukas's face at this point. "So do you want to give up the unicorn now, or do you want to fight me for it?"

Micah reached for the iron sword at his hip. Lukas, feeling nervous, went for his own weapon. He wasn't a fan of fighting, but he did know self defense. And, in this case, unicorn defense.

"Oh. Look at that. He's gonna fight. That's real cute," Micah taunted. "I don't know what you're playing at, because there's two of us and one of you. Where's the rest of the New Order?"

"They're...You don't need to know," Lukas replied, catching himself. "Why would you ask that?"

"You should get used to the sound of that question. Pretty soon, you yourself will be asking it a lot." Micah gave him a malicious wink.

Lukas felt a shiver go down his back. "W-What?"

"I can't tell you too much about what us bad guys have been planning, but it's not gonna be too fun for you dorks. So, whatcha gonna do, blondie?"

Before Lukas could respond, however, Dianthus made the decision for him. With a startlingly loud whinny, he tossed Lukas into the air with a scoop and snap-up of his horn. Lukas landed on Dianthus's back as the unicorn dodged away from the surprised rustlers and took off.

"What the...What just happened?" Ranger practically fell off the mule trying to look behind him.

"Never mind what happened!" Micah kicked his mule in the ribs. "Get them!"

By the time Lukas realized what the heck just happened, Dianthus was giving him a ride - at a full, fast, teeth-rattling gallop. He let out a startled yelp and struggled to sit upright on the unicorn's back. The wind roared in his ears and the floral smell was overpowering. It might have been fun if they weren't running for freedom and safety.

Then again, it actually was fun despite that.

"Holy wow!" Lukas exclaimed. "I'm riding a unicorn! Ha! This is great!"

His grandpa would have been so proud! Lukas was a little more sobered, though, when he saw Micah and Ranger giving chase on their mules. They were pretty fast for mules, too...or Dianthus was just a slow runner.

"Come on, boy," Lukas urged the unicorn. "You got this."

He could hear Micah and Ranger shouting behind him. Not only did he have to deal with the current danger, but he couldn't shake Micah's creepy comments out of his head. He had known for a while that Micah, his friends, and whoever their boss was all were involved in some kind of plot, but this was the first time Micah alluded to what it could possibly be.

Something about how Lukas would be asking where his friends and family were?

He tensed up. _If one of those creeps lays a hand on Jessie or Zeke, they'll pay for it. I'll make sure of it._

Running parallel to the edge of the woodlands, Dianthus was heading deeper into the plains. The grass went from a fertile, flower-spackled terrain to something more dry and crinkly. Lukas spotted olive trees here and there.

"I hope you know where you're going, Dianthus, because I don't have a clue," Lukas said, stroking the unicorn's neck. "Be careful, okay?"

He glanced behind him and bit his lip. Micah and Ranger were closing in. They both had crazed, gleeful looks on their faces, and Micah was getting read to throw the lasso at them. Not knowing what to do, Lukas sort of froze up.

Suddenly, the two rustlers screeched to a halt and the smiles dropped off their faces.

"Uh oh," Ranger squeaked.

"What are you guys talking abou-Oh my gosh." Lukas turned around and saw what the goons were frightened by.

Dianthus's herd was back. A horde of disgruntled mustangs stood there, looking ready to take on two measly rustlers. Just because horses are herbivores doesn't mean they can't attack.

The unicorn, still carrying Lukas on his back, hurried into the ranks of the horses, sidling up next to the lead mustang. Said lead mustang was a mountain of a buckskin stallion, with fire in his eyes and hooves hard enough to break rocks. Buckskin leered and Micah and Ranger, practically puffing smoke out of his nose, and scraped the ground with his sharp-edged hooves.

"Uh...ah…" Micah stammered, seemingly having shrunk a good six inches in height.

"Hi…" Ranger whimpered, trembling.

Buckskin reared up and let out a horrifying sound from deep in his throat. Not so much a neigh as it was a _roar_.

"I just remembered I have some scholarships to fill out." Ranger jammed his heels into his mule's sides and took off as fast as he could. Micah wasn't too far behind. Buckskin charged after them, the ground shaking in his wake. More mighty mustangs followed him as reinforcements, riding past Lukas in wind jets that nearly blew him off Dianthus's back.

A good five minutes later, the blonde man finally found his speech again. "Well, Dianthus, it looks like you don't need my help anymore."

Still shaken, Lukas dismounted and staggered a few steps away. Dianthus snorted.

"I...I need to go home. I have to find Kona again, and Jessie is probably wondering where I am…"

He started walking back home, a task that was more time-consuming than he'd prefer. He hadn't appreciated how fast Dianthus had been going while they were fleeing. Great. After about half an hour of walking, he made it back to the forest's edge where Kona was still waiting for him. He gave her the rest of the fruit in the bag to make up for the wait. From there, it was back to Beacontown.

"Can you imagine doing that kind of thing every day?" Lukas asked Kona as they passed through the city gates. "Of course, I don't think my grandpa ever had to deal with unicorns…"


	33. Anniversary

**In celebration of one year of Minecraft: Silly Mode on April 2nd, have this short that's all about an anniversary party! Thank you, awesome people, for tolerating my bizarre brand of humor for an entire year. I appreciate your reception.**

 **It's Ivor and Harper's anniversary, and the kids decide to pleasantly surprise them with a dinner party. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, honey. Everything could go wrong. This is Silly Mode, after all.**

 **I won't be posting anything else for the duration of Holy Week, so see you on Easter Monday. Happy Easter!**

 **Based on a request by Raintag. Thanks, Raintag!**

 _Timeline: *shrug*_

Jessie was running through a field, with the green grass rolling out ahead of her and the sun shining above her head. Behind her, though, four people chased her. No matter how hard she ran, she didn't go any faster, and her pursuers closed in on her. She could see their faces: those of her current enemies. Strabo, Micah, Xabre, and Ranger. A rock scuttled into her path, as obstacles are wont to do in chasing dreams, and her foot snagged on it. Down she fell, stumbling on her knees. Micah got to her first. He cackled at her before kicking her in the back. Pain! It shot up and down her spine. She wanted to cry out in agony, but she couldn't force any sound out of her throat -

Suddenly, Jessie was lying on her back in bed. The duvet cocooned her, and Lukas snuggled up to her in his sleep. Zeke's soft snoring crackled through the baby monitor on her nightstand. Early-morning light filtered through the shades on the window. Jessie sighed and ran a hand through her messy hair.

"Bad dream," she muttered. The pain in her back persisted, but now she remember how she really got the injury. It wasn't new, nor had it been inflicted by Micah. She'd hurt her back a few days ago, after falling from some vines while on a New Order mission. Nothing serious, but Lukas had nagged her into seeing the doctor about it. Jessie shuffled around in bed, trying to find a more comfortable position so she could go back to sleep. It didn't work, and instead, the moving mattress roused Lukas.

"Hi, Jessie," he murmured, still three-quarters in dreamland. "Why are you awake?"

"Oh, it's this stupid back," Jessie told him, rubbing the sore spot. "Now it's worked its way into my dreams."

"I told you, maybe you should-"

"Visit the clinic about it. I know, Lukas." She sat up. "Well, guess I shouldn't hold it off anymore. Where did you put the calendar?"

"Kitchen counter." Lukas yawned and went back to sleep.

Jessie wandered into the kitchen to find it. Yeah, it was on the kitchen counter, but it was also buried under some junk mail that Lukas had forgotten to throw away. Jessie muttered about how absentminded he could be sometimes and pushed it aside, revealing the Pig-a-Month calendar. She flipped through the pages to the current month and looked for an unoccupied date. While she did that, her eyes fell on a circled day in the last week of the month.

"Ivor and Harper's anniversary!" she exclaimed when she saw it. "I almost forgot. Yikes, that would have been bad of me to forget. And it's in a week, too."

At first she made a mental note to get them a nice card and a little gift for them, but then she thought of something nicer. She called over Lukas to share her idea with him.

"Lukey baby!" she called from the kitchen, then waited a couple of seconds. He didn't mind being called Lukey Baby unless it was in public. Jessie called him that once during a public interview, and he almost died of embarrassment. But since they were at home, sure enough, he came meandering into the kitchen with his unbrushed hair hanging in his face.

"Uh-huh?" he asked. "What is it, Jessie?"

"Ivor and Harper's anniversary is coming up. We should do something nice for them. Show them they're appreciated."

"Oh, sure!" He perked up a bit. "That's a great idea. What did you have in mind?"

"We could host a dinner party for them," she suggested. "Harper likes dinner parties, and Ivor likes it when Harper's happy. What do you think?"

Lukas shrugged. "It might be sort of tricky, but I think we could do it."

"Sure. And it's not like it would just be the two of us, either. We could recruit the rest of the squad for help. I'm sure they'd be happy to do it."

"They would. They are his kids, too, even if he doesn't like to admit it."

"Awesome sauce." Jessie put away the calendar, forgetting to schedule her doctor's appointment in the process. "I'll spread the news to the rest of the team when I head into Beacontown today. Are you planning on going out?"

"Not really, but I can go. Petra's staying at the campgrounds on the edge of town right now, so I can talk to her."

"Oh, Petra's back in town. Nice." She swiped some of that hair out of his face so she could see his eyes. "You do that. Thanks, babe."

Lukas grinned; he liked it when she did the hair thing.

"Rally the troops," Jessie said. "It's time to throw a party!"

* * *

 _Later that day_

Jessie, feeling as fresh as a bumblebee in her new T-shirt and overalls, carried an envelope to her mailbox. She ran her tongue along the glue strip on the back of the envelope and sealed it. Inside was an order form for some of the party supplies. She couldn't find any celebratory banners that were specifically for an anniversary and had to settle for some generic congratulatory ones instead. Oh well. She hoped Ivor and Harper would appreciate the sentiment.

Today was a lucky afternoon! As soon as she slipped envelope into the mailbox, an adorable thing with her own and Lukas's handprints on it, the mail guy came to pick it up. Instant sending! He deposited the envelope in his donkey's saddle bag, greeted Jessie, and carried it off to its destination.

She felt pretty pleased with herself that getting the supplies for the party had been that easy. Usually, when she and her found family planned an event, at least a few things always went wrong. Maybe it wouldn't be the case this time.

But then she realized that the mail guy had carried off her order form so quickly that she didn't have any time to check it first. She knew she wasn't that great with numbers and addresses, so she really should have double-checked before handing it over...

She shrugged. "Meh, I'm pretty sure I put the right address on the form. And if I didn't, well, I guess I'll just have to send another order. Besides, if that's the case, whoever gets it by mistake will probably be happy to get some party banners."

* * *

 _I don't know about that, Jessie._

There was a little church on the south side of Beacontown, adjoined by a small graveyard for the passed-away members of its congregation. Today, a black carriage driven by two grumpy horses rolled up to the lawn, heading towards the white tent set up by the headstones. A few more carriages - these smaller and painted white - followed in its wake. It was a procession.

The hearse came to a stop, and so did the rest of the funeral procession. Everyone exited the carriages and started walking up the hill. Each person was dressed in dark, formal clothes. Silently and sans a smile, they gathered at a freshly dug hole on the hill.

The pastor stood at the graveside with an inconsolable woman wearing a black lace veil over her face. She was sobbing, with her mascara and tears running down her cheeks. The appearance of her friends and family did nothing to make her feel better.

The pastor got out his good book and cleared his throat. "Friends, today we gather to observe the passing of Mr. Josiah Diasa, survived by his wife Justine Diasa."

"Josiah!" Mrs. Diasa sobbed, pressing a tissue to her stained cheeks. "Why?"

The pastor went on, addressing the somber crowd, "We observe his passing from this earth, and though it is a sad day for us, we know that heaven rejoices. At this moment, he is entering into the courts of the Lord in heaven, freed from earthly sorrows and-Hold on. What's this?"

The minister paused and looked up from his lectionary. A new carriage was coming up the road to the graveyard. At first he thought it was a latecomer from the procession, but once it got closer, he couldn't recognize the vehicle. "Beacontown Party Inc." was painted in purple on the side of the cart.

"Uh…" He flipped through his lectionary. "This is NOT in the order of service for a funeral. What's going on?"

Two men in stupid blue pinstriped uniforms jumped out of the carriage, holding cardboard boxes under their arms. They hurried up the hill to the funeral, then set down the boxes in front of the pastor.

"We got your order," they told him.

"What? What order?"

"Here it is, and we've got the form to prove it."

They showed him an order form from the Party Inc. catalog, filled out in handwriting that no-one at the funeral recognized. But sure enough, it had the church's address written on the form.

"What's in here?" One of the attendees folded back the flaps on the box. She lifted out two paper banners.

"Is that a banner?" the pastor asked. "What does it say?"

The attendee unfolded them. "CONGRATULATIONS!" blazed across one, and the other blared "CELEBRATION TIME!"

Loud sobbing rolled down the hill. Mrs. Diasa had started crying again. It was bad enough that the idiots from the party inc. had interrupted her husband's funeral, but also with banners that said exactly the wrong thing.

"Who sent these?!"

* * *

The New Order of the Stone was on the verge of civil war. Half of them sat on the left side of a table while half grouped up on the right, and they stared each other down intensely. A cookbook lay open on the table between them, with a recipe for beef tips on one page and directions for haddock on the other.

"Beef tips or go home," Axel said, smacking his hand on the table. "Tips are tasty, and Ivor and Harper will like it."

"No, you only think that because _you_ like beef tips," Olivia countered. "You need to stop being so myopic with your opinions."

"And you're just using big words to make me feel dumb. It's not about who's smarter, Olivia. It's about which dish is gonna be better for the dinner."

"I know that, and that's why I say we should make haddock. Haddock tastes delicious in a lemon butter sauce. It has a great texture. Beef tips taste like old hamburger, and eating them is like trying to chew on leather. Ivor and Harper are going to like haddock better."

Team Beef Tips consisted of Axel, Petra, Jesse, and Dave. Olivia led Team Haddock, supported by Jessie, Lukas, and Nell. Neither was going to back down on which dinner dish was superior. It never occurred to them that they could make beef tips _and_ haddock. On went the argument.

"You guys are being so selfish!" Petra accused Jessie. "You think that just because you served fish at your wedding reception, everyone should serve it at every party ever."

"I'm pretty sure that's a logical fallacy of a strawman argument," Olivia replied.

Axel covered up his ears. "Olivia's using big words to sound smart again. Stop trying to make me feel dumb!"

"But what if we make beef tips and they don't like it?" Lukas said. "Ivor didn't like the beef tips at his wedding reception. He said eating them was like trying to eat leather. Maybe doing beef tips will bring back bad memories."

"I'll give you some bad memories!" Petra suddenly jumped over the table and tackled Lukas. She wrestled blondie to the floor while everyone else watched in vague horror.

"Get her off me!" Lukas cried, tears welling up in his eyes as Petra twisted his arm back in a hammerlock.

"Ha-ha," she gloated. "Serves you right."

"All this over what dish to serve at dinner?" Nell asked.

"Someone get Petra to calm down!" Axel said. "I didn't mean for her to take it that seriously."

"But she's my ex-girlfriend!" Jesse blurted.

Axel stared at him for a moment before saying, "Then get the girlfriend you have now to do it."

"I'm a pacifist, though," Nell protested. "Intervening might get violent, and I don't believe in using violence to make a point."

"Petra's using violence to make her point right now, you nutty social justice warrior!" Axel responded. "Do something, Nell!"

"Why is it on me to stop them?"

Jessie, not putting up with this anymore, stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out a shrill whistle. Everyone stopped and swiveled to look at her.

"Okay, that's enough," Jessie said. "Petra, get off of Lukas."

Petra let go of his arm.

"Seriously, Petra. You just fly-tackled one of your best friends over what to serve for an anniversary dinner. What was that all about?"

"Sorry," Petra said, taking off her bandanna and using it to wipe some sweat off her face. "I don't know what got into me. I've been stressed from traveling, and I kinda took it out on Lukas."

"Owww," Lukas moaned, holding the hammerlocked arm.

"Man, I'm sorry, Lukas," she apologized, genuinely. "I really shouldn't have done that. Okay, I'm throwing in the towel. Whatever you guys want to make is fine by me."

"I guess beef tips are kind of disqualified in light of that," Axel admitted. "Let's just do haddock."

"Okay." Jessie nodded. "Are we all friends again?"

Everyone said "yes" in some way or form.

"Now, we just need to shop for groceries without Ivor and Harper figuring what what we're up to. I want this to be a surprise."

* * *

 _Later_

Lukas looked around the mountains of food piled up in the kitchen. He brushed his hands together and let out a nervous little giggle. By the end of the week, all those groceries would have to be transformed into a delicious dinner spread. He questioned how he ended up saddled with this responsibility in the first place. He could bake desserts that were manna from heaven, but cooking "real food" was an entirely different story.

He didn't have a plan of action for this, only the folder of recipes that Jessie gave him, so he decided on a whim to do the haddock first. It was thawing on the counter, cocooned in cling wrap. He took a good five minutes trying to peel off the wrap, grumbling about excessive packaging. At last he managed to free the filets from their plastic tomb. Haphazardly he went through a process (a process he thought overly complicated) of finding a baking tray, putting together some lemon butter concoction for the seasoning, and stuffing the whole thing in the oven. He thought he had done a pretty good job, so he reclined against the counter and worked on revising a rough draft of his latest book.

A while later, a weird smell started to waft through the kitchen. Lukas caught a whiff of it, and his nose wrinkled up.

"Ew! What's that nasty smell?" he asked aloud. Then he glanced at the oven and noticed that a little black cloud was flowing around inside it.

"Oh, snap! The fish!" Lukas wrenched the oven door open, causing pillows of smoke to float out. Coughing and wheezing, he frantically grabbed his oven mitts and pulled out the baking tray. Little black lumps littered the tray. The haddock had burned to charcoal.

"Aw, dang it!" he cried. "Jessie's gonna be mad that I ruined the haddock. I'm supposed to be making dinner, and instead I'm making burnt offerings."

Following that mishap, Lukas decided to try preparing the pasta instead. Apparently doing the fish first had been too complicated. Pasta should be easier. It was just noodles, right?

He filled up a pot with water and set it on the stovetop. After dumping in the noodles, he started stirring it and waiting for it to boil. A watched pot doesn't boil, but he forgot about that in his determination to not mess up the pasta. He watched the bubbles rise up and spin around with the convection, and the pasta swirl around as he made a current with the spoon. It was relaxing, satisfying, and almost hypnotic…

HISSSS! Some water spilled out of the pot and onto the stovetop. Lukas snapped out of his retreat into La-La Land, and he shut off the stove, but it was too late. He could only watch in horror as cascades of white foam and noodles flowed over the pot rim and splashed onto the still-hot stovetop. And as if that weren't bad enough, the noodles somehow _caught fire_ on top of the stove.

"Gah! No no no no no no no!" Lukas cried, and he frantically filled up Jessie's giant coffee mug with water. He threw it on the flaming pasta, extinguishing the fire.

"I just wanted to make some pasta," he lamented as he looked at the mess on the stovetop. "I can't do that, either? What kind of house-husband can't even make pasta from a box?"

Zeke was watching Dad from his playpen in the living room. He let out a gurgle.

"This is why I let Mommy do the cooking, Zekey," Lukas told his son. "Jessie does it better than me. I couldn't even make noodles!"

"Essy," Zeke replied.

"That's right, Jessie is better at cooking and-Hold on!" Lukas glanced over at Zeke. "You just said 'Jessie!'"

"Essy!" Zeke repeated.

Lukas forgot all about his kitchen failures to fanboy over how Zeke said his first word. He scooped Zeke out of the playpen and hoisted him in the air, laughing heartily. He was so proud! The little guy had said his first word, and it wasn't just "Mama" or "Dada" but Jessie's name. How cute! Energized by his son's milestone, Lukas set him back in the playpen and returned to the kitchen, filled with a fresh determination to succeed in cooking something.

He checked the list of dishes Jessie gave him, and he decided to do a salad. It was just salad. There was no way he could mess up a salad, right? So he dug through the icebox and got out a bag of lettuce and some other vegetables of that nature. Ripping up the lettuce, chopping the carrots, and slicing the tomatoes was smooth sailing. He tossed them into a bowl, and they settled in looking all fresh and healthy. Then he popped open a bottle of mayo dressing and poured it on top, draping ribbons of creamy white stuff over the emerald leaves, ruby tomatoes and...um...carrots that looked like orange gemstones? I dunno. My simile-making skills have failed me.

It didn't matter, because as soon as Lukas stepped back to admire his creation, it inexplicably burst into flames. Never mind that the vegetables and mayo were still cold from the icebox - somehow, the salad set itself on fire. Lukas could only stare at it, dumbfounded.

" _How?!_ "

* * *

Jesse opened up his mailbox. Lots of pink envelopes with heart stickers spilled out. He sighed. He didn't even need to open them up to know what they were. Every day for the past few months, he'd been getting gooshy love notes in his mail. The return address claimed that they were from Stella, but he was starting to get the feeling that they were from a prankster instead. Not even Stella would have the stubbornness (or stupidity) to send a smarmy love letter to an unrequited lover every single day.

Today he didn't feel like bothering with the love letters, so he brushed them aside while filling out an order form for the local florist. He had to enter the address of where he wanted the flowers delivered. Unfortunately, the sheer number of stupid pink envelopes jammed into his mailbox proved to be a major distraction. He'd gotten a bumper crop of them today! He counted them as he picked them out of the box and tossed them on the ground. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19…

He really shouldn't have been counting and trying to write in a house number at the same time. He was just as bad with numbers as his sister…

* * *

 _Meanwhile_

Margie couldn't believe her eyes when a florist's carriage rolled up to her house. She'd just gotten over a breakup with her latest boyfriend, which really hurt because they'd been going steady for a while. She felt unlovable and pathetic again, and she couldn't even think about Lukas - her beautiful, unattainable Lukas - without starting to cry.

But then the florist knocked on her door, filling up her heart with hope. Could it be? Had she a _secret admirer,_ who was now sending her beautiful flowers? Oh, how romantic! She threw the door open and welcomed in the florist with open arms.

"Welcome, welcome! What brings you to my home?" she asked, with a grin like a cantaloupe slice.

"Uh, I've got an order of flowers sent to this address," the florist said.

Margie let out a loud squee. "Who's it from? Who's it from?"

"Hold on. Don't you want them first?"

"Oh, right. Show me those beautiful blooms."

The florist took out the first of several bouquets in plastic sheaths. A rainbow of flowers peeked out, smelling fresh and delicate. Margie took one in her hand and breathed in the gentle essence of the blooms. Her heart fluttered at the thought of having a secret admirer, a tantalizingly shy romantic who was generous and sent her so many beautiful flowers.

"Who sent these?" she asked in a quiet, pleasured voice. "I must know. Surely you can trace the order."

"I don't know-Oh, wait, I've got it right here." The florist looked at a small transaction slip. "It says it's from Jesse Oswalt."

"Oh. My. Glob. Really? It's from HIM?!" Her eyes sparkled. "The co-leader of the New Order is in love with ME?!"

"I thought you had a crush on Lukas."

"Who told you that?" Margie snarled, her voice pitch suddenly dropping seven octaves. The florist jumped back, startled.

"I'm...sorry?"

"Lukas is so dreamy," she went on, "but I know he's out of my reach. He already married Jessie, and it's obvious he loves her and not me. I have to learn to live with that. But Jesse is almost as good as Lukas, so I can settle for him."

"Uh...okay. Yeah, I need to go now." The florist returned to the horse carriage and hopped inside, then left Margie's house in a noticeable hurry. She brought the flowers inside, gloating about her "secret admirer." She wondered if it was okay to start planning the wedding now…?

Oh, that poor, naive young woman.

* * *

 _Day of the anniversary dinner_

Okay, so Jessie sort of managed to pull everything together. She decided that, with the date of the anniversary fast approaching, they had to just make do with what they had. The elaborate dinner had to be scrapped after Lukas's numerous kitchen failures, so she asked Olivia to make a reservation at Harper's favorite restaurant instead. The only part of the spread they could salvage was the cake, because it was a dessert and not a dish, so Lukas could actually bake it without burning it.

She stored the cake in the icebox at the restaurant so it could be pulled out at dessert. Lukas chattered about how much fun it had been to make a double-layered, double-flavored cake like that, and eating it would be even more fun. The dinner was okay, despite the lack of flowers and party banners. No-one had figured out what happened to them, and it was probably better that they didn't know. At least for now.

Ivor and Harper honestly appreciated the anniversary dinner. They were flattered that the kids cared enough to do it.

Except that they knew about the plan to throw the party since day one. The kids weren't exactly stealthy enough. And Olivia had tattled to Harper about the fight that Petra got into. Nevertheless, everyone chatted and laughed all throughout dinner, which was probably much better-prepared than anyone in the New Order could manage.

"What a nice dinner!" Harper declared. "Thank you all for putting this together."

"Yay! We didn't mess anything else up!" Jesse declared, earning panicked looks from everyone else.

"What do you mean, 'didn't mess anything else up?'" Ivor inquired, wondering what kind of backstory was involved here.

"Who wants dessert?" Nell asked, hoping to distract Ivor. "I hear Lukas bakes a mean double-layer cake."

"If Lukas bakes it, it has to be good." Jessie ruffled her husband's hair. "I know you're excited to share it, Lukey."

"Yes, I am!" he replied. "It's in the icebox."

Jessie stood up and pushed her chair in. "I'll get it."

She went into the back and found the icebox, saying hi to the restaurant cooks as she did so. She swung the door open and glanced inside...and saw an empty shelf.

"Huh? But I put the cake in this icebox! Where did it go?"

One last mishap?

* * *

This was the pettiest prank yet, but if it wasn't a delicious one! Strabo snickered as she scurried away from the restaurant, carrying Lukas's cake in a dessert box. Stealing the cake was just the cherry on top of her latest undercover mission - her boss sent her to spy on the New Order and see how things were going. He'd appreciate a cake, too...maybe even pay her a little extra for her trouble?

She ran back to Niat-nuom, hoping the cake hadn't melted from the heat. She was supposed to meet up with the ol' boss at the village of Krebben. But when she got there, she ended up crossing paths with her co-conspirators instead. Ranger and Xabre were busy talking to each other, but Micah approached her.

"Strabo? What's with the cake?" he asked when she opened up the box to check on the dessert's condition.

"Uh, long story," Strabo dismissed. "I was supposed to be meeting with the boss. Why are you guys here instead?"

"There's been a change of plans," Micah explained. "It's not a solo job anymore - he's partnering with someone else. And he wants us to be there for the rendezvous. Come on."

"Who's the partner - Jezra? I thought he hated her," Strabo said, referencing another powerful warlord in Niat-nuom.

"No, not her. This one's not a warlord. But he's still pretty powerful. Says he has...special plans for the New Order."


	34. Prom is On the Radar

**You knew this was going to be a good one when you saw the title.**

 **Let's see how badly Radar might embarrass himself at his senior prom, shall we?**

 _Fifth period at Beacontown High_

At the start of the day, Radar's best friend Liam had told him, "It's the best time of the year." He didn't know what that comment meant at first, until a mid-morning announcement that prom tickets were going on sale next week. Radar's senior class went into a furor - the dinner and dance was all they could talk about for a good three hours later. The girls chatted about what their dresses would look like and tried to guess where the year's venue would be. The boys complained about the annoying process of renting a tux, and they started a rumor that the dinner was going to be hot dogs and hamburgers. And, of course, there was the ancient ritual of students running around and desperately trying to snag a date for the night.

Even Radar wasn't immune. In the back of his mind, he couldn't stop thinking about Sonar. She didn't go to his high school - she was a freshman at a Champion City college. Still, the rules would let her attend as Radar's guest. His hands shook just thinking about it. Gosh! He had to go _up to her_ and _ask her_ to be his _date!_ That was a terrifying idea! She went along with him and his friends on outings every now and then, but Radar was pretty sure that she thought of him as a best friend. She probably didn't know about his crush on her.

"Radar!" the teacher said suddenly.

"Gah!" Radar's mind was going to prom night with Sonar, but his body was still in fifth period Economics.

"So can you tell us what the difference between monopolistic competition and oligopoly is?" She tapped her ruler on her desk. "You wrote the answer on your homework, right?"

Radar frantically paged through his binder to find the assignment. A couple classmates stifled their giggles.

"There is plenty of time to get engrossed in romantic fantasies about prom later," said the teacher. "For now, Radar, please pay attention in class."

"Sorry." Radar slumped in his seat a little.

Just then, the period bell rang. A shuffle of activity filled the room as students rounded up pencils and stuffed their binders into their backpacks. Radar, glad for the distraction, handed his assignment to the teacher and scrambled to pack up. He hurried out the door and started his return journey to his locker. After exchanging his backpack for his lunch bag in his locker, he hurried to the cafeteria. He hoped his friends would have advice for asking someone out on prom.

Radar joined his pal Liam at the same table they always sat at. High school students are creatures of habit. He hadn't been banished there by the "popular kids," because this isn't one of those cliched "nerds versus jocks" books you read in middle school. He just never felt like sitting anywhere else. Liam had the cafeteria lunch: really spicy jambalaya and a carton of milk. Radar, who wasn't as adventurous, opted to bring his favorite seafood salad from home instead. At first they discussed college majors and one classmate's ugly haircut, but then the conversation inevitably turned to prom.

Liam asked the dreaded question. "So, Ray, do you have a date for prom?"

"Yowp!" Radar yelped. "Date for prom! Uh...yeah, I have...well, no...then again, I sort of do...uh...kind of...It's complicated."

"But it was a yes or no question."

"I haven't asked her out yet, that's what." Radar sighed and stirred his spoon around in the salad. "I don't know how to ask a girl out to prom. I went alone for junior year. I just couldn't muster the courage to ask anyone out."

"I know. Didn't you cry about it after prom, too?"

"But this year, it's different. Y'see, earlier, you know, back in January, I was filling in for Jessie when she was sick, and I met this girl. And that's the problem."

"Radar?"

"I mean, it's not that she's the problem. I'm the problem, and I know that's not a healthy mindset to have, and...uh...I forgot what my point was. Okay, so she's really cute, right? And smart and polite and pure...she's all the right stuff…"

"Radar."

"And now I sound like a lovesick buffoon, I know, but you don't understand! I really want to ask Sonar to be my date because I have a _giant crush_ on her and I wish she was my girlfriend but she doesn't know that and-"

"RADAR!"

"Guh! Was I rambling again?"

"Dude, chill out. I get it. Everyone's up in a fuss trying to find a good way to ask out their crush or significant other. Some people have, like, made it a contest to see who can ask them out in the cutest way."

"Really?" Radar got out a notepad and pen from his jacket pocket. "I wanna take some notes. How did they do it?"

"Uh…" Liam said, trying to remember them off the top of his head. "Chrissie got a pair of sneakers for Dominick and put a note that said 'Will you run to prom with me?' inside the shoe box. Damian put a bunch of sticky notes on his boyfriend's locker that spelled out 'PROM?' Roman sorta begged his girlfriend to take him to prom. Oh, and Maryanne asked me out by giving me a box of cupcakes with 'prom' written in icing on them."

"Oh, gravel," Radar grumbled.. "That's setting the bar pretty high. Here I thought I'd just have to go up to her and ask, which is scary enough, but now I've got to think up some cute scheme to do it?"

"Uh, maybe? I don't know."

"Phooey." Radar shoveled some seafood salad into his mouth in the stress of the moment. "I'm gonna have to think about that now."

And he did. Throughout the last three periods of his school day, he couldn't focus on his classes because he was too busy thinking up ways to impress Sonar with a prom proposal. He scribbled down ideas in the margins of his science notes and the backs of his literature readings. He crossed most of them out eventually, deeming them as dumb.

But then, in the middle of the last period of the day, when he should have been reviewing his notes for the history exam that he was to take at the end of the week, inspiration struck! While thinking about how stressful school and prom were and wishing that he could be petting his pet rabbit instead, Radar got a wonderful idea. He'd ask Sonar to be his date with the help of his beloved bunny. After all, girls can't resist cute and fluffy animals, right? He hadn't worked out _all_ the details, but eh, small potatoes.

* * *

 _Later_

"So then they got into an argument about whether to leave the window in the band room open or closed," Radar said, relating a story to Sonar. "The instructor couldn't get them to quiet down, and they kept going back and forth. Eventually it got kind of physical and they started shoving each other around, and wouldn't you know, one kid fell into the xylophone."

"Oh, dear!" Sonar exclaimed. "I hope he was okay."

"Yeah, but the xylophone wasn't," Radar said. "It bent up some of the keys and now the instructor has to take the xylo to a shop so it can get fixed. She's pretty irritated about that."

Radar had invited Sonar over to his apartment for snacks and study buddies. As she helped Radar review his history notes and make an outline of the chapter, they shared celery and carrots with hummus (Sonar had a thing about healthy snacks) and chatted about the latest buzz at school. Radar was itching for an opportunity to pop the question to her.

"Thank you for cutting up the veggies, Radar, but I don't think I can eat any more." Sonar unfolded a napkin. "I feel bad about letting them go to waste, though."

Eureka! Radar had an opportunity. "Don't worry, they won't. I'll give the extra celery to Ellen."

"Ellen?"

"My rabbit. She loves celery."

"I didn't know you had a pet rabbit. How sweet! May I see her?"

"Definitely!" Radar corralled the extra vegetables onto a plate and carried it away from the kitchen table, towards Ellen's hutch in his living room. Sonar followed.

"She's so cute," she said when she saw the black and white Dutch rabbit in the hutch. "May I pet her?"

"Sure!" He lifted Ellen out of the hutch and handed her to Sonar, who held her carefully and correctly. While running her hand over Ellen's soft, smooth fur, Sonar paused.

"What's this?" She held up a small piece of paper tucked under Ellen's collar. "It has my name on it. Is it for me?"

Oh, no! Here was the moment! Radar nodded, hoping his face wasn't going red like he was beginning to suspect that it was. Sonar unfolded the note.

"Some-bunny thinks you're really neat," she read off it. "Please be my prom date. Love, Radar."

"I'm sorry," Radar stammered, hiding his face behind his hands. "I know it's dumb, and I shouldn't have asked-"

"Aww! Radar, that's so sweet." Sonar put Ellen back in the hutch, then walked up to him and hugged him. "Of course I'll be your prom date. I didn't know you liked me like that."

"Well...I do…" he confessed. "I like you a lot."

"I like you, too," she said. "Thank you for inviting me! I have to admit that I don't care much for parties, but I think going with you to one will be fun. When is your school's prom?"

He gave her the date, time, and place.

"Oh, perfect! That's the day after my last finals exam for college. And I will have time to find a dress and figure out how I want to do my hair. Excellent. Only thing is-" Sonar looked at a clock on the wall. "Uh oh! My apologies, Radar, but it looks like I have to head home. I have a meeting with my service club back at the university, and I don't want to be late."

"You have to go? Okay." Radar sighed. "That's fine. Thanks for coming over."

"You're very welcome. I like visiting you." She gave him a quick good-bye hug. "Good luck on your exam."

The apartment door shut as Sonar left. Radar looked at Ellen, Ellen looked at Radar, and then he let out an excited scream.

"I did it! Ellen, I did it!" he gushed, lifting the rabbit out of the hutch and dancing around the room with her. "I asked her out and she said yes. Radar: one, friendzone: zero!"

He paused. "Wait - I shouldn't act like it was a conquest or something. That isn't the right attitude. Friendzone is just a word for guys who can't handle it when a girl says no. I should just be happy that she likes me back."

Radar went into his bedroom and checked his closet for his inventory of ties. Usually he wore a blue tie, because navy blue was his favorite color. But he wanted his tie to match Sonar's dress, and there was no guarantee that she would want a navy blue gown. So he rummaged through his box of ties, trying to figure out what other colors he had.

"Red, green, purple striped, pink...hmmm." He put them back in the box. "What if her dress isn't any of those colors? Maybe I should wear my rainbow tie so it matches no matter what...nah, that would probably clash badly. Or I could wear the one with the donuts on it...no, that's too silly. Huh."

It never occurred to him that he could just wait for Sonar to pick something and then ask her what color gown she had. No. Never entered his little brain. Then he started worrying that he would do something embarrassing to Sonar while trying to impress her at prom.

"This stinks," he said. "I bet Sonar doesn't worry about making a good impression like I do."

* * *

 _Later still_

"Ohh, fish cakes n' noodle sauce," Sonar muttered to herself as she paced around in her college dorm. "I'm going to look like a total dork at Radar's prom."

"No, you're not," her roommate told her, cleaning off makeup. "You're a year older than him. He and his goofy high school friends are going to think you're super mature and stylish."

"I don't think they will look at me like that if I do something embarrassing. Which I am wont to do. Almost always, I embarrass myself at a party in some manner."

"Just do what you did for prom in high school."

"I didn't go to prom in high school. I had too much anxiety about it."

"Then tell him to call off the date." Sonar's roommate flicked the makeup remover pad into the garbage can. "Tell him you can't go because of your anxiety."

"No!" Sonar blurted, then went red in the face. "Oh my gosh, I apologize. I shouldn't have made an outburst like that."

"Sonar, I told you, you're allowed to have emotions-"

"I don't want to sound contrarian, but it would not be right of me to do that to Radar. I just found out he liked me. He asked me out, I promised to go with him, and going back on that would break his heart! I can't do that to him."

"Liked you? You mean, _like like_ you?"

"Yeah." Sonar crossed to the wc sink and washed her hands. "So I suppose we are best friends _and_ crushes now."

"What does that mean? Do you like him back?"

"Of course I do. I always thought he was cute and funny, and ever so nice. I have to admit that it's a bit strange, though. He always seemed to give off an aromantic vibe. I guess I misread him in that sense."

"Well, he must not be aromantic if he had a crush on you. Or at least a romantic crush, anyway."

"That's the logical line of thought." Sonar opened up her closet. "What should I wear? I donated my senior prom dress to goodwill over the summer. I might have to go shopping for another one."

"On a college kid's budget? Not likely." Sonar's roommate grabbed something out of a drawer and flung it at her. "Here, borrow mine."

"Oof!" Sonar took it full to the face. She unfolded it, revealing a navy blue dress with a sequined bodice and a full, loose skirt. It fit, it was a decent color, and best of all, it was modest. Just the way Sonar liked it.

"Huh," said she. "That was easy."

* * *

 _Prom night_

Radar washed and dried his hands in his bathroom sink, then held them out in front of the mirror. His fingers shook. Stupid anxiety. He took a minute to touch up his hair one last time and practice his smile. Then, with fumbling fingers, he knotted his navy-blue tie and tucked it into his tux. He looked actually pretty good, but his mind was too swamped with anxiety to appreciate it.

He hurried out of his apartment, then down into the lobby and out the door. Then he froze. Sonar stood on the sidewalk corner in front of the apartment complex, all dolled up for prom. She had on a dark blue dress and sensible leather flats. She carried a small purse and didn't have any makeup on. Upon hearing Radar's shoes slapping against the pavement, she turned and waved hello to him. Radar felt his body heat spike and his hands shake some more. This was it! He had a _DATE!_ He'd never had that before!

"Guh! Hi, Sonar!" he stammered, bumbling up to her. "Oh, golly gee. I hope you were waiting for me that long."

"Please, don't worry about it, Radar," she said. "I wasn't waiting very long at all. You're worth waiting for."

"Shall we go?" Radar asked. "Prom should be starting any minute now."

"Yes, let's." Sonar started walking, and Radar followed at her side. During the stroll through downtown Beacontown, he kept staring at her hand. It beckoned to him, begged to be held.

"Do I have dirt on my hand?" Sonar asked abruptly.

"What? No."

"Oh. I thought that I might, because you were looking pretty intently at it." Then it dawned on her. "D'oh! I am so oblivious. Here, let's fix this."

She swooped up his hand into hers and held it the rest of the way. Radar hoped his hand wasn't getting sweaty. There were few things he hated more in the world than sweaty hands. Hands can be gross enough (unless they're Sonar's hands, of course), but when you add sweat on top of them? Blecccch!

* * *

One walk through town and an amusing conversation later, they arrived at the park where Radar's senior prom was being held. A crowd of teenagers dressed to the nines wandered over the hills and goofed around in the playground, some of them carrying plates of food or cups of lemonade.

"This looks like it will be a lot of fun!" Sonar said. "Where are your friends? I'd love to meet them."

He looked around. "Not sure, actually. I think they said they were going to be-"

"Radar!" someone yelled - it was his buddy Liam. "Radar, buddy. The panko chicken is killer! You gotta try some before they run out."

"Panko chicken?!" That was one of his favorites. "Sorry, Sonar! I'll introduce you to my buddies later. Right now I have to get some dinner."

He scurried away towards the kitchen with Liam, leaving Sonar on the greens. She sighed and sat down at a picnic table under a beech tree. While waiting for Radar to return with his precious panko, she people-watched the other students, trying to figure out who Radar's friend group might be.

Several minutes passed, then Radar returned with two plates of panko chicken. He smiled sheepishly at Sonar and set one of the plates in front of her.

"Oh, Radar! You got some for me. That's very thoughtful," Sonar said. "This looks pretty good and-hold on. Are those red pepper flakes on top?"

"Yeah!"

Sonar yelped slightly and pushed the plate away. "I'm allergic."

Radar went red in the face. "Oh, no! I'm sorry, Sonar...I didn't know-I should have asked-gosh, I'm really sorry. I'm dumb."

"No, please don't say that," Sonar said. "I'm not very hungry, anyway. Why don't you introduce me to your friends after dinner?"

* * *

"I'm not so sure this is necessary," Sonar said as Radar hid her behind a tree. His friends were waiting uphill, eating their third helpings of panko chicken, gossipping, and fanboying about their favorite board games.

"So here's the plan," Radar said. "I'm gonna tell my friends that I got a prom date, and when they go all 'Nuh-uh, Radar, you're lying,' you can spring out of your hiding place and...uh...do something to make it official you're my date? I don't know."

"May I ask that it's not a kiss?" Sonar requested. "I'm not ready for that."

"Sure, that's fine. I wasn't going to ask for that unless you wanted it. Whatever you feel comfortable doing." Radar trotted up the hill to his friends. Sonar could hear their muffled talking - he jumped into their conversation with a board game joke, asked the guys how their night was going, and then he turned the conversation to prom dates.

"Would you like to meet my date?" he asked.

"Date? When did you get a date?" one of them asked.

"He was telling me about some chick named Sonar he likes," said another.

"Pfft, did he actually get her to come to prom with him? I don't know about that," a third chimed in.

"You guys aren't being very supportive," Radar complained. "Friends are supposed to be encouraging. And not making fun of each other over prom dates."

"Okay, okay, you've got a point. But I won't believe you have a prom date until I see her. Or him. I forgot - do you like girls or guys?"

"I like both, actually," Radar responded, "but for prom, my date is a she."

"Excuse me, Radar," Sonar called from behind the tree, "but I'm confused! Am I supposed to come into the open yet? I think I missed the cue."

"What the…?" Liam asked. "Why is your girlfriend hiding behind a tree?"

Sonar popped out from behind the tree, her skirt swishing. She waved, then realized that she was probably messing something up, so she meekly hid behind the tree again. Radar ran down the hill to do something, but his shoe caught on a stray rock. Down he went, tumbling the rest of the way down the hill. He rolled up to Sonar's feet, covered in dirt and grass stains.

"Well, that didn't work."

* * *

After dinner, the prom party moved indoors for punch and photos. Radar, who hated getting his picture taken, went out of his way to avoid the photographer lurking around the room with a camera at the ready. He kept fretting that he hadn't ducked out of shots in time. Sonar eventually pulled him aside and politely asked him to stop being so paranoid about the camera.

"I promise you that you look cute on film," she said. "You don't have to hide from the photographer. He just wants some pics of the kids in action for the news. Okay?"

"Hmmph." Radar crossed his arms.

"Let's get some punch," she suggested. "That will take your mind off it. I think it's strawberry and kiwi. I love strawberry kiwi."

She took Radar by the hand and walked him over to the punch bowl. In the big glass bowl, some strawberry halves and kiwi slices floated atop a salmon-pink liquid. Sonar grabbed a ladle and a glass.

"I look so bad on camera," Radar whined. "My glasses look stupid, and I've got a bunch of weird freckles on my nose, and-"

The photographer guy struck again! He thought that the couple fetching punch would make an interesting candid, so he lifted his camera to take a picture.

"OMGOSH!" Radar squealed, noticing it. "NO PICTURES!"

He dove under the punch table to get away from the camera.

Sonar tried to grab his feet to keep him from doing that, but didn't quite succeed. "Radar, look out-Oh, dear."

Radar banged into the bottom of the table, which, as you might guess, had disastrous results. Silverware went flying everywhere, forcing the kids around the table to flee the cutlery shrapnel. The platter of desserts flipped up into the air, throwing biscotti and macarons to the four winds. And, of course, the ordeal did not bode well for the punch bowl. He heard a loud splash, a distressed yelp from Sonar, and a big glass bowl hitting the floor.

"RADAR!"

Oh, gravel.

* * *

Radar stood outside the girls' wc, hands folded and a very ashamed look on his face.

"I have to admit I'm upset," Sonar's voice echoed in the wc. "I borrowed this dress from my roommate."

"I'm sorry I spilled punch on you."

"It was why I told you not to hide from the photographer. If I may be so overt, Radar, I thought that was a rather childish thing to do. Did you apologize to him?"

"Yes, I did."

"Were you sincere?"

"Yes, I was. Do you want me to cover the dry cleaning?"

"No, this should clean up in the washing machine," she answered. "But I'll be pretty fruity for the rest of the night."

Radar couldn't hold back a slight laugh. Sonar must have thought it was funny, too, because she started giggling.

"Good thing the punch was strawberry kiwi, or else I'd have to start making puns about how this is going to drive my roommate _bananas!_ Ha!"

Sonar emerged from the wc, still a bit damp from the incident, but mostly toweled off. Her hair was frizzy and her glasses were smudged, but somehow she still looked stinking adorable.

"It could have been worse. At least the bowl didn't break when it hit the floor."

"Phew. That could have been bad."

Just then, a loud voice filled the hall. "Okay, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for your favorite part of the night - the dance!"

The deejay paused for the cheers from the students.

"Remember, I have a request list by my record player, so write it down if you want me to play it. Worry less about how cool you look and more about how much fun you'll have. If you can move your arms and legs, you can dance. Let's see your moves, kids!"

Radar took Sonar by the hand and walked down to the dance floor with her. A crowd of kids was already there. He wasn't sure what to do at first, so he shuffled around in a jazz square, literally the only move he could think of at that moment.

"I'm such a dork," he complained.

"Let's be dorks together, then." Sonar fell into her own jazz square. "Maybe wiggle your arms a little?"

Just then, the music changed from an upbeat ditty to something more slow and emotional. Radar breathed a sigh of relief, then gulped as he realized what the music change meant.

"Let's couple up!" said the deejay. "I can smell young love in the air tonight. Or maybe it's just the panko chicken."

A collective laugh from the kids helped dissolve some of the tension in the air. Sonar and Radar reached for each other, having a vague idea of how to slow dance. They ended up with their hands on each other's shoulders, which seemed okay, but they were probably doing it wrong.

"Now I wish I was paying attention at my cousin's wedding," Radar said. "They were slow dancing there."

"I think we can figure it out. We're smart." Sonar turned her feet a little. They tripped and stepped on each other's toes a couple of times, but eventually, they got into a good rhythm. It was...pretty nice, actually. Soon it was just Radar, Sonar, the lights, and their slow song. Love makes the stars burn at night, something like that.

"You know, I really like this," Sonar said.

"At the same time, it's worse and better than I expected," he replied. "Wow, that was sappy."

"This is really helping me to unwind after finals exams."

"This is helping me calm down from work stress. I had to sort through so much of Jessie's mail this week."

"I see. Did you find anything interesting?"

"Yeah, now that you say that, it reminds me of one note I got. It was weird. No return address or anything - just a message of 'Watch out.' And the initials W.P."

"Oh, that's kind of creepy. Who's WP?"

"I don't know. Probably just a prankster."

* * *

 _City of Sheluth, Niat-nuom_

The woman leaned against a crumbling brick wall. The smoke from smudge pots and dust from the street rose up around her. Her foot bounced against the gritty street. She'd been waiting for at least half an hour. If this rendezvous was so precious important, what was taking him so long to show up? She muttered to herself and pulled her hood down lower, hiding her identity from the pedestrians passing her by. A couple passersby tossed spare change to her, thinking she was a beggar.

At last, five other hooded figures approached. The biggest, tallest person was in the middle; he pulled down his hood to reveal dirty blond hair and cruel amber eyes.

"You're late," she told him.

"That's no way to talk to a warlord," Bar-Nim retorted. "You can wait for a few minutes like all my other relations do."

"Waiting? I spend enough time waiting in that pit. I don't _do_ waiting anymore," she said testily. "Who are your cronies here?"

The smallest figure flipped down her hood as well. "We were supposed to come with him this time. That was part of the agreement."

"What we weren't expecting was Bar-Nim's business partner to be a woman," one of the other figures interrupted. "What gives?"

"Don't even start with that." She pointed at him. "Look, so let's get this plan worked out. I help you, you give me what I want in return. I know what you wanted help with, is that correct?"

"Splitting up the New Order," the warlord responded. "Let's put those fools in their place."

"Quite. And you remember what I want, correctly?"

"Yeah, I know." He moved her hood, revealing her red hair and green eyes. "You want revenge against its leader. Well, don't worry. I can help you get that...Cassie Rose."


	35. The Tooth Hurts

**Axel's tooth is loose and hurting, but he refuses to get it checked out because he's afraid of the dentist. Petra is determined to catch him and make him go. Can Axel escape the clutches of Petra and, worse, the DENTIST? Let's find out!**

There were only two certainties in Boom Town: change and Axel's favorite soap opera being on at the same time every Friday afternoon. Once he was done for the day in carrying out his duties as wrangler in the chaotic griefer town, he'd retire to his secret bunker house. There he could relax on the couch, enjoy a bowl of snacks, and, on Fridays, listen to the latest installment of his evening radio drama.

He had never told his friends about his secret passion for radio serials...but Olivia figured it out on her own and told the rest. That was Olivia's problem - she was such a loose-lips. She told Petra about the funny secret, who told Jesse, who then spread it to Jessie and Lukas. Ivor and Harper eventually found out on their own, too. It hurt Axel's feelings, but he liked his "stories" too much to stop tuning in. And hey, at least now he didn't have to pretend that he was looking for the sports channel when someone interrupted him.

But today, he wasn't lucky enough to get to listen to his serial in peace and quiet. Despite her picking on him about it earlier, Olivia had recently gotten hooked on his favorite soap herself, and now she wanted to have "radio parties" with him whenever an episode was scheduled to air. He'd been friends with Olivia for too long to turn her down, so he begrudgingly accepted the offer and told her where his secret house was.

So that Friday, after the day's adventures were done, Axel snuck away to his bunker and switched his radio on. Then he realized that the trash strewn everywhere, the trash he'd been neglecting for three weeks, the trash that was starting to form mico-ecosystems in his house, the trash that might become sentient and attack if he left it out for a couple days more...probably should get cleaned up before Olivia arrived. He wouldn't hear the end of it otherwise. He swept it up into a heavy-duty bag and dumped it on a garbage heap outside.

As soon as he got back inside, he heard the other door knob turning. Rats! Olivia was here. He barely had enough time to get his snacks! He couldn't possibly enjoy tonight's episode of the soap opera without something to snack on. A big guy's gotta eat. Moving surprisingly quickly for someone with a body as bulky as his, he ran to his pantry, grabbed the first bag of snacky stuff he saw on the shelves, and hurried back to his den right as Olivia invaded it.

"That's my spot!" He did a rather impressive vault over the back of the couch and flopped onto the cushions. The couch protested from the sudden 250-pound weight with a loud squeak. He reclined on his back and balanced the bag of snacky stuff on his belly, then looked over at Olivia.

"Wow...Someone's possessive about his favorite spot in the living room," Olivia commented. "Or is this your man cave?"

An honest question. Axel's low-ceilinged and windowless "living room" could more accurately be described as a basement-based man cave. Among other things, it had a tacky couch, bean bags, the radio plus some equipment to amplify its speakers, goofy retro lamps, his ace pride flag hanging on the back wall, fan kitsch for various Spleef teams he liked, posters of very tasty-looking slices of cake, and even a small pool table. Olivia gingerly took a seat on a purple bean bag close to the radio.

"So...you get good reception down here, right?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, I get it just fine." He held out the bag of snackage to her. "Want some?"

"Maybe. What are they?"

Axel paused. "Huh. I don't actually know. I just grabbed a random bag from my food stash."

"But what are they?"

Axel looked closer at the bag. "Hmm...toothbreaker hard candy. Oh, and it's the cool extra-sour kind, too!"

"I'll pass, if that's okay." Olivia made sure the radio was tuned to the right channel. "Thanks for inviting me over."

"Yeah, no problem. Do you think Greg and Marie will get back together?"

"It depends on whether he will tell her that he's sorry for their cliched yet significant misunderstanding. Also, he didn't tell her about what happened on his business trip. Obviously, the two of them are a demonstration of the deleterious effect that insufficient communication and the dissembling of personal foibles has on the holistic health of a relationship."

She could almost hear the fuses blowing in Axel's brain.

"Long story short, they need to tell each other when they mess something up. That's their whole problem, Axel. And as long as they're bad at doing that, maybe they shouldn't be together."

He gasped. "Olivia! You can't talk about my ship that way! This is my house, and in my house, we don't diss Gremarie."

"Gremarie? There's a ship name for it?"

"Uh, yeah. You're new to the fandom. One of these days I'll have to take you aside and explain all the ships to you. Now shush! I'm trying to listen."

In the radio show, Greg was at a diner with his friends, trying to figure out how he should confess his shortcomings to Marie. Olivia listened to him talk and weighed his words to see if he was genuine or not. Axel gripped a pillow and fended off tears during Greg's dramatic speech about throwing away a perfect opportunity. So enraptured was he that he grabbed a hard candy and bit into it with too much force.

"Ouch!" he shouted.

"I know, right? You can hear the pain in his voice," Olivia said, absorbed in the story.

"No, really, like...ouch!" Axel spit out the candy and felt around in his mouth. "I think I did something to my tooth."

"Did what?"

"It hurts like crazy all of a sudden." He touched the offending tooth and winced. "And it's kind of loose."

"Whoa! When they said the hard candy was 'toothbreaker' candy, I didn't think they meant it literally. Hang on." Olivia reached over and switched Axel's radio to CB.

"Hey! My show!" he protested.

"This is a little more important than that, Axel. A knocked-out tooth is serious business."

"It's not knocked out. It's still in my mouth. But it hurts!"

"Close enough. I'm going to call Petra."

"What's she going to do about it?" To say that he was confused was an understatement. "Is she gonna karate-chop it out of my mouth or something? To finish the job?"

"No...Why would you even think that? She's gonna take you to the dentist."

Axel looked at her as if she'd said a horrible curse word. "The WHAT?!"

"Yeah, Petra knows an excellent dentist near one of her favorite campsites. That dentist will take care of that toothache, no problem. Hopefully the dentist won't have to do a root canal."

"Stop saying 'dentist' - blecch. I ain't going!" Axel scrambled over the back of the couch and hid behind it. "You can't make me go."

"But it'll make you feel better."

"I hate going there! They wrench your mouth open with pliers, stab your tongue with a metal hook, and pull all your teeth out. And then they give you dentures!"

"...What dentist have you been going to, Axel?"

"But first, you sit in the waiting room and they make you read _old magazines!_ "

Olivia ignored him, talking to Petra on the CB line instead. "Hi, Petra? Axel's tooth is loose and hurting. Do you think you could take him to your dentist to check it out?"

Petra's response sounded garbled to Axel, but Olivia heard it just fine.

"Okay, thanks." She hung up. "All right, Axel. Get your jacket. Petra says she'll be here soon."

Axel scowled and ran off to a different room. Olivia breathed out a big sigh and hoped he wasn't going to get his explosives. But then again, explosives were probably the only deterrent that worked against Petra. She grabbed her purse and fled before things got out of hand. She also complained all the way home about how she was missing the soap opera episode.

Petra arrived at Axel's secret house in comically improbable jiffy. Now you might be wondering how she knew where the house was, but if the soap opera thing is any indication, Axel was pretty bad at keeping things secret. I'm pretty sure the only reason his house hadn't been raided yet was that the griefers looked up to him too much for that. Anyway, she didn't bother to knock and strolled into the house like she owned the place. She helped herself to Axel's abandoned bag of candy while searching for him.

"Axel?" she said. "Wherever you're hiding, you might as well come out. I'm gonna find you."

She went into a hallway, opening the door that was left slightly ajar. But that activated a falling bucket trap! The bucket fell down and dumped its contents on Petra, which wasn't water, but rather-

"ROACHES!?" Petra screamed. Her one fear! She thrashed frantically, trying to get them off her. It took her a couple seconds to realize that the cockroaches in the bucket were fake. When she realized it, she calmed down somewhat, but then she got angry.

"That was a rotten trick. You rigged that up, knowing I'm scared of cockroaches," she said, loudly enough for Axel to hear.

"Ha! The old falling bucket trick, with a twist," Axel gloated from his bedroom. Unfortunately, he had just made the tactical mistake of revealing his location. He said "uh oh" as that dawned on him, and he looked around for a new hiding place as he heard her footsteps come storming up the hallway.

"I'm gonna have the dentist give you a root canal for that!" She followed the sound of his voice. "Where are you?"

"I'm not going back to the dentist!" Axel declared from somewhere else in the house. "I did my time."

Petra found him in the wc. He stood on top of the toilet, wearing police riot gear (where did he get _that?_ ) and wielding an umbrella as if it were a sword. It was the most ridiculous thing Petra had ever seen.

"What are you-" She got interrupted when he made a flying leap off the toilet and tackled her. One should not, however, underestimate the strength of Petra. She flipped Axel over and disarmed him by snatching the umbrella before he could do much of anything. Then she put her foot on his chest and pointed the umbrella at his nose.

"Okay, buster. I don't know what your deal is, because you're acting totally loony right now, but you're going to the dentist." She poked him in the nose with the ferrule of the umbrella. "You can't just let the broken tooth sit in your mouth. You'll get an abcess."

"A what?"

"It's a big, gross pocket of slime! You don't want it, Axel."

"Yeah, but I also don't want the dentist. Go away." Axel grabbed the umbrella and tossed it away. It landed in the bathtub and knocked over his shower caddy.

"It's the dentist, not the executioner. What are you so scared of?"

"I'm not scared," Axel protested.

"You're scared it's going to hurt, aren't you? It's not going to-"

"Liar." Axel shoved her off him and made a break for it again. Again, he could go pretty fast when he wanted to. Petra scrambled to her feet and gave chase. She was really bookin' it as she followed him out of the house, through the streets of Boom Town, and straight into the desert beyond. In fact, Axel was so determined to not go to the dentist that he kept running through the desert, until he came upon an oasis. Figuring that Petra hadn't followed him through _that_ , he sat down under a palm tree by the watering hole, kicked off his sandals, and settled down for a little nap.

"Ahh…" he sighed. "No-one's going to drag ol' Axel to the dentist. No siree. He's not going to get any teeth pulled today."

"Ah-HA!" Petra abruptly sprung out of the bushes and jumped Axel. "Did you think it was gonna be that easy to get rid of me? Now I've got you."

This resulted in a rolling wrestling match between the two as one tried to overpower the other. Punches were thrown, faces were slapped, and Petra lost one of her shoes. She was tempted to just pull out Axel's tooth on her own and get this nonsense over with. She almost got her own tooth knocked out when Axel socked her in the jaw.

It had to be the strangest day ever for her. Here she was, fighting her friend in the middle of the desert after he threatened her with an umbrella, and all because he refused to get his broken tooth checked.

"You're being ridiculous, Axel. It's just a tooth."

"The dentist is gonna pull it out...and stab my tongue with a hook!"

"What the...Where did you get that stupid idea?"

"I heard about it on the late show! It was a story about this guy who goes to a dentist, and the dentist traps him in a chair and stuff, and he pulls the guy's teeth out so he can put in metal dentures instead. It was part of his evil plot to make an invincible metal monster to terrorize the city."

"What the heck! Why were you listening to that? All those radio shows are rotting your brain. That isn't what the dentist is like at all."

"I'm not taking that chance."

Petra facepalmed. "So when was the last time you even were to a dentist?"

He shrugged.

"Oh, brother." She grabbed his arm. "Come on, you. I'm taking you to my dentist, and we're getting that broken tooth looked at. It has to be driving you insane by now...Maybe that's why you're acting so weird today."

Axel paused for a second and wiggled his tooth. "Yeah…"

"Well, come on, big guy. Let's go."

"Uh, nope."

"What do you mean, no? You could have gotten this tooth fixed a long time ago if you would have just cooperated!"

Axel ran away again.

"AXEL!" She gave chase, breathing out threats the whole time. "You're going if I have to bind and gag and throw you in a sack to take you there!"

His goal was to get back to Boom Town and hide from Petra again. He wasn't going to try hiding in his not-so-secret house - he wasn't a genuis, but he wasn't stupid either. There were enough precarious nooks and crannies in the city that he could reasonably have hidden from her for a while.

But all that didn't matter, because she outpaced him halfway back and tackled him to the ground again. They got into a wrestling match again in the ensuing struggle, until Axel decided to throw in the towel. He was getting tired, and knowing that he'd missed half of his soap opera by now had deflated his morale.

"Okay, fine." Axel sat up and held out his wrists as if Petra was going to handcuff him. "You win. But I'll only give them my name, rank, and serial number!"

"Give it a rest already!" She pulled him to his feet and started to march him away. "Let's go, big guy."

Petra dragged Axel, literally kicking and screaming, to her dentist. Said dentist was a practitioner in the Silver Forest, a sprawling birch woodlands east of Beacontown. Axel balked at going into the clean little cottage marked "Dental Practice - Walk-Ins Welcome," but Petra gave him a shove from behind, goading him to keep going.

"Are they gonna make me sit in the waiting room and read old magazines?" Axel fretted as they entered the building.

"No. That's the doctor's office."

Axel had some concerns about his physical upcoming in a month.

But within 15 minutes or so, Axel found himself being escorted into the institutional-white bowels of the dentist's office by a much-too-cheery hygienist. She took him into a small room with a desk, some cabinets, and a gurney chair. Axel eyed it suspiciously and checked for restraint straps on the armrests before sitting down. He wasn't going to take any chances.

"So, sir, what is your name?" the hygienist asked.

"I'm Axel Posehn, my rank is Wrangler, and my serial number is A113. That's all the information you're getting out of me, lady, no matter how much you torture me!"

"Okay," she said, surprisingly unfazed. "The dentist will be seeing you in just a moment. Please stay here."

"Or what? Will you trap me in the chair like they do on the late show?"

"Have a nice day, Mr. Posehn." She left.

Just like she said, a moment later, the dentist arrived. She was a friendly-looking woman in a clean white coat. She carried a small tray of supplies.

"Hello, Axel," she said. "My hygienist says that you're not having a very good day."

"I told you people my name, rank, and serial number. That's all you're getting from me."

"I'm not here to hurt you, sir. I just want to see what's wrong. Your friend says that you have a broken tooth that is hurting you quite a bit. I'm going to check it and see how I might fix it so you can start feeling better again. So which tooth hurts?"

Axel begrudgingly showed her the broken tooth, wiggling it to indicate that it was loose.

"Oh, this isn't so bad," she said, investigating it with a tiny light and magnifying glass. "It's a dental fracture, all right, but it's not severe. All I need to do is put in a filling and crown it. Then it should be right as rain."

"Crown it?" Axel got the wrong idea and imagined his tooth wearing a tiny king's crown. "Why are you going to give it a crown and then pull it out? Dentists are so weird."

"Pull it out? What are you talking about? I don't have to do an extraction in this case. I told you, it's not a severe breakage."

He still didn't get how letting his tooth wear a little crown was supposed to help. He didn't get it, in fact, all the way up until the dentist actually filled in his tooth and fitted on the crown cap.

"So it goes over my tooth? _Oh._ That makes sense...I think."

"How does it feel?"

Axel ran his tongue over the broken tooth and didn't feel a lick of pain. "Good. Thanks."

He sat up and left the room, running his tongue over the newly crowned tooth. He was more glad than he'd admit that it didn't have to be pulled. Petra was waiting for him in the lobby, reading _Swords Illustrated._ She set the magazine down when he sat next to her.

"See, it's not so bad. You survived the dentist's office," she told him.

Axel puffed out his chest in pride. "Yeah, I did!"

"Well, that's good, cause that's not even what the scary part is."

"Wait, what? If that's not it, what is?"

"The _dental bills._ "


	36. Poolside Shenanigans

**Nell hopes that hosting a pool party for the New Order will help her integrate into their group more smoothly. We know that the New Order will accept her no matter what, of course, because they're good people. But this is also Silly Mode, so this summertime bash isn't going to be without incident. Humorous incident, that is.**

 _Timeline: Phooey on the timeline, I'm not even keeping track of that anymore. We'll say it's the June following "The Tooth Hurts."_

One thing that Jesse had to remember about Nell is that she liked trying new things and encouraging him to try new things, too. So that was how he ended up at a roller rink on the south side of Beacontown, as part of Nell's kooky idea of a date. He wheeled across the floor on a pair of ungainly roller skates, hoping he wouldn't slip and fall on his bottom for the umpteenth time. Okay, so he had about as much grace as an elephant would on roller skates, but at least he was having fun. Nell was a good sport about his lack of practice.

"Dude, you got this!" she encouraged him, gliding past on her neon pink skates. "Everybody's gotta start somewhere."

"Mmm...I hope it's not on my bottom on the floor. Again." Jesse struggled to get a nice, balanced stance. "But thanks for taking me to the rink. This is pretty cool."

"I used to ice skate, but they have to use _so_ much electricity to keep the rink cold so the ice stays frozen," Nell told him as she coasted up to him. "It's, like, a big waste of nonrenewable resources. That's not cool. Besides, one time I went skating on the rink and there was this weirdo wearing a T-rex costume there. It wasn't even, like, a party or anything. He was just out there skating in his T-rex costume. Pretty far out."

"Okay...That's majorly weird."

"That's what I said, bruh."

"So anyway...you and the others have anything planned for the summer?" She did a little jump-and-spin trick. "Like a trip or a party?"

"Nah. Not really." Jesse's skates almost slipped again. "I mean, we've got missions and stuff, but that doesn't really count. Mostly it's been us doing stuff separately."

"What kind of stuff?" Nell popped a wheelie as she breezed past him again. She moved off to the side to talk to him, so they wouldn't be in the middle of the floor, and Jesse floundered over to where she stood.

"I heard Axel went to Beacontown Pride earlier this week. Not sure why…"

"It's cause he's ace, dude! June is his month." Nell laughed. "I saw him there when I went as an ally. Spotted him with the other aces. He was helping them hold up their flag during the march."

"Wow. All this time and I never knew that Axel was asexual," Jesse commented, cautiously gliding along on his skates. "Just when you think you know everything about an old friend."

"Yeah. So after the march I got him a bottle of water and asked him how stuff was going. He said it was okay, but he was getting kinda bored. Like, every now and then he goes on missions to find treasure in, like, old temples and stuff, but he hasn't done anything with the rest of the New Order in a really long time."

"The group's not as tight as it used to be. Wish we could do more stuff as a group. It's too bad the group started separating as soon as you joined. You're kinda like an unofficial member now that you're my girlfriend. That's okay, right?"

"'Course it's okay, dude! You guys are rad. But do the others, you know…"

"Do they what?"

"Do _they_ think I belong?"

"Good question." Jesse re-tied the laces on his skates. "My fans say you don't, but that's because they're all crabby that I broke up with Petra to date you. They thought Jetra was canon and endgame. Like, some people made a 'Jetra Army' and everything to protect it, and they yelled at my fans who were okay with me dating someone else. I think building your whole identity around a relationship is pretty unhealthy."

"It is," Nell agreed. "And it's not like you and her had a fight, either! You're still friends. Anyway, do you think the New Order would like me better if I hosted a party for them?"

"A party?" Jesse asked. "What kind of party?"

"I've heard reports that it's gonna be a really hot summer, especially now in June. Probably not the best weather for action adventures, so what if we, like, had a pool party instead?"

"Oo. I like that. I love pool parties, and so do my friends. That's an awesome idea, Nell. Good thinking."

She grinned, glad that he liked her idea. "I just got a pool installed behind my shop. It has a diving board and everything! It'll be wicked cool. Also, I've got swimsuits at my shop if any of your friends don't have one."

"Cool. I'm gonna try to rally the troops for a date when we can all get together. I hope it doesn't rain that day…"

"Bring your umbrellas, I guess. I have one that looks like a head of romaine lettuce when it's folded up…"

Jesse decided not to ask where she found such an umbrella. "Do you think you could show me how to skate? I'm not doing so hot."

"Okay, sure. Now, hold on to me and I'll sorta lead you around, 'cha?"

Nell hooked her arm around Jesse's to give him balance, then guided him around the floor. At first he was pretty shaky, but the more they did it, the easier it became for him. Pretty soon he didn't even need to hold on to Nell's arm anymore, and he glided around the floor with ease and grace, giggling the whole while. One time he got too far ahead of himself and smacked into a wall, but that was the only slip-up.

"Here's to trying new things," he commented to himself. "I'm glad Nell talked me into this. It's fun!"

After a while they got tired, though, and it was getting late anyway. Jesse still had to talk to all his friends about the pool party. So he and Nell pulled off their skates and left, heading back to the Order Hall. Jesse assumed that it would be a mundane walk back to the Hall, but no. Trouble came their way as soon as they stepped out of the rink.

He thanked Nell for the date and gave her a little kiss on the cheek, at the exact same moment when a girl crossed their path. Jesse recognized the curly hair and purple lipstick, but not before she knew who he was.

"Jesse B. Oswalt!" Margie screeched. "How dare you!"

"Huh?" Jesse wasn't sure whether to be more confused by how Margie knew his middle initial or by how she was accusing him of something. "What? What are you talking about, Margie?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Oswalt. You're flaunting it around right in front of me, you shameless brat! Do you think I'm blind or something?"

"What in the world are you talking about?" He looked back at the roller rink. "Are you mad that I took a day off to go roller skating? Margie, I can't work every single day."

Margie shouted, "No!" Her hysterics made sure that everyone on the sidewalk could witness the confrontation.

"Then what?"

"You're cheating on me, you heartless brute," she snarled. "With her!" She jabbed an accusing finger at Nell, who jumped back in surprise.

"What...How can I be cheating on you? You're not my girlfriend," Jesse said, still dumbfounded. "Nell is."

"Liar! You sent me flowers, and now you're going to TEAR MY HEART IN HALF by walking out of the roller rink and smashing lips with another girl. How could you do that to me? After all the torment I've been through!"

"I have literally no idea what you're talking about. I never sent you any flowers."

"You're such a liar, Jesse. Liar, liar, plants for hire."

"It's 'pants on fire,' Margie," Nell corrected.

"You stay out of this!" she snapped, before turning on Jesse. "You did send me flowers, Jesse B. Oswalt, and don't you dare try to claim otherwise. Your name was right on the order form when the florist stopped by my house. I have it right here!"

She thrust a piece of paper in Jesse's face. Jesse took it and studied it. It was an order form for flowers. Sure enough, his name was right on it, in his handwriting: "Jesse B. Oswalt." Oh, so that's how she knew his middle initial.

"Hey, I remember this," he said, looking it over. "This is from that time when I ordered flowers for Ivor and Harper's anniversary."

"No, you didn't. You ordered them for me. Otherwise they wouldn't have shown up at _my_ house."

"How did they...Oh! Now I remember! The flowers didn't show up at the party, so I figured I must have sent them to the wrong address." He snapped his fingers. "So that's where they went. I'm sorry, Margie. I didn't mean to send you flowers by mistake. Golly, that could've been bad if you were allergic to them."

Nell started to giggle at the funny mixup. Margie reacted slightly differently.

There was practically steam shooting out of the girl's ears. "WHAT!? You mean to tell me that you TRICKED me into thinking that YOU meant those flowers were for ME? Jesse, you heartless dirt clod. How could you do that to someone?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake. It was a mistake, Margie. I never meant to lead you on. I'm bad with numbers and addresses. Heck, I almost got lost trying to find the roller rink today. Nell had to bail me out and give me directions."

"Aaaaugh!" Margie shrieked, throwing her hands up in the air. "Heartbroken AGAIN! You'll pay for this, Jesse B. Oswalt. Mark my words!"

"Uh…" he stammered.

Margie's voice suddenly dropped three octaves as she growled, "I will have my revenge."

She then stormed off in a fit of self-righteous, self-pitying rage, leaving everyone on the sidewalk quite shaken, especially Jesse and Nell. There was stunned silence for about half a minute before Jesse found the will to speak again.

"Well. That happened," he said.

"Are you guys OK?" a couple bystanders asked them. "That was crazy."

"We're groovy," Nell responded. "Hey Jesse, I didn't know your middle initial was B. What's it stand for? If you're, like, okay with telling me and that."

Jesse sighed. "Promise you're not gonna laugh?"

"Cross my heart, bruh."

"The B is for Buckminster."

* * *

"...So then she called me a dirt clod and warned me that she will have her revenge." Jesse finished his recounting of the story and sat down at the Round Table. "Not really sure what to think of it."

Jessie, Lukas, Radar, Ivor, and Harper had made it to the meeting. Nell was also there, unofficially. Everyone else had their own business tonight. A typical situation as of late. It was getting harder and harder to keep Olivia, Axel, and Petra coming to gatherings. It wasn't like they tried to skip them, but their schedules rarely lined up.

"She sounds like a jealous goonie and nothing more," Harper told Jesse. "I wouldn't think too much of it. A lot of people who don't like the New Order are all bark and no bite."

"Like the note I got the other day?" Radar chimed in.

The others glanced at him quizzically. "What note?"

"I got a letter in the mail a couple days before prom," he went on. "It didn't have a return address, and the letter itself only said 'Watch out.' It was signed W.P. Do you think it's another jealous person?"

"Oh! Uh...Don't worry about that, Radar," Jessie said with an insincere smile, then quickly changed the subject. "Jesse, you said you had an announcement?"

"I sure do!" He sat up straight. "Nell is hosting a pool party for the New Order, and everyone is invited! We'll have it as soon as we have a day where all the members are available."

"Ooh, a pool party," Jessie mused. "How fun! I haven't been to one of those in a long time. I hope my swimming suit still fits."

"Bah! I hate pool parties," Ivor grouched. "I went to one back in '69. It was terrible."

Jesse ignored him. "It's at the pool behind Nell's beach shop. Remember to bring sunscreen. I hear it's going to be a very sunny summer."

"This is gonna be great," Jessie said. "I can't wait to see how big of a cannonball dive Axel can make."

"There...there aren't any big waves in a pool, right?" Radar piped up. "Like waves so big they could knock you down?"

"No," Jesse said. "It's just a regular pool."

"Good." Radar sighed in relief, remembering his beach incident from a while prior.

"

…

* * *

Jesse slipped on a T-shirt and some trousers over his swimming trunks, which were bright blue and had a green abstract design printed on them. They still smelled like chlorine from the last time he was in a pool.

"Huh," he said after pulling on his t-shirt. "Does that mean I forgot to wash them since then...eww. Oh well, I don't really have time to do it now. I'm supposed to be at Nell's in five minutes. Wait - FIVE MINUTES?!"

He hurried to the wc and slathered on sunblock as quickly as he could. It was a small miracle that he didn't get any in his eyes in his haste. Then he slung his beach towel over his shoulder, stepped into his sandals, and dashed out the door. It was really bright out that day, thanks to a warm sun and a cloudless sky, and he regretted not bringing his sunglasses. Maybe Nell would let him borrow a pair from her shop.

After a mad dash through downtown, tripping on his sandals a few times too many in the process, he arrived at the cabin on stilts with the "We're open, bruh!" sign hanging in the window. Already he could hear splashes and laughter in the backyard. His found family had gotten there before him. Oh, well, being the first one to arrive at the party was awkward, anyway.

He went around back and found the pool - a decently-sized area with a shallow end and a deep end. Harper floated around leisurely, lying on her back in an inner tube. Jessie dropped a few plastic rings into the water, let them sink to the bottom, and practiced her dives to retrieve them. Ivor sat on the edge of the pool, wearing a vintage bathing suit and looking sour.

"Hi, guys!" Jesse greeted them. "Great day for a pool party, huh?"

"Hmph!" Ivor grumped.

"I made him come," Harper explained, lifting up her sunglasses to wink at Jesse. Unlike her husband, she wore an up-to-date suit - a one-piece in a pleasant shade of pink, to be exact.

"I think it's cool," Jessie chimed in when she came up for air. "I kind of wondered what a bathing suit from the 1960s looked like."

"See? _Jessie_ thinks it's cool!" Ivor said. "Harper just doesn't appreciate it."

"Hey, if you're here, where's Lukas?" Jesse asked his sister. "Nell invited him."

"He had to stay behind to watch Zeke," Jessie explained. "It's okay. We went the beach two weeks ago, so he got his swimming fix for now."

"Oh. Okay. What about the other guys - Axel, Petra, Olivia? Are they coming or did they turn us down?"

"They're coming. At least I know Petra is, and so's Axel. Olivia might not; she might be busy today. Where's your swimming suit?"

"Under my clothes." Jesse stripped off his T-shirt, as he wouldn't need it in the pool, and flexed. "How do I look?"

"Like yourself, minus a shirt. Why?"

He whined. "Jessie!"

"What?"

"I've been working out. Going to Judo class with Nell. Doesn't it show?"

Jessie had a feeling there wasn't an easy answer to that question. Luckily, Nell saved her by promptly emerging from the back of her shop with a tray of snacks. Jesse got distracted by his girlfriend and went over to talk to her. Jessie sighed in relief and practiced her backstroke.

* * *

Margie crept through the bushes around Nell's shop. She got poked and scratched by the plants a lot, but she kept pressing on. After all, revenge fueled her. Her eyes squinted and her hands clenched into fists when she heard joyful chatter and laughter in the backyard.

"You won't be laughing soon, Jesse B. Oswalt!" she whispered, then paused to re-apply some of her purple lipstick. "You'll rue the day you cheated on me."

The backyard didn't have a fence on one side, just a row of thick bushes. That was Margie's best bet for getting into the backyard to enact her revenge. Now what exactly she was going to do to get revenge, well, she hadn't through of that yet, but it would be terrible. The Nether hath no fury like a Margie scorned.

But ah! What luck! She spotted that no-good dirt clod talking to Nell. Talking to her, no doubt bragging about how he'd embarrassed Margie in front of everyone at the roller rink. That scoundrel! He'd pay for his impudence. She scooted around the brush to get closer to Jesse. Closer...closer...now was her chance! She sprung from her hiding-place and-

WHAM!

The gate to the backyard whipped open and she took it full to the face. Stunned by the blow, she fell to the ground.

"The party don't start until the Axe-man walks in!" Axel paraded into the backyard, wearing swimming trunks that were the most obnoxious shade of green imaginable. Big, dark sunglasses sat on his nose, and his beach towel hung off his shoulders like a cape. He looked like some doofy king of the pool.

"Ohhh…" Margie groaned, then shuffled back into the brush before anyone saw her.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jessie came up for air again, her arms adorned with the diving rings she'd retrieved. "Axel's here. Come on in, buddy. The water's fine."

Axel made a beeline for the diving board on the other side of the pool. He climbed on top of it, struck a pose, and then cannonball dived right in. He landed with the expected giant splash, throwing water everywhere. Jessie saw it coming and ducked; Ivor and Harper weren't so lucky.

"Yowp!" Harper lost her balance and fell off the inner tube.

"Oh, no! Harper!" Ivor dove into the pool to rescue her. "Don't worry, honey. I'll save you!"

He paddled heroically over to Harper, grabbed her by the arm, and hauled her to the side of the pool. Harper hung on to the side and spit some water out of her mouth. She didn't really need Ivor to make a dramatic rescue, but she appreciated it nonetheless. His heart was in the right place.

"Ya-hoo!" Axel came up for air. "How would you rate that dive?"

"Mmm...Eight out of ten," Jessie replied.

"What? Just eight? I think that was a 10 right there."

"Eh, you faltered on the landing."

Meanwhile, Jesse continued to chat with Nell and share snacks with her, blissfully unaware of Margie's presence at the pool.

"Ready to go swimming?" Nell asked. She wore a green one-piece with a tribal print.

"If you are."

"Awesome sauce! Last one in's a rotten potato."

"Oh, you're on!" Jesse bolted towards the pool and flopped in, producing a small splash. He came up for air a second later, sneezing and complaining about getting pool water up his nose.

Margie figured that it was now or never, so she careened back out of the bush to confront Jesse and get revenge on Nell.

"Hey, you!" she screamed at Nell.

"Huh? Dude, what are you doing here?" The blond girl went wide-eyed at the sudden appearance of Margie. "Wait a minute. Aren't you-"

"Take _this_ , you blond bohemian!" With a wild war cry, Margie shoved Nell into the pool.

"Whoa-ah! Not cool!" Nell tumbled backwards. She fell into the pool, arms flailing.

"Uh-oh-Nell!" Jesse paddled to her quickly, held out his arms, and caught her bridal-style before she fell in. "It's okay. I gotcha."

"Thanks, Jesse dude." Nell relaxed. "Good catch."

He smiled coyly. "Hey, I guess you could say you... _fell for me_."

He smooched her on the cheek, then realized they were starting to sink to the bottom, so he let her go. She treaded water next to him. They both looked up at Margie, whose face was bright red and twisted into a nasty scowl.

"Grrrr!" Margie stomped her foot on the ground. "No!"

"What are you even doing here? I thought I told you to leave me and my girlfriend alone," Jesse said.

"No, no, no, no, no! That wasn't supposed to turn into a Jesell moment," Margie ranted. "Nell was supposed to fall into the pool and almost drown, and it would scare her half to death! It's what she deserves. You weren't supposed to catch her and make a romantic moment! You're supposed to be MINE!"

Jesse facepalmed. "I'm not your boyfriend, Margie. I never have been and I never will be."

"Oh, yeah? Well, then why-"

"The flowers weren't for you. I thought we went over this the other day." Testily he explained it, with accompanying hand motions. "The flowers were for Ivor and Harper's anniversary. I sent them to the wrong address, which to my incredible bad luck, was yours."

"That's just an excuse."

"No, it's not, Margie, and if you harass me or Nell again, I'm gonna have to get the police involved. Do you want my sister tracking you down and arresting you?"

Jessie poked her head out of the water, a retrieval ring hanging off her nose. "I'm doing what now?"

"Hmmph!" Margie crossed her arms. "You just won't admit that we were meant to be together."

Jesse dry heaved. "I'm good, thanks. But I'm sure there's someone out there who will be a great boyfriend for you. Why don't you go look for him? Shoo, please."

"You'll rue the day you rejected me, Jesse B. Oswalt." Margie marched to the gate to leave. "RUE IT!"

She exited and flung the gate shut with a great air of finality. None of the pool party guests quite knew how to react.

"Well," Axel said, breaking the silence. "That happened."

Jessie nodded grimly, thinking about how Margie had the dubious honor of having her name on the New Order's Crazy Fan Watchlist for longer than anyone else. Actually, she'd been the reason Jessie had to make a watchlist for crazy fans in the first place. While she pondered this, the gate swung open again, and everyone tensed up as they expected Margie to be back for more chaos.

But instead, their favorite redhead stood in the threshold, wearing a trendy gold swimsuit and a pair of cool shades. She carried her beach towel in one hand and a cooler of lemonade in the other.

"Hi, guys!" Petra said with a smile. "Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?"


End file.
